a life of wonder and discovery

well well, hello valentines

2012-02-14T23:03:00.001-06:00

The future is open, wide open, and who knows where it'll lead. I thought more about valentines day and love this year than in any other. Others when you are loved and held by someone you expect will be beside you for years. There is so much love to show - valentines to be made for children and friends, garlands of hearts and baking cookies to warm the house (and round the belly!). Thank goodness there are multiple feet through this house to keep the tin emptying.

We acquired a roommate, a university student who pads around the house in african kaftans. though we pass mostly during busy days, we stop to discuss cultural beliefs and dating, polygamy, ghosts and which farm most Caribbean and African winnipeg families buy their whole, bone in meat from. Yes our new household is unconventional but so far it is coming along. I can't wait to finish unpacking the final boxes. can't wait to get the final pieces of furniture to fill out this huge space. I can't wait for spring, these tantalizing glimpses of late afternoon sunlight filtering through the kitchen window reminds me of what summer nights will feel like, bbqing off the back steps growing herbs along patches of lit earth. We may have another roommate by then and the rotating cast of characters will hopefully only add to the interesting family quilt we are building. The other day I was reminded of couchsurfing and of finally having the space available to host travellers again. Maybe our friends close by will realize they are always welcome to knock on the door, come share a glass of wine or sparkling water and be always in our lives.

It is mid february and before I know it the trains will start chugging along again for me. two months before live shifts again. for now the shift is working easy work, pop soda's coffeehouse and never knowing what atmosphere I'll step into - folk afternoon music. confrontational slam poetry. wild queer dance party. family art day. The clientele is everyone, the atmosphere always welcoming. It's rare to want to hang out in your workplace when not required to be there. So far the work isn't ruining the enjoyment of it.

Some days are still roaring and busy, but others are freeing. This adjustment into "parttime" parenting is strange. though we live together still so we can all see each other as often as possible, it's not comfortable to spend all spare moments together. So I've decided to spend some days away from the home, filling hours with yoga and special friends, connecting with family alone without needing to rush around after my busy bean.

And he is doing well - nursery school is always exciting and such a small class size means he gets lots of close attention there too. He spends days following after his nanny, walking to safeway to explore and buy treats. We make crafts and he helps with cooking and cleaning. He is charming and squeals of "mama! MAMA!" with long arms flung around me, eyes flashing love, joy in the moment. He is growing bigger every day and he is absorbing the world, our interactions, making decisions about how things work or how things should work. So smart.

Check off another day

2012-01-21T20:24:00.001-06:00

I guess i could be writing every day, tracking my up and down days. No, my up and down life! But without the time to process everything, I'm back to existing mainly in my head. Those perfectionist tendencies stopping the flow, waiting until I have an answer, a clear path, before speaking. I realize that I haven't been open in conversation for a long time. Only stepping in once I'm sure of what I have to say, refusing to be wrong and not trying anything unless I'm already good. What terrible traits to carry and (hopefully not) pass on. Perfect holds you to high standard but doesn't allow for effort if you don't reach the sky. And I've grown up holding that standard, vacillating only between high accomplishment and complete failure.

There is no path here, existing in a dead house. The holding pattern keeps us here until moving day. Kept in an unnatural situation that carries a lot of stress! We are doing all we can to move through the days, step around each other and give space, make agreements about household life, avoid falling into old relationship patterns and anger. It's hard! Hard, definitely. It was expected to be and I have to continually remind myself of this. This is the hardest part. The days run the gamut of emotions that never include comfort or ease.

BUT! the medications are working well at holding my mood. Certain things are actually coming together and when everything lines up well, my faith is buoyed up. And then when it lines up too perfectly, it helps to believe that all our decisions led to this moment. That even before we were decided events were aligning for this.

And I count myself lucky for having special friends, those who continue to reach out and support me. Who don't mind listening to the angst rolling around in my head, no ground to spill it into. Who suggest outings, distractions and escapes. Who show up alcohol in hand. Who reach out to touch and hold me, considering the significant loss of touch I have in my life. We had been best friends, before. And things are just so constantly uncomfortable now, it's hard to have lost that.

year 2000 rewind

2011-12-30T15:55:00.001-06:00

lately I find myself thrown back in time. Everywhere I turn there are folks to reconnect with that I lost touch with a decade ago. It seems even more poignant at this time because these were people who circulated as I was forming myself and immediately before beginning my eleven years with Chris. As we come to a close, it feels bizarre to be randomly tossed back into a scene that I excused myself from years ago.

In retro/intro-spection, I've discovered my pattern for forming intense, short lived connections. Upon disillusionment, drifting apart or various reasonings, I haven't held on to many people in my life. Felt comfortable ending times with friends once we no longer connected on the level I'd hoped. It's only been recently that I've rediscovered lost friendships from the past (kristy!) and was able to withdraw from the fog of disillusionment to respect and appreciate the things about people that initially drew me to them. Finding the same respect in friendship that I held for intimates.

I hold solidly to reasons for breaking contact, especially because it's as hard to redefine a friendship it is in a relationship. You both have to be invested and willing to have tough conversations - we expect those things from our partners, but not generally from our friends. Fair weather friends. So it's easier to let go of what you had, and mourn that loss, then to talk and each contribute to how and in what way you can continue being friends.

Oh, I've found myself thinking lots about friendships, relationships, how people come in and out of your lives and what they were there to contribute. It's always been a fascination, the watching of how people interact and move together, but now from inner turmoil a new perspective. A universal respect and efforts at love, at openness, at welcoming people for their selves outside of expectations. Of nurturing those which are important to me. And of appreciating the contributions we have, brief or continual, from the people in our lives who love us. Love.

Am I on the return path, choosing again from the same surroundings? Brought back to a moment in my life where certain people circled me, where a job offer in Rogue's Gallery turned down leads to an equally handed job from the same owner, new establishment. Every turn leads me to another familiar face I haven't seen or thought of in years. I know this is Winnipeg but it's non stop and intense. Not bad necessarily, though I am wondering what I am supposed to learn and contemplate from this. Clearly things are culminating at certain points in my life for a reason. if I am to learn and make better decisions in my future i'll need to understand what choices I made, or didn't make.

Introspection, baby. It's a gas.

Single in 2012

2011-12-28T14:30:00.000-06:00

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.

Winnipeg ~ too small/small enough ?

2011-12-11T13:17:00.001-06:00

Oh my Winnipeg, I do love you. Mind you I can escape your heavily roped restraints anytime I need. And I do need that flight from home turf.

I chose to stay on the edges, never immersing myself too heavily in a scene where I would then become known. Where the same faces floated about you, old interactions and remembered histories clashing with desire for open clean slates. Chose is not a complete story though. Continuous uprooting meant I didn't settled down for long in a space, leaving town and friendships, schools, groups. Rotating into orbits for a time. A time of discovery, of exploring who I was through new friends and the people around me.

And I missed, of course, walking into a room knowing tons of people.

But I didn't. And was enjoying relative anonymity.

Met fleeing this strangling city this fall an experimental filmmaker, complete in bitter loathing for a city that didn't provide him opportunities or recognize him while York University offered full scholarship for his film master, plus chance to teach and work with idols. I argued Winnipeg provided a good place for lots of artists, those who preferred toiling in obscurity and that we foster a great arts/music scene. Clearly, not for all. For some the scene is incestually small, adult interactions high school reminiscent.

And my place became clearer still - though I enjoy knowing people I really enjoy being on the fringes... and not knowing everyone. Because as soon as that happens every action becomes noticed. logged to be judged, somehow, later on.

Going to a show this Friday brought it out. I get to the Pyramid often enough and usually it's packed, though that also tends to be the shows I choose. This was a local show, 60s spy themed. Not too busy, though the music was great and introduced me to superb local group This Hisses.

Wow! strands of Portishead and Radiohead, rock surf noir. J'adore. Will be out to see them again. And I knew I remembered one of the members from another lifetime at the Red Herring when we were briefly friends. those who spent late nineties nights hanging out there will know. And I knew the singer of the Rockdoras too. Saw some regular scene faces and even the unrecognizable shared quick histories and one degree separation. Shared partners from the past? Too convenient.

What made this too much, almost too much closeness in Winnipeg, is that I haven't been around this scene in nearly twelve years. And still had way too many connections and recognizables around me.

Next time I search a facebook event instead of checking how many people I know going and sending invites, I'll look for the most anonymous of events. Within the same small list of interesting goings-on... wish me luck!

Occupy the world

2011-11-17T18:57:00.001-06:00

My travels east are coming to a close. Though I took eight days for myself, eight days to take the train and whirl through toronto, to explore quebec by car and by foot, days for reflection and walking and trespassing (whoops!), there never seems to be enough time. I could have spent my very full days differently and still been just as busy.

One thread that pulled my trip into cohesion were my stops at occupy movements across the east. I wanted to see how each group had settled and what ideas were being brought forward. I wanted to be part of a global movement that was drawing citizens of all ages and backgrounds. Saturday in Toronto was huge - visitors swelled with an estimated thousands as the park teemed with plans and ideas and music. It was a beautiful day, one of the limited ones left us, and the theme that day was logistical. Should camp relocate? How could they sustain a spread holding two locations? Strategic planning of camp and safety was paramount. Everyone was constantly at the ready for eventual police action. At the time, Occupy London Ontario had been cleared and clashes were happening through the US. By the time I'd moved onto Quebec city the overnight evictions at Wall Street had taken place and we all partially expected action anytime.

In Canada, government and media have not reproached Occupy regarding their rights of assembly, right to peacefully gather, rights of protest. Instead the attacks, the global conversation, is steered away from what the protestors represent into talks of camp safety, cleanliness, making sure every bylaw is followed exactly and searching for ways and reasons to dismantle. I left occupons quebec yesterday feeling buoyed by their organization and winter preparations despite being denied fire (fairly common - occupons montreal is also perservering without fire). This morning they were served notice to dismantle the common kitchen or the city will enter friday am to remove it. OQ had already rebuilt the structure with metal panels after the city ruled plastic walls were unsafe. Now they were ascerting it was a permanent structure, and such couldn't remain on site. Here is the live camera faced on Occupons Quebec 24/7. (Structure was dismantled early Friday morning. Nov19)

Seeing all the different ideas and areas set up in each occupy were inspiring. A lending library yurt was well stocked in Toronto. The common kitchen kept busy feeding all those who came. General assemblies, daily educational talks, revolutionist music, a crafting area to make signage, a free store, a devotional area.

With the crackdowns faced as cities become irritated with ongoing public occupation, the aesthetics not pleasing, the conversation uncomfortable to many, the direction of this movement remains unclear. What is clear is the conversation has begun. The revolution begins here, with openness and acceptance of other points of view. The multifaceted support and curiosity regarding ideas is clear on the ground, less so in mainstream media which prefers capitalizing on sensationalistic images.

Solidarity! We support you in change.

heavy heavier

2011-10-04T19:24:00.001-05:00

That fall slowing has begun. Feeling stagnant and stale, slowed and heavy. I fought acceptance of depression again for weeks. Still stable enough to hold happy facades, i told myself at least i'm not weeping in the corner. At least I'm still functional. Still able to hold together for family and work, while every task grows mountainous before me.

I don't think knowing that I couldn't handle the mountains in front of me turned me towards acceptance. Though retreating and letting it all slide, all that i could attribute to something else. No, acceptance came with small realizations. Had I really been happy at all the last couple months? Had I pulled enjoyment out of the myriad great experiences and moments I'd had?

That's depression's worst steal - without realizing, you are merely existing. The moments might be the same and you may hold together enough to fool most acquaintances (or simply attribute your dip in mood to stress, life circumstances, illness). But enjoyment, that elusive enjoyment... In moments I feel as though I am enjoying myself, but really the investment isn't there. Whether joy is there or not doesn't seem momentous and of any real importance. The same moment could happen and regardless of outcome I'd watch, mimic, observe.

Ahh, what a bane. Slowly medicating to hopefully regain some balance.

And creatively I'm at impasse. Excess of want and no focus, unable to decide/commit/dedicate myself to anything. What to fill my long Winnipeg winter with? Do I take a writing class to focus my energies, play with photographs without clear ideas or continue learning video on my amazing camera... All things that interest me but require some dedication, which I am incapable of.

Layoff looms imminently, a short summer of hardly working and now the season closing too soon. I can't imagine within a few trips my travels will close for the winter and I'll settle into another season of serving and mothering. Where do i fit within this haphazard life that i've built?

I don't have the energy to rail with frustrations. Moving, moving slowly forwards. Asking the universe to fill my head with ideas and energy.

rabb it up

2011-09-18T21:36:00.001-05:00

Ian Rabb. I have been seriously hating this name and person since the last civic election. Didn't know much about the candidate, nor cared to when he pulled the sleazy politician's move of plastering his face fifteen feet high over the sides of buildings his family manages for WinPark Dorchester. Such opportunism profiteering from wide open, likely free, space. Ad space that would usually cost you significant dollars, placed huge at oft traveled corners like Main St and River Ave. You couldn't help but repeatedly see his smiling conservative grin.

Living in an apartment, you can be discouraged from even placing an election sign in your window. I said can, most people are allowed and some do place signs, but depending on your location in the building it often won't even be seen. Who has the right to advertise for one candidate on the sides of multiple people's homes because they own/manage the building? You couldn't even place a sign on a lawn for most apartments and his status allows him to use these buildings as his personal billboards? Living there would feel like having your opinion trampled, facing those obnoxious large signs.

And then! When he didn't win against Jenni Gerbasi, the signs came back long before any election was being talked about. Obviously attempting to brand his name into consciousness, recruiting those conservative voters and being repetitively droned into recognition.

So now he's running in the provincial election for Fort Garry/Riverview. Which means as I strolled Fort Garry visiting the family, feeling conspicuously not part of the neighborhood, I saw blue Rabb signs around me, competing with James Allun orange, just a few Kevin Freedman reds. Pretty typical of political representation at that level. And as I reflected about how much I dislike Rabb, an SUV pulled up in front of me. With yet another Ian Rabb face (sticker, this time) reflected off the door, it was hard to avoid his face looking through the window as well. Interesting timing...

So he actually has an interesting history. Former drug addict, cocaine and ecstasy, former escort (for the ladies) who has even acted in porn (gasp! no word on who he partnered), says his decision making skills were twisted by the addiction he fought his entire life. I admire the addiction rehabilitation centres he's set up and overseen, finding his life's grounding in helping others overcome their own addictions. Regardless, the conservation line and crime views he perpetuates doesn't endear him to me.

Don't avoid the vote. Regardless of my views, everyone should put their mind to paper at election time. If you don't know what's going on lots of people care to inform you. Active civic community involvement creates neighbourhoods, amenities we want, traffic decisions that we agree with. Instead of relying on small numbers to make decisions and moaning afterwards, figure out now what matters to you and who would best represent your thoughts. Isn't that what it's about?

always take the weather with you

2011-09-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

The weather has turned, cruelly banishing bathing suits and lack of... it's time for sweaters and heavy socks, cuddling for warmth. There are things I love about this weather - baking sweets with my little helper, teaching measuring and filling, mixing and dumping. Earl Grey tea with heavy cream and honey warming cold fingers. It's always the fingertips... awkward typing with shivering fingertips, only from the knuckles down. Silly winnipeg cold forcing me to turn on the heat. I resisted all day after getting home thinking the days would warm our old house. Sadly no and the heat went today.

Goodbye Toronto beaches, ferrying over to Hanlan for sunshine and sand, climbing trees wandering rare grass quiet not often found in TO. These last few trips will fly by before layoff, perhaps heading westwards once more. New crews to finish off the year with and friends not seen all summer. I enjoyed my summer, though conflicted around liking my crew and half spareboard fill-ins. It felt like hardly working, especially with an entire August off after toe break 2011...

These last couple trips back have been great. Sunny skies through still green shield, coach and night duty easy trips. I slid among harried crew, smiling offering support. read, watched, edited, looked, hid, conversed. made friends. avoided others. Always dancing, still fresh among all the extra'd non stop working crew. Money money, how can i acquire more?? But I'd rather time at home, time with my boys and to enjoy the heat. Time to stroll Assiniboine Park, swim Pinawa Beach, enjoy Exchange festivals... Winter hides me inside and if I were away all summer? When to enjoy??

Christel and Joey got married this past weekend after ten years together. The wedding was fantastic, of course, every detail lovingly brought out through friends and family. The support that glues a couple together and holds them. I remember reading a piece a few years back comparing north american divorce statistics with other emerging countries, such as India. Apart from societal expectations put in place around marriage, a key piece to marital happiness revolved around expectations partners had for each other. Here we've been raised to expect that your spouse completes you, your lives revolve around each other and they should fulfill every part of you. Whereas other cultures pride their extended families, sisters, friends and others with filling some of those needs. It's a heavy burden to place on a spouse to fulfill every need singlehandedly, one that can be easily shared when we have good people in our lives. In the end, seeing all the love come together to celebrate these two, who've literally grown up together and decided they still love each other most, was inspiring. I knew I would cry and surely did as she canoed to the beach with her father and sister. I was so glad we could share her day!

Quel septembre. Quel changements de saison, de plus 30 degres a moins 2 dans des jours!
Silly and strange.That's how I like my septembres.

What the?

2011-09-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've had even less time than I'd thought to keep up with everything this summer. Certainly this blog, friends we haven't seen enough of and family the same. But, it's been a very full summer. full to brimming. Writing comes hard these days even during the few slow moments I've had. Something is brewing, hanging back out of sight... i hope to discover it during my escape eastwards at layoff. Some much needed time alone, mornings to sleep and move through uncharted days.

Working on the road I always feel guilty for the time I'm already away. Though I've needed time away, alone since nearly the spring, it's only now coming together. So I escape (which will likely be read badly, negatively). It will be here before I know, only handfuls of trips left. Hardly anything before I'll head to Quebec City mid november. The plan, to blow through Toronto and nearly completely Montreal to train QC interior. Stop a base in Quebec City, rent a car and drive around for a few days eating well, exploring alone... Ahhh, i can't wait. Somewhere I know nearly no one, though the guilt for not stopping in on family in Montreal has already plagued me. Is this the mother's cliche, guilt for everything always? Sounds so ladies journal.

Some plans will have to slowly come together, searching a good couchsurfing match in the city for one. And finding a car... i wonder if i can avoid rental agencies. all things to figure out.

J'adore le premier jour du retour.
It's the perfect day. i am welcomed by my boys, picked up by 1030. We play, unpack the suitcase and fix lunch. Then it's time to continue routine and put J down for a nap. Never with us, too much a change to his expectations (and he does go down amazingly well as long as it's mostly the same). We've cottaged at different outposts, overnighted at both sides of grandparents, stayed in tents and with large groups. He goes down easily or lays there playing quietly, periodically getting loud and requiring rebuke. That nap is so necessary! I can't understand parents whose kids outgrow naps early. Here's to hoping he naps up to kindergarten.

So we get some quiet time, relax reconnect watch shows or collapse exhaustedly into sleep. If I do, I'll sleep hard. Then afternoon cuddles return, along with usually sending dad off to work. We make dinner, do something fun like baking together and end up strolling to the park in hoodies and him in rubber boots. his choice. It's the perfect day. i get all arranged if it isn't already. Start prep for the week at home. A perfect stay around home recover and time with my little guy uninterrupted.

c'est parfait

body rebellion

2011-08-04T13:54:00.002-05:00

Fuck my broken toe. Fuck my infected cyst, painful and worrying before knowing what it was. Fuck the rash accompanying antibiotics that shouldn't have triggered allergies, but did. Up and down arms, itching like crazy and unsightly in the summertime. Nevermind the rashes dotting my body because the bruises mottling my legs are scary enough. Fuck scratching my large toe and forming an infection on there as well. Fuck my period and my stomach issues, everything combining at once. This body rebels against me! For fuck's sake

I kicked the wall last night accidentally, turning the corner too quickly and slamming my baby toe into the door jamb. The pain overwhelmed so I hopped up and down, a jude dancing between my feet thinking this show a funny prelude to bedtime. But my toe stuck out scarily, 90 degrees out from my foot. I felt faint as blood rushed through me, shaking as I hobbled to bed, worried he would request the longest books and I wouldn't make it through them. We sped through the shortest bedtime stories possible, surprised he didn't hear the nerves in my voice and the shaking through my body as he settled quietly. When the door closed behind me the sobs escaped and I made it to the phone before collapsing in tears on the couch. Of course I'm alone and pissed/freaked/scared. Now I've really done it. When I broke it last month, a fracture I assumed, i was careful but didn't worry much. But now as it sticks out sideways from my foot, knowing I've really broken it badly, that my vacation will suck ass hobbling around carefully, that i won't be able to run after my boy at the cottage and jump in the lake. That our moving things around and other stresses will suffer from me not being able to do as much as I want. And it hurts! And he will jump on it and touch it and otherwise make it difficult to avoid hurting it again. My poor toe...

I've been working on breathing these last few difficult weeks. On allowing stresses to wash through me and not to overwhelm, to take on only as much as I can handle and let the rest fall off. Every time I feel angry as things don't develop the way I want I step back. Breathe. Remind myself that it's ok and not to let my bad mood permeate everything else. Not to let my bad mood take hold at all.

This universe is testing my resolve to improve my stress and anger. Every time i successfully make it through another train trip, another argument, another hiccup in our minutely planned out schedule I am thrown more. More to test me, more to breathe through and accept. Push, push. Accept. Relax. I can do this. I can make it through you fucking up my summer and my body. Crying helps. As do brief moments of rest, moments to myself. Reflection. Easy summer days. Relax.

we went to ballet

2011-07-27T23:36:00.003-05:00

Ballet in the park, a tradition since the 70s we were reminded, to bring the community together and show off our world-class ballet in training. Though it was lauded intensely it lived to expectations, children sitting in parents' laps, singles, hipsters with dog, families, wheelchairs, couples... Everyone happy to be out a gorgeous clear eve, children tuckered from a play at the nature playground.

We went early but still parked far at six as others thought the same. Hard to tell any uptick in kids since the playground is always full and in use. What a difference! What a paradise as kids. He ran out his energy, sliding faster than ever in pants and shoes not catching on the steep drop slide. Once the sand and water was discovered we went no further, shoes and socks off, dump truck happily appropriated and more good messy fun every minute. Learning how to play side by side, to watch for others as he ran and to wait turns at the slide. Hard concepts to teach a two year old at times but we are moving there, though hands still flail out and smack mom when hurt or unhappy with what he hears. The behaviour still young, my sometimes baby, but understanding so much he often delights me. Today he knew when I told him dogs can't eat peanut butter, that dogs eat bones and dog food and meat but that peanut butter is no good for dogs. This as he intended to go offer his snack, he turned upset by what I'd told him to smack my glasses off. No, i told him, you Don't hit. Mama doesn't like that. You are mad, but you can't hit me.

But when the music started and the dancers emerged he stood focused watching. His eyes glued he stood right close to me but stared intently at the stage, delighted and excited by the jumping and spins. My little dancer whose body moves non-stop. He stops his day at a good song and stands to wave hands and bend over, bopping and moving to music. This he did at the show, between sitting quietly in my lap, hugging and laying down watching the sky and simply standing, staring at the dancers. His interest was so intent I couldn't believe at only two he would watch so closely.

We funnily ended up sitting with friends, not realizing until we both arrived at the same patch of grass. I carried jude and his snack as we aimed for an open spot in the middle of the crowd, perfectly in line with the stage. We arrived at the same time and i'd said "i think there might be room for us to share" before hearing my name and looking up to see the sharers were sisters I work with and her two children. So funny without looking for friends you end up together. And lovely to chat with her slightly older children and see what comes next.

Before the ending and mass exodus of people i packed my very tired boy into a hardly used mei-tei wrap and carried my monkey back through the playground. Remembering the rows of swings, the slowly disappearing slides and monkey bars that made up the shell... and now a fantastic use of space clearly well paid for. How lucky we are to take in so much for free. Lucky :)

sunset field

2011-07-20T21:07:00.030-05:00

I would love to make love in a field, surrounded by grasses and rushes three feet high, invisible from the road in a world completely your own.

this is where I've walked to, just down the road from the cottage. Scaled a fence and trespassed into fields buffeted by winds as the sun sets slowly over Lac du Bonnet. I needed this time, to relax, to be alone, to walk without aim or effort. i feel hidden, lost from sight as wind caresses nude feet, softly edging over soles too often treaded and forgotten.

I may be discovered. oh well. had heard the truck moving down the road, searching me out. will see if steps approach, apologize and meekly escape to the road, and home.

searching, searching.

if only he would call out to me i would sit and face my dues... or would i? hard to say as i see him stride not twenty feet away and call out - what? What?! then the truck starts up. drives around the bend and stops. are you drawing me out, was this a terribly bad idea? if so, couldn't you call to me rather then drive up and down the road, searching me out? unless that wasn't the idea but you came into the field, looking looking.

i stayed low, waiting quietly. if this was cow pasture the grasses would be trampled, if bulls lived here and i feared for my life the signs would be visible. i strode far enough from the road to lay hidden as you patrolled the field, clearly having seen me enter. to stop me, for what reason other than to protect your field i don't know. protect from what, from whom? to scare me? to catch me? i lay here, ready to be caught or to wait for darkness and creep out.

** i don't have a photo of me to accompany this post. every picture of me is in relation to others

two already??

2011-06-29T15:44:00.002-05:00

So much for having more time for myself, for life, for everything once work fully swung into place! One day I will realize that long languid days no longer exist, that pressing matters I somewhat successfully put out of mind only create more stress as they sit undone, those twinges reminding me of everything uncrossed on my neverending to-do list.

He isn't napping, today. I can hear him shuffling in the room, loud soother sucking, tossing blankets around and thumbing books. Most days naps are easy. Once we finally came back onto routine after a first hit when mom returned to the road followed by a train trip that further lost sleep routines. They came with me, both boys as mama worked a quiet takeout trip. Loads of time to snuggle and play, have my boy curious around me and an expected quiet trip where i could see them. "what a dedicated via employee, going out of her way to play with the kids" one of two incredibly goodlooking french men traveling in coach said that trip. "umm, it looks to me that they resemble each other a lot... i think that's her kid" said the other obviously more astute of the pair. I can't really see sitting with a pyjama'd blond tired mop reading bedtime stories in my takeout corner for random coach children... dedicated employee indeed.

But he shuffles today, restless and not tired/too tired. i know those days. your body needs the rest but your limbs move, you can't settle. He's been cranky, a little tired and listless but still releasing the bounds of energy his body needs to burn off. Yesterday brought the largest sustained meltdown yet and still early in the morning, well before the naptime crankiness usually begins. He cried hysterically at a friends, through the house and into the car. five minutes of sitting in the car while he bucked to avoid bring buckled throwing his strong body around. Howling continued the entire ride home, 11am down Osborne with the windows down and insistent yelps and cries from the backseat. it continued into the house only and finally subsisted as we threw him into bed with his rabbitty and baby, the familiar comforts of bed and milk too much to resist.

Today sleep doesn't come easy. I give advil knowing he's badly cutting a tooth and not feeling his best, hoping the relief will allow his body to rest. I read an extra book, tuck him in extra tight, firmly return him to his bed nine times. finally i lay down beside him, his body strumming. legs kick out arms reaching to play, to hit, to touch, he can't still himself. 'Stop' i say 'No more moving'. and 'if you want mom to lay down with you, stop moving'. i remind him a few times and finally stretch my body to contain him in every way, legs covered by mine, arms around holding hands still, elbow tucked into my side. my head rests on his to hold him still completely as he fights then gives in, drifting off to sleep nearly as soon as the body is forced to a calm state.

Today it is his birthday! Two years old, already. Already? they all say. and Doesn't the time pass so fast? Yes and yes, i have to agree with both. But today we cut his hair. Took him to a barber downtown for his first outside haircut. A bus ride and exploring downtown skywalks led us there where Wally set him on a board and worked quickly while Jude scowled. What's this business? i could see him thinking. We must have looked so happy and excited for him that he was confused. I'm supposed to like this? hmmm, don't get it. But they seem so happy! oh well, lollipops (loodlepopshhs!) and a kitty from home to snuggle under the cape kept him distracted as did the soother brought specially in case it was needed. Moms always think of this stuff and come prepared with gobs of stuff while Chris said that's why dads always seem so fun and spontaneous because they have to make stuff up on the fly. I might have to agree with that generalization...

in and out of sunshine

2011-06-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

the rains been hanging heavy, in and out of sunshine come grey skies, lashing winds. Hasn't felt much like emerging though we keep getting out between rain showers. Plus to not watering the garden! boo to hearing I need nylons over my cabbages to stop the worms from overtaking them (thanks for the tip Christel!). One more thing to attend to in this yard. I love it... but it's so much work to keep at a barely adequate level!

Vancouver = surviving on very little sleep. seven nights with five hours or less per night. wow how to continue operating night after day after night...

Winnipeg = cutting and cutting and cutting grass, weeds, branches... a boy suddenly rising in the night for cuddles and sleeping with mom. What happened to our good sleeper? Oh we had a good, easy run for a while there. Believing ourselves so lucky, and we were, that he happily bedded down not rising til the sun. Now he cries out at 2 or more often opens his door, climbs the stairs and clamours over dad to get between, the warmest, coziest spot. We never minded him in our bed but staying asleep becomes a chore when he's happy and wiggly and awake. So how to change back? I know the disruption mama on the road brings and the excitement craving contact he has when I'm home. But I couldn't close him in his room, bringing him back to bed and letting him cry in the night. And I'm done when I lay down in that purple sheeted twin bed, curled around my son sharing space with two pillows, a bear and a rabbit, various soothers and an empty bottle. Then we sleep curled together breathing each other's warmth. I had missed those nighttime moments during the couple months he shunned me from his bed. What to do...

I have a number of Cherrystems sets in the waiting... a yoga themed set for me when all schedules connect. Waiting to shoot a sinatra crooner style strip once we find a good location - anyone know of stages/piano rooms/etc where we might stage this? Also looking for a sixties office/den to do a comic book shoot. If you have ideas or want to brainstorm locations let me know. I'm fearing getting pegged shooting males only... I'm loving experimenting with willing male models to get great nudes but would super love to collaborate with girls as well. I gotta schedule me some shoots because now that I have the time and the means to edit my photos, i don't have anything scheduled to work on! Isn't that always the way life takes you.

In only one month my sister will be a mama too... i can't believe she's passed this journey so fast, already in her final month, breathing yoga meditations and planning her midwife homebirth in a cozy st vital rental with boyfriend. Both parents to be were homebirth babies and are now hoping theirs will join the list. What a transition to see them travel this year... anxious. methodical. calmly awaiting their new love. And before we know it

Mimi the intrepid traveler has all the experiences and stories one would hope from traveling the world. Trekking Nepal to Everest base camp, without guides or porters... altitude sickness, getting briefly lost on the mountain, new intense friendships. elephants, scooters, beaches at night. What more could you ask than an emergence into new worlds. I wish she could stay months more and in same I'll be anxiously awaiting her figure down the stairs!

This is gonna be a summertime of fun. We're planning a second birthday party for the end of month... then there's :
Teddy Bear's picnic (check)
Kildonan Park's Art in the Park (check)
Pride Weekend (? i leave sunday night, possibly with the boys in tow! hope to get down during the day) KidsFest (coming up!)
Reopening of the Children's Museum
and so much more... that only brings us to next week! It's going to be a busy full summer and i can't wait. Sunshine and family, patio drinks and nighttime hours, music in the air, giggles and reddened cheeks. I can't wait. My new thrift store sundresses made me happy yesterday, thanks Sew Dandee! So did running in the fields with the cutest blond head and flashing smile while my hat flapped in the wind. Blowing dandelions all over the city.

Quoi d'autre... we have borrowed a cat, again, to get rid of our mouse problem, again. The windows stay open every night and the thunderstorm crashing through our loft bedroom was a rare treat. I can't wait to experience this month and i wish it could slow dow n

facebook and changing memories...

2011-05-26T21:36:00.001-05:00

i went through my facebook profile photos yesterday... looking back at the way I chose to remember and represent myself the past few years. remembering moments and what I was doing then. facebook has starting including every email you've ever wrote someone when you message them. which is strange to see communications over years, some long some simply recurring... a record of the contacts and histories you have with someone.

facebook will change the way my son knows me. he'll see the photos of him I've posted and the loving, exasperated non stop appreciations of his being. i feel torn about posting photos and stories to the world then simply want to explore more. the catharsis of figuring things out while writing them, the weighing in from friends and others about issues, the understanding of our lives others have without being in constant contact. Then there's the ability to look back and see your feelings at that moment. But these things my son will read which weighs in. Hmmm, secret diary open to the world. Living a life of honesty, free and open. What will it bring?

(my facebook photo today. mon amour et Rabbity)

spring!

2011-05-26T14:45:00.000-05:00

getting home greenery crowded from all sides. It's lush and overgrown, an explosion from before we left. Though we'd just cut the grass it needed it again. The front window framed in green that were only buds one week ago. now I need the hot heat that lush yards should bring. The rain has left everything damp indoors but cool, our 1903 home always good at staying cool despite large windows... i feel i live in savannah when our yard drips tendrils and pinecones, apple trees blossoms and crabgrass that won't be annihilated. the garage falling down slowly reclaimed by trees and rabbits... a mishmash firepit, random stepping stones half sunk in mossy carpet. I love our yard despite overturned earthworm ground that always feels rough underfoot, dandelion garden competing grass and clover underfoot. I love our giant pine sheltering robins and jays and little boys running underneath... the left behind dog house a perfect two year old size as they hide and giggle inside. soon the garden will flourish and the evening rays will smell of basil and mint once more.

We spend as much time as we can outside though the heat hasn't appeared again... my bean is exploding in cuddles and happiness at our time together, washing dishes side by side, checking construction and trucks at the corner, running circles around a mama maypole body tense with energy. I know it'll be busy, fitting visits and yardwork and housework and shows... but each moment will be fun and worth the craziness :)

my end of the world

2011-05-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

follows as any other day. A rainy vancouver long weekend where I actually stayed in for hours resting as I should most layovers. The allure of the city draws me out to wander and explore. I stayed in bed for hours after arriving late to non stop drizzle through bright skies. Time to work, time to catch up on emails never sent and union work sitting in my lap for months. Time to reconnect with old friends, time to lay my head down while saturday drains away from me. Enjoying restful afternoon in my 9th floor hotel room watching pigeons court the dames.

Tonight I'll hit the town with a friend from Van and see where the night leads. Today I rested my soul and took time.

Those VIA lads and ladies who left recently will miss the sunny afternoons in the baggage car, doors slid wide as valleys and mountains slide past and the air rushes in. Disheveled return to coach hair askew smelling of smoke and mountain winds. They'll miss random nighttime conversations when you sit listening to traveler tales. I sat in the dark hearing Tyson Kerr's compositions after seeing him transcribe music across the prairies. The world slid past as you pause.

whoa

2011-04-27T12:35:00.000-05:00

WHOA!

too much this April! I call quits. Can we fast forward to June?

It's not that things aren't fantastic. They are. To look at how much we are doing and how much fun we're having, it's insanely good. My life is pretty darn wonderful. Except all that work to get to wonderful, the minutia of every day drowning me in lists and must-do's, with looming deadlines nonetheless!! Taxes which haven't been done yet (along with last years... shhh! Christ i really really need to get on it). The garden sits waiting to be tended and raked and prepared for another fruitful year. Warming weather shopping pressure reminds you of all the preparations before we can really enjoy the pending summer. Add preps for back on the train that have hovered all month in anticipation of changes and mama's head feels full of rolling marbles all day and night.

I finally hit up the doctors after months of family concern over my stomach issues and losing weight (definitely a good side benefit, but the feeling sick and hardly eating sure doesn't do much for my health and ability to weather). So the rounds of blood tests and gastroentorologist appts begin anew... Last time I went through this I had high expectations of finding out the reason and making changes to be healthy again. That fell flat after months of rounds and hopes to only be told "you have (insert catch all digestive syndrome here). We don't know what causes it. There is nothing to do except wait out an attack, which can last weeks to months to years. We don't know what can cause a relapse. There is nothing you can do". As you can tell, my hopes are not high for a different outcome this time!!!

However, to rule out ovarian cancer and upper GI infections and on and on we shall begin anew. Here are my recommendations as we wait for results:

low carb diet. Fairly easy to uphold since I don't really feel like eating anything. although I have been trying to eat carbs to maintain my current weight. Hopefully that doesn't plummet as I start limiting my already limited diet, especially since I've already borrowed all my sisters' skinny clothes! I need three full wardrobes, i think. One for my heavy weight, my usual weight and my skinny weight. About 40lbs worth of difference means if you want to actually look good in your clothes you need stuff that actually fits no matter your size.
20 mins of exercise daily. brisk walk, bike ride, intense sexual activity??? I think that counts!! lol. Sticking to this one is fairly easy considering the amount of running after a wild toddler I do.
lay off the weed for a month. hmmm, that should be interesting to see how it turns out. My family doctor has heard all and isn't judgmental which is great when it comes to disclosing lifestyle information. So when I explained my usual eating habits - nothing in the morning unless I can force down a smoothie, perhaps a bit of snacking during the day and usually feeling full until dinnertime. But at night I can eat my only full meal of the day. And when I smoke in the evening, munchies guarantee I'll get at least 2/3 of the calories I should take in. Now without that extra push, we'll see if I can manage to eat at all. This should be an interesting May...

So that's where that is. Let the fun begin?

snuggle monster pictures

2011-04-21T08:34:00.000-05:00

train, oh train, where are you

2011-04-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm ready. so ready to return to the click clack rumble tracks, pressed blue uniforms still waiting for the sizes that fit this year. And I haven't gotten my letter calling me back to the board though i miss by few numbers... I wait, i wait. And my suitcase sits half packed body taut awaiting calls each day.... the string tightening preparing for change and changing uncertainties. how will the now nearly two year old react to mom's absences? since we ended nursing in the past four weeks he has become a snuggly monster, crawling into laps wrapping strong arms around necks to pull us close, breathe us in and cover our face with wet open mouthed kisses. I feel him approach from behind and climb my back to hold onto me.

His existence is physical. Without words his body radiates, shakes with laughter as the face delights, eyebrows wide face expansive capturing each movement. He leaps and gallops, spins circles and walks a silly wide-gait stride. He touches and pushes and scratches and pulls. His fingers glide on my skin, cupping my face and pressing until it hurts. Nuzzling noses an extreme sport only for those who don't wear glasses or mind bruised faces. When Jude hurts or is shocked and unhappy, his face turns down, arms lash out towards mom or dad. i don't like this his entire body says. Such strong emotions and not being understood to handle at not yet two.

And then he curls on my lap bringing purposeful books (Just me and my Mom), wriggles down to run into the other room and fetch baby bear. His focus surprises me every time. Most other friends his age hardly sit through one story book while Jude could hear twenty long stories without boredom. What a joy reading books with my child.

I'm anxious to go knowing all will change so shortly preferring to start that journey now and GET STARTED ALREADY

Anxious much?

past halfway April

2011-04-19T22:52:00.000-05:00

April flies past us every year! expectations of work coming back keeps you on toes, trying to enjoy and prepare. the to-do list insanely long getting longer, searching for breaks and days of non-stop energy to get everything done. My to-do list will have to be separated, prioritized. A house list, a for work, child, summer, etc....

then i set it aside. the lists sits idle buried on the desk while we make snowmen in the yard early Saturday when the sticky late night downfall rolled perfect instant snowballs, my boy munching carrots and getting dirty in the mucky wet yard. We've been ricocheted to family birthday party with usual undercurrents of frustration, an overtired but appreciated visit with my midwife Kat who hadn't been seen since Jude was two months, goodbye tears with my youngest Mimi who flew to Hong Kong Friday but got stuck in Calgary for a day and now roams buddhist temples and crowded marketplaces. then we added insane reconnection time for our three man family. How lovely to manage so much time together despite a friday and saturday and monday that rivalled insanity in things to get done.

But we did everything we'd hoped, including an incredible show with Flying Fox and the Hunter Gatherers. Everytime I catch them live the energy catches me, how each moves and dances with abandon, completely embracing the project and whatever they need to do. I can't imagine any egos onstage going I don't sing/dance maniacally/drum garbagecans/wear an improbable huge costume while trumpetting (or even more improbably but insanely impressive, tromboning!!!).

The songs intricately crafted, his melodic theatrical mesmerizing voice commanding above it. Each has their moments though, as the bass player throws his frame around the stage dueling drums or piano or voice. I got some great shots of the show a few months ago and were i not shy of walking in front i'd have more. Still, who can't love six hot trained musicians that make folk mythic music that coils inside and rocks you end to end. Winnipeg grown too - this is the stuff I love to find!

Chris and I kicked ourselves hard for not seeing them perform the Where the Wild Things Are rock opus they wrote in the past couple years. When the second act brought three songs each perfectly encompassed of the story we all know (and as he wails "i'll EAT you up" and growls I'll eat you up and moans "i'll eat. You. up.", he is the boy in the wolf suit). then the wild rumpus began and I couldn't believe how we'd missed seeing it once at the Park Theatre and again during fringe fest last year where we didn't attend any shows, again.... We won't make that mistake again. this a show we have to make it to!

It was so worth going. Ended far too soon as music like this should continue late into the night, drinks in hand and rocking dance floor romances forming as bodies move to old time tunes. the kitchen parties and music that continues while players float in and out and forms on its own.

Since it ended early we made it to an east kildonan prairie social where 420 tickets sold along traditional 50/50 and auction tickets. the train and non-train friends were both great to see as we trolled dressed to nines in suspender shorts and bowties. Not your usual social attire but of course our priorities lay in looking good for the show ;) obviously. I didn't win (obviously, because i never do unless the prize of alcohol is useless to me in pregnancy). But great to catch up with those we often don't see and enjoy our night out together to the ends. Then we came home and tangled the sheets... another pro to moving out of the family bed last month when he'd be 21months. As much as i miss sleeping with a warm, cuddly snugglebug.... i am loving the freedom of bedtime when we choose and playtime when we want, extra space in our queen size without our 5ft toddler taking up half the room. We can chat in bed without worrying about waking him. And he sleeps through the night almost every night, waking between 4-7a.m. but leaning to the latter most days. Oh it's been heavenly!

And now, adieu.

spring transitions

2011-04-12T18:16:00.000-05:00

she lays naked on the couch, grey sweater silhouetting curves barely. languid from bathing heat rising from skin, smooth air dried skin still slightly dry emerging from hidden winter hideout. these days are warm enough that winnipeggers steal every possible moment outside. on walks we see life in yards on porches, strolling the village still sporting tired winter fashions, matted hairs and not needed layers we can't quite put away. the students frantically study celebrating each exam knocked down anticipating summer drinking cabin visits time...

i know better, i know no extra time exists. it doesn't stop me yearning for the return to rails with long blocks in between, the escape and excitement of new experiences, the rhythm. Long summer eves with friends and wine, being self learning more, stimulation. I can't wait to escape city bounds, bring my boy to the country to roam fields and trails, wander and see where it leads. His smile fills his entire face, every corner filled with grins and light.

my littlest sister leaves for adventure on friday and excitement for her fights with seeing her struggle to make this huge change. my mimi is forever three years old, pudgy hand reaching for mine, forming identity within a huge brood of five strong personalities. Mature beyond her years and serious (at times!), compartmentalizing parts of her life and allowing different parts to come out with every group. And now, she'll wander the world with her closest friend to discover herself. The nerves, the worries and before we know friday morning boarding flights to asia begins. The sisters and mom feted her at lunch and the first goodbyes ached my heart, knowing when she returns everything will be the same except one. She is due to return after leona's due date, although we do birth late babies. chances are no baby will arrive and she'll anxiously rush home hoping... Such changes, such transitions... i can't wait to see her come home to us, be changed and energized for wherever life leads next

these days....

cuteness update

2011-04-09T18:58:00.002-05:00

between coming home from work today and getting ready to meet a friend Chris took a nap upstairs. Jude has been somewhat unwell the last while, lots of runny noses and leaking eyes tired sore tummy babe. He must have thought Chris was sick too and kept coming over to take care of him. Lay down beside him, pull up blankets, give kisses, bring water... he even took a piece of toilet paper to wipe dad's nose while he lay there... Do you think he's ingrained this piece of taking care of already?

So loving and such a sweet, caring boy

dance time

2011-04-09T17:28:00.000-05:00

We've been rocking out to some crazy tunes lately... though i look like a crazy animal maniacally dancing through the house, my bean loves it and collapses into giggles. That is when he isn't spinning leaping bum shaking floor wiggling non stop dance partying right along with me

I know our neighbours in the apartments across get plenty to see when they look through our front window. I'm sure they have some very interesting ideas about us! We decided early on not to worry about them... our blinds are sheer and when the light shines through at night they'll see everything we do anyway. As much as I am myself in public, in my home i unwind. relax. don't care whether we look good. spend ample amounts of undressed. If someone gets a thrill peeking through our windows i hope it's a good one.

My three favorite videos/songs of the moment are all dance focused. I love watching people dance! Especially when they're talented and stir emotions from the gut. That's one skill I'd love to have, to be able to dance well! I dance, at home, when drunk or when the music gets in my bones and I can't help moving. But it's far from a pretty sight and I certainly couldn't go up and confidently shake my moves with someone else :) Though I'd be sorely tempted.

These are the three in my head all the time these days... which made me start thinking of my favorite dance videos of all time. I think a compilation is in order.

Love love love love... each in it's own way. Still struggling with staying home all of april. I was hoping to get away and still harbour faint hopes of booking a last minute ticket and taking off. for where? who knows. to do what? whatever it brings

So, all time favorite dance videos
Weapon of Choice- Fatboy Slim
Yes please to Christopher Walken breaking it down as only he can
Days go by - Dirty Vegas

I'm taking suggestions for further additions so please do add in :)

to family

2011-04-02T00:04:00.000-05:00

i saw my sister tonight bright and glowing, hair curling (not a usual thing for those who know the lovely Le, who began straightening her hair at fourteen and doesn't often let it flow). A gorgeous glowing mane of curls welcomed us in from chill april air to a brightly lit living room, full curved baby growing self standing there. She just looked so relaxed, fresh faced and happy in a house space with her man, getting things ready for the babe to come. And in a large, now snug tee she looked so full and gorgeously round already you wonder how big she will be in three months!

i will become an aunty through her, a different experience than being aunty to chris' niece and nephews... Especially through a sister and one who although we cycle in and out of close contact have always had an important connection and ability to talk about anything. And a close cousin for jude. Her original due date had been his same birthday plus two years! We do have an interesting habit of clustering birthdays in my family...

I am Nov 24 and my mom Nov 25
Le and my dad share a Feb 10
Marc and Mimi obviously are twinned on July 26

My bro Gabe the only one without a birthday partner... and born on a friday the 13th no less! We would tease him for it, the bad luck birthday and all alone as well while secretly craving a birthday that didn't always result in shared cake and attention. My mother early in my lifetime decided one year to celebrate hers in september so as to actually receive a celebration that was about her. But birthdays were always an important thing at home.

My parents - usually my mom - baked personalized cakes. A guitar for my dad, a burger, a train and a castle and bunny rabbits, a cat with licorice whiskers... My most amazing cake came during my Beatles obsession, oddly coinciding with a Marily Manson phase which may have been influenced by a lot of Circus and Hit Parader. Oh the 90s music mags, i miss them... I digress. my walls were covered with Nirvana and MM competing for space with my prior tween crush magazine photos, an entire outside wall with my favorite liverpool boys. The year my dad photocopied the Abbey Road cover, cut out and laminated each beatle then walked them across my birthday cake. Definitely the best cake i got. My brother wanted pies to the face one silly fourth grade or so year. he absolutely got his wish.

and soon we will have a new wish join us and create a family of it's own. A little family watching Labyrinth lounging one quiet friday night at home, unsorted baby clothes waiting and changes rushing them slowly...

where have i been

2011-03-27T00:41:00.000-05:00

in my head
in the clouds
in the mountains
in bed
within me a writhing beast churning, driving me through days i can't imagine ending

we ended our nursing relationship this week, the emotions tempered by going through it alone. Took a train ride to jasper getting paid for minimal work, on a nearly all male crew. i craved female companionship, a friend or a coworker or a comforting ear to unload my concerns and worries onto. a fellow mama or even a male who would listen to me rail about my rock hard boobs (and not sexy large tits... although they did look pretty appealing i must say!). And the loveliness of wearing cabbage leaves in my bra to help dry my milk and soothe my inflamed tatas... of searching jasper for sage tea and sharing my woes with the cashier, if only because she was a she and friendly and told me she'd weaned her son too... it was time alone, forced time to myself to wander darkened mountain streets and overhear small town conversations, to drink wine out of regular hotel room glasses while i immersed my body in water - first bath, then shower, then rooftop hottub and back to the bath, back to the hottub... my breasts ached at me, my camera weighed against them and was left in the room often, they elicited admiring glances and even a comment (after i invited it by mentioning my predicament) that she'd noticed a change in size between days... which says a lot, in our baggy work uniform. Which meant working on a male crew i had to work that much harder not to invite attention/comments/advances....

for those who care and who have been there, i pumped when they became excruciating.... i likely could have pumped earlier but withheld, hoping we had dropped enough feeds and gone many lengths without nursing before that my body would adapt without pumping at all. Not the case and I finally gave in when my boulders hardly floated in the water. And I gave in last night and allowed Jude to nurse in the night, though i was worried of telling my body to produce more but figured enough time had passed that allowing him a sleepy nighttime feed would be alright. And he asks for Na, but not as often as I thought he would. And he pulls at my shirt but last night pressed his hand to my breast and just left it there for comfort. I love his face as I put him to bed and leave the room to a little blond head, eyes peeking out from under his giant comforter. Such intense love, love love love love. And my breasts will belong to me again soon :)

eight to twelve

2011-03-07T21:38:00.002-06:00

eight - family
my boys sweetly interacting over books

nine- sweetness
what could be sweeter than this face

ten- something that is easy for me
shopping is fun, browsing checking out fashions trying new ideas and looks. i don't enjoy shopping purposefully when i need to find something or am being specific. slowly making your way through crowded stores, eyes open to what finds you, draws you. i look always and buy when i love it.

eleven- something that is hard for me
not being critical of my body, no matter what size I am. this winter i lost at least twenty pounds off my usual frame, effects of digestive problems that arise every few years. although it's not good to go through, there's nothing to do but wait out the months of little appetite and sluggishness. the one good thing is losing weight easily, not that am usually unhappy with my size. but for a while i get to enjoy being thin without effort knowing that soon enough my body will return to normal and i don't have the self control or interest in working to maintain a thinner frame.

but no matter what my body looks like, i will always find a criticism when i look at my film. a part of the catharsis in posting photos online and overcoming the self-criticism, knowing in twenty years i'll look back longingly at the body i had in my twenties.

twelve- cold
no explanation needed

time is on my mind

2011-03-06T00:10:00.000-06:00

time time time time

never enough, always lamenting the rush of life and trying to add more. But I went to yoga on Friday morning, a beautiful grounding moon salutations that had my legs trembling with exertion but stilled my vibrating soul for a spell. I am needing these moments to ground and reconnect with myself as life flashes by, an epileptic episode of moments exciting and mind-numbingly dull.

I am excited to hit the rails again soon... took a trip to vancouver that was a blast despite working a frozen car with non-working toilets or shower, fighting my way through sprays of hot water from a burst pipe at 5am and working night duty both nights. But i got lots of sleep and worked with a fantastic crew, met amazing people including a videographer for Point Blank Creative - check out the faux-trailer for Archie that they just posted online, made with a hundred craigslist volunteers from the vancouver film community. LOVE it! They were working on a short film based on a poem David Pritchett wrote during a rail journey in 2008, a twenty-three minute poem titled I will not shoot buffalo from this train. Looking forward to seeing the finished product in the fall sometime.

Not only that, i sat with Brian for ages discussing cameras and filming. I'd shot a short clip of Jude before leaving to watch when i missed his face... and i couldn't figure out how to focus properly as he ran around the living room in and out of focus (auto 3.5, that's why!!). We talked gear and lenses for a while then he played around and got her set up on manual filming, and filled me in on why shutter speed plays a part of film. Good times talking shop :)

and oh, vancouver was a trip. a too fast brimming day, a little much booze and definitely not enough sleep before rising rockstar at six, hair out of place tight jeans and shades in the still dark morning to catch a flight home. thankfully i dozed in and out on the flight to be awake at home with my favorite boys and an emotional reunion for a toddler dealing with new levels of feeling now that mom goes away. He was a right mess between manically excited dancing to collapsing in tears at every slight. It's a hard age to be feeling everything so intensely and have little control over what goes on. We snuggled and kept close, and nursed (that is the next transition - weaning before back on the train!) while watching Thomas just being together. And the day passed, and his first round of antibiotics is nearly done. This life makes me smile wide.

three to seven

2011-03-03T04:00:00.002-06:00

i took my camera with me on this trip to vancouver. Left saturday morning, turning my six day work stretch into a nine day odyssey. A great trip, however.

three - best friend and five reasons why

Chris is my absolute best friend. Apart from spending the last ten years entrenched in each others lives separately and together, he still smiles at me from his heart and we grow together to accommodate how each other changes. He is an amazing dad, a great friend and he won't allow me to watch Gossip Girl or America's Next Top Model without him, can debate fashion merits as easily as politics, is smart and interested in new ideas and encourages me to be the most amazing person i can. I feel pretty lucky to have found such a good match so early in life. I love you my closest friend :) on the day i took this we hadn't seen each other for 24 hours already and i left on the train in the morning while he was away for a 15 hour day...

four - romance

I think the train is romance. the movement and clatter of wheels on tracks, rolling past corners of canada and through people's lives smoothly. the stories i hear. the inspiration of the rail life, the music and connections forged through travels and discussion. it lifts you above the mundane to notice intimate moments, to share important times with others.

five - something that scares me

the dark. i used to read horror and horrifically detailed true crime novel. I'd soak it up reading voraciously, learning about the human mind as it's most base instincts and flawed actions. then i'd worry about someone lurking around the corner, unseen under cover of darkness. I'd worry when there was empty space behind me (as in now, at the computer with my back to the room. Damn it!). a continuation of believing in monsters under my bed as a child, leaping from the bed at least three feet out when I had to get out in the night, sleeping back against the wall, more space between me and the edge of the bed... I don't watch scary movies much anymore and avoid the csi and law and order type shows that make me hardened.

six - freedom

freedom here is anonymity. big city life roaming alleys and skies, unchained by scheduling or life expectations, being open to seeing the world just as it is. i couldn't decide between two pictures from my wanderings.

seven - a favorite place

how i love finding nature misplaced in the city. surrounded by concrete and little sunshine a healthy evergreen. discovering little quiet corners within the vast rushing city is what i seek.

two - light

2011-02-25T15:07:00.000-06:00

i love the pattern of light on the windowsill this morning... makes me feel underwater

one - self portrait +10

2011-02-24T22:20:00.000-06:00

I agreed weeks ago to start this photo challenge and thought about it too many times. It began with 'today would be a good day to start' and I planned to take my self portrait shot infinite times always to abandon consciously, knowing once i started i was undertaking one more thing on my overfilled plate. I enjoy life like this, spilling out of the cracks but agonize also over the excess that pours away, that I can't attend to after I've said yes and that sits in my mind, knowing i can't do it, not procrastination though I've been good at that too when I don't want to do it. These are things and projects that I want to take on but when the list begins to swell i prioritize and they fall away.

So i knew taking that first shot meant each day i would expect of myself to meet the goal and would surely fail to. It's still a journey to allow myself to fail and to be ok with it. So

1) today i thought f*ck it and started anyhow
2) i am wearing our designated family sweater. it joined our family when Chris was heavier. i wore it while pregnant because it fit and was so cozy. when Jude was a baby I'd wrap him to me and cover us with the giant sweater. i can still wrap us both inside though he now wouldn't stand being so confined to mom but thinks it hilarious to come share the hood with me. a shared, family sweater that we all use :)
3) i haven't posted photos because i'm sure they don't reach the standards i've set for myself. which is ridiculous because i know i am learning, but i also know what i want to achieve and don't like to be disappointed in my results.
4) i had a difficult conversation with a friend that was needed to save a friendship from draining away. not fun times but so needed - i was glad to realize i'd grown and wasn't ok with letting things go unsaid and rot away a relationship
5) i miss riding the bus. i miss the time to sit and observe the world, the daily commute of life, the proximity to all different types of people that you miss in a car. i don't miss unheated bus shacks.
6) i am coming close to being back on the train and look forward to the familiar rhythm
7) i have to stop reading maclean's magazines because although i enjoy it, it leaves no time to read anything else. by the time i work through my backlog of magazines the next batch have arrived and it starts again, leaving months without reading a novel
8) watching the sun set late in the day (comparatively!) makes my heart smile bigger each day
9) i feel strongly that i need double the shoes that i currently own
10) this is a happy point of life for me and i couldn't be happier to share all this with my love

dog days of february

2011-02-13T22:56:00.000-06:00

these last couple weeks have hardly given us room to breathe, never mind cram all the busyness of life into the corners of our overfilled cup. I have no complaints but ample appreciation for how Chris and I managed to navigate and find ways to talk past our stresses and connect together through these times. We both started new parttime jobs at the same time, essentially going from one parttime position in this household to accommodating a full and parttime job into our lives. Yes, the money is appreciated and much needed, the outside stimulation, meeting new people out of the house is a good thing. But figuring out car usage and babysitters for overlapping shifts, running past each other some days hardly together, frustrations of accepting last minute shifts and scheduled "family time" has forced our family into new arrangements completely and we've all had to adjust. I think things are actually going well now that we've passed the first couple weeks and are getting used to setting aside time for ourselves. Some things neglected hardly seen, others completely forgotten as the priority list balloons. But busy lives are fun, movement and sunshine pushing us towards spring.

We've already spring cleaned and with some gorgeous days behind and currently with us, I've decided it's April. It has been april already for a few weeks and will continue to be until actual april overtakes us. Days spend with Jude who'll grab his boots and place a hand on the door at -30 trying to get outside. When it's nice out we'll walk around the block finding treasures and noticing trucks and birds, or stand shovelling side by side in the yard. We wandered slowly down Corydon this just below freezing day, sidewalks cleared for little booted feet and one piece snowsuit to run mittened hands along doorways, ducking under chains, picking up twigs and investigating them by sniffing, bending, breaking (shock - what happened mama?), destroying a clump of snow with said twig... His days are full of dogs (always a hand out body held at a distance) and trucks, smelling spices which he'll request by standing by the sink inhaling deeply, rides on the computer chair in the upstairs which we discovered today the mom does WAY better than dad when he pushed dad away repeatedly and sat expectantly for me... Reading Corduroy's Day in which he'll flip impatiently to page four, where He played with 4 trucks and his eyes push out, ooh and thrusting the book at us... 4 trucks!! Mama Look!! Four trucks, oooohhhh. Oooh. Excitement :)

Working back in a restaurant is nice, busy bustling kitchen and chefs, especially considering I started a new restaurant jobs during Dine About which brought us many new guests and long nights learning everything. I hate the initial learning curve of starting a new job, having to ask questions for everything and so much to learn. So much less effort to do your job well when you can just focus on the job and not all the stuff that becomes automatic after a while. But a chance to practice my French more, serving in St. Boniface. And Chris, well let's say that he deals in vices. He was already peddling booze at the LC and has added twenty hours a week selling porn and other... enhancements. Too funny and I'm sure the clientele is varied (but likely overlapping, since he serves in the same area for both!). And can I say that he was warned (and which job actually has to verbally state this) that selling yourself to clients was unacceptable. Apparently they'd had this problem before with staff (!!) so it had to be said. oh my... At least it could never be boring!

Aside from these my photography class has been continuing and though I haven't had time to post about it, and a crappy slow computer has stopped me from uploading many images. The next hopeful purchase is a new laptop which every late night goes towards making happen. New laptop!! (this should be sung in a high falsetto)

Last night I had balls of fun out at Park Theatre with Chris and a few friends, watching a Phantom of the Paradise/Rocky Horror double feature. And what could be better than catching both in theatre as virgins (no we did not dress up although Nicole and I have agreed next time we won't back out), at the Park with a bar in the back, drinking gin and t's, kissing in backlanes and thoroughly enjoying a night away together. It was stellar and we'll definitely do it again..

Photos another time. Tonight I'm beat and this'll take hours to upload if I try adding pics now. Bonne nuit

this child of mine

2011-01-26T13:31:00.000-06:00

Has a mouthful of teeth, pointy and sharp. The toothy grin changed his whole face and come in useful for fun activities like grinding them together to make cool sounds... prying lids off of containers and boxes... sinking teeth into deliciously fleshy body parts such as my bum... We've been working on no biting for months now, the excitement overwhelming his body and I'm sure it feels good in his mouth. Not so good for us! He'll now cover his head with a blanket or shirt before coming at us, thinking if we don't see him advancing mouth open for a big chomp perhaps he won't get into trouble. I shove a hand between his mouth and my thigh "Don't bite mama!" to head him off before it comes, twist and contort to escape his surprisingly strong grasp. We remind him that it hurts and say Ouch strongly enough to get the message across yet not excitedly enough to make it seem a fun game... He doesn't bite other children or even other people so I know it's an expression of love and excitement with the people he trusts the most. But OUCH! He discovered my bum lately as I stand in the bathroom getting ready for the day I feel little hands tapping at it, pinching it gently, head butting the soft surface and then the mouth comes sneaking in. "Jude No! Don't bite, that hurts me!" His mouth turns into a questioning pout - but I want to mama! Eyes squinting up at me, a standoff between us. Luckily for today a truck distracts until the next time want overwhelms him.

What other things has he been doing lately? Burrowing under blanket like a rabbit. Making funny faces at us and coming up to pull our faces into whatever shape he wants. Snaking an arm up against my face and his other arm alongside papa's face to push us in together for a kiss (that is the sweetest thing in the world!). Playing with his trucks and farm animals by himself, knowing what he wants to do and figuring out how they all work. Reading reading reading and reading (this boy loves his books! We could read for hours each day without getting bored). Robert Munsch and Little Critter and Franklin mixed in with our bedtime favorites Time for Bed and Winken Blinken and Nod. He knows when those come out, the last two stories before bath, his head snuggled back into my arms as familiar words wash over his tired head.

I love bedtime. To hold him as he falls into sleep, complete openness and vulnerability. His face relaxes and tired eyes fight for one last look, his arm wrapped around my neck breath slowing into slumber. When the last vestiges of energy have faded and his mouth sits partly open breathing heavily. I could hold him in sleep for hours, watching.

We made a snow table.... hours of fun

Flannel lingerie

2011-01-22T23:22:00.001-06:00

I had the best idea today! Went to Ce Soir lingerie to pick up my altered bras (lovely having to pay over 100$ per bra and still needing alterations!) with my mom. She enticed me to browsing after we found the discount rack with some bras for twenty, leading to rows of valentine's day lingerie. This is pretty and oh, how nice as she lifted silky tops and lacy slips. I said walking out to the car I know nobody who wears lingerie in a long term relationship. That and the winnipeg climate, she reminded me. And I suddenly knew - how cool would flannel lingerie be? A hot corset, boned but with cozy flannel. Over the knee knitted socks. I think we desperately need a line for cold weather sexy. If I sewed and could make them, I'd totally be starting that. One of the too many ideas I have.

I was at Ten Spa at the Fort Garry Hotel for a spa and yoga package with my maman and sisters this weekend! What a restorative, relaxing, rejuvenating, much deserved escape from our usual days. We had two beautiful adjoining rooms, the blue room and the pink room. The first time I'd stayed there although I remembered the ballroom and the club rooms during our wanderings. What a gem of old doors and curtains, chandeliers and soft easy chairs, winding back stairs chilled servant access from days back. I looked over the Via station to the Provencher bridge and the Red River while upstairs, our windows facing mostly brick. Content to keep the blinds closed anyway and forget our winnipeg existence, a separate world from the world outside. We did yoga after checkin and again in the morning in a too cold Club room, changed into our pestemals and robes for an evening hamam at Ten Spa. Hot steam and salt, cool water against heated marble and tiles, in the dark star studded room, continual water relaxation. Between the yoga and hamman, starting off with mint tea ending with a yogurt cucumber drink to rebalance you, I feel very detoxified. And we ate a late supper in the Palm room while my mom and I finished a bottle of wine and we all fiercely debated the saxophone's players age (the younger the guesser, the older they thought he was and vice versa). Then a late brunch this morning in a sunshine filled Broadway room, with fresh omeletters and eggs benedict made to order, my favorite real potato hash (I have strict requirements for hash browns!), croissants and oj and two cups of coffee (a rarity in my world). Such a lovely weekend with such a great group of ladies!

I needed to catch up with them all, too many things happening in our lives and too little time to connect. Breakups and new jobs and a pregnancy! Leona is beginning to show at seventeen weeks and I was totally excited when she shared her potential name with us yesterday. Not sure if she's sharing with the world so we'll leave it at super cute! A little baby belly and a new life working to join us soon. She also has a meeting this week with a midwife so send positive thoughts her way that hopefully it will be a good match and she'll be able to plan the birth, as much as you can, the way she wants it. I remember it clearly now that she's going through it... the thicker hair, the frustration at not being able to sauna or use heat, the excitement of kicks and growing a life inside of you. And so much yet to come. How rarely us girls get together without others around to focus on each other and reconnect. It was over too soon and we know the next time (because there will be a next time!) we should plan an entire weekend away. Perhaps the Moosejaw Temple Gardens?

The weather is turning and we have temperatures supposed to rise to minus four. Though I'll never believe the forecast considering we sit at minus twenty six before windchills tonight I'll keep my hopes up for the week. Tomorrow I'll get April her nursing pictures from the shoot we did at the conservatory last weekend and perhaps we'll all get out for a family walk on a nicer day. Let's hope!

A few cute shots and outtakes from our shoot

This Tuesday feels like a Wednesday

2011-01-18T23:01:00.000-06:00

Ran around town all day finishing up all the short errands that pile up during blizzard hibernations, the yard covered in three feet of snow at least. Thinking if I were a kid I'd put on my snow pants, tunnel through the yard making snow angels, building forts. Cheeks reddening brightly while flakes cling to eyelashes and melt on contact. It may not be just the adult part of me that stops from leaping into snowbanks, the -43 temperatures not helping us enjoy these winter days. I've been pushing out to rejoin the world, the retreat from it chosen and forced weighing my feet cast in cement. But we left to visit the lovely Mikaela and Henry who breathed fresh air into our lives (this photo from back in the spring, before the boys were little men running our world)

Hit up the super great Scott Ramos from Berns and Black Salon to refresh my hair and chat ghosts and photography, travels and gifting and how he clones Winnipeggers into his own style (my words, not his!). Spent time at the union executive meeting with some dedicated, activists who tirelessly do the work. Had my third photography class and we showed our pics for the first time. Interesting to see what everyone comes up with, how creative (or not), how when folks shoot what they love it's so apparent in the shot. We missed Jeffrey sitting up front this week, our usual whispered commentary and obvious checking out of the instructor extra spice to help keep awake after we start lagging by breaktime. I realized the first class that these days, I'm usually in pyjamas relaxing in the glow of a computer by 8 most nights, yawning heavily by partway through the our Monday night class. I am in good company though, most of the moms and others copping to tired heads fighting sleep fog descending. I guess we're almost halfway through our eight classes... Have intentions of posting pics from last weeks roadtrip through southern manitoba with Kate getting shots for class but I've worried lately about photo ownership when you post on blogs. I know I won't put my work up on facebook essentially giving them rights to own and sell and use my photos in any way. But here, not sure whether I have protection or should be watermarking stuff... Anyone know?

Busier days for sure and it helps although I work hard to start moving. An object settled in place. The beautiful Amanda who guides us in yoga at Bluemoon started a 30 day photo challenge (see the topics here). I think I might start it, starting the hardest point and then the expectation of needing to keep it up. I might tweak the rules to accommodate what I need, extra time, maybe using pictures I already have? Is that allowed? It is now :)

Starting the hardest point of writing as well.. I opened blogger so many times to let my fingers fly over keys, the words emptying out clearing room behind my heart. But the first sentence didn't pour easily and I couldn't start.

I love this so much... Another project in the wings is a joint music video blog with Chris, since we love checking out new vids and discovering new groups. Too many things waiting for time, and motivation. Photo projects and sewing projects and neverending guilt for not doing enough of them.

I sat alone in Mondragon listening to Anthony Sweet softly croon, catching up on Macleans on ragged comfy chairs, chill from the window not enough to drive me further loving meager sunlight and Winnipeg boots entering briskly for hot vegan soups and hearty eats. I am enjoying this life and stolen moments of self.

this is exactly how I feel

2011-01-11T00:28:00.000-06:00

I just haven't been able to write lately. To sit, and reflect. The very act of living and reconnecting into life requiring any excess energy I have. And the projects on the go these days keep me moving and thinking too much. Caught between a time of slowing down and days of rabid action, I'm loving the connections lately with friends and with family. Add a photo class that is taking me on a journey of admitting to not knowing, fighting against pride that I just want to be good already, knowing my results will disappoint me and the great stuff will come out of practice and learning and failing (that which I am not good at, if you hadn't guessed!). I will work my tail off to take pictures I'm actually proud of and they will be ok. The assignment this week seems HUGE if you want to actually do a decent job of any of the nine different points, most with multiple shots of different subjects to get. During a cold Manitoba winter. I will post my results here, figuring I need to start shooting by Wednesday at least if I want to have time to get them done and printed by class next week.

That and hopefully starting some temp work a couple days a week and a new family membership to the y and starting a thursday night supper club with my sisters and family commitments and playgroups and friends and side projects that never get looked at. No wonder the days aren't enough to contain and decompress and relax into. Oh well, the days are what they are. I need to keep moving and see where it leads. Curiosity for what next brings....

The scales of new years

2011-01-01T21:02:00.001-06:00

I went out to Christel and Joey's social last night, leaving Chris at home still feeling rough after the recent stint with a severe sinus infection. That, and our babysitter for the evening clearly has taken on too much already. Hub's mom,, ever agreeable, is watching his sister's four foster children for two weeks while they vacation in Jamaica, visiting family and enjoying a needed break with their two kids. But what an adjustment for a sixty some widow accustomed to solitude since her adult son moved out and in with me years ago! She would tell me beforehand that having watched them for two days before was easy and she didn't forsee problems with a couple weeks. Before the first twentyfour hours passed she was at the end of niceness and sugary grandma, instead sending them to the basement to get some peace and quiet. I'm sure a rhythm is being reached, she no stranger to watching children alone. Her hubby would spend six months away at a time, working the dew line in the 70s while she single parented their three kids. Add assorted foster and childcare over the years and she is more than qualified. Still, what a change to your lifestyle for such a long time!

So Chris stayed in and I headed out to a Manitoba social. Cold hall with no heat for the first hours we shivered in jackets and stayed far from the door. In true Manitoba fashion we simply stayed bundled, drank more and inhaled plates of chips. Finally the alcohol and the dancing and the food warming you from the inside and I ended the night winning no silent auction prizes, despite sending out my intention to the universe that I really wanted to win something. Oh the Secret, you lied to me... Some awesome prizes included a laptop and printer, a wii, nights away at Falcon Lake, Bijou jewelery, massage and clothing from Voila par/by Andreanne (previously known as MJAnne Couture). I so wanted to win a prize! Alas it was not to be but all money to a good cause anyway. And a good group of VIAs that I don't see outside work often.

But the scales pull down and Jude broke a fever while I was out. Spiking past 104 made dad nervous but he gamely took care while trying to reach me and let me know what was happening. A bath and milk and cuddles, stripping bare layers to cool down, a heated head down by the time mom returned.

And the drunken yahoos who already broke the covering of our tail light last month returned to break the side mirror on our car. Chris found our car unlocked with the trunk popped but nothing taken, and the side mirror broken on the ground. How useless some people are to society. And if I caught whoever did this in the act, it certainly would not be a child appropriate scene.

Last year we entered the year with an amazing trip to the Bahamas.. In fact, I think I probably started blogging almost a year ago now! I was putting my heavy boy down to sleep tonight remembering the morning when my six month old awakened before sunrise. Strapped on my chest slipping down quiet streets, we watched the sun rise over the bay as we mimicked roosters and hens, found goats grazing on the rocky edge, peeked in yards and doorways of Caribbean houses, uniformed children off to class, sun breaking through red clouds which should have fortold of problems weather

Red sky at night, sailor's delight,

Red sky at morning, sailors take warning.

Rouge le soir, bel espoir

Rouge le matin, de la pluie en chemin.

I remember red skies over water on the east coast led to heavy rains that day too. And sure enough, I turned the corner and thought - my those clouds look dark. What a contrast of bright island morning rays with heavy moist clouds hovering. The drops started before we crossed the road and by the time we sheltered in the entryway the rains started in earnest. I remember his face smiling at me, perfectly comfortable with our bag and water bottle, nursing in the warm island air waiting out the storm. No way to reach a ride if I needed to so we waited. Sang songs, rocked and made faces while watching the clouds move through. What a fantastic morning we shared, my son and I. And it's interesting that the moments I remember so clearly I didn't capture photos of... knowing that to pause and photograph would be to step back from experiencing it. The memories are sweetest when salty air brushed you in the face and you remember questioning eyes peering into mine, wide smiles and complete trust. Oh Bahamas, I miss you too.

to usher a new year

2011-01-01T01:50:00.000-06:00

Into another year, another decade.... I found a months worth of photos on the camera that I'd forgotten to put on the computer. Here are some home moments from our December to send us into another month. Tonight Mama dressed up and went out with friends for a Manitoba social in an icebox with no heat. We shivered in jackets until the alcohol warmed our blood and the dance floor kept you moving. A good group of Via and other friends, an early drive home beating the yahoos to the roads. Thanks all for a good time!

over christmas

2010-12-30T20:26:00.000-06:00

So long without writing it all down... some days you drift through every moment melting in your hands, trying to catch the feeling, the stillness. We've had a few moments to breathe, finally.

Pulled into service from standby on the 21st, home on Christmas morn. It was a whirlwind, difficult trip. Constant readjustment everyday, each moment. Oh wait, I'm going on the train. Coffeeshop waitress. That is until a six am knock on the door informed I was working coach instead, my usual preferred job but not where I prepared my head to be. No worries as the busy Christmas coaches brought many travelers heading home for holidays. My passengers stayed up with me all night chatting, which was a blessing after a hardly any sleep night where I found out at six pm that I needed to hit the sack for seven pm and get up at one am. Yes, my service manager is not known for his planning and organizational skills. Marbles rolling aimlessly...

I rose at one am only to help with one busy stop. Exhausted after not nearly enough sleep, headed to bed after quickly picking at a meal and trying to slow down enough to sleep. The dome car full of passengers still having a fun night dwindled as the hours passed until only the diehard all nighters remained. We talked music and school and European race politics and military sympathies, conversation flowing directed by passing thoughts and opinions. Toronto brought chill winds and tired eyes but a gorgeous fifteenth floor hotel room Young Street balcony late afternoon sun fighting buildings and winter heaviness to warm my bed. I couldn't sleep, not nearly enough. Tried laying down but my mind said remember that things will change again tonight. You'll find out your job has changed or your bedtime changed or you need to crash immediately. The wheels creaked as my mind churned relentlessly.

Being at work away from home for Christmas is hard. My first year accepting a Christmas trip and we fought hard to keep a small flame of Christmas spirit alive. I must have expected passengers would be happy to be enjoying a beautiful trip through untouched frozen canadian shield days.. Ontario gifted us heavy hoar frost on every tree the 24th... Each passing window framed postcard as beautiful, not nearly enough time to admire the stillness. But happy entreaties brought hard faces and little interaction. My spirit lagged and I fought to remember Christmas carols and warm alcoholic drinks and snuggles on the couch. The most beautiful twenty month old reminded me too much of home, her toothy grin and crayons tightly gripped in not quite baby hands. How pretty I said and she peered at me, how pretty she parroted, happy to show me she knew. She understood Polish and Romanian and English, her parents were beautiful and intelligent, engaged, open, sweet... They simultaneously saved my sanity and made my core yearn to hold my own miracle child who snakes busy arms around my neck to pull me close. Who tests skin with lips and mouth and finally teeth, a face crumpled in sadness when I cry out. Showing ways to show love. I love you THIS MUCH mama it hurts me from my belly and I have to show you in every way I can.

I am home and have been since a busy Christmas Day. Chris had a birthday yesterday and I made coconut cupcakes. I bought my camera (Canon 60D) and I am so excited to start my class on Monday. I bought a camera bag, returned it, got another bag and am still adding accessories. I worked another standby and luckily got to come home, a Winnipeg winter busride through the ever gorgeous Exchange District. Remembering the pleasure of slow rides home, meandering through skywalks and lobbies, watching always, all things...

solstice welcoming

2010-12-21T01:02:00.001-06:00

Just another night sliding snowy roads half conscious movements. Gorgeous film Black Swan in a surprisingly filled grant park theatre late night monday show. Bathroom chats with lovely friend before our nights diverge. One drifts backwards along remembered roads headlights float ahead, a quiet house a soft light pulling you in. Cold screen to take you from reflection to projection, replacing introspection. A rare moment with self.

Oh solstice how i craved you

Beckoning over empty snowscapes early darkness sadness. The days will lengthen. The sun returns. Celebrate a corner turned during years of winter days fallen away in abysses lost. Dec 21st a relief, a smile in my december always. But when they say the first day of winter? That ticks me off. Really? We've been covered in snow for months, sitting in cold cars scraping ice from windshields pushing pulling digging cars out record snowfall immediate cold. REally? Welcome winter. How fucking depressing. I wish we could remove that winter label, seasons differing everywhere not complying to our listed weather plan. Come on, seasons! If you won't listen perhaps we should stop inaccurately labeling you. Oh wait, that applies to so much...

I pondered a Toronto trip too long and missed out. Standby tomorrow night instead, means having to pack my suitcase again although that was going to be needed soon anyway. Getting packed getting ready to the station four hour shift. Of nothing, or hardly anything. Choice of a cold night coming home sans car with a packed suitcase. Or a last minute pulled into work gone to Toronto. Not a lovely thought, but the trip would be good, home Christmas Day.

I will be missing the lunar eclipse tonight, despite it not having happened on the solstice for 372 years. 1638. What a woman I would have been in 1638. A heretic, a healer an outsider definitely. Depends on where I lived and how wealthy I was. Childbirth in the 1600s... wetnurses and slavery and aristocracy vs intellectual society, invention... A different age. I wonder whether a lunar eclipse would have been noticed by most. Definitely charted and expected by astrologers and philosophers, would it have had any significance or superstitions around it. Now a curious piece of trivia most won't observe. An interesting event though.

And those have been Sarah's musings at one am. Tune in next time to see how I am.

Next Christmas

2010-12-19T21:20:00.000-06:00

I've felt stresses lift away as I let go of Christmas (immediate Christmas, that is). Seeing it as the beginning of our celebrations instead of the culmination of a bitter month's disappointments. And then tonight, while researching a bit about Ukrainian Christmas traditions I found that festivities actually begin on Christmas Eve and end on the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th. Perfect for what I'm planning. A friends and family potluck might be in the cards for the ones who aren't tapped out. Some holiday baking.

It may seem random to choose Little Christmas to celebrate this year. But I spent growing up years in Dauphin with forty percent of the population claiming Ukrainian roots. Ukrainian immersion elementary stood among the french immersion, english and christian schools. Ukrainian dance and schoolmates claiming extra days off after winter holidays. I grew up seeing that other celebration from afar. I loved Christmas strongly, fiercely. Laying in a dark room under the tree watching string lights reflecting off dark windows. Mind wandering dreaming wondering. I played carols on the piano starting in November til my mom asked "could you please play something else?" We watched classics and read books and made crafts and immersed in Christmassy cheer, learning songs and dance moves for school concerts.

Funny how we get here... our home lives growing up lives so different. You wonder how you never know everything about a person, their inner selves and experiences that led them there. We reach to relate on other things forgetting we are strangers.

So this year, we will have our own Ukrainian, or Little Christmas, or Women's Christmas. We will not have a good Christmas in 2010. But in 2011, we'll get two Christmasses! Start and end the year with Christmas what could be more magical. Should be fun.

genius, i know

2010-12-18T23:54:00.001-06:00

So it's not as though I already have way too many things crowding my plate... So much so that after emerging on the other side of the worst sickness you could possibly imagine, which robbed us of nearly an entire month, I recently had the genius idea to forget about Christmas this year. Oh, we'll go to the planned family get-togethers Christmas Eve and Day. But otherwise, the baking and music and gingerbread competition and all the stuff I love about the holiday, giving cards and gifts, sharing drinks, laughs with friends, even shopping for the right gifts and celebrating people.... I was feeling stressed knowing there was no way to do everything. Christmas rushed up on us this year and we really missed most of it. The solution? we celebrate Ukrainian Christmas this year instead. It'll give us a chance to check out related events and celebrate the holiday, time to get everything ready, immersion into another culture... Already looking forward to finding recipes, crafts and events to make our week celebration complete!

So everything has been pushed back. Not to mention I may take a trip on the rails for the extra cash if they call... makes everything quite busy. Busy is good though. Busy keeps moving, busy changes scenery, busy helps.

I've been thinking about why it's so hard to accept help. It relates to what the circumstances are. When Jude was born or when he was hospitalized, I recognized we needed help and had no problem receiving it, even asking feeling completely justified, a situation all could see required extra hands and hearts. But there seems some shame involved in getting help when you feel overwhelmed and can't pin the problem. Lack of understanding, lack of logical reason to back up your inabilities... And the funny thing is that I have no problem offering and giving every support to my loves when they need it. Nor do I judge them for it. But something about getting hands committed to us during regular times, when it just feels like too much on the plate. I felt really touched by the number of people who truly offered help and love when I posted yesterday I was sick of being a mother. Understandings of exactly how normal those feelings are and that I don't love my son any less... the trials of this month too much without a break.

A final disappointment was the cancellation (ok, postponement! but it felt as bad) of our girls spa night at the Fort Garry with my mom and sisters. Didn't want to risk getting the sisters sick and had to cancel with 48hours... I cried through disappointment. But I cut my hair again, and got my nails done with my gorgeous sister Mimi during a night off courtesy of my amazing friend April, and chatted with Celindy and Jason and Alex while watching Corydon traffic meander by their sunroom cuddled under blankets open windows, and joined throngs of not often Osborne shoppers on a Christmas Saturday, and have plans to see Black Swan with Nicole hopefully this week. Oh pack my plate full of people and experiences that make me smile!

Pick your feet up and move another day. Stop. Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile even though they look away (i always wondered why, although i do both ends). Also why do people not want to talk to you in line? In other cities people are starved for contact. Here we huddle in our established groups too comfortable to reach out and be hungry. Be hungry.

These pictures are from 2009 taken by our talented friend, photographer and jewelery designer Christel Lanthier.

not for prudish eyes

2010-12-15T21:19:00.000-06:00

I spent a couple nights ago browsing The Bloggess' sex column which resulted in me posting all sorts of weird links to Facebook, including gingerbread ovaries and craigslist ads for mutual jerking partners, no gays need apply. My absolute favorite the guy who wanted to redo Michael Jackson's Beat It says "we will basically play Beat It over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting". Oh boy... at least there's of internet to keep me entertained with when stuck at home.

But this absolutely blew me away. It's gorgeous and strange, an Amauta Lab short film porn of a blind woman in the woods and a lumberjack. And the actors wear full body knitted suits so they look like living dolls. It's completely bizarre but so well done, I just kept wondering who thought up this idea and sold it to their friends, built a soundstage, found actors and lighting and did the work to make this crazy plushie porn so good! You can learn more about them here.

Five am found me crying on the bathroom floor getting sick. I can't even believe how terrible this month has been. Three entire weeks of being sick or caring for sick people, no relief in sight. Brought Jude to visit his Grandma last night so Chris and I could finally finish Christmas shopping, last minute at a mall I don't enjoy frequenting... No way around it having left it too long to hit the independent craft sales and such. And a passing of germs, hers to us and vice versa, our respective illnesses NOW known to be different, since we both were sent back to being sick sick sick. And a cancellation for our girls getaway this Friday. December blows hard this year. Let's just skip over the rest of the month and move on already.

I am working hard every day to keep moving stay positive know there is an end even if the road seems endless. These walls contain us marinated in sick of home.

As I write this Samara is getting naked in my upstairs loft for her Christmas Cherrystems set :) A party with Bing Crosby and drinks and Christmas trees and nudity. My self-imposed exile on the main floor internet glow sipping water determined to stop from pulling anyone else down this rabbit hole of illness. Can't wait to see the pics though!!!

I am shunned

2010-12-13T09:48:00.000-06:00

Well, not me exactly. A part of me. What a sad feeling to have him turn away from the breast and look his nose down at me derisively "I don't WANT that". I hope this byproduct of sore tummy and sore mouth turns around soon because to say goodbye to our nursing relationship would be sad.... I know it will be sad whenever it leaves, that you are never really ready to stop holding and cuddling and staring into his eyes so many times a day. Never ready to kiss goodbye pudgy hands exploring my lips, mouth, face while filling his belly. Noses an especially large fascination - a finger stretched to touch Mama's nose, Jude's nose, Mama's nose, Jude's nose.

Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.

**

In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.

What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...

I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)

my house does not smell nice

2010-12-10T19:16:00.000-06:00

Oh sick, when will you leave us?

When you arrived on our doorstep in time for my birthday celebration, i knew you were overdue, grimaced and bore it. You dallied between coughs and sleeplessness and aches and sore tummies. You gave us days of reprieve where things seemed to be improving only to throw us back on the mat after one bad night. It's honestly been two and a half weeks of slowly slowly fighting our way back to normal with not an inch gained. Just in time for the busiest time of year. How many plans will I end up canceling over the next few weeks?

The babe threw up all day today, on the rug on the couch on himself on the bed on mom on our clothes. And then he blew out his diaper dripping liquid poo all over the same rug (thank goodness we haven't cleaned it recently!) All the more incentive for a massive cleaning after this is over... A hot mess of arms and legs slept fitfully on my chest all day. We watched obscene amounts of television (thank you Netflix) and tried getting liquids into him bit by bit. The vomitfest required three loads of laundry today. Oh joyous day. At least he slept, at least we cuddled and cared for him as best we could, at least when dad called from work he listened and talked more than ever before, at least when putting him to sleep, bare chest to bare chest, I felt him squirming and prepared for another puke only to be surprised by a sleeping laughing babe, pure laughter falling from tired lips dreaming of happy days. At least he sleeps knowing mama watches and a whimper brings me to his side. I love you my babe.

winter wonderland (partial nudity warning!)

2010-12-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

A new set for Cherrystems! I had a blast shooting with Darren from Solalta Photo. Although after coming up with the idea on a warm Monday night walk around residential Corydon, blasting Radiohead while watching headlights and houselights feet striding snowy sidewalks, I had some serious reconsiderations... The temperature dropped and I bussed frozen streets icy breath fogging heavy air. It was cold, cold COLD and I wondered what the hell I was thinking going outside for a nude winter shoot. I worried until the morning of and was still undecided as to whether we'd go ahead. And luckily, a BEAUTIFUL day. Drove out to a deserted Labarrier Park, quickly stripped and together we got a great set. Which goes up Friday Dec 10th on Cherrystems.com. Hope everyone enjoys a little cold weather Winnipeg nudity!

money. and photos. and cold. oh my

2010-12-02T12:56:00.000-06:00

oh my, so much accomplished yesterday. We finally (no use putting it off anymore with layoff here and soon to be no proof to the bank of employment) changed our bank loan to cover all the crap we've been accumulating on the credit card, pay off my student loan and have a little left over for photography fun. It means another few years of paying off debt instead of being finished next Christmas like we'd planned... but either way, it was necessary. The accident last fall was a blow to our financial plans... new car, weeks without work, Chris losing his job due to the dick running Fentons (please continue to support our boycott of any Fentons establishments at the Forks - it makes a HUGE difference and his business has certainly suffered due to it. If you're unfamiliar with the story, I'll fill you in... perhaps another blog to remind all...). The upside was we spent ample time together as a family, learning how to work with each other and spending that important first year bonding. But financially... not the best.

So the new plan is to consolidate all debts in one place... conveniently lowering payments at layoff time. Yay! I really only had another 16 months left to pay on my student loan and initially kept it up for the low interest rate and income tax rebate on interest. Now, considering my interest is only about 10$ a month, it doesn't amount to much. So this morning, one lump sum payment and NO MORE STUDENT LOAN!!! :) Excited all by myself in the living room.

And. AND! I signed up for the PrairieView photography 1 course I've been wanting to take for years! It means rushed plans to buy a camera before Jan 3. Evenings learning all the stuff I've tried to soak in from books and on my own, to no avail. Hopefully the classroom setting/asking questions/practice will help. Having a friend along for the ride will be fun too ;)

A crazy day yesterday... playgroups and visits and bank appointments and pickups and lunch with hubby. I was exhausted from the beginning but somehow managed to enjoy myself through everything. The cutest babe in the world contentedly nursing and showing off his new moves after an afternoon away... Sweet.

This face...

Checking out Kristy's phone

I wonder who took a bite out of this chocolate bar.... through the wrapper ;)

This is what my bag looks like these days

The best last three letters left in a game of Scrabble

Helping Dad cook in the kitchen

This face... warm body pressed to mine... happiness

terror at 567

2010-11-27T21:02:00.000-06:00

He became an overnight terror. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Suddenly, all the things he's successfully ignored for months become beacons in a boring indoor cave, he literally runs from area to area causing destruction and constant watchfulness. I let him be pretty independent but now I find needing to check in each minute he's quietly out of my sight. I couldn't leave it for more. How many times I found myself calling out "Jude? Jude?? What are you doing?" from the kitchen. Honestly, probably every minute I didn't hear from him.

This morning he tore more pieces out of the speaker. And for the first time deliberately disobeyed a strong order from me... Oh sure, he's played around before and cheekily tried to get away. But he knows the tone and will usually complain while stopping... Not today's reality. No way. He's got his mind into doing certain things and won't be deterred. Least of all by me!

We did have a lovely day again, lots of errands got done after finally getting the car back. It runs beautifully. But I have to go back since they didn't leave the keys in the glovebox as promised so I'm down to one set of keys. And it's not close!

Chris broke the shovel. I guess that's what happens when you take a few day break from shoveling while others break backs out nightly. It seems to have snowed every day since thursday... We are loving watching the plows and other equipment work the streets and lane. Loud protests each time one moves on. Emotions run high in this household lately. Sick plus cooped up multiplied by toddlerhood... Soon this stage will have passed and I'll remember the days when he watched movies naked cuddled up to dad, then mom, topped with a latenight dance party before crashing out.

I love how the streetlights glow off winter lawns... daylight snow glare makes me want Inuit sun goggles... not sure how I'd fit those over my regular glasses though. I found these great inspired frames at Ijaak Sungoggles

Have I mentioned what I want more than anything? Yes, a Hudson Bay wool jacket. A vintage in good condition would be a nice find but I'd buy new if the style worked. Ultimate winnipeg prairie look. Five months of winter means a good cold weather wardrobe!

Alright, enough drooling... My next purchases are going to be a camera (EEEeeee! Finally!!!) and hopefully a laptop too. I CAN'T WAIT! Til another time.

S

it was my birthday

2010-11-25T13:53:00.001-06:00

Yesterday. 28 years of living, learning, growing, backtracking, failing, falling, trudging, repeat. The cycle goes on, some day highs of joy and contentment and happiness, others plunging to not understood lows. That goes for mood. For temperature. For successes and failures and creativity and the push to actually do something. As you can tell, it was a weird day for me yesterday.

I woke up feeling sad. And sick. Also tired and a little miserable. But it was my birthday. And Chris went to work in the afternoon and I made chicken and coconut rice for the potluck and Jude was sick and miserable as well and he whined at my legs most of the day. Although these sort of sick days also result in a pale red-cheeked baby willing to cuddle for hours while watching videos. Which we do more and more of these cold stuck inside snowing for the last five days. Pyjamas until noon, or more often after naps which could end between one and three (sick routines are not so easy to follow). And it's cold by our giant picture window that we haven't sealed with plastic yet so I crank the heat and leave blankets around everywhere making plans to knit and quilt and buy more from goodwill. Jude wore his slippers for the very FIRST time since he was able to remove items from his feet. At least the cold living room is good for something. But we haven't yet added silicone caulking (yes, that's the plan) to the bottom of the felted wool for grip so he went sliding everytime he hit the linoleum or wood floors in the rest of the house. 1903. This is a cold house.

We had everyone over for a potluck last night. Everyone being all my brothers and sisters and parents who lovingly braved ridiculous roads and traffic to come celebrate in my cozy house. And how lovely that I didn't have to leave the house myself. It was the perfect way to enjoy the snowstorm... I haven't left the house since Monday I think. So far we have everything we need :)

And despite my morning funk and initial frustration at feeling so crummy on my birthday, it turned out perfectly that it was my birthday. All the messages and videos people sent me, all the phone calls and dropins (although I did feel crazy for a while) helped move the day, wine helped, chocolate almonds/blueberries/cherries from Sugar Mountain helped, a cuddly nursing boy helped (and hindered too although always very cutely). It was a busy day and today I have two people dropping in to see us, while tomorrow brings a full day of CAW EI workshop. Then an evening special yoga night for women at Blue Moon Wellness with the fantastic Amanda. I am SO looking forward to "an extension of the vrat (resolution) rituals for women in ancient, medieval, and current day India". And then maybe on Saturday we can actually get the car back.

Things have been busy, since being home. It's a different kind of busy and some days I don't feel like I accomplish a lot, but I still feel really busy.

This was my birthday in pictures.
It snowed. A lot.
Pretending not to be sick and grumpy.
My lovely family.
Jude got bonked on the head and night collapsed into heaving sobs and bedtime.
Chris shoveled. Again.

S.A.D.

2010-11-22T14:00:00.001-06:00

I have been self-medicating and some days are better than others. I realized my usage was going up as the days got shorter and sunlight limited. Sometimes at home, in the day even when my son was around me. It pulled me through afternoons of stay home lethargy and gave me energy and initiative to complete stuff I really didn't want to do. It quells my anxious storm thoughts and allows my true self to emerge - calmer, happier, focused and able to sit quietly and relax, take in the moments.

I realized this was happening because I do examine myself often. Why I make certain decisions. What kind of person I want to be. How I can continue being my actual self in face of the various roles I've adopted - mother, wife, friend, partner, sister daughter inlaw. It's a constant balancing act to be enough of each of these and still retain who I started as and who my real self is. I said it often that my train work saves me from falling into patterns and forgetting myself. Days away interacting with passengers and coworkers without child or family around to position you. Days to reclaim your own identity, your jokes and music and interests, people who don't know you as the awesome mom who bakes and colors and adores being a domestic lady. The hard part is marrying that with the independent part who misses walking alone in the snow, watching people move quietly, stopping, seeing... I miss those things which I don't experience anymore with a child. I experience new things that stop my heart with joy. I constantly feel like I'm not giving enough of myself to him because I cling to my own enjoyments and projects and simply time to myself. I constantly feel like I can't apply enough of myself to any of the projects that are so important to me. And then I have even more ideas but seemingly no time to move on them.

I realized I was self-medicating to slow down. Enjoy. Breathe. And feeling sometimes depressed and often anxious/stressed, it was something I already did and it helped. The alternative I know would be to see a doctor and get prescribed more medication. Which I did take while pregnant but which also travels through breastmilk and not all effects of are known. Or find an alternative treatment to seasonal affective and anxiety. I know this happens, every year. Last year an anomaly in that while steadily breastfeeding and the heavy involvement with a new baby, I didn't feel the effects (softened by love hormones coursing through our household, keeping cozy and warm in the streetlight glow off white yards). But every year past for the last number the lowering of depression, the curtain started to strain my relationships my ability to handle the busyness. So it's expected. And so far, this seems to help.

We discussed it, Chris and I. So that he knew I was aware that my usage went up, so he could also watch and tell me if he notices any negative effects. Thus far things have worked. Staying in mostly to avoid the cold and winter roads (we could use visitors! if anyone wants to come play in our newly reclaimed upstairs and stay cozy with us). And many things still to keep busy with.... So perhaps these next months will go by smoothly and the worst hump will be over. It really blows that it coincides with Christmas because I've always enjoyed the season... I just need to remember what I like about it (cider with cinnamon sticks, tobogganning and carols, warm nights in with friends and perhaps a couple nights out!) and avoid the rest. The tree is up although not straightened out yet (yes, one year we will cut down our own but for now we have a mammoth's Michaels tree setup in the suite upstairs). The carpet is gone and wood floors underneath although we'll be looking for a new area rug. Something nice, woven. And while there's more work to do we take minutes to sit and enjoy each other. Make treats and watch Polar Express in pjs on a cold november night.

This is us. I'm doing ok :)

a quiet smile

2010-11-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

Things have been good... My piano concert went off really well, I thought. Of course I slipped and to me it was obvious but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It went quickly! For that I wasn't prepared. Once I got started the pieces flew under my fingers. It was all I could do to slow down and enjoy each one fully. My set list was

1) Lines of Desire - Tarik O’Regan

2) Lacrymosa - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

3) Glassworks - Philip Glass

4) The Heart Asks Pleasure First - Michael Nyman

5) Hush - Craig Armstrong

6) Gnossienne no. 3 - Eric Satie

7) Sur le fils (Amélie) - Yann Tiersen
⋞ Intermission (10 mins) ⋟

8) (You make me feel like) A Natural Woman - Carol King
with Celindy Oige ~ vocals and guitar

9) Moving Ground - James Whitburn

10) Winter (3rd Movement) - Antonio Vivaldi

11) Jewish Town (Schindler’s List) - John Williams

12) Elegy - Chris Craker

13) Big My Secret - Michael Nyman

14) The Quiet Room - Debbie Wiseman

15) Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven

And we came home to a quiet house. Jude on an overnight visit to Nanny's house, I kept finding myself quietly sneaking down the hall so not to wake him. Although we came home slowly down powdered pembina roads feeling dead tired from the hours weeks months of prep, we still stayed up til two. Collapsing into a baby-free bed for the night (so restful!) waking to a snowed walk down corydon and breads and circuses breakfast.

Today I did nothing. Nothing. I rested, I played, I read, I watched a movie... we dined on KD and weiners... watched Thomas and Rolie Polie Olie on youtube. Chris got to enjoy the best part of going away - reuniting, his happy giddyness at having mom and dad at home palpable. His kisses and hugs, huge mischievous grins... His smiles these days are delicious and sneaky, knowing, tugging at the emotional manipulations "hey, if I do that do they always react the same? Can I get out of it with a giggle and dogged determination?" It's hilarious and often exhausting to keep up - but this is the exhaustion I love, the sweaty blond head stopping to rest at my breast, snuggled into mom's warmth, breathing heavily. What a great decision we made when we decided to have a child. What an amazing, lovely child we have. I'm in love.

A few things I've really enjoyed lately:

Winter's Bone - I wanted to see this film when it came out and is a powerful, intense storyline beautifully shot. Slow moving at times but completely absorbing. That link brings you to the streamed movie, if you want to read more about it go read the CBC writeup here.

These Roving Eyes continues to rescue me from the no time toddlerhood days with music lists to download that feature usual treats (Sia, Owen Pallet, Fiona Apple, Cat Power, Tegan and Sara, Caribou) and introducing me to new faves (Gentleman Reg, Antony and the Johnsons, Gonzales, Perro). Plus he may be my favorite Toronto man... you'll see why.

How women can participate in Movember kept me laughing the last few days when I needed a quick pick me up. Unfortunately Chris only decided to participate when the month was more than half over. How large does the moustache need to be to count?

Take a look at how lovely my days have been:

early one tuesday morn..

2010-11-16T09:15:00.000-06:00

Things are coming together! I was so excited to set up my sewing machine and have a space to keep all my crafting stuff! Yarn, fabrics, paper and assorted crafting supplies... My upstairs closet looks amazing! Now all I need is the time to start working on my quilt, finishing up random knitting projects and start whatever else comes to mind. But I have space!

When we moved into this house Chris quickly claimed the basement as his own. He set up a table for his artwork and another to lay out all his toys and model train stuff. Being that I don't really enjoy sitting in a cold, damp, dark basement, I was perfectly happy to let him take it over. And before baby it was fine to pull out a box of crafting stuff although the prep did sometimes drain me of energy for the project. But since Jude's been motoring around I felt progressively squished. There was no room for me to do anything! Now I have a space of my own and I CAN'T WAIT to get in there and accomplish something again!!

In other news, the concert is coming fast and furious. Three more days to finish the assorted preparations, complete desserts and practice practice practice! The positive stuff? I learned Moonlight Sonata in one week after not practicing it at all during the past four months! Not so good is that I decided to switch one of my pieces.... on Sunday night. And am still not totally decided on which piece I'll use instead. And I have to learn it in time... Yikes! I think it'll be such a fun night though. Can't wait to get together with all the people I love and have a lovely evening :)

Had to deal with some friends and family secret drama that seems to have turned out ok. Finally! It's so much better to have things out in the open and move forward. And I've been able to sneak away to yoga while Chris takes Jude to playgroup. Sanity saver! There is still way more left on my to-do list but for now we focus on the concert. Next week I can deal with everything else.

Halloween night - via uniform and thing 2

Relaxing with my love

Bathtime antics

Merrily we roll along...

when does it stop?

2010-11-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

The merry go round broke down...

Well, I'm not really broken yet, more cracked and fighting to keep momentum. This time of year has always been difficult for me. I lose patience with family drama and yearn to retreat into myself. Lacking energy to deal with other people and their issues. Working hard to fulfill my own goals and feeling critical of everything. I mean it, everything. It's a time where I feel listless. Although I'm moving just as quickly to finish everything on my plate, that excitement and appeal isn't there. A few months to just plod along until things pick up.

Sorry to be returning to blogland with yet another lament as to how thin I feel stretched and how I continue to pile more on my already overwhelmed plate. Let's bake all the desserts for my piano concert? Sure! Photo shoot this week? Why not! Handywoman assistant to my 8months pregnant, hard core nesting friend? What kind of friend would I be?

Chris and I have been having a lot of great conversations lately. Today we talked about the requirements of being a good friend. When a friend is in need, it usually doesn't happen at a convenient or easy time. And although you can always refuse, a good friend shows up to lend a hand, comes over with soup when you're sick, knows that silence isn't a bad thing. But being a good friend really boils down to showing up. I know I want to teach Jude that it's important to do for others but also how to be a supportive, caring long time friend. I've always thought I treat my friends the way I would like to be treated. If it comes back great! I have received so much love and support over the years...

Things here are wild as usual. Layoff has happened, I'm done for the winter and hurriedly rushing through my to do list. One week til the concert and much practicing has to happen, desserts are partially completed but still lots of planning and setup to complete. It WILL be fun, I keep reminding myself. But for sure I am totally stressed and nervous about screwing up, being stressed the entire evening and not enjoying myself, etc... I wish all the preparations were done and we were just there already! Before I know it....

Haven't had time at all to work on my winter photography project but that should start ramping up soon. After Brent moved out, we've been hurriedly painting trim and cleaning up the upstairs so we can take over the space. I, of course, want this done as quickly as possible so I can have more space for Jude to run around and craft in, not to mention putting up the christmas tree. And I have a birthday coming up in two weeks and nothing to do! Ideas?

Every. single. year. at this time I decided that I don't want to be here for Christmas, the running around and stress not outweighed by my love of carols and hot chocolate and toboganning. Every. Single. Year. I decide that one year, we'll run away to Jamaica for two weeks and spend the holiday listen to island Christmas carols sipping boozy drinks enjoying the sunshine and ignoring the mess at home. I know, I love christmas but the excess and busyness and my frustration with people always overtake the things I love.

Alright, enough depressing musings for one night. On to the next writing exercise

To Do

2010-11-05T22:28:00.001-05:00

Paint trim in upstairs room

Clean, clear out carpet, get rid of kitchen stuff

Type and print programs

Photocopy music for concert

Seating arrangements, desserts, supplies needed

Follow up on RSVPs
Practice

Find pt work

Get frozen carrots out of the garden FINALLY!

Make appointment for car

Make massage appointment

Start yoga

Enjoy being at home, laid off and able to focus on everything else

love you forever

2010-10-31T12:40:00.000-05:00

Everyone I know knows the book Love You Forever. We've all read it as a child and it's the mandatory gift at baby showers. Luckily we only received one copy so we didn't have to run around returning multiples. Before Jude was a month old I had read it to him and sung the song:
I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be

A couple trips ago I worked the diner for the first time since coming back from mat leave. The first time he entered the dining car I stopped what I was doing and watched, tears hanging back heart swelling. He was tall, fit, in his fifties. Standing behind his mother arms outstretched, supporting her as she inched her way to the table. The trip was a delight, weeks across Canada exploration time together. I can only imagine how hard every movement was, seeing many seniors struggling to get into bed, use the tiny washrooms, even just walk on a moving train heavy doors unusual movement. But she smiled every time I saw her and was the sweetest thing. And every meal he accompanied her, smiling and chatting with each person he saw, clearly enjoying her company and never showing any frustrations at the tiresome pace every single thing took.

She was ninety. Mary and Myles from Maryland (tongue twister much!). The late, accidental baby. The best one, he bragged. I asked whether they knew the book and they didn't. But I had to describe it (poorly) to explain how much my heart burst watching the two of them. What love. Over ages. He doted on her and clearly enjoyed their moments together. I can only wish for half of that relationship when my children are grown!

Last night I read Love You Forever quietly to Jude as he half listened half watched bedtime sesame street. Too long of a book at this age for him to sit through. But the lull of my voice in his ear, the gentle images and cuddles we can take. How different my life was before he came. How much quieter and lazier and sometimes boring. Now, it's never boring, always busy always too much. But cuddles. A head turned for an open kiss. Copy cat sounds. Naked bum shaking in the living room. My heart bursts with love. Amazing how love can only build until you feel you can't take anymore and somehow the heart makes room for more.

a bunch of totally random unrelated things

2010-10-22T23:08:00.001-05:00

As I said up there, totally unrelated clips of Sarah's life coming up.

Tomorrow I leave on a dreaded Vancouver trip. Lucky to have worked almost all Toronto this year, this being only the second long trip west this season. Perhaps my last trip, perhaps one more. Even Chris asking "So? Layoffs happening yet?" when the answer is always we don't know! We never know, this time of year loaded with anticipation, nervous to work lots make more money expecting the hatchet to drop anyday. But oh, how I look forward to those glorious first two weeks off. The first two weeks when you revel in being home everyday and get so much done and aren't bored yet with the stillness. First you run out of projects at home and things to clean (the upside is being in a totally organized and clean space) then you start new endeavors, go to groups, get moving get inspired to do something - it's then that you notice the stillness. The lack of movement where things stay the same. The train keeps me moving but when it stops..

I was so lucky this year, a fantastic crew with Sonny, Jen Faith and Andrea, Steve Mickey Kevin, Jeff and Savo... So many memorable trips especially in the coaches with Claudette or as often working takeout. Memorable passengers, a fantastic summer indeed... I missed two trips off my crew, one from a last minute bookoff the other for the union conference. Each missed trip being the worst of the summer! The first train a sixteen-hour-late arrival into Toronto and eight hours late going home, the second train stopped at Capreol behind a derailment, bussed passengers to and from Toronto crew staying late to receive passengers at all hours. Missed out on the worst trains. Lucky indeed.

Jude is into walking backwards now. And spinning in circles. He leads with a waving hand or a head and rarely runs into things. And he spins equally well in either direction. He'll pause to grin at us and wait for us to laugh before continuing. He dances all the time. A shaking bum or spins or clapping, waving hands and jumping. I should film it before that changes. He loves all kinds of music and you know when he likes something because he'll stop what he's doing, run up to the computer and start spinning or dancing. Such a cutie and a little ham. We read the same book all day as he brings it back over and over. Sometimes immediately after finishing I find the same book insistently pushed into hands. In the middle of reading one book Jude complains No, Night Cars. Can I finish this one first? No, ok. And begin reading again. Luckily we and the library have beautiful books that I don't mind reading twenty times a day.

My photoset is now up on Cherrystems! So totally exciting. I picked Adventuress as model name and now have a great set up. After I finished going through self critically I love the great shots my awesome photographers got. Most of the pictures were done by Christel Lanthier or Sabine Chorley, since Julie returned near the end. And wow! Although the lighting was moody and dark they all made it come through really nicely. Thanks you ladies so much! Now where do I get naked next...

I walked to the park

Then I fell. These new shoes.

I watched big kids play

Now mama READ me a book!

I really don't feel like writing about anything else. I have more, much more and it's crowding my mind but my back hurts from sitting at the computer for too long and I still have another episode of Mad Men to watch before returning to Movie Village. So for tonight that is all. And let me tell you my shitty six year old computer deleted two paragraphs of this blog, parts that didn't save immediately like usual. Lovely evening frustrations but tomorrow I hit the rails.

halifax in photos

2010-10-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

We all went off to halifax, union rail conference. Sat on committee, met and worked with locals across the country. Nice beyond words to have Chris and the babe along. Noontime nursings, naptime cuddling, days of dad and babe exploring maritime streets. Took the train home leisurely, stopping to see grandpa/great-grandpa for an afternoon in montreal. Train days, train views, sleepy boy head in mama's breasts.

expectations

2010-10-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

somedays I don't know what I'm doing. I bury my head to ignore the letters I don't want to see, escape by watching others' lives and covering myself in immediates. immediate needs, immediate cuddles, what shall we eat, let's walk to the park. Beautiful days with birds immediately seen in leafless trees. Eyes always drawn skyward - a helicopter, a flock of birds, the moon now out before we head home from the park, little dark eyes intently focusing on new sights. These days are bittersweet, knowing soon complete darkness will follow from end of days, sunshine fleeting glancing off banks of snow. Snowsuits, car trips to grocery stores, eyes downwards keeping wind and snow at bay.

I don't really know if I like winter. Certainly I expect it and enjoy some of the changes brought. Craving heavy, satisfying fare to weigh down my insides as the rest is already weighted. It brings knits and classic Christmas mixes heavy on Ella, Nat and Frank. Pinot Grigios and sad novels. I was reading Sylvia Plath's journals recently feeling hidden, covert reading into the recesses of other minds, a mind winding giddy excitement to devastating negativity. A mind analyzing and working through self in words. Strange to see another's life in journals. Who would read mine? Who would I want reading mine? I am proud of my life, background and experiences. I wouldn't want anyone else's life. But someone always gets hurt hearing one-sided truths.

Do I really dislike winter living in Winnipeg? I like the shows and plays and gatherings that go on in the darkness to lure us from our cozy nests. I like hot chocolate, sleigh rides, snowmen, long dark evenings curled up in silence reading hours from heavy books. I'm not sure if I actually like winter though. So many preparations, warming cars scraping windows, heavy minutes getting dressed and layered for prairie gusts, tingling toes with never enough warmth in the feet... Fragile frozen glasses fogged at every entrance. Eyes leaking tears quickly frozen on rosy cheeks. Definite mixed feelings.

I have no motivation lately to finish projects. I am freaking out about not being ready in time for my show next month but don't want to sit and practice. Procrastination leads me to keyboards and easy distractions... My knitted sock sits half finished waiting for me to attempt turning the heel. Papers piled set to the side. Lately no one asks what I am doing or if they do I feel they don't actually have any interest in the answer. I am surrounded by people but feeling lonely.

leaves

2010-10-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

This cycle of leaving and coming home again draws to a close. Maybe only one trip left, perhaps two. I am used to the ebb and flow, our family connection stretching to include my absences and delight at returning, discovering home life exactly as I left it. Well, almost exactly. Every time there are new things he learns and discovers. This time I was surprised to find him intent on putting on socks himself. Tiny fingers pulling, trying to figure out how to position his toes in the opening, acrobatic manoeuvrings.

I remember myself when I go. No more scheduling appointments, making meals and ridiculous silliness. I separate from motherness, content socializing and giddy celebration at being alone, wandering alleys bookstores parks, eyes open to beauty and people. When I am on the train, I smoke cigars and drink whiskey. I revel in an entire day open to whatever I choose. I am a traveler, a discoverer, a watchful gaze analyzing, dissecting relationships, people, nature.

What joy to return! Big grins, a soft head of busy boy hair snuggled into mom, eyes closed in happiness at the first nurse. The world drifts away and resets to how it should be. How will this change once I'm at home? I know it will settle into a rhythm, remembering how concerned I was five months ago at the opposite end of readjusting back to work. Now we return and struggle to place ourselves back into the roles we changed months ago.

I've had a lovely summer.. Watching "Rabbit Hole" premiere at the film festival, making friends with the bookstore owner addicted to purchasing, loving, surrounding himself with stacks of books. Chatting up storeowners, locals, finding delicious eateries. The times at home just as sweet.

I spent all my tips on books last trip. And recognized someone in the vast downtown of toronto (a passenger from trips ago but still. exciting familiarity). Picked up the Metropolitan Museum of Art Color Magic Sticker book for only $11. a photography book of black & white fathers with their babies. Eric Carle's 10 Little Ducks (two copies, one for Jude and one as Clark's first birthday gift). The Testament of Gideon Mack for myself. Heavy books loading down my already too large suitcase but smiles all around at opening the new books upon getting home.

Chris and I celebrated our TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY last week!!! We went out over the weekend with my cousin Tanya and her husband Colin, who we always have such fun with. Fondue at the Melting Pot, corn maze ridiculousness included Tanya sneaking us into the Haunted Forest, past paying customers patiently waiting long in line through the exit. Cheesy costumes and a large group of just-18 farm kids completed the fun. Trippyness in the black hole was the best part, the "colon" or newly dubbed "giant vagina" was silly and hardly claustrophobic at all. Capped with a dip in the hot tub and a night sans bebe. Such fun!

I only have a month left before the piano concert. Had a minor freak out upon realizing this on the train. No time, no time for anything. Too many things happening but I will move methodically through them until we emerge on the other side. All is well.

the autumn funks

2010-10-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why I write so much of myself down here. Do I really think myself to be so exciting? Not really. It's cathartic, at times. To send everything out there. I don't really think many people care, or read. But in ways just the writing it down helps.

I used to keep a journal. For years, starting at twelve. Every page another boy's name of the month, my adorations poured out into kitty cat pages. Sad I destroyed my last, teenage journal in a fit of feeling discovered. Then years where I didn't, random thoughts jotted onto scraps thrown in bags, at times refound and stashed alongside other years. One day when I look back...

I started again a few years ago. It seems when working through things, when thoughts collide banging around the clock, the writing pours and figures everything out. I ponder in words. I can't see all the angles and think silently through it all. I often find talking distracting, other people's opinions don't help and sometimes have no one to share with. You could either see I'm self-involved or introspective.. It's just me.

In the last few years I've become very happy being me. Very content. I created a life that I love, my house my things, a love and a family. So many positive things come together and my life is quite fantastic. In ways I couldn't have imagined when I was fifteen.

Piles of positive, happy moments. And still there are times when things just don't sit right. They seem off, the world colored, weighted with negativity. Discomfort. There isn't really a reason that you can discern and you know the good things are still there. And still...

These thoughts pile on and I know it's the time of year where everything is dampened, slowing down for the hibernation. Nothing seems so terrible that I need to start medicating, officially... It's funny how those of you who have been there understand easily and others won't see how.

So I'm journaling again. Writing furiously into evenings, ideas stamped on every page. Rereading, analyzing and organizing my thoughts and life. That's why I write here, although I really expect no one to care. Some days I have to write it down. Sometimes typing is faster than handwriting! I need to.

It's autumn. Gorgeous, hot sunny autumn. But the days are shorter, heavier fall meals began, tuques and layers, sweaters... I love them but they make me sad. These Roving Eyes put up a fall playlist on his blog *dripping with sadness or strings or both*. Already two of my heavy rotation of Sia and Owen Pallet are on the downloadable list along with some new favorites. I moving forwards, sluggishly some days but continuing to slog through towards better days.

* * Started work on the photo exhibit of nursing moms.
* * Piano concert preparations are coming along. Some days I think I sound great while others bring disappointment. Still lots of time to perfect.

It's busy. I start the spareboard in a couple days and trying to make arrangements so when the tenant moves out end of month we can take over the upstairs room. And still make money. Respite?

Nursing Mom Photo Project

2010-10-07T20:59:00.000-05:00

I am starting a photo series this winter about nursing and specifically the reality of nursing moms in the workplace. Not making a specific negative or political point but showing scenes of a nursing, working mom's life.

The idea for this series came as I was in uniform waiting to leave for work on the train, having our customary "last nurse" with my fifteen month old strapped into his car seat and me hurriedly leaning over him while looking out the back window. To create that shot in a beautiful way would document our ritual and reality. I then thought of other realities both positive and negative that are just a part of a nursing mom. Pumping milk in the bathroom during a break. Other times I've always had a room to go to and didn't have the negative feelings associated with actually nursing him in a bathroom, but still. This reality of sitting in the bathroom pumping milk all to continue this feeding connection with my child.

I have a few ideas for shots but would ideally like to create a series showing women's experiences. This is a collaboration more than anything as I will need photographers (I have a few in mind already but let me know if you are willing to lend skills) and models (depending on the scene either moms or more likely momma and child) who would be willing to work on the project this winter.

I also need ideas! If you are or have been a nursing mom in the workplace, send me in your experiences, your ideas... as detailed as possible. Tell me what's important about that moment, what you envision when you remember it, etc...

Thanks for thinking about sharing your insights. I really hope to hear from lots of mamas!

on the road, again

2010-09-28T22:59:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow we leave again. I am away almost more than I am home these days. It's not a bad thing, these days are necessary and finite. At times difficult, sometimes rejuvenating, clarifying... I think my job saves my sanity sometimes. I keep moving, it's always different and changing. When I stood static I yearned, and longed every day to move and observe. I held myself back from running away, stared into clouds of planes jetting to places mundane and exotic, fought my nature to stay and root, connect and form a relationship. I wanted it and the sacrifice was worth it (although necessary? Of that I'm not sure).

Sometimes I meet travelers, nomads from faraway lands moving through landscapes and people and I scramble to connect with the fragments of me who are them.

But I am moving, my landscapes are changing too, I arrive in a new city with anonymity and open eyes, roaming alleys and parks and eats, ready to engage and content to watch. Someone speaks to me each time. Someone ready to engage, happy to find another to create moments, fleeting connections, what if immediate friendships.

Last time I met Rei, a japanese photographer selling images taken in India, raising messages of western indulgence and inability to process relate to utter poverty. Every time someone new. And I see too many actors from Degrassi TNG that I think I must watch too much tv.

The invitations are completed and most are sent out. If you are named Celindy or Christel, or are a sibling, your invitations are safe on my computer desk until I can fit in dropping them off. Don't they look pretty? 5 hours of work later... but hand made and all different is worth it, i think.

We cleaned the yard. The following set of pictures is Jude, within less than a minute.. Hard to get such a busy guy to be still for an instant. That second one is my fave monster pose... He is actually happy, deliriously so.

Tomorrow we leave for Halifax, another whirlwind I must seek out or how could our lives be this full? It's a good full and I'm not quite sure how things have gotten here... but it's good? I think so. I think so.

secrets

2010-09-25T21:43:00.005-05:00

I discovered SecretTweets.com tonight and it's the most fascinating, heartbreaking look into people's secret hearts. Remember the installation PostSecret where people mailed in postcards, homemade, bought or plain with just a secret on it? I saw it at the Winnipeg Art Gallery a few years ago and remember being captivated by the short, static summary of a secret each was carrying around. Some were funny, some insanely serious, but essentially it was such a peekhole into the recesses of their minds...

Secrettweets is a site where people can post a secret to twitter anonymously. Now I am not a fan of Twitter (despite hearing about it ad nauseam and hearing both sides often) but the first page caught me immediately with:

I want to finish work but I don't want to go home as he'll be there to mentally bully me. It would be easier if I didn't love him.

Whoa. Then:

I fear more than anything that my racial thoughts and tendencies will prevent me from being a good teacher.

You asked if I was having an affair with your husband. I lied.

I feel loneliest on the bus home from work as I know an empty apartment awaits me. I often have to choke back the tears.

My husband rarely talks to me. So when he's sleeping I look through his phone, his car & his clothes to see how his day went.

All these thoughts... feelings... secrets that they don't share with anyone. We're all walking around leading secret lives, our outer exposed composure a different face then the one we hide inside, apart from even our loves and closest friends. How sad. You can leave comments too.. Then the seriousness is broken up by

Going in for a vasectomy tomorrow, the doc says "bring an ipod". If there was ever a harder playlist to come up with...

My coworker and I got high together. I cant help but wonder if she wanted to have wild crazy sex with me as much as I wanted with her

I put tabasco in your pie. Thats why it tasted so bad.

It's consuming reading these and addictive. To have such a clear view past the mask and see the true thoughts... How many secrets can you keep before the fractured pieces don't hold together anymore? And the "tweeting rules" of only using so many characters keep things strangely concise.

This tore at my stomach:

This yr I am going to tell u that the reason I cldnt be your maid of honor or in the wedding ws bc your dad raped me 6 six yrs ago.

If you check it out, I'd love to know what you think about it.

colds and flus

2010-09-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

I am coming down with something. Perhaps it's just the beginning and I can catch it early and head it off with ginger and honey and lemon and booze (just kidding. but, not really. a little booze can help with the sore throat.). According to Chatelaine, here are 10 Ways to Stay Flu Free. See if you can spot my problemssssss...

Get the latest vaccine - I have never been vaccinated in my life. I believe in allowing your body to create an immunity by exposure and healthy living, not by introducing an outside virus loaded with preservatives and other nasty stuff in hopes of creating an immunity. So, NO!
Wash your hands - Good one, Chatelaine! I do this often but a reminder is always helpful.
Take Time to Breathe - also good, relating to stress and how when you are stressed it sends your immune system out of whack. Although in the info, they state it "can impair how well your body responds to the vaccine." You've seen my thoughts on that. And who has time to breathe when you're stressed!! AAAHhhh
Stock up on Sanitizers - Well..... I do have a natural sanitizer. Which Chatelaine tells me is basically useless because unless the alcohol content is 1000% (jk) it's useless. And I believe my sanitizer is alcohol-free. So, balls.
Clean Surfaces - like doorknobs. Or, with a toddler, like the entire house from eye-level down. Hmmm, not gonna happen.
Eat Well - true, there has been a lot of bread lately. And premade meals to give me time to get everything else done...
Take Vitamin D - I'm heading to the store today! Definitely lacking.
Sleep Tight - Um, no. We maybe got 4.5 hours last night. Maybe. And then I woke up with a scratchy throat. It's bad when you look forward to going to work because 5 hours on a noisy train is better than home sleep.
Steer clear of coughing coworkers - HEAR THAT? All you sickies, stay home. Oh wait, that's me. And I need the money. So, how about.... you steer clear of me?? sorry.
Walk Every Day - I generally do, and am still sick. Some things you can't avoid.

Today I want to stay in my pjs all day. Doesn't matter that I have to go to the grocery store. I'm gonna be that mom, in her fuzzy pajama bottoms and hair sticking straight up, barking at her kids cuz she's stressed and sick, the one who everyone looks at and thinks "pull it together!" and then quietly looks away. And then, I'm gonna come home and drink cheap red wine still in last night's pajamas and avoid the to-do list which tells me everything that ABSOLUTELY MUST BE DONE RIGHT NOW and pretend like it's ok that I spent naptime taking a bath and reading magazines on the couch. It's ok, right? We're all entitled to days like this, aren't we? Does this mean I should start taking my meds again or am I just in a little stress/sick/busy funk?

the lows...

2010-09-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

How can one day be so high and the next such an awful day? I felt out of sorts all day yesterday and on top of that seem to finally be catching the colds I've (somewhat) avoided until now. Dommage because Jude's cold is finally abating. I know this because yesterday I only wiped his nose periodically instead of the ten thousand times daily we've been running at. Should I stop kissing him now that I'm sick? Is it likely the same strain which he's probably immune to or are we going to have a month of sickness in this household. And we leave for f'n Halifax in just over a week. The PLAN was to be done with colds since both Chris and Jude were sick and I definitely did not want to fly with a sick baby who's ears might kill him the entire time! And I leave for Toronto tomorrow night. And I only have three days at home before leaving for Halifax. And I need to pack everything. So much to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even going to yoga didn't snap me out of my funk. Usually I feel great after yoga and a slow, early morning Sunday class with only three others should have left me stretched, relaxed and happy. Instead I returned to a baby who refused to nap for an hour and twenty minutes, when we were trying to get him down early so we could go to a friend's first birthday party. Instead he fell asleep 40 minutes before the party started. An attempt at waking (which I usually would never consider) was fruitless anyhow and we decided to let him sleep. Missed the party. I grumped around angry and frustrated - at Jude, at Chris, at life. Did my day get better from here?

A BIRD DIED IN MY FUCKING HANDS!!!!!!!!!! How's that for a terrible day? Just like the day before around 4pm a bird flew into our window - I heard it and ran outside to see if we could rescue it. There isn't much we can do, it seems the sun hits the window a certain way at that time of day. Unlike yesterday where we took cute pictures and the bird flew away, this one was not doing well. I held him as he gasped for breath and kept him warm. Then he died. And we buried him. Poor guy.

Then came playing in the yard and dinner, playing in the living room. I was exhausted and sore and just wanted to go to bed. But I had made plans for Marie-Lynn to come over and help me make the invitations for my piano concert. We had been trying for weeks to find a time that worked for us both but this was the deadline - I needed to get the invitations made and sent before I leave town tuesday night. So as much as I was tired I knew I had to push through it and just do it. I put Jude down for another difficult bedtime and came out at 8:30. I worked for two and a half hours and have a total completed count of 11 invites. We need 18. So I still have another couple hours to put in tonight. While Mimi stayed for one hour, completed three invites and left because the boyfriend made plans for them to see a movie. I have to say, I tried really hard not to be ticked off but I failed. I was pretty mad last night. Why? Because I waited for weeks to do this because I knew it would be a big job and when I asked Mims for her help she seemed happy to help. Three invitations out of twenty was not the help I was expecting. I could have started these any other night but I didn't because I thought we were doing it together. I want to say here that Mimi does do a heck of a lot for us. She's our go-to babysitter who comes over often to help out and watch Jude, she's a super great auntie and a great friend too. Last night was not a great night, however. When your boyfriend makes last minute plans (literally, an hour before she was to come over and help) and you already have someone counting on you , TELL HIM YOU CAN'T GO! It's not that difficult.

I have to tell you, yesterday, the entire day, was a shit day. I had to get this out upon waking this morning otherwise I'll carry it around all day. I sure hope today is better.

an autumn day

2010-09-18T21:22:00.000-05:00

(The face when you tell him no...)

I had the most fantastic fall (not fall) day today!! Since technically it's still September 18th and autumn doesn't start for another few days. We've had the misfortune of cold, autumn weather since late August. Weeks of cold rain left us with chill winds and nearly frost every night for the last couple weeks. Such a surprise after the great summer we had, and the expectation that September would be beautiful too... I didn't get nearly as many beach days and weekends at the trailer that I'd expected. I haven't even made it out to the cottage my parents purchased in August! Oh well, you can't foresee the weather.

I have already mourned those lost days of summer - we've had rubber boots and sweaters and scarves and layers on for weeks now. So today, after I got to sleep in (yay!) til 9, Jude and I got ready and headed out to the farmer's market. The cold morning air was just lifting by the time we arrived just after 10. The stands were full of vendors selling gourds, pumpkins, squash, potatoes, beets, preserves, mittens, fall flowers, fresh baking, etc etc. Not knowing whether I would get out again this year we picked up beets, bread, borage honey, crabapple jam, pepper jelly, Manitoba wool slippers for Jude, wooden animals, chicken pot pie, free range veal! (more on that later) and donuts. Mmmm, fresh homemade Hutterite donuts...Yum!

I almost prefer the farmer's market in the fall, I think. During the summer the aisles are jam packed with people, while this time there was room to breathe, shorter lines for everything, the produce and goods were just as delicious... You appreciate having somewhere to go in autumn since your choices are limited, whereas during the summer the multitudes of events going on make it hard to choose. We had lunch: pork buns, fries and juice, dancing in the grass to fiddler's music, chasing dogs and making friends at every turn.

(His favorite thing in the world - reading books!)

I ran into Jenna, the mom who organized a nurse in at Pan Am Pool after she was told by a staff member not to nurse her daughter at the poolside. Jude and I attended the nurse in back in the spring. Her daughter Ocean is the same age but seems a quiet little miss. Quite the difference from my man who was running away in every direction! On my last trip I had the idea of doing a photo spread entitled "Portrait of a Working Mom", finding a photographer to collaborate with me on the two images I already know of, hearing ideas from other moms and staging beautiful shots to illustrate the reality of nursing and nursing in the workplace. Then maybe we could exhibit it somewhere and get some media exposure... A stroke of luck to run into her and exchange information so we can maybe work on this together during the winter! If any of you are interested in participating or have ideas, please let me know.

Anyway, we left around noon and all the fresh air and running around must have just exhausted my man. Although he's been battling a cold this last week and sleep has been elusive, he passed out in the car within minutes and slept through a stop at my parents. Three hour nap! I was so excited for him and also for me to have some time during the day to get things done. After he woke up, we snacked and spent a few minutes with Dad before he left for work. Rescued a bird who flew into our window, who just needed some time and warmth to get his bearings back. Walked the village, shopping and running into friends, played at the park and chased each other around the field. Rosy cheeked and runny nosed we came home to play some more in the yard before a soaking wet bath during which Jude threw cups full of water at me and laughed til he choked. Such a fantastic wonderful happy exciting day. So full of love! I hope your days have been equally joy filled.

piano stuff

2010-09-18T20:40:00.000-05:00

I am getting close to sending out invitations for the concert I'm putting on in November. The last couple months I've had ups and downs, there has been picking the set list, practicing, not liking the second set and changing the list, practicing, doubts, arrangements for piano tuning and guest lists, excitement, more doubts, still waiting for the book I ordered 6 weeks ago to arrive from the UK (luckily I photocopied nearly the entire book from the library in anticipation of this) and so on...

I knew it would involve lots of work to get myself good enough to play in front of an audience. Some pieces are easier than others and there are still a few that will require some intense work to get them up to par. The interesting thing is that my mistakes are more noticeable now that I am better. Chris mentioned that the other night while I went through and did a fantastic job on one of my favorite pieces. I was gloating afterwards and telling myself what a great job I did (positive reinforcement is always the way to go!) and he pointed out that my mistakes were quite obvious. Of course they are! When the whole piece sounded a little shoddy and thrown together, it was easy to gloss over slips. But when the whole piece sounds beautiful, one wrong note or missed note or unexpected pause sounds terribly obvious. At least overall I'm improving and I hope to have most of these corrected before the show. My non-musical friends will likely not notice and my musical ones... will hopefully forgive me!!

All said, I'm super excited to be able to put this on. There's still a fair bit of work to do but it's coming together. Yay!

photoshoots

2010-09-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

I did a shoot! It was exciting, I don't have any photos yet as proof but it was a barrel of fun. As I've mentioned a few times on here, my friend Kate began a website of nude photography called Cherrystems, mostly as a place to show regular people rocking their naked. I was kind of interested from the first time she told me about the site.... two plus years ago! But with life and other things in the way it never came together until now.

When Kate told me to come up with a theme I blanked immediately and wanted to ask her to give me a list of possible themes. I know, totally lame. Why was it so difficult to figure out what I wanted to show about myself? It didn't take long at all for me to go through my interests. Number one - books. Hey, sexy librarian? Perfect! Next I hit up my friends for suggestions of where to shoot and possible setups. Mikaela was fantastic at coming up with ideas and settings. What a creative mind! Before I could start looking for a place to shoot, Kate had already set things up with Kelly from Aqua Books so we could shoot in the upstairs. My good friend Christel Lanthier was on board to photograph from the start and we started arranging things from there. And although things were iffy right until the day before it finally all came together!

I can't wait to show you a *small* piece of the final project although if you would like to see the entire set you'll need to join Cherrystems. It's a worthwhile project to be involved in. A not-for-profit where any profits will be donated to organizations that provide counseling in the areas of self esteem, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, suicide prevention and crisis counseling, STI/AIDS testing, and more. Nudie sites for healthy communities! Yay!

In the end we had a blast. Nicole Pielou from Angles Hair on Lilac did my hair and makeup. Christel, Julie and Sabine shot the set (I know, I was not expecting three photographers either!! Until hours before I though it would be only Christel and I). Things were super relaxed though and they quickly put me at ease. Kelly at Aqua was fantastic about letting us move furniture around, mess up his lawyers periodicals and play around in the upstairs of his store. We drank wine (Dan Aykroyd wine - so tasty, and I love Dan Aykroyd to pieces), sometimes out of a straw for me as to not mess up my lipstick, listened to Robbie Williams, Fiona Apple and the C.R.A.Z.Y. soundtrack, stripped off clothes, strategically positioned books, laughed, had crazy good times.... Thanks to all who were involved and made it a fantastic time! I can't wait to get the shots back and see what we created. Excited!!!

do fun stuff - a cause!

2010-08-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Ever since I started writing my own blog I became somewhat of a lurker on other amazing blogs. There are too many great ones out there that I would end up dedicating all my time to internet lurking so I've limited myself to only regularly reading the ones I love. One of these is Pacing the Panic Room.

I first became acquainted with Ryan and his adorable family through a maternity series he did for his wife Cole. It got some great publicity online as well as through American Apparel. Apart from his incredible photography (a vision! his own! which is refreshing to see) and parallels to my life- his first daughter was born on the same day as Jude and I've enjoyed watching them grow at the same time, hitting milestones within days of each other, hearing of their brand new gardening adventures and family adjustments. Ryan intensely loves his family, his state, his work, and regardless of what he writes about I always leave with something. A new artist to check out, a different perspective, some gorgeous photos to ogle....

One struggle I can't relate to is the work his stepson (Cole's firstborn) has to do. During her pregnancy with Tessa, they finally got a diagnosis for him. Smith Magenis Syndrome, a condition about which very little is known and little support is available for families struggling through it. Being a dreamer he reached big and is trying to do something about it.

There is an album! It is fantastic! Do Fun Stuff is a project involving loads of indie bands that wrote songs and donated their time to create this album of kids music that parents will enjoy too. I'm telling you, I ardently tried not to like it. I bought it, to support Ryan and his family, and I figured I would play it for Jude and he would enjoy it. But I've found myself playing the album repeatedly over the last few days just because I love it and it is so catchy. Try Biscuits (but watch the youtube video because it is the cutest thing in the world - Biscuits Video). Or Always a Blue Sky by Rabbit. Or Nothing. Actually, they are all super good.

Buy this album please! Buy it to support a family doing everything they can to help their son. Buy it for yourself, buy it if you have a friend with kids or if you love indie music. Pass it on! Maybe something great will happen because you decided to spend $10 on a super great album. 100% of the proceeds goes into a grant fund which is available to grad students who choose SMS as their field of choice. It will be used for research into SMS of which there is currently little known.

I've just heard that Ryan will be making this a yearly project and is already at work on volume 2. I can't wait!

Do Fun Stuff Vol 1 is available on ITunes. Or click here Do Fun Stuff and follow the link at the bottom that says buy this album on ITunes.

we had a sale

2010-08-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

We had a sale. A free sale! All winter we piled unwanteds and planned to do a garage sale in the summer. When it came time i didn't really feel like doing it. All the requirements piled on - pricing everything, sitting outside for two whole days while keeping Jude occupied, all to make a negligible amount of money. I still wanted to get rid of everything though.

A free giveaway meant we only needed to sit outside a short time, it could start later in the morning so we had time to get ready, we could collect for a charity and get a donation receipt for taxes... all good things. It was an event i should have photographed but was caught up in the busyness. Neon green signs in the neighborhood, Kijiji ad and Freecycle to get people to come. All worked. We made $75 to donate to Children's Hospital, not bad from just wanting to give stuff away. Chris made an additional fifteen from a guy who bought some foreign coins from him. Who knows whether he was swindled but they were just sitting around anyhow.

So it was a success. Lots of friends stopped by and it was so nice to see them. The only negative the nearly constant rain though the forecast didn't call for rain. I checked all morning - cloudy, high humidity but no showers. But the drizzle continued off and on.

We also gained some new books from friends and neighbors who dropped some off. A nice stack of new titles. Also a juicer! from a neighbor leaving for China monday. A little cleaning and it should work well. Really can't complain, it was a good day with a toddler visiting Nanny and wet muddy shoes and visits.

these days

2010-08-28T00:38:00.000-05:00

these are the days we'll remember

nursing back down to sleep

from evening waking

indignant, heavy warm babe

possessive arm snaked over my neck

he is busy these days and stimulated

rare moments of quiet

he is entirely himself

a bundle of emotions

learning anger, frustration, love

joy and concentration

book love

every day a different title becomes the focus

of repeated readings

of focused attention

of anticipation

discovery. delight. disappointments.

a fourteen month life.

the wedding

2010-08-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

We went to a wedding last weekend. It was beautiful and personal and detailed, an art project as much as an event in which every last item was lovingly picked and arranged and grown. The couple are friends and coworkers of Chris' and although I didn't know them well I felt transported into their world. The best wedding we've attended yet we both said numerous times during the weekend. The ceremony was at Spruce Woods Provincial Park where the bridal party walked across a footbridge to natural outdoor sounds while the groom wore the most amazing hand stitched cabled socks (made by his mother over two months). The vows included "I like you because you're silly and make me laugh" while the guests stood in the grass and cheered.

We then went over to Dusty Mile Outfitters, a campground and ranch, where the guests staying over set up tents and milled around. Although our misadventures included not putting up the fly and being woken in the darkness by rain (not forecast, might I add!!), we had an incredible time. Board games were left out for guests, an area set up outside with thrift store couches, chairs and suitcases full of quilts and blankets... I could go on for ages. Hand made napkins, thrift store china and centerpieces, crockpots full of food, compostable cutlery and a one glass per person rule to reduce waste. Friends and family worked hard to make the dinner and breakfast the following morning as well as set up and tear down everything. What a wonderful time!

Thank you Ciji and Chris for including us in your celebration and congratulations a million times over.

And if you're wondering about the groomsman in the powder blue suit - he was the "worst" man. Smoked throughout the ceremony, shared inappropriate stories and tore up the dance floor. Every wedding should have one, I think.

august days

2010-08-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

These last weeks have been a non stop roller coaster of activity and I've hardly had time to sit nevermind write about it. I desperately want to capture these days so I can look back and remember what our lives were like. We went to Great Woods Music (still in my mind Blues) Fest. Broke from the routine so after bath and pjs and nursing I put Jude in the sling and we went back outside. It took a while for him to relax and understand that things were different but then he went with it. We went back to the pounding music of the festival and within minutes he cuddled down and went to sleep, on the grass, the blues only slightly muffled by the chairs around us. I was certain he would awaken during the fireworks but no! With my son on one side and my dad on the other I lay back and watched the sky explode over us. I have loved fireworks since I was wee... At 11 we went to Montreal during the summer and watched the international fireworks competition that takes place there each summer. We lay under the bridge across from La Ronde on the banks of the Fleuve St-Laurent and watched hours of fireworks displays, each Saturday a different country competing. Last year the display from Winnipeg's ArcAngel Fireworks won! How exciting! When I was 16, no longer living at home but staying with a friend in Osborne Village, Winnipeg hosted the PanAm Games. Every night for two weeks there were fireworks at the Forks and every night for two weeks I walked from our apartment down across the footbridge to take my place and watch. Some nights I brought a group, some nights I was alone but I can't recall missing even a night. Something about fireworks reaches into my heart and brings all the emotions out. I couldn't miss that.

We've visited with friends. At Melissa's last week Jude was more interested in running around the yard discovering new things than playing in the pool. We called him back but he simply lifted his arm and waved bye-bye as he ran off! We've played in parks and at friend's houses and in the yard and in our house. The heat wave finally broke and last time I came home it was so cold it felt like fall. Only a high of 12 degrees for three days!!! We had long pants and shirts on, the air conditioning got turned off and I began preparing for the inevitable return of fall. But not yet! We still have a few weeks to enjoy the heat of summer, the sting of mosquitoes, etc etc etc

Last time I was in Toronto I had a fantastic layover that included lunch at Pi-Tom's with Celindy, watching a Chinese adult student literally frolic in a water pool (where was my camera?!? AGAIN!! I really really have to get on this, it's ridiculous the moments I miss not having one on me) and spent over an hour wandering the city with a Cuban who I had just met. And who thought I was the most amazing person in the world just for being myself. What a great day! I was totally rejuvenated to come back on the train as ASC in charge of 300 coach passengers, including 175 sixteen year-old students. Oh joy. Surprisingly they were great kids and the trip back was infinitely better than the trip going, in which I only had 75 passengers spread amongst three coaches and I spent the entire trip dreading the return and being angry at my crew. Your mindset can really affect so much and I mostly blame myself for having such a crappy, angry trip down.

The newest news? Twofold. I cut my hair, again. Had a bird etched into the side and a sick cut that looks amazing. Once Chris learns to take a better picture of me I will add one! And I'm preparing for my first nude photoshoot with Cherrystems. I decided to theme it books/librarian and we've got the used book store Aqua to let us shoot there. I'm so psyched, doubly so that my good friend Christel has agreed to shoot it and my just as good friend Julie *might* stop by too! It'll be such fun with a good group of girls and it's happening too fast for me to get nervous about it. Too many things yet to get done so I can't start stressing out about it.

Oh, these days will be over too soon and not soon enough. I am anxious for my layoff and to spend all my days at home caring for my boys and working on my own projects. Yet when that happens my smallest boy will be even bigger and I don't want that yet! He brings us books to read him all the time. And he smacks his lips making fish sounds when he's happy, mainly when both mama and papa are around. And he tries to help by sweeping the floor or throwing out the garbage (and also not the garbage) and putting groceries in the cart. And he's so strong today he pushed the entire grocery cart full of groceries by himself!!! Oh my, what an adventure we are having and he is growing so quickly. Til next time.

heat

2010-08-10T22:46:00.000-05:00

I have all these ideas for blogs while I move through my day. Yet when I sit to start writing the ideas dangle out of reach and I can't recall what I planned to say. What a busy and ... i feel like using a word that ends with "aining" (straining, draining, etc) but none of them are quite right. It was just a difficult, long day. Jude has had a rough few days. Apart from discovering a burn on his finger two days ago with mysterious origins, the heat has turned him into a sweaty, moody babe who alternates clinging and crying at me all day. After a rough few days of teething and feeling generally unwell, and with the muggy weather to content with, we had a full slate today.

Chris was an angel getting up with him this morning as I prepared to crawl out of bed exhausted at 6:45. When I woke to a happy baby and pancakes warm in the oven I was so happy for the start of the day. But the heat makes me grumpy. I should be clear - the heavy humid sticky heat that assaults you out the door and makes your skin clammy and wet in minutes affects all of our moods. Chris and I were both drained the day before laying down inside, headaches moving in and both with such little energy. Our only time outside the air conditioned oasis was a welcome change of scenery at Celindy and Jason's, who had us over for chicken pad thai and drinks. Despite Jude terrorizing the cats with excited thumps and inconsolable sobbing when mom went on the porch for a minute without him, we had a great time. Dark rooms, humming fans and air conditioner, stuffed to the brim and lived in. What a difference from all the years I knew Celindy living alone! Now she shares with her man and their female roomate whose creativity overflows in all spaces and the lovers build a literal life of stuff together. It was such a great evening with friends and I was glad to be here enjoying it.

Along Corydon Avenue we ran in to get gelati on the way home. Coconut was the most amazing, non-sweet but perfect confection. Mango was too sweet for the heat (yes, I'm still on about that!). I'm still craving more tonight, perhaps with a mocha or expresso flavour. Mmmmm.

Without going into each event today was a "_____" day. We visited friends and played in the yard thankfully shaded today through the clouds. I finally placed myself in my son's place after getting groceries and telling him not to do things one too many times. I wasn't taking time to explain why I didn't want him doing things and I don't want to become the type of parent I was today. So I stopped unloading groceries, picked him up and apologized to him for how mama was treating him. It's not ok and I need to take time for him within our busy lives. A lesson. I've become good at recognizing the lessons in trying days.

All ended well with books and cuddles, a nurse and a nice sleep... One day I want to write about our nursing journey. That's a topic for another day.

tonight, tonight

2010-08-04T20:55:00.000-05:00

Went outside to bring in the recycling box before putting Jude to bed this evening. This made my entire day: a seven-year-old boy biking on the sidewalk, stopped at the back lane to wait for his dad to catch up. Belting out "DON'T stop beLIEVING, DA da dada DAAA dadaaa da". Oh what good taste in music that child has.

I must start battling the slugs. I have no interest or energy to do so but the scourge has spread from the lettuce into tomatoes and cucumbers and even my massive, hardy zucchini plant is succumbing. With little time to tend to the dirt, I spread coffee grounds along the lettuce and didn't bother picking them off individually to drown them, which google and the collective internet wisdom tells me I should have been doing. Now the disgusting, slimy, hermaphroditic snotbags are taking over my garden. They are everywhere!!! I am not a squeamish person but these things are turning me into a grossed out girl. I do not want to remove them with my bare hands but gloves will be too unwieldy to pick them off without ruining the plants. Should I take Chris up on his offer to do it himself? There must be hundreds out there! I can't leave that all to him...

Boy, things to learn for next year. I'm actually surprised at how well the garden has done this year considering we have no prior knowledge of gardening. I was so excited when leaves and shoots started sprouting up from the seeds I planted. I would go outside just to marvel that we actually grew something! And we've had green beans, zucchinis, peppers and more to show for our efforts. And we learn more for the next year. It's been better than I hoped for. Just goes to show sometimes you need to dive in and try something without knowing what you're doing. The outcome might surprise you.

This was one of my favorite moments of the summer. We went to the park a few weeks ago and I fed Jude pieces of strawberry carefully to stop him from getting juice all over his white shirt. Got home, left him to run around in the yard as I put the stroller and bags inside. I come out to see he's found the strawberry bag, opened it and has the entire gigantic strawberry in his mouth. Sneaky, sneaky.... juice running down sticky fingers and happy hearts.

My younger cousin arrived today from Montreal to spend a couple weeks with our family. Jude is in love already. At the grocery store he had eyes only for her as she zoomed him up and down the aisles and spoke a mixture of french and english. And then we came home and she cleaned up all his toys for me while I fed him dinner. It's official, she's a keeper and I might have to kidnap her.

creativity

2010-08-03T22:37:00.001-05:00

Intense creativity, too many new ideas and nowhere close to enough time in the day to blog about it. The last six weeks I have been overloaded with ideas for projects that may end up consuming me over the next year. First I've decided to put on a recital. Wanting both a chance to perform and a reason to practice pieces to perfection, I thought about putting on an evening at my parent's house. They have a beautiful piano that was bought four years ago and hardly gets played. Although I still play at home from time to time, it usually sits quiet and unused. I thought of inviting family and a few friends for an evening of music then mingling and drinks afterwards... It should be a really great time. However, this means I need to practice at least twice a week intensively in order to hope to be ready to play an hour in front of an audience in four months. At least that is a pleasurable thing to schedule in, although it has been so long since I've prepared to play in public or to be judged. I have this fear of judgment that used to be so evident during the Dauphin Performing Arts Festival when I would compete. Every year I would play in at least 3 categories and maybe even more, and also would do my examination to pass another grade. I love and loved playing piano but these were such stressful times. I would practice for months in preparation and would mount the steps onto the stage in nervousness of making a mistake or losing my focus. Especially since we were expected to memorize our pieces and that was not my forte. I ended up using my book more than a few times usually not feeling able to play without the security of notes in front of me. We were docked marks for using the music but I knew when I oculdn't perform without it.

So this is a major step for me. I've hardly played in public at all over the last ten years. Chris hears me play often and I've played for family and friends who ask. But overall I play for myself, which is great but sometimes I'd like to play seriously and not just play around.

So the practicing has started, I've made a guest list and have an idea of the invitation. It should be a small affair, 20-30 people max and a nice mix of my friends, family and people important to my parents. I'm excited for it but definitely will need to work my butt off to be ready for that. And hopefully lose my nervousness after a couple pieces. I will definitely be asking for quiet while I play.

Apart from that, I have two other major ideas I've thought of an are trying to figure out how to develop. I'm not quite ready to share yet but hopefully in the next few months I'll be working on them too. It's an exciting burst of creativity that I'm experiencing over the last couple months. More thoughts on that later as well. Do I have any cute pictures to share from the past little bit? I realize I've been lax about writing but there haven't been enough hours in a day. Soon, soon...

whirlwind summer days

2010-07-19T21:35:00.000-05:00

This summer has been a whirlwind! So busy trying to squeeze every moment out of my summer. Days at work fulfilling one side of me - I really love my job, something that I forget when I'm not working. It's funny how I always dread going to work. Every single trip, I dread it in the days leading up to leaving. And without fail, as soon as I show up everything is fine and often a lot of fun! Now that I'm past those first few years working the spareboard where I never knew who I'd be working with and I was bottom of the list in picking my job, work is so much easier. I'm not going to get stuck in the crazy dining car with three full sittings for dinner and not enough staff (or staff that's too new to know what they're doing). I don't need to take the busted out sleeping car with three wheelchairs and a ROMA (Romance by Rail) package which adds ten times to my workload. I can choose where I want to be (generally) and if I feel like taking the super slow takeout job and sitting down all day long reading magazines, I will.

Last trip I ended up working ASC in the coaches at the last minute. Although unprepared having not worked the job in nearly three years, it ended up being so much fun. Loved my passengers including the wise-beyond-his-years five year old who sat across from my desk zooming his cars and playing tic-tac-toe. His dad had dressed him in a Pink Floyd tee. Love it! The only downfall is getting only 4-5 hours of sleep per night and not being able to fall asleep during our day in Toronto. I had a good reason though - my boys returned my phonecall just as I was passing out and then I was just too happy to sleep.

Days at home are a whirlwind as well. Laundry is hung on the line to dry, the garden needs watering and weeding and attention to the bounty we are getting (this short layover I made pesto and chocolate zucchini bread, picked lettuce and herbs and went distributing the extras to my friends in the area!). We've filled our days with visits to the farmers market, beach days, playing in the yard letting Jude run around to explore every inch and trying to cram in visits with friends although most days it ends up being a quick run-by enroute to something else. This summer has been everything I hoped it would be. I only wish we were doing all this work around the yard in a house we owned... on one hand we are living here and I want to enjoy every bit that we can. On the other hand, there is a limit to the amount of work you want to put into a house you are renting. When we leave we'll abandon our garden and herb garden that we built as well as the fire pit we put in the first year. Now I was scoping out places in the back yard we could dig up and add rows of strawberry plants next year.... it would be SO good and we definitely have the room.

Tomorrow I leave again - the suitcase is mostly packed and only a few things left to do. Took a family walk to the Banana Boat just before bedtime tonight. This life is good. This life is full, but good.

trto

2010-07-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

sprawling
rows on rows of endless squares and rectangles
fire trucks rushing wailing by
first leisurely sirens howling
from streets away
then urgent
what's happened?
not so far away

other distracting views
cool breeze competing
with humid heat
mugginess settles over
making clothes heavy and not right
strip

rows on rows of unending traffic
moving rectangles
channeled through tall and short rectangles

unending
constant
what does it mean
what is this

romanticized by natives
as a way to
explain or
justify living like this
sheer mass renders the individual
insignificant
one of so many

also freedom
freedom of anonymity
and so many expectations
to just be

it's strange this 14th story balcony
watching a moving
scale model

if I were locked out here no neighbors and unseen
would I drop a note (or many)
down hoping it might be found?

Courtyard Marriott Hotel

Room 1408

I'm stuck on the balcony

PLEASE tell the front desk

likely no one would pick up
distracting hypotheticals

construction loud and
insistant
unending
always Toronto

two boys

2010-07-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

The best thing about being gone is this beautiful dependency that's flowered between my two boys. When mama's away they are a team. His face, his body says it all. It's just me and my dad.

Moi et mon papa contre le monde... They go to playgroup together where Jude pushes the babies around in their cars and walks around distributing toys to all the kids. They visit Nanny and walk to the park. They water the garden, do laundry and keep the house in amazing shape. Oh my boys, I couldn't have imagined a better team. Beyond all expectations of how this back to work would be. For sure there are sleep issues and problems with naps, grumpy days and dads worrying about whether the babe ate enough since he refuses most milk while I'm away. But overall it has been a good experience for all of us.

My loves have grown ever closer to each other. When Jude sees me in the station he smiles so wide it's happiness and pain. We nursed in the crew room this time, a large heavy sleepy warm baby curled against me. Eyes closed, drinking deep breathing in mama's smell. We could stay like this forever...

premier coupe d'cheveux

2010-07-06T00:46:00.002-05:00

On my birthday, i drank out of a straw like a pro on my first try!

The first haircut for the bug today! boy he looks adorable (no pics yet, he wouldn't sit still). I realized yesterday how much he might be sweating under that mop. I only got home Saturday after we had a crazy sudden downpour. On the train it struck hard - the sky darkened suddenly, the air hot and heavy in the vestibules between cars, hanging heavy after a muggy hot night through southern Ontario. Lucked out working floater, running night duties while everyone slept, wandering chatting light duties during the rest.... No specific duties and lots of sleep, comparatively, makes it a good run.

What a good crew it'll be, although not the same friends I could travel with out west. While I adore Maurice and that crew the trip was just too long. Too many days spent in Vancouver on layover not being paid and spending money on meals minimally... not to mention entertainment. Sadly I didn't bring the camera with me on my (potentially only) trip out west this season. I'd love some shots of the great used bookstore in downtown Vcvr with wild piles to the ceiling! The one layover I had out there was fantastic alone time although I missed my boys terribly and was uncomfortable to boot after pumping for days. I wanted to continue breastfeeding so badly while on the road since neither of us seemed ready to wean. Those first few days my boobs could have stopped bullets! Enormous and hard, it seemed hardly a relief to pump. Finally after a few days my milk dropped - things were much easier this last trip and way shorter.

Toronto brought me into a quieter Canada Day city - while I didn't go searching I was in downtown Toronto walking around and didn't see any celebrations at all or really any revelers. The day started oddly after we had a crossing accident near Washago. The guy could easily have lost his life and of course you always fear the worst when the emergency brake gets pulled, and when you hear the engineers confirm they hit a car. Looking for the vehicle, never having it be immediately by my car but going anyway after checking on the passengers in my car, guarding the door... I've done this before, with much worse outcomes (although I've never been right there to see) and this time the guy is wandering about in the road, made it out ok and no one else in the car which is upside down in the ditch near a train crossing. He slowed, or stopped, then decided the train was far enough away he could make a break for it - misjudged our speed as they often do and got hit right on the back end, car bent up, smashed windows no sunroof, must have been wearing a seatbelt or would have been thrown, already crawled out and in shock but essentially alive and likely ok. 'How lucky this guy was' i think. It so easily could have been the end of his life. Reminds me of the car accident and how in the moment you are reacting and don't realize the severity of the situation. This guy is so lucky and I wonder if he'll ever appreciate that.

That made us late after the road flooded with emergency personnel from firefighters and engine to OPP. Who funnily were all told to come to the wrong side of the train (of course we were blocking some roads and in the country). So they all came from the wrong side. After the first two OPP arrived they radioed back to say it was the wrong side but emergency vehicles kept arriving on that side. In the end they all walked over through the train while I guarded the door and steps for safety. Passengers kept wandering through mostly trying to get a peek, everyone curious and slowing down through the vestibule. One man told me to 'Relax' and I nicely but firmly moved him through the doors. And the sexiest OPP was present of whom I would have dearly loved to sneak a photograph. The hat, the sunglasses, the leather vest, the tool belt loaded, the flared hip pants, the knee high boots... ooooh sexy.

We pulled into Toronto 2+ hours late, happy to get some extra hours on the holiday but not what I meant when I wished we'd arrive late. We were returning quickly and the trip passed and was gone. Home to hot heavy air all through southern Ontario during the day lasting to the night. Letting off passengers and canoes in Savant Lake and Red Lake Road during the early morning didn't need a jacket for the muggy night although the bloodsuckers were out in force. Late night cigarette smokers conversations, immediate kinship, second baggage car for the twenty-two canoes and gear in addition to luggage. Crazy train nights and why I love my job. The storm an hour away from Winnipeg came suddenly, the sky darkening FAST the winds and colors outside saturated, i hear the rain on the roof while not seeing anything outside either window for a full minute until the wind shifts slightly and suddenly pounds down the window. This storm is fierce and howling and over quickly but the morning continue to throw rain our way intermittent with calm sun. We wait to see each other, me anxiously searching the station for signs of my two boys or our noticeable dark green Malibu, easily spotted in the parking lot mostly blocked off for the Queen's anticipated visit later that day. Jude seems so big when I see him long legs and limbs hanging out of the small stroller. Smiles, large and tentative, emotions too strong so he turns for a bit not wanting to cuddle but pushing his stroller around. Then we cuddle, I lift him and hold him tight walking through the station showing off my love. I can be exuberant and single-focused on my loves, it's expected after working away from your family for days. Coming home is the best feeling and such a rush of excitement!

It's been hot and muggy here too, cooling off only under rushing storms that have hung around for weeks. The garden is becoming wilder, tomato plants rampant expansion while I look elsewhere. Luckily Kate, my friend and the lovely lady behind Cherrystems, and our friend James have been coming over to help weed and plant extras in our large plot. It's rapidly becoming full although we have room in the herb garden. I nearly don't have time to go harvest all the onions and herbs I should. But it's so lovely to have them around for salads and meals... nothing better than running outside for basil or dill.... LOVE this life.

The poor boy was sweating away under his long mop of hair. Blonde and beginning to curl in the back, his hair brushed forward over his forehead. These last two days his head seemed extra warm in the heat and we can't hide out inside with the air conditioning. I finally decided we needed to give him a haircut. Got the buzzers and managed a Mohawk though not without lots of restraints and distractions. Finally convinced Chris that a Mohawk would be a great look for him - and it lets me keep some of his hair the original, long length. So cute. Hope it helps things cool off for him. The other new thing is temper tantrums: suddenly since I've been gone he cries and arches when he's mad or doesn't want something. I think it must be both acting out from feeling bad about Mom being away and the age he's reached because he has always been such a sweet and happy boy. Still very nice, held the hand and shared his toys (very clearly reached out and offered it to the boy) to a new friend at the kiddie pool today! So sweet. But also this emotional, acting out boy when he doesn't like something, or wants attention. Poor boy, it must be difficult for him and such an adjustment every time I go away and come back. Either way we need to find a way to work through it because it's not fun.

And that was the last six days.

one year

2010-06-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today I am lost in time, swimming in memories...

Let me tell you about how you came into this world, i said today. Last year on this day, you were still in my belly growing big and strong. It was just another regular day although we knew you might join us at any moment. I spent the afternoon at a wedding shower for my cousin Laura and everyone kept commenting about the baby still hanging out in my belly. You see I was five days past my due date and everyone was anxious to meet you. I knew you would come when you were good and ready. My mom, your grandma, had four pregnancies and five children and went a week past her due date with every one! Even when she was carrying twins!

I was so ready to meet you but still nervous about the labour. What would it feel like? I couldn't imagine something that had no relation to anything I had ever done before. So we waited, knowing that soon enough the time would be on us.

I remember coming home that day and taking a nap on the couch for two hours. Something told me "just in case" the baby comes tonight I had better be rested. The night before I had felt contractions for an hour in the evening and then they stopped. So I told your papa maybe tomorrow we would have a baby. Your Aunty Mimi also told me she thought you would come out that night. The rest of the night was uneventful, relaxing and reading. At 11pm I started having contractions again. Tightening and releasing, tightening and releasing... I thought this might be it but decided to wait an hour before calling Kat in case they stopped again.

It was only 45 minutes later that I knew this would not stop and we needed to call Kat NOW! Chris got her on the phone and she packed up and started driving from Dauphin immediately. Then he rested on the couch for a couple hours while Mama worked hard to help you come out. We laid in the bath, resting on the purple ball and breathing hard through each contraction. I was happy it was dark and quiet outside and I remember dreading the sunrise when the world would wake up and intrude upon my quiet cocoon.

Kat arrived around 4am just around when your Dad came in to help out. Everything was calm and quiet in the bathroom and she drifted in quietly, not to disturb the space around me. I tried to eat some cantaloupe that papa cut up for me but I couldn't manage it. My contractions were so hard in my lower back and for hours I needed someone to push HARD on my back every time a contraction came over me. All my worries about sunshine didn't matter since by the time the sun started rising I was too involved in my work to notice.

At 10:30, my water broke in the tub. After a bit I got up to try and move around (not good!) or lay down (also not good!) so I finally ended up in the living room on all fours. I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed for so long I thought you would never come out. Papa supported me while I stood and pushed and held me while I knelt and pushed. I was sure you would never come out and I would push forever. And then, in one moment, your head was out! It was such a relief and I remember saying "what do I do now???" and we waited for the next contraction to come. Minutes later you were out and I was holding you in my arms, purple and slippery and new, looking up into my face with those dark eyes. You latched on right away and began nursing while Kat checked you over and marked your Apgar score. You were beautiful and incredible.

As much as I wanted to cuddle you to bits, mama still had some work to do so after a while papa held you while I worked to get the placenta out. With each (mild) contraction Kat would urge me to push and I would bear down with no success. I was hardly feeling any contractions but was hemorrhaging since the placenta had not come out. You were so quiet cuddled with your papa. We tried this for quite a while until finally we decided to go to the hospital. I was sad since I had tried to avoid going in but I knew the hardest part was over and we had birthed you at home ourselves! So we called an ambulance to come get me as I had lost a fair bit of blood.

Soon the ambulance arrived and many, many young attendants and firefighters piled into our living room. They checked me out and loaded me onto a stretcher. I chose to leave you at home with Kat since I was worried about what would happen to you in the nursery without mama or papa watching over you - and also in the ambulance ride without a car seat! silly mama, already worrying about you. Papa came along to fill out the paperwork and Mama was whisked into a delivery room where the doctors gave me laughing gas and manually removed the placenta that had not detached.

Soon afterwards, Kat and Grandma brought you to the hospital. Your clothes were all too big and you were wearing so many layers even though it was summer! Grandma had bathed you gently and cuddled you while I couldn't. Soon you were nursing again and being checked over by the hospital staff. We had to stay two days in the hospital since I had lost a lot of blood and they needed to make sure I had my strength up. That was very hard on your papa since he couldn't stay overnight in the hospital. He drove back and forth, visiting, bringing me things from home since I had no clothes, shoes, toiletries or anything. You stayed with me all the time, sleeping sneakily in my bed since I couldn't stand to have you sleeping in the bassinet. We had lots of family visitors those first few days. Grandma and Grandpa cried when they held you. Soon we were pushing to go home - I was in a room with three other mamas because papa had forgotten we had medical coverage for a semi-private room. One baby cried and cried all night and I knew we would get more rest at home. So finally they allowed us to go home. And then, on Canada Day July 1st, 2009, we brought you home.

Tomorrow is your birthday. You're already one year old! What a journey this past year has been. I can't wait to know you even more and watch you grow into a boy and a man. I love you more than anything sweetness. Happy birthday!

summer beach days

2010-06-26T21:17:00.001-05:00

We had a list of things to get done in the yard yesterday. Take down the tent which was knocked down during the last torrential downpour (3 weeks ago... procrastination much?), weed the garden that grew by leaps and bounds while I was away, fix the clothesline which fell under the weight of too much laundry....

But as I was driving home from my chiropractor's appointment, the sun felt so nice through the window and the hot muggy air sent other plans my way. What's one more day of waiting to get stuff done anyway? So we quickly threw our things together and headed out to the beach. When Jude was last at the beach in the Bahamas, he didn't like the sand, didn't like the water and definitely did not like the waves. Of course there are no waves at Bird's Hill but what a successful outing! Digging, piling, splashing around... sampling the sand and trying out his steps some more. I'm sort of sad to see him moving on from crawling and to think I won't see his awesome monkey crawl again. He was getting so fast!

Apart from the horrible, bloodsucking monsters lurking in the grass (who swarmed us when the sun went away) we had such a fabulous time. Going away has made me appreciate the time at home so much more. I'll sooner put off doing the chores and household work to jump on spending a moment with my son.

(The last monkey crawl?)

My son who has decided lately that he wants to be up by six am. We've been diligent about staying in bed until seven his entire life because anything earlier is just ungodly. The last time he decided to switch his time to get up, we conveniently adjusted his bedtime an hour later during daylight savings time change. Instead of a 7pm bedtime he would go down for 8, and get up at 7am. But lately, meaning this entire past week, he wants to be up at 6. Or even earlier. I'm not sure what to do since he doesn't need a later bedtime and he usually only naps once midday for two hours. Since we cosleep most of the night, we're all awake when he is and leaving him to cry or play in his crib is not an option. Any ideas???

So this morning Chris and I had a disagreement about who was to get up. I asked him to since it was my turn to stay in bed and he kept me up til one am the night before. He asked me to since he was so tired and was finally having a good sleep. I said no, stated my case again, and after getting nowhere with the sleeping lump, got up with Jude. Oh frustration!

But we ended up having a nice morning - early breakfast, drove to St. Norbert Farmer's Market where he had a ball. Roosters, chickens, goats, more people and children and dogs than you could imagine. I made sure to only bring 20$ since I could easily spend so much more. That forced me to really contemplate what I wanted - fresh local pasta, clover honey, cucumbers, carrots, calendula flowers (for making bum salve) and a ginger flax cookie. Yum! Had to pass on the saskatoon pie (my ABSOLUTE favorite! like my grandma used to make) but there's all summer yet.

The countdown:
1 more day til we strike or come to an agreement with the corporation
3 more days til Jude's first birthday
3 more days til I maybe leave town again for my next trip

oh so much up in the air. breathe. relax. stay grounded. and pack!

we have a walker!

2010-06-24T13:35:00.001-05:00

Steps steps steps.

The first one was on my last day on the train. Chris was so excited to share and I was just as excited for him. Couldn't be too disappointed since the next day he gave me two distinct steps! But then the babe decided to move onto other things for a while, such as the 180 degree quick turnaround, even attempting a 360 with hands and feet.

Today Mikki and Kingsley came over for a visit and the giggles were on! He hammed it up the whole time, showing off his skills and toys until finally he decided to pull out the big guns. "look at me!" it said as he started stepping across the living room. First five in a row, then a few more, then seven steps all the way to the futon! Yay big dude :) there's no going back now.... What fun!

I've noticed he's a lot more serious since I've come back. Still has lots of happy and goofy moments, but when he's concentrating or learning something he looks so serious. I'm sure it's affected him emotionally, my being away. But the connection forged with Papa is already much stronger. I noticed a number of times when Chris wasn't around that Jude would go searching for him. Last night Jude was in the middle of the bed when we joined him. When he started stirring, he shuffled over to dad and cuddled him instead! How sweet :) Love love love my boys.

We've been busy as bees this week from a visit to the Red River Ex, swimming at Pan Am with April and Kort (where he learned to toss the ball back and forth), playgroups and playdates galore... Not to mention our first bike ride! Can't wait to get out again, he had such fun zooming around down the side streets, ringing the bell and kicking the handlebars.

Another exciting note: I got a temporary vacancy to Toronto! As much as I loved my crew to Vancouver, it was just too long away for the boys so I jumped to bid these openings. Now I leave on Tuesday the 29th, Jude's first birthday. But we'll have the entire day together and I'll be home after three days. Exciting!!! Of course, that's only if the strike doesn't happen. We shall see. I'm not getting myself too worried since each time we've gotten to this point we reach an agreement at the last second. But of course, there's always the possibility that we hit the picket line on Sunday. So I'm watching and waiting, hoping to leave Tuesday as planned but preparing for the worst. What bad timing for a strike (not that there's ever a good time really). But especially bad for me since my mat leave ran out last month, waiting a 6 weeks before a via paycheck, Chris cut shifts to stay and watch Jude and we're already behind on all our bills. Oh well, no use worrying about it. Things always have a way of working out.

My mama's super cool scooter

On a blog you always have to wonder how much is too much information. I share lots about our life, plans, stresses, etc... And I'm never quite sure who's reading since it's wide open to all my facebook friends, most of whom don't subscribe or leave comments. But every now and then someone will mention that they follow along and know all about what I've been doing, which is nice to know people are interested.

I had a totally sexy dream last night, not about my hubby but about some guy that I don't even know. We've never spoken, I don't have a crush on him and apart from the fact that he's a good looking guy, I have no idea what would attract me. But somehow my subconscious decided to cast him in a role and start sending me absurdly fun dreams... Not that I'm complaining, I certainly don't mind those dreams. Just wondering what triggered that. Who wants to share dreams? Lol!!!