Public chastising Toronto

A rough day of travel today was. Incredible to navigate and succeed, but we've arrived. Traveling with kids is demanding for sure, especially when you expect so much of them. The long travel days, changes to schedule, endless visiting and looming adult smiles coming close. They've both been remarkably adaptable to the late night craziness of most days. Eventually we all have breaking points though and ours are sitting close. 

From 8h-18h we travelled roads, rails, family breakfasts, return of scratched car rental, luggage woes sans baggage car (where luckily rail status came in helpful and stroked the wheels of sending our through luggage on a later train and completely to home to Winnipeg), finally boarding with still an excess of everything we needed in Trto. To be sitting next to a grouchy old dame who clearly did not want to be sitting with kids. Not a word was spoken, her loud sighs and eye rolls portraying all. Had to wait out thirty minutes before they would know if she could change seats so she immersed in her work, glancing up unhappily every few minutes. Well, I apologized when my son dropped his snacks on the ground near her feet, worked to contain him in seats and out of her way, though being nearly three he clearly was excited to stand and look out the window. I know it's not ideal to sit in a four seater with two kids and adults but with babies under one considered in arms... it can happen, and in the corridor it's not rare to fill a four seater with strangers. She couldn't have been more clearly unhappy that we were there. Finally, while Cruella chatted on the phone the service manager returned, spoke briefly to us and then turned to her "Madame?" Unnoticed she would return. When the news came and she hurried to collect things, she dropped her table onto Molly head's (totally without apology or utterance, though she looked alarmed) and criticized my french as I pointed out her forgotten jacket. What a devil we got rid of!

We made it through the rest of the ride, naps and meals and even seeing an old friend who happened to be on train as well. Struggled off train with a fair amount of bags again. 1/food 2/toys 3-5/personal bags 6-7/purses. Adds up! two kids, one on leash (which is a whole other story), getting on and off friday rushhour subway. Wheee!

Checking in and finally leaving bags behind, the last venture out would be grabbing takeout dinner and wine. Ordered sushi, stopped in for smoothies on Yonge, made it to LCBO, returned to fetch sushi and cross the street home. As we were twenty feet before the corner, Jude drops his smoothie. (When Aunty asks for a sip, he says "No, ME!"). The bottom of the Styrofoam cup rips clear and begins leaking the third of drink left. Both moms say "Oh no, it fell! No more, we can't take it with us" to calm any coming freakout and I pull him along. At this point I am juggling a baby and bottle of wine in one arm, holding Jude's hand with the other while Le handles the takeout and her purse. Neither of us consider trying to pick up the spilling cup with no available appendages and search out a garbage can with the kids, it's true. At the end of a lengthy day, steps from our end point, a divergence with the toddler and baby and bags and mess is just not going to happen. But of course, my mind is focused only on the end goal of getting all these kids and things to the hotel asap. 

A woman immediately passes and accosts us. 

You're not going to leave that there??

I would never set such a terrible example for my kids. That's garbage! That's dirty! You're just going to leave that there for someone else to clean up? 

Mouths agape but without space to say much, she looks us over to continue, expecting we are going to refer to our overflowing arms.

I raised two kids. And I would never set such a terrible example. You have room in your arms for wine! You're disgusting. 

It's funny because the altercation weighed on my mind during the evening. Knowing her intentions were trying to keep her neighbourhood clean (admirable) and encourage (?) cleanliness. But her methods of approaching the topic and aggressive chastising made me more likely to NOT pick up that mess. She wanted to wag her finger at us and make us feel like poor parents. Her tone would have never been taken with an older, better dressed version of us doing the exact same thing. She saw young mothers, dressed in hoodies and sneakers juggling babes and bags and formed judgments. You have room in your arms for wine! Disgusting.

Oh well. Hopefully we got the bitches out of the way yesterday. If not, I have to keep trying to be a good example for my child and respond with tact and respect. 

stretching legs and hearts in Montreal

I've been neglectful of updating on our lives, it's true. Life gets in the way of writing! Too much living to take the time for updates.

This trip to Montreal has been a ton of fun. Finally a few quiet moments when the sisters are out shopping St-Catherines and Jude fell into heavy sleep on the ride home, barely letting me carry his sleeping body into bed without waking up. But he stayed asleep, jean jacket and fully clothed, snuggled under blankets with his bear and full dreams.

The train chugged out Tuesday night, with family galore seeing us off at the station. Minutes before boarding I realized we'd forgotten Baby Bear and had no stuffies at all along for the trip. How awful! Two weeks away from home and his papa, without his bear along to cuddle and fix booboos. Mind calculating distances, I jumped in the car and raced home to grab him, happy we only live minutes from the station. Thank goodness! Grabbed the kids and a million bags and headed eastwards.

Another beautiful vacation rental, a gorgeous brownstone walkup in Atwater. Wood floors, lots of space for kids and friends, a huge enclosed balcony that looks out either side. It's the first time I've stayed outside of downtown or with family while visiting Mtrl and I LOVE it! Residential side by sides, a random mix of students, migrants, families living so close. It's lovely, we chat with neighbours across streets and balconies. Pricy condos sit next to graffitied lower income housing. It's a mix! Makes you realize how segregated we are in Winnipeg, both with distance of private housing and little reason to be in contact with neighbours. And socio-economically!! You would never find the utterly random mix of high/low class, incomes, backgrounds, etc within the same residential area in Winnipeg.

I am also driving in Montreal, EEeeee! Thank GOD I came with a GPS generously lent to us by friends because I would never attempt navigating and driving Montreal streets at once. GPS has been a lifesaver, knowing one-way streets and automatically recalculating routes once we diverge from the planned path (often!). I even ended up driving the autoroutes accidentally, with only myself and Jude in the car. My heart pounding as traffic poured around me, flying through tunnels and around curves, we both squealed as I did it and felt totally exhilarated. Parallel parking is for sure a necessary skill living in Montreal. Parking both side of the street, sorely testing my poor parallel parking skills. And being the only driver for our rented Jetta, I've had some stress but am doing it!!

More to come!

well well, hello valentines

The future is open, wide open, and who knows where it'll lead. I thought more about valentines day and love this year than in any other. Others when you are loved and held by someone you expect will be beside you for years. There is so much love to show - valentines to be made for children and friends, garlands of hearts and baking cookies to warm the house (and round the belly!). Thank goodness there are multiple feet through this house to keep the tin emptying.

We acquired a roommate, a university student who pads around the house in african kaftans. though we pass mostly during busy days, we stop to discuss cultural beliefs and dating, polygamy, ghosts and which farm most Caribbean and African winnipeg families buy their whole, bone in meat from. Yes our new household is unconventional but so far it is coming along. I can't wait to finish unpacking the final boxes. can't wait to get the final pieces of furniture to fill out this huge space. I can't wait for spring, these tantalizing glimpses of late afternoon sunlight filtering through the kitchen window reminds me of what summer nights will feel like, bbqing off the back steps growing herbs along patches of lit earth. We may have another roommate by then and the rotating cast of characters will hopefully only add to the interesting family quilt we are building. The other day I was reminded of couchsurfing and of finally having the space available to host travellers again. Maybe our friends close by will realize they are always welcome to knock on the door, come share a glass of wine or sparkling water and be always in our lives.

It is mid february and before I know it the trains will start chugging along again for me. two months before live shifts again. for now the shift is working easy work, pop soda's coffeehouse and never knowing what atmosphere I'll step into - folk afternoon music. confrontational slam poetry. wild queer dance party. family art day. The clientele is everyone, the atmosphere always welcoming. It's rare to want to hang out in your workplace when not required to be there. So far the work isn't ruining the enjoyment of it.

Some days are still roaring and busy, but others are freeing. This adjustment into "parttime" parenting is strange. though we live together still so we can all see each other as often as possible, it's not comfortable to spend all spare moments together. So I've decided to spend some days away from the home, filling hours with yoga and special friends, connecting with family alone without needing to rush around after my busy bean.

And he is doing well - nursery school is always exciting and such a small class size means he gets lots of close attention there too. He spends days following after his nanny, walking to safeway to explore and buy treats. We make crafts and he helps with cooking and cleaning. He is charming and squeals of "mama! MAMA!" with long arms flung around me, eyes flashing love, joy in the moment. He is growing bigger every day and he is absorbing the world, our interactions, making decisions about how things work or how things should work. So smart.

Check off another day

I guess i could be writing every day, tracking my up and down days. No, my up and down life! But without the time to process everything, I'm back to existing mainly in my head. Those perfectionist tendencies stopping the flow, waiting until I have an answer, a clear path, before speaking. I realize that I haven't been open in conversation for a long time. Only stepping in once I'm sure of what I have to say, refusing to be wrong and not trying anything unless I'm already good. What terrible traits to carry and (hopefully not) pass on. Perfect holds you to high standard but doesn't allow for effort if you don't reach the sky. And I've grown up holding that standard, vacillating only between high accomplishment and complete failure. 

There is no path here, existing in a dead house. The holding pattern keeps us here until moving day. Kept in an unnatural situation that carries a lot of stress! We are doing all we can to move through the days, step around each other and give space, make agreements about household life, avoid falling into old relationship patterns and anger. It's hard! Hard, definitely. It was expected to be and I have to continually remind myself of this. This is the hardest part. The days run the gamut of emotions that never include comfort or ease. 

BUT! the medications are working well at holding my mood. Certain things are actually coming together and when everything lines up well, my faith is buoyed up. And then when it lines up too perfectly, it helps to believe that all our decisions led to this moment. That even before we were decided events were aligning for this. 

And I count myself lucky for having special friends, those who continue to reach out and support me. Who don't mind listening to the angst rolling around in my head, no ground to spill it into. Who suggest outings, distractions and escapes. Who show up alcohol in hand. Who reach out to touch and hold me, considering the significant loss of touch I have in my life. We had been best friends, before. And things are just so constantly uncomfortable now, it's hard to have lost that.   

year 2000 rewind

lately I find myself thrown back in time. Everywhere I turn there are folks to reconnect with that I lost touch with a decade ago. It seems even more poignant at this time because these were people who circulated as I was forming myself and immediately before beginning my eleven years with Chris. As we come to a close, it feels bizarre to be randomly tossed back into a scene that I excused myself from years ago.

In retro/intro-spection, I've discovered my pattern for forming intense, short lived connections. Upon disillusionment, drifting apart or  various reasonings, I haven't held on to many people in my life. Felt comfortable ending times with friends once we no longer connected on the level I'd hoped. It's only been recently that I've rediscovered lost friendships from the past (kristy!) and was able to withdraw from the fog of disillusionment to respect and appreciate the things about people that initially drew me to them. Finding the same respect in friendship that I held for intimates.

I hold solidly to reasons for breaking contact, especially because it's as hard to redefine a friendship it is in a relationship. You both have to be invested and willing to have tough conversations - we expect those things from our partners, but not generally from our friends. Fair weather friends. So it's easier to let go of what you had, and mourn that loss, then to talk and each contribute to how and in what way you can continue being friends.

Oh, I've found myself thinking lots about friendships, relationships, how people come in and out of your lives and what they were there to contribute. It's always been a fascination, the watching of how people interact and move together, but now from inner turmoil a new perspective. A universal respect and efforts at love, at openness, at welcoming people for their selves outside of expectations. Of nurturing those which are important to me. And of appreciating the contributions we have, brief or continual, from the people in our lives who love us. Love. 

Am I on the return path, choosing again from the same surroundings? Brought back to a moment in my life where certain people circled me, where a job offer in Rogue's Gallery turned down leads to an equally handed job from the same owner, new establishment. Every turn leads me to another familiar face I haven't seen or thought of in years. I know this is Winnipeg but it's non stop and intense. Not bad necessarily, though I am wondering what I am supposed to learn and contemplate from this. Clearly things are culminating at certain points in my life for a reason. if I am to learn and make better decisions in my future i'll need to understand what choices I made, or didn't make. 

Introspection, baby. It's a gas. 

Single in 2012

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.

Winnipeg ~ too small/small enough ?

Oh my Winnipeg, I do love you. Mind you I can escape your heavily roped restraints anytime I need. And I do need that flight from home turf.

I chose to stay on the edges, never immersing myself too heavily in a scene where I would then become known. Where the same faces floated about you, old interactions and remembered histories clashing with desire for open clean slates. Chose is not a complete story though. Continuous uprooting meant I didn't settled down for long in a space, leaving town and friendships, schools, groups. Rotating into orbits for a time. A time of discovery, of exploring who I was through new friends and the people around me. 

And I missed, of course, walking into a room knowing tons of people. 

But I didn't. And was enjoying relative anonymity. 

Met fleeing this strangling city this fall an experimental filmmaker, complete in bitter loathing for a city that didn't provide him opportunities or recognize him while York University offered full scholarship for his film master, plus chance to teach and work with idols. I argued Winnipeg provided a good place for lots of artists, those who preferred toiling in obscurity and that we foster a great arts/music scene.  Clearly, not for all. For some the scene is incestually small, adult interactions high school reminiscent. 

And my place became clearer still - though I enjoy knowing people I really enjoy being on the fringes... and not knowing everyone. Because as soon as that happens every action becomes noticed. logged to be judged, somehow, later on. 

Going to a show this Friday brought it out. I get to the Pyramid often enough and usually it's packed, though that also tends to be the shows I choose. This was a local show, 60s spy themed. Not too busy, though the music was great and introduced me to superb local group This Hisses. 

Wow! strands of Portishead and Radiohead, rock surf noir. J'adore. Will be out to see them again. And I knew I remembered one of the members from another lifetime at the Red Herring when we were briefly friends. those who spent late nineties nights hanging out there will know. And I knew the singer of the Rockdoras too. Saw some regular scene faces and even the unrecognizable shared quick histories and one degree separation. Shared partners from the past? Too convenient.

What made this too much, almost too much closeness in Winnipeg, is that I haven't been around this scene in nearly twelve years. And still had way too many connections and recognizables around me.

Next time I search a facebook event instead of checking how many people I know going and sending invites, I'll look for the most anonymous of events. Within the same small list of interesting goings-on... wish me luck!

Occupy the world

My travels east are coming to a close. Though I took eight days for myself, eight days to take the train and whirl through toronto, to explore quebec by car and by foot, days for reflection and walking and trespassing (whoops!), there never seems to be enough time. I could have spent my very full days differently and still been just as busy.

One thread that pulled my trip into cohesion were my stops at occupy movements across the east. I wanted to see how each group had settled and what ideas were being brought forward. I wanted to be part  of a global movement that was drawing citizens of all ages and backgrounds. Saturday in Toronto was huge - visitors swelled with an estimated thousands as the park teemed with plans and ideas and music. It was a beautiful day, one of the limited ones left us, and the theme that day was logistical. Should camp relocate? How could they sustain a spread holding two locations? Strategic planning of camp and safety was paramount. Everyone was constantly at the ready for eventual police action. At the time, Occupy London Ontario had been cleared and clashes were happening through the US. By the time I'd moved onto Quebec city the overnight evictions at Wall Street had taken place and we all partially expected action anytime.

In Canada, government and media have not reproached Occupy regarding their rights of assembly, right to peacefully gather, rights of protest. Instead the attacks, the global conversation, is steered away from what the protestors represent into talks of camp safety, cleanliness, making sure every bylaw is followed exactly and searching for ways and reasons to dismantle. I left occupons quebec yesterday feeling buoyed by their organization and winter preparations despite being denied fire (fairly common - occupons montreal is also perservering without fire). This morning they were served notice to dismantle the common kitchen or the city will enter friday am to remove it. OQ had already rebuilt the structure with metal panels after the city ruled plastic walls were unsafe. Now they were ascerting it was a  permanent structure, and such couldn't remain on site. Here is the live camera faced on Occupons Quebec 24/7. (Structure was dismantled early Friday morning. Nov19)

Seeing all the different ideas and areas set up in each occupy were inspiring. A lending library yurt was well stocked in Toronto. The common kitchen kept busy feeding all those who came. General assemblies, daily educational talks, revolutionist music, a crafting area to make signage, a free store, a devotional area.

With the crackdowns faced as cities become irritated with ongoing public occupation, the aesthetics not pleasing, the conversation uncomfortable to many, the direction of this movement remains unclear. What is clear is the conversation has begun. The revolution begins here, with openness and acceptance of other points of view. The multifaceted support and curiosity regarding ideas is clear on the ground, less so in mainstream media which prefers capitalizing on sensationalistic images.

Solidarity! We support you in change.

heavy heavier

That fall slowing has begun. Feeling stagnant and stale, slowed and heavy. I fought acceptance of depression again for weeks. Still stable enough to hold happy facades, i told myself at least i'm not weeping in the corner. At least I'm still functional. Still able to hold together for family and work, while every task grows mountainous before me.

I don't think knowing that I couldn't handle the mountains in front of me turned me towards acceptance. Though retreating and letting it all slide, all that i could attribute to something else. No, acceptance came with small realizations. Had I really been happy at all the last couple months? Had I pulled enjoyment out of the myriad great experiences and moments I'd had?

That's depression's worst steal - without realizing, you are merely existing. The moments might be the same and you may hold together enough to fool most acquaintances (or simply attribute your dip in mood to stress, life circumstances, illness). But enjoyment, that elusive enjoyment... In moments I feel as though I am enjoying myself, but really the investment isn't there. Whether joy is there or not doesn't seem momentous and of any real importance. The same moment could happen and regardless of outcome I'd watch, mimic, observe.

Ahh, what a bane. Slowly medicating to hopefully regain some balance.


And creatively I'm at impasse. Excess of want and no focus, unable to decide/commit/dedicate myself to anything. What to fill my long Winnipeg winter with? Do I take a writing class to focus my energies, play with photographs without clear ideas or continue learning video on my amazing camera... All things that interest me but require some dedication, which I am incapable of.

Layoff looms imminently, a short summer of hardly working and now the season closing too soon. I can't imagine within a few trips my travels will close for the winter and I'll settle into another season of serving and mothering. Where do i fit within this haphazard life that i've built?

I don't have the energy to rail with frustrations. Moving, moving slowly forwards. Asking the universe to fill my head with ideas and energy.

rabb it up

Ian Rabb. I have been seriously hating this name and person since the last civic election. Didn't know much about the candidate, nor cared to when he pulled the sleazy politician's move of plastering his face fifteen feet high over the sides of buildings his family manages for WinPark Dorchester. Such opportunism profiteering from wide open, likely free, space. Ad space that would usually cost you significant dollars, placed huge at oft traveled corners like Main St and River Ave. You couldn't help but repeatedly see his smiling conservative grin.

Living in an apartment, you can be discouraged from even placing an election sign in your window. I said can, most people are allowed and some do place signs, but depending on your location in the building it often won't even be seen. Who has the right to advertise for one candidate on the sides of multiple people's homes because they own/manage the building? You couldn't even place a sign on a lawn for most apartments and his status allows him to use these buildings as his personal billboards? Living there would feel like having your opinion trampled, facing those obnoxious large signs.

And then! When he didn't win against Jenni Gerbasi, the signs came back long before any election was being talked about. Obviously attempting to brand his name into consciousness, recruiting those conservative voters and being repetitively droned into recognition.

So now he's running in the provincial election for Fort Garry/Riverview. Which means as I strolled Fort Garry visiting the family, feeling conspicuously not part of the neighborhood, I saw blue Rabb signs around me, competing with James Allun orange, just a few Kevin Freedman reds. Pretty typical of political representation at that level. And as I reflected about how much I dislike Rabb, an SUV pulled up in front of me. With yet another Ian Rabb face (sticker, this time) reflected off the door, it was hard to avoid his face looking through the window as well. Interesting timing...

So he actually has an interesting history. Former drug addict, cocaine and ecstasy, former escort (for the ladies) who has even acted in porn (gasp! no word on who he partnered), says his decision making skills were twisted by the addiction he fought his entire life. I admire the addiction rehabilitation centres he's set up and overseen, finding his life's grounding in helping others overcome their own addictions. Regardless, the conservation line and crime views he perpetuates doesn't endear him to me.

Don't avoid the vote. Regardless of my views, everyone should put their mind to paper at election time. If you don't know what's going on lots of people care to inform you. Active civic community involvement creates neighbourhoods, amenities we want, traffic decisions that we agree with. Instead of relying on small numbers to make decisions and moaning afterwards, figure out now what matters to you and who would best represent your thoughts. Isn't that what it's about?

always take the weather with you

The weather has turned, cruelly banishing bathing suits and lack of... it's time for sweaters and heavy socks, cuddling for warmth. There are things I love about this weather - baking sweets with my little helper, teaching measuring and filling, mixing and dumping. Earl Grey tea with heavy cream and honey warming cold fingers. It's always the fingertips... awkward typing with shivering fingertips, only from the knuckles down. Silly winnipeg cold forcing me to turn on the heat. I resisted all day after getting home thinking the days would warm our old house. Sadly no and the heat went today.

 


 Goodbye Toronto beaches, ferrying over to Hanlan for sunshine and sand, climbing trees wandering rare grass quiet not often found in TO. These last few trips will fly by before layoff, perhaps heading westwards once more. New crews to finish off the year with and friends not seen all summer. I enjoyed my summer, though conflicted around liking my crew and half spareboard fill-ins. It felt like hardly working, especially with an entire August off after toe break 2011...

 These last couple trips back have been great. Sunny skies through still green shield, coach and night duty easy trips. I slid among harried crew, smiling offering support. read, watched, edited, looked, hid, conversed. made friends. avoided others. Always dancing, still fresh among all the extra'd non stop working crew. Money money, how can i acquire more?? But I'd rather time at home, time with my boys and to enjoy the heat. Time to stroll Assiniboine Park, swim Pinawa Beach, enjoy Exchange festivals... Winter hides me inside and if I were away all summer? When to enjoy??

 Christel and Joey got married this past weekend after ten years together. The wedding was fantastic, of course, every detail lovingly brought out through friends and family. The support that glues a couple together and holds them. I remember reading a piece a few years back comparing north american divorce statistics with other emerging countries, such as India. Apart from societal expectations put in place around marriage, a key piece to marital happiness revolved around expectations partners had for each other. Here we've been raised to expect that your spouse completes you, your lives revolve around each other and they should fulfill every part of you. Whereas other cultures pride their extended families, sisters, friends and others with filling some of those needs. It's a heavy burden to place on a spouse to fulfill every need singlehandedly, one that can be easily shared when we have good people in our lives. In the end, seeing all the love come together to celebrate these two, who've literally grown up together and decided they still love each other most, was inspiring. I knew I would cry and surely did as she canoed to the beach with her father and sister. I was so glad we could share her day!

Quel septembre. Quel changements de saison, de plus 30 degres a moins 2 dans des jours!
Silly and strange. That's how I like my septembres.

What the?

I've had even less time than I'd thought to keep up with everything this summer. Certainly this blog, friends we haven't seen enough of and family the same. But, it's been a very full summer. full to brimming. Writing comes hard these days even during the few slow moments I've had. Something is brewing, hanging back out of sight... i hope to discover it during my escape eastwards at layoff. Some much needed time alone, mornings to sleep and move through uncharted days.

Working on the road I always feel guilty for the time I'm already away. Though I've needed time away, alone since nearly the spring, it's only now coming together. So I escape (which will likely be read badly, negatively). It will be here before I know, only handfuls of trips left. Hardly anything before I'll head to Quebec City mid november. The plan, to blow through Toronto and nearly completely Montreal to train QC interior. Stop a base in Quebec City, rent a car and drive around for a few days eating well, exploring alone... Ahhh, i can't wait. Somewhere I know nearly no one, though the guilt for not stopping in on family in Montreal has already plagued me. Is this the mother's cliche, guilt for everything always? Sounds so ladies journal.

Some plans will have to slowly come together, searching a good couchsurfing match in the city for one. And finding a car... i wonder if i can avoid rental agencies. all things to figure out.


J'adore le premier jour du retour.
It's the perfect day. i am welcomed by my boys, picked up by 1030. We play, unpack the suitcase and fix lunch. Then it's time to continue routine and put J down for a nap. Never with us, too much a change to his expectations (and he does go down amazingly well as long as it's mostly the same). We've cottaged at different outposts, overnighted at both sides of grandparents, stayed in tents and with large groups. He goes down easily or lays there playing quietly, periodically getting loud and requiring rebuke. That nap is so necessary! I can't understand parents whose kids outgrow naps early. Here's to hoping he naps up to kindergarten.

So we get some quiet time, relax reconnect watch shows or collapse exhaustedly into sleep. If I do, I'll sleep hard. Then afternoon cuddles return, along with usually sending dad off to work. We make dinner, do something fun like baking together and end up strolling to the park in hoodies and him in rubber boots. his choice. It's the perfect day. i get all arranged if it isn't already. Start prep for the week at home. A perfect stay around home recover and time with my little guy uninterrupted.

c'est parfait

body rebellion

Fuck my broken toe. Fuck my infected cyst, painful and worrying before knowing what it was. Fuck the rash accompanying antibiotics that shouldn't have triggered allergies, but did. Up and down arms, itching like crazy and unsightly in the summertime. Nevermind the rashes dotting my body because the bruises mottling my legs are scary enough. Fuck scratching my large toe and forming an infection on there as well. Fuck my period and my stomach issues, everything combining at once. This body rebels against me! For fuck's sake

I kicked the wall last night accidentally, turning the corner too quickly and slamming my baby toe into the door jamb. The pain overwhelmed so I hopped up and down, a jude dancing between my feet thinking this show a funny prelude to bedtime. But my toe stuck out scarily, 90 degrees out from my foot. I felt faint as blood rushed through me, shaking as I hobbled to bed, worried he would request the longest books and I wouldn't make it through them. We sped through the shortest bedtime stories possible, surprised he didn't hear the nerves in my voice and the shaking through my body as he settled quietly. When the door closed behind me the sobs escaped and I made it to the phone before collapsing in tears on the couch. Of course I'm alone and pissed/freaked/scared. Now I've really done it. When I broke it last month, a fracture I assumed, i was careful but didn't worry much. But now as it sticks out sideways from my foot, knowing I've really broken it badly, that my vacation will suck ass hobbling around carefully, that i won't be able to run after my boy at the cottage and jump in the lake. That our moving things around and other stresses will suffer from me not being able to do as much as I want. And it hurts! And he will jump on it and touch it and otherwise make it difficult to avoid hurting it again. My poor toe...

I've been working on breathing these last few difficult weeks. On allowing stresses to wash through me and not to overwhelm, to take on only as much as I can handle and let the rest fall off. Every time I feel angry as things don't develop the way I want I step back. Breathe. Remind myself that it's ok and not to let my bad mood permeate everything else. Not to let my bad mood take hold at all.

This universe is testing my resolve to improve my stress and anger. Every time i successfully make it through another train trip, another argument, another hiccup in our minutely planned out schedule I am thrown more. More to test me, more to breathe through and accept. Push, push. Accept. Relax. I can do this. I can make it through you fucking up my summer and my body. Crying helps. As do brief moments of rest, moments to myself. Reflection. Easy summer days. Relax.

we went to ballet

Ballet in the park, a tradition since the 70s we were reminded, to bring the community together and show off our world-class ballet in training. Though it was lauded intensely it lived to expectations, children sitting in parents' laps, singles, hipsters with dog, families, wheelchairs, couples... Everyone happy to be out a gorgeous clear eve, children tuckered from a play at the nature playground.

We went early but still parked far at six as others thought the same. Hard to tell any uptick in kids since the playground is always full and in use. What a difference! What a paradise as kids. He ran out his energy, sliding faster than ever in pants and shoes not catching on the steep drop slide. Once the sand and water was discovered we went no further, shoes and socks off, dump truck happily appropriated and more good messy fun every minute. Learning how to play side by side, to watch for others as he ran and to wait turns at the slide. Hard concepts to teach a two year old at times but we are moving there, though hands still flail out and smack mom when hurt or unhappy with what he hears. The behaviour still young, my sometimes baby, but understanding so much he often delights me. Today he knew when I told him dogs can't eat peanut butter, that dogs eat bones and dog food and meat but that peanut butter is no good for dogs. This as he intended to go offer his snack, he turned upset by what I'd told him to smack my glasses off. No, i told him, you Don't hit. Mama doesn't like that. You are mad, but you can't hit me. 

But when the music started and the dancers emerged he stood focused watching. His eyes glued he stood right close to me but stared intently at the stage, delighted and excited by the jumping and spins. My little dancer whose body moves non-stop. He stops his day at a good song and stands to wave hands and bend over, bopping and moving to music. This he did at the show, between sitting quietly in my lap, hugging and laying down watching the sky and simply standing, staring at the dancers. His interest was so intent I couldn't believe at only two he would watch so closely. 

We funnily ended up sitting with friends, not realizing until we both arrived at the same patch of grass. I carried jude and his snack as we aimed for an open spot in the middle of the crowd, perfectly in line with the stage. We arrived at the same time and i'd said "i think there might be room for us to share" before hearing my name and looking up to see the sharers were sisters I work with and her two children. So funny without looking for friends you end up together. And lovely to chat with her slightly older children and see what comes next. 

Before the ending and mass exodus of people i packed my very tired boy into a hardly used mei-tei wrap and carried my monkey back through the playground. Remembering the rows of swings, the slowly disappearing slides and monkey bars that made up the shell... and now a fantastic use of space clearly well paid for. How lucky we are to take in so much for free. Lucky :)

sunset field

I would love to make love in a field, surrounded by grasses and rushes three feet high, invisible from the road in a world completely your own.

this is where I've walked to, just down the road from the cottage. Scaled a fence and trespassed into fields buffeted by winds as the sun sets slowly over Lac du Bonnet. I needed this time, to relax, to be alone, to walk without aim or effort. i feel hidden, lost from sight as wind caresses nude feet, softly edging over soles too often treaded and forgotten.

I may be discovered. oh well. had heard the truck moving down the road, searching me out. will see if steps approach, apologize and meekly escape to the road, and home.

searching, searching.

if only he would call out to me i would sit and face my dues... or would i? hard to say as i see him stride not twenty feet away and call out - what? What?! then the truck starts up. drives around the bend and stops. are you drawing me out, was this a terribly bad idea? if so, couldn't you call to me rather then drive up and down the road, searching me out? unless that wasn't the idea but you came into the field, looking looking.

i stayed low, waiting quietly. if this was cow pasture the grasses would be trampled, if bulls lived here and i feared for my life the signs would be visible. i strode far enough from the road to lay hidden as you patrolled the field, clearly having seen me enter. to stop me, for what reason other than to protect your field i don't know. protect from what, from whom? to scare me? to catch me? i lay here, ready to be caught or to wait for darkness and creep out.



** i don't have a photo of me to accompany this post. every picture of me is in relation to others

two already??

So much for having more time for myself, for life, for everything once work fully swung into place! One day I will realize that long languid days no longer exist, that pressing matters I somewhat successfully put out of mind only create more stress as they sit undone, those twinges reminding me of everything uncrossed on my neverending to-do list.

He isn't napping, today. I can hear him shuffling in the room, loud soother sucking, tossing blankets around and thumbing books. Most days naps are easy. Once we finally came back onto routine after a first hit when mom returned to the road followed by a train trip that further lost sleep routines. They came with me, both boys as mama worked a quiet takeout trip. Loads of time to snuggle and play, have my boy curious around me and an expected quiet trip where i could see them. "what a dedicated via employee, going out of her way to play with the kids" one of two incredibly goodlooking french men traveling in coach said that trip. "umm, it looks to me that they resemble each other a lot... i think that's her kid" said the other obviously more astute of the pair. I can't really see sitting with a pyjama'd blond tired mop reading bedtime stories in my takeout corner for random coach children... dedicated employee indeed.

But he shuffles today, restless and not tired/too tired. i know those days. your body needs the rest but your limbs move, you can't settle. He's been cranky, a little tired and listless but still releasing the bounds of energy his body needs to burn off. Yesterday brought the largest sustained meltdown yet and still early in the morning, well before the naptime crankiness usually begins. He cried hysterically at a friends, through the house and into the car. five minutes of sitting in the car while he bucked to avoid bring buckled throwing his strong body around. Howling continued the entire ride home, 11am down Osborne with the windows down and insistent yelps and cries from the backseat. it continued into the house only and finally subsisted as we threw him into bed with his rabbitty and baby, the familiar comforts of bed and milk too much to resist.

Today sleep doesn't come easy. I give advil knowing he's badly cutting a tooth and not feeling his best, hoping the relief will allow his body to rest. I read an extra book, tuck him in extra tight, firmly return him to his bed nine times. finally i lay down beside him, his body strumming. legs kick out arms reaching to play, to hit, to touch, he can't still himself. 'Stop' i say 'No more moving'. and 'if you want mom to lay down with you, stop moving'. i remind him a few times and finally stretch my body to contain him in every way, legs covered by mine, arms around holding hands still, elbow tucked into my side. my head rests on his to hold him still completely as he fights then gives in, drifting off to sleep nearly as soon as the body is forced to a calm state.

Today it is his birthday! Two years old, already. Already? they all say. and Doesn't the time pass so fast? Yes and yes, i have to agree with both. But today we cut his hair. Took him to a barber downtown for his first outside haircut. A bus ride and exploring downtown skywalks led us there where Wally set him on a board and worked quickly while Jude scowled. What's this business? i could see him thinking. We must have looked so happy and excited for him that he was confused. I'm supposed to like this? hmmm, don't get it. But they seem so happy! oh well, lollipops (loodlepopshhs!) and a kitty from home to snuggle under the cape kept him distracted as did the soother brought specially in case it was needed. Moms always think of this stuff and come prepared with gobs of stuff while Chris said that's why dads always seem so fun and spontaneous because they have to make stuff up on the fly. I might have to agree with that generalization...

in and out of sunshine

the rains been hanging heavy, in and out of sunshine come grey skies, lashing winds. Hasn't felt much like emerging though we keep getting out between rain showers. Plus to not watering the garden! boo to hearing I need nylons over my cabbages to stop the worms from overtaking them (thanks for the tip Christel!). One more thing to attend to in this yard. I love it... but it's so much work to keep at a barely adequate level!

Vancouver = surviving on very little sleep. seven nights with five hours or less per night. wow how to continue operating night after day after night...

Winnipeg = cutting and cutting and cutting grass, weeds, branches... a boy suddenly rising in the night for cuddles and sleeping with mom. What happened to our good sleeper? Oh we had a good, easy run for a while there. Believing ourselves so lucky, and we were, that he happily bedded down not rising til the sun. Now he cries out at 2 or more often opens his door, climbs the stairs and clamours over dad to get between, the warmest, coziest spot. We never minded him in our bed but staying asleep becomes a chore when he's happy and wiggly and awake. So how to change back? I know the disruption mama on the road brings and the excitement craving contact he has when I'm home. But I couldn't close him in his room, bringing him back to bed and letting him cry in the night. And I'm done when I lay down in that purple sheeted twin bed, curled around my son sharing space with two pillows, a bear and a rabbit, various soothers and an empty bottle. Then we sleep curled together breathing each other's warmth. I had missed those nighttime moments during the couple months he shunned me from his bed. What to do...

I have a number of Cherrystems sets in the waiting... a yoga themed set for me when all schedules connect. Waiting to shoot a sinatra crooner style strip once we find a good location - anyone know of stages/piano rooms/etc where we might stage this? Also looking for a sixties office/den to do a comic book shoot. If you have ideas or want to brainstorm locations let me know. I'm fearing getting pegged shooting males only... I'm loving experimenting with willing male models to get great nudes but would super love to collaborate with girls as well. I gotta schedule me some shoots because now that I have the time and the means to edit my photos, i don't have anything scheduled to work on! Isn't that always the way life takes you.

In only one month my sister will be a mama too... i can't believe she's passed this journey so fast, already in her final month, breathing yoga meditations and planning her midwife homebirth in a cozy st vital rental with boyfriend. Both parents to be were homebirth babies and are now hoping theirs will join the list. What a transition to see them travel this year... anxious. methodical. calmly awaiting their new love. And before we know it

Mimi the intrepid traveler has all the experiences and stories one would hope from traveling the world. Trekking Nepal to Everest base camp, without guides or porters... altitude sickness, getting briefly lost on the mountain, new intense friendships. elephants, scooters, beaches at night. What more could you ask than an emergence into new worlds. I wish she could stay months more and in same I'll be anxiously awaiting her figure down the stairs!

This is gonna be a summertime of fun. We're planning a second birthday party for the end of month... then there's :
Teddy Bear's picnic (check)
Kildonan Park's Art in the Park (check)
Pride Weekend (? i leave sunday night, possibly with the boys in tow! hope to get down during the day) KidsFest (coming up!)
Reopening of the Children's Museum
and so much more... that only brings us to next week! It's going to be a busy full summer and i can't wait. Sunshine and family, patio drinks and nighttime hours, music in the air, giggles and reddened cheeks. I can't wait. My new thrift store sundresses made me happy yesterday, thanks Sew Dandee! So did running in the fields with the cutest blond head and flashing smile while my hat flapped in the wind. Blowing dandelions all over the city.

Quoi d'autre... we have borrowed a cat, again, to get rid of our mouse problem, again. The windows stay open every night and the thunderstorm crashing through our loft bedroom was a rare treat. I can't wait to experience this month and i wish it could slow dow n

facebook and changing memories...

i went through my facebook profile photos yesterday... looking back at the way I chose to remember and represent myself the past few years. remembering moments and what I was doing then. facebook has starting including every email you've ever wrote someone when you message them. which is strange to see communications over years, some long some simply recurring... a record of the contacts and histories you have with someone.

facebook will change the way my son knows me. he'll see the photos of him I've posted and the loving, exasperated non stop appreciations of his being. i feel torn about posting photos and stories to the world then simply want to explore more. the catharsis of figuring things out while writing them, the weighing in from friends and others about issues, the understanding of our lives others have without being in constant contact. Then there's the ability to look back and see your feelings at that moment. But these things my son will read which weighs in. Hmmm, secret diary open to the world. Living a life of honesty, free and open. What will it bring?

(my facebook photo today. mon amour et Rabbity)

spring!

getting home greenery crowded from all sides. It's lush and overgrown, an explosion from before we left. Though we'd just cut the grass it needed it again. The front window framed in green that were only buds one week ago. now I need the hot heat that lush yards should bring. The rain has left everything damp indoors but cool, our 1903 home always good at staying cool despite large windows... i feel i live in savannah when our yard drips tendrils and pinecones, apple trees blossoms and crabgrass that won't be annihilated. the garage falling down slowly reclaimed by trees and rabbits... a mishmash firepit, random stepping stones half sunk in mossy carpet. I love our yard despite overturned earthworm ground that always feels rough underfoot, dandelion garden competing grass and clover underfoot. I love our giant pine sheltering robins and jays and little boys running underneath... the left behind dog house a perfect two year old size as they hide and giggle inside. soon the garden will flourish and the evening rays will smell of basil and mint once more.

We spend as much time as we can outside though the heat hasn't appeared again... my bean is exploding in cuddles and happiness at our time together, washing dishes side by side, checking construction and trucks at the corner, running circles around a mama maypole body tense with energy. I know it'll be busy, fitting visits and yardwork and housework and shows... but each moment will be fun and worth the craziness :)

my end of the world

follows as any other day. A rainy vancouver long weekend where I actually stayed in for hours resting as I should most layovers. The allure of the city draws me out to wander and explore. I stayed in bed for hours after arriving late to non stop drizzle through bright skies. Time to work, time to catch up on emails never sent and union work sitting in my lap for months. Time to reconnect with old friends, time to lay my head down while saturday drains away from me. Enjoying restful afternoon in my 9th floor hotel room watching pigeons court the dames.

Tonight I'll hit the town with a friend from Van and see where the night leads. Today I rested my soul and took time. 

Those VIA lads and ladies who left recently will miss the sunny afternoons in the baggage car, doors slid wide as valleys and mountains slide past and the air rushes in. Disheveled return to coach hair askew smelling of smoke and mountain winds. They'll miss random nighttime conversations when you sit listening to traveler tales. I sat in the dark hearing Tyson Kerr's compositions after seeing him transcribe music across the prairies. The world slid past as you pause.

S