sunset field

I would love to make love in a field, surrounded by grasses and rushes three feet high, invisible from the road in a world completely your own.

this is where I've walked to, just down the road from the cottage. Scaled a fence and trespassed into fields buffeted by winds as the sun sets slowly over Lac du Bonnet. I needed this time, to relax, to be alone, to walk without aim or effort. i feel hidden, lost from sight as wind caresses nude feet, softly edging over soles too often treaded and forgotten.

I may be discovered. oh well. had heard the truck moving down the road, searching me out. will see if steps approach, apologize and meekly escape to the road, and home.

searching, searching.

if only he would call out to me i would sit and face my dues... or would i? hard to say as i see him stride not twenty feet away and call out - what? What?! then the truck starts up. drives around the bend and stops. are you drawing me out, was this a terribly bad idea? if so, couldn't you call to me rather then drive up and down the road, searching me out? unless that wasn't the idea but you came into the field, looking looking.

i stayed low, waiting quietly. if this was cow pasture the grasses would be trampled, if bulls lived here and i feared for my life the signs would be visible. i strode far enough from the road to lay hidden as you patrolled the field, clearly having seen me enter. to stop me, for what reason other than to protect your field i don't know. protect from what, from whom? to scare me? to catch me? i lay here, ready to be caught or to wait for darkness and creep out.



** i don't have a photo of me to accompany this post. every picture of me is in relation to others

two already??

So much for having more time for myself, for life, for everything once work fully swung into place! One day I will realize that long languid days no longer exist, that pressing matters I somewhat successfully put out of mind only create more stress as they sit undone, those twinges reminding me of everything uncrossed on my neverending to-do list.

He isn't napping, today. I can hear him shuffling in the room, loud soother sucking, tossing blankets around and thumbing books. Most days naps are easy. Once we finally came back onto routine after a first hit when mom returned to the road followed by a train trip that further lost sleep routines. They came with me, both boys as mama worked a quiet takeout trip. Loads of time to snuggle and play, have my boy curious around me and an expected quiet trip where i could see them. "what a dedicated via employee, going out of her way to play with the kids" one of two incredibly goodlooking french men traveling in coach said that trip. "umm, it looks to me that they resemble each other a lot... i think that's her kid" said the other obviously more astute of the pair. I can't really see sitting with a pyjama'd blond tired mop reading bedtime stories in my takeout corner for random coach children... dedicated employee indeed.

But he shuffles today, restless and not tired/too tired. i know those days. your body needs the rest but your limbs move, you can't settle. He's been cranky, a little tired and listless but still releasing the bounds of energy his body needs to burn off. Yesterday brought the largest sustained meltdown yet and still early in the morning, well before the naptime crankiness usually begins. He cried hysterically at a friends, through the house and into the car. five minutes of sitting in the car while he bucked to avoid bring buckled throwing his strong body around. Howling continued the entire ride home, 11am down Osborne with the windows down and insistent yelps and cries from the backseat. it continued into the house only and finally subsisted as we threw him into bed with his rabbitty and baby, the familiar comforts of bed and milk too much to resist.

Today sleep doesn't come easy. I give advil knowing he's badly cutting a tooth and not feeling his best, hoping the relief will allow his body to rest. I read an extra book, tuck him in extra tight, firmly return him to his bed nine times. finally i lay down beside him, his body strumming. legs kick out arms reaching to play, to hit, to touch, he can't still himself. 'Stop' i say 'No more moving'. and 'if you want mom to lay down with you, stop moving'. i remind him a few times and finally stretch my body to contain him in every way, legs covered by mine, arms around holding hands still, elbow tucked into my side. my head rests on his to hold him still completely as he fights then gives in, drifting off to sleep nearly as soon as the body is forced to a calm state.

Today it is his birthday! Two years old, already. Already? they all say. and Doesn't the time pass so fast? Yes and yes, i have to agree with both. But today we cut his hair. Took him to a barber downtown for his first outside haircut. A bus ride and exploring downtown skywalks led us there where Wally set him on a board and worked quickly while Jude scowled. What's this business? i could see him thinking. We must have looked so happy and excited for him that he was confused. I'm supposed to like this? hmmm, don't get it. But they seem so happy! oh well, lollipops (loodlepopshhs!) and a kitty from home to snuggle under the cape kept him distracted as did the soother brought specially in case it was needed. Moms always think of this stuff and come prepared with gobs of stuff while Chris said that's why dads always seem so fun and spontaneous because they have to make stuff up on the fly. I might have to agree with that generalization...

in and out of sunshine

the rains been hanging heavy, in and out of sunshine come grey skies, lashing winds. Hasn't felt much like emerging though we keep getting out between rain showers. Plus to not watering the garden! boo to hearing I need nylons over my cabbages to stop the worms from overtaking them (thanks for the tip Christel!). One more thing to attend to in this yard. I love it... but it's so much work to keep at a barely adequate level!

Vancouver = surviving on very little sleep. seven nights with five hours or less per night. wow how to continue operating night after day after night...

Winnipeg = cutting and cutting and cutting grass, weeds, branches... a boy suddenly rising in the night for cuddles and sleeping with mom. What happened to our good sleeper? Oh we had a good, easy run for a while there. Believing ourselves so lucky, and we were, that he happily bedded down not rising til the sun. Now he cries out at 2 or more often opens his door, climbs the stairs and clamours over dad to get between, the warmest, coziest spot. We never minded him in our bed but staying asleep becomes a chore when he's happy and wiggly and awake. So how to change back? I know the disruption mama on the road brings and the excitement craving contact he has when I'm home. But I couldn't close him in his room, bringing him back to bed and letting him cry in the night. And I'm done when I lay down in that purple sheeted twin bed, curled around my son sharing space with two pillows, a bear and a rabbit, various soothers and an empty bottle. Then we sleep curled together breathing each other's warmth. I had missed those nighttime moments during the couple months he shunned me from his bed. What to do...

I have a number of Cherrystems sets in the waiting... a yoga themed set for me when all schedules connect. Waiting to shoot a sinatra crooner style strip once we find a good location - anyone know of stages/piano rooms/etc where we might stage this? Also looking for a sixties office/den to do a comic book shoot. If you have ideas or want to brainstorm locations let me know. I'm fearing getting pegged shooting males only... I'm loving experimenting with willing male models to get great nudes but would super love to collaborate with girls as well. I gotta schedule me some shoots because now that I have the time and the means to edit my photos, i don't have anything scheduled to work on! Isn't that always the way life takes you.

In only one month my sister will be a mama too... i can't believe she's passed this journey so fast, already in her final month, breathing yoga meditations and planning her midwife homebirth in a cozy st vital rental with boyfriend. Both parents to be were homebirth babies and are now hoping theirs will join the list. What a transition to see them travel this year... anxious. methodical. calmly awaiting their new love. And before we know it

Mimi the intrepid traveler has all the experiences and stories one would hope from traveling the world. Trekking Nepal to Everest base camp, without guides or porters... altitude sickness, getting briefly lost on the mountain, new intense friendships. elephants, scooters, beaches at night. What more could you ask than an emergence into new worlds. I wish she could stay months more and in same I'll be anxiously awaiting her figure down the stairs!

This is gonna be a summertime of fun. We're planning a second birthday party for the end of month... then there's :
Teddy Bear's picnic (check)
Kildonan Park's Art in the Park (check)
Pride Weekend (? i leave sunday night, possibly with the boys in tow! hope to get down during the day) KidsFest (coming up!)
Reopening of the Children's Museum
and so much more... that only brings us to next week! It's going to be a busy full summer and i can't wait. Sunshine and family, patio drinks and nighttime hours, music in the air, giggles and reddened cheeks. I can't wait. My new thrift store sundresses made me happy yesterday, thanks Sew Dandee! So did running in the fields with the cutest blond head and flashing smile while my hat flapped in the wind. Blowing dandelions all over the city.

Quoi d'autre... we have borrowed a cat, again, to get rid of our mouse problem, again. The windows stay open every night and the thunderstorm crashing through our loft bedroom was a rare treat. I can't wait to experience this month and i wish it could slow dow n

facebook and changing memories...

i went through my facebook profile photos yesterday... looking back at the way I chose to remember and represent myself the past few years. remembering moments and what I was doing then. facebook has starting including every email you've ever wrote someone when you message them. which is strange to see communications over years, some long some simply recurring... a record of the contacts and histories you have with someone.

facebook will change the way my son knows me. he'll see the photos of him I've posted and the loving, exasperated non stop appreciations of his being. i feel torn about posting photos and stories to the world then simply want to explore more. the catharsis of figuring things out while writing them, the weighing in from friends and others about issues, the understanding of our lives others have without being in constant contact. Then there's the ability to look back and see your feelings at that moment. But these things my son will read which weighs in. Hmmm, secret diary open to the world. Living a life of honesty, free and open. What will it bring?

(my facebook photo today. mon amour et Rabbity)

spring!

getting home greenery crowded from all sides. It's lush and overgrown, an explosion from before we left. Though we'd just cut the grass it needed it again. The front window framed in green that were only buds one week ago. now I need the hot heat that lush yards should bring. The rain has left everything damp indoors but cool, our 1903 home always good at staying cool despite large windows... i feel i live in savannah when our yard drips tendrils and pinecones, apple trees blossoms and crabgrass that won't be annihilated. the garage falling down slowly reclaimed by trees and rabbits... a mishmash firepit, random stepping stones half sunk in mossy carpet. I love our yard despite overturned earthworm ground that always feels rough underfoot, dandelion garden competing grass and clover underfoot. I love our giant pine sheltering robins and jays and little boys running underneath... the left behind dog house a perfect two year old size as they hide and giggle inside. soon the garden will flourish and the evening rays will smell of basil and mint once more.

We spend as much time as we can outside though the heat hasn't appeared again... my bean is exploding in cuddles and happiness at our time together, washing dishes side by side, checking construction and trucks at the corner, running circles around a mama maypole body tense with energy. I know it'll be busy, fitting visits and yardwork and housework and shows... but each moment will be fun and worth the craziness :)

my end of the world

follows as any other day. A rainy vancouver long weekend where I actually stayed in for hours resting as I should most layovers. The allure of the city draws me out to wander and explore. I stayed in bed for hours after arriving late to non stop drizzle through bright skies. Time to work, time to catch up on emails never sent and union work sitting in my lap for months. Time to reconnect with old friends, time to lay my head down while saturday drains away from me. Enjoying restful afternoon in my 9th floor hotel room watching pigeons court the dames.

Tonight I'll hit the town with a friend from Van and see where the night leads. Today I rested my soul and took time. 

Those VIA lads and ladies who left recently will miss the sunny afternoons in the baggage car, doors slid wide as valleys and mountains slide past and the air rushes in. Disheveled return to coach hair askew smelling of smoke and mountain winds. They'll miss random nighttime conversations when you sit listening to traveler tales. I sat in the dark hearing Tyson Kerr's compositions after seeing him transcribe music across the prairies. The world slid past as you pause.

S

whoa

WHOA!

too much this April! I call quits. Can we fast forward to June?

It's not that things aren't fantastic. They are. To look at how much we are doing and how much fun we're having, it's insanely good. My life is pretty darn wonderful. Except all that work to get to wonderful, the minutia of every day drowning me in lists and must-do's, with looming deadlines nonetheless!! Taxes which haven't been done yet (along with last years... shhh! Christ i really really need to get on it). The garden sits waiting to be tended and raked and prepared for another fruitful year. Warming weather shopping pressure reminds you of all the preparations before we can really enjoy the pending summer. Add preps for back on the train that have hovered all month in anticipation of changes and mama's head feels full of rolling marbles all day and night.

I finally hit up the doctors after months of family concern over my stomach issues and losing weight (definitely a good side benefit, but the feeling sick and hardly eating sure doesn't do much for my health and ability to weather). So the rounds of blood tests and gastroentorologist appts begin anew... Last time I went through this I had high expectations of finding out the reason and making changes to be healthy again. That fell flat after months of rounds and hopes to only be told "you have (insert catch all digestive syndrome here). We don't know what causes it. There is nothing to do except wait out an attack, which can last weeks to months to years. We don't know what can cause a relapse. There is nothing you can do". As you can tell, my hopes are not high for a different outcome this time!!!

However, to rule out ovarian cancer and upper GI infections and on and on we shall begin anew. Here are my recommendations as we wait for results: 

1. low carb diet. Fairly easy to uphold since I don't really feel like eating anything. although I have been trying to eat carbs to maintain my current weight. Hopefully that doesn't plummet as I start limiting my already limited diet, especially since I've already borrowed all my sisters' skinny clothes! I need three full wardrobes, i think. One for my heavy weight, my usual weight and my skinny weight. About 40lbs worth of difference means if you want to actually look good in your clothes you need stuff that actually fits no matter your size.
2. 20 mins of exercise daily. brisk walk, bike ride, intense sexual activity??? I think that counts!! lol. Sticking to this one is fairly easy considering the amount of running after a wild toddler I do.
3. lay off the weed for a month. hmmm, that should be interesting to see how it turns out. My family doctor has heard all and isn't judgmental which is great when it comes to disclosing lifestyle information. So when I explained my usual eating habits - nothing in the morning unless I can force down a smoothie, perhaps a bit of snacking during the day and usually feeling full until dinnertime. But at night I can eat my only full meal of the day. And when I smoke in the evening, munchies guarantee I'll get at least 2/3 of the calories I should take in. Now without that extra push, we'll see if I can manage to eat at all. This should be an interesting May...

So that's where that is.  Let the fun begin?