I've felt stresses lift away as I let go of Christmas (immediate Christmas, that is). Seeing it as the beginning of our celebrations instead of the culmination of a bitter month's disappointments. And then tonight, while researching a bit about Ukrainian Christmas traditions I found that festivities actually begin on Christmas Eve and end on the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th. Perfect for what I'm planning. A friends and family potluck might be in the cards for the ones who aren't tapped out. Some holiday baking.
It may seem random to choose Little Christmas to celebrate this year. But I spent growing up years in Dauphin with forty percent of the population claiming Ukrainian roots. Ukrainian immersion elementary stood among the french immersion, english and christian schools. Ukrainian dance and schoolmates claiming extra days off after winter holidays. I grew up seeing that other celebration from afar. I loved Christmas strongly, fiercely. Laying in a dark room under the tree watching string lights reflecting off dark windows. Mind wandering dreaming wondering. I played carols on the piano starting in November til my mom asked "could you please play something else?" We watched classics and read books and made crafts and immersed in Christmassy cheer, learning songs and dance moves for school concerts.
Funny how we get here... our home lives growing up lives so different. You wonder how you never know everything about a person, their inner selves and experiences that led them there. We reach to relate on other things forgetting we are strangers.
So this year, we will have our own Ukrainian, or Little Christmas, or Women's Christmas. We will not have a good Christmas in 2010. But in 2011, we'll get two Christmasses! Start and end the year with Christmas what could be more magical. Should be fun.
December 19, 2010
December 18, 2010
genius, i know
So it's not as though I already have way too many things crowding my plate... So much so that after emerging on the other side of the worst sickness you could possibly imagine, which robbed us of nearly an entire month, I recently had the genius idea to forget about Christmas this year. Oh, we'll go to the planned family get-togethers Christmas Eve and Day. But otherwise, the baking and music and gingerbread competition and all the stuff I love about the holiday, giving cards and gifts, sharing drinks, laughs with friends, even shopping for the right gifts and celebrating people.... I was feeling stressed knowing there was no way to do everything. Christmas rushed up on us this year and we really missed most of it. The solution? we celebrate Ukrainian Christmas this year instead. It'll give us a chance to check out related events and celebrate the holiday, time to get everything ready, immersion into another culture... Already looking forward to finding recipes, crafts and events to make our week celebration complete!
So everything has been pushed back. Not to mention I may take a trip on the rails for the extra cash if they call... makes everything quite busy. Busy is good though. Busy keeps moving, busy changes scenery, busy helps.
I've been thinking about why it's so hard to accept help. It relates to what the circumstances are. When Jude was born or when he was hospitalized, I recognized we needed help and had no problem receiving it, even asking feeling completely justified, a situation all could see required extra hands and hearts. But there seems some shame involved in getting help when you feel overwhelmed and can't pin the problem. Lack of understanding, lack of logical reason to back up your inabilities... And the funny thing is that I have no problem offering and giving every support to my loves when they need it. Nor do I judge them for it. But something about getting hands committed to us during regular times, when it just feels like too much on the plate. I felt really touched by the number of people who truly offered help and love when I posted yesterday I was sick of being a mother. Understandings of exactly how normal those feelings are and that I don't love my son any less... the trials of this month too much without a break.
A final disappointment was the cancellation (ok, postponement! but it felt as bad) of our girls spa night at the Fort Garry with my mom and sisters. Didn't want to risk getting the sisters sick and had to cancel with 48hours... I cried through disappointment. But I cut my hair again, and got my nails done with my gorgeous sister Mimi during a night off courtesy of my amazing friend April, and chatted with Celindy and Jason and Alex while watching Corydon traffic meander by their sunroom cuddled under blankets open windows, and joined throngs of not often Osborne shoppers on a Christmas Saturday, and have plans to see Black Swan with Nicole hopefully this week. Oh pack my plate full of people and experiences that make me smile!
Pick your feet up and move another day. Stop. Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile even though they look away (i always wondered why, although i do both ends). Also why do people not want to talk to you in line? In other cities people are starved for contact. Here we huddle in our established groups too comfortable to reach out and be hungry. Be hungry.
These pictures are from 2009 taken by our talented friend, photographer and jewelery designer Christel Lanthier.
So everything has been pushed back. Not to mention I may take a trip on the rails for the extra cash if they call... makes everything quite busy. Busy is good though. Busy keeps moving, busy changes scenery, busy helps.
I've been thinking about why it's so hard to accept help. It relates to what the circumstances are. When Jude was born or when he was hospitalized, I recognized we needed help and had no problem receiving it, even asking feeling completely justified, a situation all could see required extra hands and hearts. But there seems some shame involved in getting help when you feel overwhelmed and can't pin the problem. Lack of understanding, lack of logical reason to back up your inabilities... And the funny thing is that I have no problem offering and giving every support to my loves when they need it. Nor do I judge them for it. But something about getting hands committed to us during regular times, when it just feels like too much on the plate. I felt really touched by the number of people who truly offered help and love when I posted yesterday I was sick of being a mother. Understandings of exactly how normal those feelings are and that I don't love my son any less... the trials of this month too much without a break.
A final disappointment was the cancellation (ok, postponement! but it felt as bad) of our girls spa night at the Fort Garry with my mom and sisters. Didn't want to risk getting the sisters sick and had to cancel with 48hours... I cried through disappointment. But I cut my hair again, and got my nails done with my gorgeous sister Mimi during a night off courtesy of my amazing friend April, and chatted with Celindy and Jason and Alex while watching Corydon traffic meander by their sunroom cuddled under blankets open windows, and joined throngs of not often Osborne shoppers on a Christmas Saturday, and have plans to see Black Swan with Nicole hopefully this week. Oh pack my plate full of people and experiences that make me smile!
Pick your feet up and move another day. Stop. Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile even though they look away (i always wondered why, although i do both ends). Also why do people not want to talk to you in line? In other cities people are starved for contact. Here we huddle in our established groups too comfortable to reach out and be hungry. Be hungry.
December 15, 2010
not for prudish eyes
I spent a couple nights ago browsing The Bloggess' sex column which resulted in me posting all sorts of weird links to Facebook, including gingerbread ovaries and craigslist ads for mutual jerking partners, no gays need apply. My absolute favorite the guy who wanted to redo Michael Jackson's Beat It says "we will basically play Beat It over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting". Oh boy... at least there's of internet to keep me entertained with when stuck at home.
But this absolutely blew me away. It's gorgeous and strange, an Amauta Lab short film porn of a blind woman in the woods and a lumberjack. And the actors wear full body knitted suits so they look like living dolls. It's completely bizarre but so well done, I just kept wondering who thought up this idea and sold it to their friends, built a soundstage, found actors and lighting and did the work to make this crazy plushie porn so good! You can learn more about them here.
Five am found me crying on the bathroom floor getting sick. I can't even believe how terrible this month has been. Three entire weeks of being sick or caring for sick people, no relief in sight. Brought Jude to visit his Grandma last night so Chris and I could finally finish Christmas shopping, last minute at a mall I don't enjoy frequenting... No way around it having left it too long to hit the independent craft sales and such. And a passing of germs, hers to us and vice versa, our respective illnesses NOW known to be different, since we both were sent back to being sick sick sick. And a cancellation for our girls getaway this Friday. December blows hard this year. Let's just skip over the rest of the month and move on already.
I am working hard every day to keep moving stay positive know there is an end even if the road seems endless. These walls contain us marinated in sick of home.
As I write this Samara is getting naked in my upstairs loft for her Christmas Cherrystems set :) A party with Bing Crosby and drinks and Christmas trees and nudity. My self-imposed exile on the main floor internet glow sipping water determined to stop from pulling anyone else down this rabbit hole of illness. Can't wait to see the pics though!!!
But this absolutely blew me away. It's gorgeous and strange, an Amauta Lab short film porn of a blind woman in the woods and a lumberjack. And the actors wear full body knitted suits so they look like living dolls. It's completely bizarre but so well done, I just kept wondering who thought up this idea and sold it to their friends, built a soundstage, found actors and lighting and did the work to make this crazy plushie porn so good! You can learn more about them here.
Five am found me crying on the bathroom floor getting sick. I can't even believe how terrible this month has been. Three entire weeks of being sick or caring for sick people, no relief in sight. Brought Jude to visit his Grandma last night so Chris and I could finally finish Christmas shopping, last minute at a mall I don't enjoy frequenting... No way around it having left it too long to hit the independent craft sales and such. And a passing of germs, hers to us and vice versa, our respective illnesses NOW known to be different, since we both were sent back to being sick sick sick. And a cancellation for our girls getaway this Friday. December blows hard this year. Let's just skip over the rest of the month and move on already.
I am working hard every day to keep moving stay positive know there is an end even if the road seems endless. These walls contain us marinated in sick of home.
As I write this Samara is getting naked in my upstairs loft for her Christmas Cherrystems set :) A party with Bing Crosby and drinks and Christmas trees and nudity. My self-imposed exile on the main floor internet glow sipping water determined to stop from pulling anyone else down this rabbit hole of illness. Can't wait to see the pics though!!!
December 13, 2010
I am shunned
Well, not me exactly. A part of me. What a sad feeling to have him turn away from the breast and look his nose down at me derisively "I don't WANT that". I hope this byproduct of sore tummy and sore mouth turns around soon because to say goodbye to our nursing relationship would be sad.... I know it will be sad whenever it leaves, that you are never really ready to stop holding and cuddling and staring into his eyes so many times a day. Never ready to kiss goodbye pudgy hands exploring my lips, mouth, face while filling his belly. Noses an especially large fascination - a finger stretched to touch Mama's nose, Jude's nose, Mama's nose, Jude's nose.
Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.
**
In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.
What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...
I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)
Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.
**
In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.
What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...
I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)
December 10, 2010
my house does not smell nice
Oh sick, when will you leave us?
When you arrived on our doorstep in time for my birthday celebration, i knew you were overdue, grimaced and bore it. You dallied between coughs and sleeplessness and aches and sore tummies. You gave us days of reprieve where things seemed to be improving only to throw us back on the mat after one bad night. It's honestly been two and a half weeks of slowly slowly fighting our way back to normal with not an inch gained. Just in time for the busiest time of year. How many plans will I end up canceling over the next few weeks?
The babe threw up all day today, on the rug on the couch on himself on the bed on mom on our clothes. And then he blew out his diaper dripping liquid poo all over the same rug (thank goodness we haven't cleaned it recently!) All the more incentive for a massive cleaning after this is over... A hot mess of arms and legs slept fitfully on my chest all day. We watched obscene amounts of television (thank you Netflix) and tried getting liquids into him bit by bit. The vomitfest required three loads of laundry today. Oh joyous day. At least he slept, at least we cuddled and cared for him as best we could, at least when dad called from work he listened and talked more than ever before, at least when putting him to sleep, bare chest to bare chest, I felt him squirming and prepared for another puke only to be surprised by a sleeping laughing babe, pure laughter falling from tired lips dreaming of happy days. At least he sleeps knowing mama watches and a whimper brings me to his side. I love you my babe.
When you arrived on our doorstep in time for my birthday celebration, i knew you were overdue, grimaced and bore it. You dallied between coughs and sleeplessness and aches and sore tummies. You gave us days of reprieve where things seemed to be improving only to throw us back on the mat after one bad night. It's honestly been two and a half weeks of slowly slowly fighting our way back to normal with not an inch gained. Just in time for the busiest time of year. How many plans will I end up canceling over the next few weeks?
The babe threw up all day today, on the rug on the couch on himself on the bed on mom on our clothes. And then he blew out his diaper dripping liquid poo all over the same rug (thank goodness we haven't cleaned it recently!) All the more incentive for a massive cleaning after this is over... A hot mess of arms and legs slept fitfully on my chest all day. We watched obscene amounts of television (thank you Netflix) and tried getting liquids into him bit by bit. The vomitfest required three loads of laundry today. Oh joyous day. At least he slept, at least we cuddled and cared for him as best we could, at least when dad called from work he listened and talked more than ever before, at least when putting him to sleep, bare chest to bare chest, I felt him squirming and prepared for another puke only to be surprised by a sleeping laughing babe, pure laughter falling from tired lips dreaming of happy days. At least he sleeps knowing mama watches and a whimper brings me to his side. I love you my babe.
December 9, 2010
winter wonderland (partial nudity warning!)
A new set for Cherrystems! I had a blast shooting with Darren from Solalta Photo. Although after coming up with the idea on a warm Monday night walk around residential Corydon, blasting Radiohead while watching headlights and houselights feet striding snowy sidewalks, I had some serious reconsiderations... The temperature dropped and I bussed frozen streets icy breath fogging heavy air. It was cold, cold COLD and I wondered what the hell I was thinking going outside for a nude winter shoot. I worried until the morning of and was still undecided as to whether we'd go ahead. And luckily, a BEAUTIFUL day. Drove out to a deserted Labarrier Park, quickly stripped and together we got a great set. Which goes up Friday Dec 10th on Cherrystems.com. Hope everyone enjoys a little cold weather Winnipeg nudity!
December 2, 2010
money. and photos. and cold. oh my
oh my, so much accomplished yesterday. We finally (no use putting it off anymore with layoff here and soon to be no proof to the bank of employment) changed our bank loan to cover all the crap we've been accumulating on the credit card, pay off my student loan and have a little left over for photography fun. It means another few years of paying off debt instead of being finished next Christmas like we'd planned... but either way, it was necessary. The accident last fall was a blow to our financial plans... new car, weeks without work, Chris losing his job due to the dick running Fentons (please continue to support our boycott of any Fentons establishments at the Forks - it makes a HUGE difference and his business has certainly suffered due to it. If you're unfamiliar with the story, I'll fill you in... perhaps another blog to remind all...). The upside was we spent ample time together as a family, learning how to work with each other and spending that important first year bonding. But financially... not the best.
So the new plan is to consolidate all debts in one place... conveniently lowering payments at layoff time. Yay! I really only had another 16 months left to pay on my student loan and initially kept it up for the low interest rate and income tax rebate on interest. Now, considering my interest is only about 10$ a month, it doesn't amount to much. So this morning, one lump sum payment and NO MORE STUDENT LOAN!!! :) Excited all by myself in the living room.
And. AND! I signed up for the PrairieView photography 1 course I've been wanting to take for years! It means rushed plans to buy a camera before Jan 3. Evenings learning all the stuff I've tried to soak in from books and on my own, to no avail. Hopefully the classroom setting/asking questions/practice will help. Having a friend along for the ride will be fun too ;)
A crazy day yesterday... playgroups and visits and bank appointments and pickups and lunch with hubby. I was exhausted from the beginning but somehow managed to enjoy myself through everything. The cutest babe in the world contentedly nursing and showing off his new moves after an afternoon away... Sweet.
So the new plan is to consolidate all debts in one place... conveniently lowering payments at layoff time. Yay! I really only had another 16 months left to pay on my student loan and initially kept it up for the low interest rate and income tax rebate on interest. Now, considering my interest is only about 10$ a month, it doesn't amount to much. So this morning, one lump sum payment and NO MORE STUDENT LOAN!!! :) Excited all by myself in the living room.
And. AND! I signed up for the PrairieView photography 1 course I've been wanting to take for years! It means rushed plans to buy a camera before Jan 3. Evenings learning all the stuff I've tried to soak in from books and on my own, to no avail. Hopefully the classroom setting/asking questions/practice will help. Having a friend along for the ride will be fun too ;)
A crazy day yesterday... playgroups and visits and bank appointments and pickups and lunch with hubby. I was exhausted from the beginning but somehow managed to enjoy myself through everything. The cutest babe in the world contentedly nursing and showing off his new moves after an afternoon away... Sweet.
This face...
Checking out Kristy's phone
I wonder who took a bite out of this chocolate bar.... through the wrapper ;)
This is what my bag looks like these days
The best last three letters left in a game of Scrabble
Helping Dad cook in the kitchen
This face... warm body pressed to mine... happiness
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