always take the weather with you

The weather has turned, cruelly banishing bathing suits and lack of... it's time for sweaters and heavy socks, cuddling for warmth. There are things I love about this weather - baking sweets with my little helper, teaching measuring and filling, mixing and dumping. Earl Grey tea with heavy cream and honey warming cold fingers. It's always the fingertips... awkward typing with shivering fingertips, only from the knuckles down. Silly winnipeg cold forcing me to turn on the heat. I resisted all day after getting home thinking the days would warm our old house. Sadly no and the heat went today.

 


 Goodbye Toronto beaches, ferrying over to Hanlan for sunshine and sand, climbing trees wandering rare grass quiet not often found in TO. These last few trips will fly by before layoff, perhaps heading westwards once more. New crews to finish off the year with and friends not seen all summer. I enjoyed my summer, though conflicted around liking my crew and half spareboard fill-ins. It felt like hardly working, especially with an entire August off after toe break 2011...

 These last couple trips back have been great. Sunny skies through still green shield, coach and night duty easy trips. I slid among harried crew, smiling offering support. read, watched, edited, looked, hid, conversed. made friends. avoided others. Always dancing, still fresh among all the extra'd non stop working crew. Money money, how can i acquire more?? But I'd rather time at home, time with my boys and to enjoy the heat. Time to stroll Assiniboine Park, swim Pinawa Beach, enjoy Exchange festivals... Winter hides me inside and if I were away all summer? When to enjoy??

 Christel and Joey got married this past weekend after ten years together. The wedding was fantastic, of course, every detail lovingly brought out through friends and family. The support that glues a couple together and holds them. I remember reading a piece a few years back comparing north american divorce statistics with other emerging countries, such as India. Apart from societal expectations put in place around marriage, a key piece to marital happiness revolved around expectations partners had for each other. Here we've been raised to expect that your spouse completes you, your lives revolve around each other and they should fulfill every part of you. Whereas other cultures pride their extended families, sisters, friends and others with filling some of those needs. It's a heavy burden to place on a spouse to fulfill every need singlehandedly, one that can be easily shared when we have good people in our lives. In the end, seeing all the love come together to celebrate these two, who've literally grown up together and decided they still love each other most, was inspiring. I knew I would cry and surely did as she canoed to the beach with her father and sister. I was so glad we could share her day!

Quel septembre. Quel changements de saison, de plus 30 degres a moins 2 dans des jours!
Silly and strange. That's how I like my septembres.

What the?

I've had even less time than I'd thought to keep up with everything this summer. Certainly this blog, friends we haven't seen enough of and family the same. But, it's been a very full summer. full to brimming. Writing comes hard these days even during the few slow moments I've had. Something is brewing, hanging back out of sight... i hope to discover it during my escape eastwards at layoff. Some much needed time alone, mornings to sleep and move through uncharted days.

Working on the road I always feel guilty for the time I'm already away. Though I've needed time away, alone since nearly the spring, it's only now coming together. So I escape (which will likely be read badly, negatively). It will be here before I know, only handfuls of trips left. Hardly anything before I'll head to Quebec City mid november. The plan, to blow through Toronto and nearly completely Montreal to train QC interior. Stop a base in Quebec City, rent a car and drive around for a few days eating well, exploring alone... Ahhh, i can't wait. Somewhere I know nearly no one, though the guilt for not stopping in on family in Montreal has already plagued me. Is this the mother's cliche, guilt for everything always? Sounds so ladies journal.

Some plans will have to slowly come together, searching a good couchsurfing match in the city for one. And finding a car... i wonder if i can avoid rental agencies. all things to figure out.


J'adore le premier jour du retour.
It's the perfect day. i am welcomed by my boys, picked up by 1030. We play, unpack the suitcase and fix lunch. Then it's time to continue routine and put J down for a nap. Never with us, too much a change to his expectations (and he does go down amazingly well as long as it's mostly the same). We've cottaged at different outposts, overnighted at both sides of grandparents, stayed in tents and with large groups. He goes down easily or lays there playing quietly, periodically getting loud and requiring rebuke. That nap is so necessary! I can't understand parents whose kids outgrow naps early. Here's to hoping he naps up to kindergarten.

So we get some quiet time, relax reconnect watch shows or collapse exhaustedly into sleep. If I do, I'll sleep hard. Then afternoon cuddles return, along with usually sending dad off to work. We make dinner, do something fun like baking together and end up strolling to the park in hoodies and him in rubber boots. his choice. It's the perfect day. i get all arranged if it isn't already. Start prep for the week at home. A perfect stay around home recover and time with my little guy uninterrupted.

c'est parfait

body rebellion

Fuck my broken toe. Fuck my infected cyst, painful and worrying before knowing what it was. Fuck the rash accompanying antibiotics that shouldn't have triggered allergies, but did. Up and down arms, itching like crazy and unsightly in the summertime. Nevermind the rashes dotting my body because the bruises mottling my legs are scary enough. Fuck scratching my large toe and forming an infection on there as well. Fuck my period and my stomach issues, everything combining at once. This body rebels against me! For fuck's sake

I kicked the wall last night accidentally, turning the corner too quickly and slamming my baby toe into the door jamb. The pain overwhelmed so I hopped up and down, a jude dancing between my feet thinking this show a funny prelude to bedtime. But my toe stuck out scarily, 90 degrees out from my foot. I felt faint as blood rushed through me, shaking as I hobbled to bed, worried he would request the longest books and I wouldn't make it through them. We sped through the shortest bedtime stories possible, surprised he didn't hear the nerves in my voice and the shaking through my body as he settled quietly. When the door closed behind me the sobs escaped and I made it to the phone before collapsing in tears on the couch. Of course I'm alone and pissed/freaked/scared. Now I've really done it. When I broke it last month, a fracture I assumed, i was careful but didn't worry much. But now as it sticks out sideways from my foot, knowing I've really broken it badly, that my vacation will suck ass hobbling around carefully, that i won't be able to run after my boy at the cottage and jump in the lake. That our moving things around and other stresses will suffer from me not being able to do as much as I want. And it hurts! And he will jump on it and touch it and otherwise make it difficult to avoid hurting it again. My poor toe...

I've been working on breathing these last few difficult weeks. On allowing stresses to wash through me and not to overwhelm, to take on only as much as I can handle and let the rest fall off. Every time I feel angry as things don't develop the way I want I step back. Breathe. Remind myself that it's ok and not to let my bad mood permeate everything else. Not to let my bad mood take hold at all.

This universe is testing my resolve to improve my stress and anger. Every time i successfully make it through another train trip, another argument, another hiccup in our minutely planned out schedule I am thrown more. More to test me, more to breathe through and accept. Push, push. Accept. Relax. I can do this. I can make it through you fucking up my summer and my body. Crying helps. As do brief moments of rest, moments to myself. Reflection. Easy summer days. Relax.

we went to ballet

Ballet in the park, a tradition since the 70s we were reminded, to bring the community together and show off our world-class ballet in training. Though it was lauded intensely it lived to expectations, children sitting in parents' laps, singles, hipsters with dog, families, wheelchairs, couples... Everyone happy to be out a gorgeous clear eve, children tuckered from a play at the nature playground.

We went early but still parked far at six as others thought the same. Hard to tell any uptick in kids since the playground is always full and in use. What a difference! What a paradise as kids. He ran out his energy, sliding faster than ever in pants and shoes not catching on the steep drop slide. Once the sand and water was discovered we went no further, shoes and socks off, dump truck happily appropriated and more good messy fun every minute. Learning how to play side by side, to watch for others as he ran and to wait turns at the slide. Hard concepts to teach a two year old at times but we are moving there, though hands still flail out and smack mom when hurt or unhappy with what he hears. The behaviour still young, my sometimes baby, but understanding so much he often delights me. Today he knew when I told him dogs can't eat peanut butter, that dogs eat bones and dog food and meat but that peanut butter is no good for dogs. This as he intended to go offer his snack, he turned upset by what I'd told him to smack my glasses off. No, i told him, you Don't hit. Mama doesn't like that. You are mad, but you can't hit me. 

But when the music started and the dancers emerged he stood focused watching. His eyes glued he stood right close to me but stared intently at the stage, delighted and excited by the jumping and spins. My little dancer whose body moves non-stop. He stops his day at a good song and stands to wave hands and bend over, bopping and moving to music. This he did at the show, between sitting quietly in my lap, hugging and laying down watching the sky and simply standing, staring at the dancers. His interest was so intent I couldn't believe at only two he would watch so closely. 

We funnily ended up sitting with friends, not realizing until we both arrived at the same patch of grass. I carried jude and his snack as we aimed for an open spot in the middle of the crowd, perfectly in line with the stage. We arrived at the same time and i'd said "i think there might be room for us to share" before hearing my name and looking up to see the sharers were sisters I work with and her two children. So funny without looking for friends you end up together. And lovely to chat with her slightly older children and see what comes next. 

Before the ending and mass exodus of people i packed my very tired boy into a hardly used mei-tei wrap and carried my monkey back through the playground. Remembering the rows of swings, the slowly disappearing slides and monkey bars that made up the shell... and now a fantastic use of space clearly well paid for. How lucky we are to take in so much for free. Lucky :)

sunset field

I would love to make love in a field, surrounded by grasses and rushes three feet high, invisible from the road in a world completely your own.

this is where I've walked to, just down the road from the cottage. Scaled a fence and trespassed into fields buffeted by winds as the sun sets slowly over Lac du Bonnet. I needed this time, to relax, to be alone, to walk without aim or effort. i feel hidden, lost from sight as wind caresses nude feet, softly edging over soles too often treaded and forgotten.

I may be discovered. oh well. had heard the truck moving down the road, searching me out. will see if steps approach, apologize and meekly escape to the road, and home.

searching, searching.

if only he would call out to me i would sit and face my dues... or would i? hard to say as i see him stride not twenty feet away and call out - what? What?! then the truck starts up. drives around the bend and stops. are you drawing me out, was this a terribly bad idea? if so, couldn't you call to me rather then drive up and down the road, searching me out? unless that wasn't the idea but you came into the field, looking looking.

i stayed low, waiting quietly. if this was cow pasture the grasses would be trampled, if bulls lived here and i feared for my life the signs would be visible. i strode far enough from the road to lay hidden as you patrolled the field, clearly having seen me enter. to stop me, for what reason other than to protect your field i don't know. protect from what, from whom? to scare me? to catch me? i lay here, ready to be caught or to wait for darkness and creep out.



** i don't have a photo of me to accompany this post. every picture of me is in relation to others

two already??

So much for having more time for myself, for life, for everything once work fully swung into place! One day I will realize that long languid days no longer exist, that pressing matters I somewhat successfully put out of mind only create more stress as they sit undone, those twinges reminding me of everything uncrossed on my neverending to-do list.

He isn't napping, today. I can hear him shuffling in the room, loud soother sucking, tossing blankets around and thumbing books. Most days naps are easy. Once we finally came back onto routine after a first hit when mom returned to the road followed by a train trip that further lost sleep routines. They came with me, both boys as mama worked a quiet takeout trip. Loads of time to snuggle and play, have my boy curious around me and an expected quiet trip where i could see them. "what a dedicated via employee, going out of her way to play with the kids" one of two incredibly goodlooking french men traveling in coach said that trip. "umm, it looks to me that they resemble each other a lot... i think that's her kid" said the other obviously more astute of the pair. I can't really see sitting with a pyjama'd blond tired mop reading bedtime stories in my takeout corner for random coach children... dedicated employee indeed.

But he shuffles today, restless and not tired/too tired. i know those days. your body needs the rest but your limbs move, you can't settle. He's been cranky, a little tired and listless but still releasing the bounds of energy his body needs to burn off. Yesterday brought the largest sustained meltdown yet and still early in the morning, well before the naptime crankiness usually begins. He cried hysterically at a friends, through the house and into the car. five minutes of sitting in the car while he bucked to avoid bring buckled throwing his strong body around. Howling continued the entire ride home, 11am down Osborne with the windows down and insistent yelps and cries from the backseat. it continued into the house only and finally subsisted as we threw him into bed with his rabbitty and baby, the familiar comforts of bed and milk too much to resist.

Today sleep doesn't come easy. I give advil knowing he's badly cutting a tooth and not feeling his best, hoping the relief will allow his body to rest. I read an extra book, tuck him in extra tight, firmly return him to his bed nine times. finally i lay down beside him, his body strumming. legs kick out arms reaching to play, to hit, to touch, he can't still himself. 'Stop' i say 'No more moving'. and 'if you want mom to lay down with you, stop moving'. i remind him a few times and finally stretch my body to contain him in every way, legs covered by mine, arms around holding hands still, elbow tucked into my side. my head rests on his to hold him still completely as he fights then gives in, drifting off to sleep nearly as soon as the body is forced to a calm state.

Today it is his birthday! Two years old, already. Already? they all say. and Doesn't the time pass so fast? Yes and yes, i have to agree with both. But today we cut his hair. Took him to a barber downtown for his first outside haircut. A bus ride and exploring downtown skywalks led us there where Wally set him on a board and worked quickly while Jude scowled. What's this business? i could see him thinking. We must have looked so happy and excited for him that he was confused. I'm supposed to like this? hmmm, don't get it. But they seem so happy! oh well, lollipops (loodlepopshhs!) and a kitty from home to snuggle under the cape kept him distracted as did the soother brought specially in case it was needed. Moms always think of this stuff and come prepared with gobs of stuff while Chris said that's why dads always seem so fun and spontaneous because they have to make stuff up on the fly. I might have to agree with that generalization...

in and out of sunshine

the rains been hanging heavy, in and out of sunshine come grey skies, lashing winds. Hasn't felt much like emerging though we keep getting out between rain showers. Plus to not watering the garden! boo to hearing I need nylons over my cabbages to stop the worms from overtaking them (thanks for the tip Christel!). One more thing to attend to in this yard. I love it... but it's so much work to keep at a barely adequate level!

Vancouver = surviving on very little sleep. seven nights with five hours or less per night. wow how to continue operating night after day after night...

Winnipeg = cutting and cutting and cutting grass, weeds, branches... a boy suddenly rising in the night for cuddles and sleeping with mom. What happened to our good sleeper? Oh we had a good, easy run for a while there. Believing ourselves so lucky, and we were, that he happily bedded down not rising til the sun. Now he cries out at 2 or more often opens his door, climbs the stairs and clamours over dad to get between, the warmest, coziest spot. We never minded him in our bed but staying asleep becomes a chore when he's happy and wiggly and awake. So how to change back? I know the disruption mama on the road brings and the excitement craving contact he has when I'm home. But I couldn't close him in his room, bringing him back to bed and letting him cry in the night. And I'm done when I lay down in that purple sheeted twin bed, curled around my son sharing space with two pillows, a bear and a rabbit, various soothers and an empty bottle. Then we sleep curled together breathing each other's warmth. I had missed those nighttime moments during the couple months he shunned me from his bed. What to do...

I have a number of Cherrystems sets in the waiting... a yoga themed set for me when all schedules connect. Waiting to shoot a sinatra crooner style strip once we find a good location - anyone know of stages/piano rooms/etc where we might stage this? Also looking for a sixties office/den to do a comic book shoot. If you have ideas or want to brainstorm locations let me know. I'm fearing getting pegged shooting males only... I'm loving experimenting with willing male models to get great nudes but would super love to collaborate with girls as well. I gotta schedule me some shoots because now that I have the time and the means to edit my photos, i don't have anything scheduled to work on! Isn't that always the way life takes you.

In only one month my sister will be a mama too... i can't believe she's passed this journey so fast, already in her final month, breathing yoga meditations and planning her midwife homebirth in a cozy st vital rental with boyfriend. Both parents to be were homebirth babies and are now hoping theirs will join the list. What a transition to see them travel this year... anxious. methodical. calmly awaiting their new love. And before we know it

Mimi the intrepid traveler has all the experiences and stories one would hope from traveling the world. Trekking Nepal to Everest base camp, without guides or porters... altitude sickness, getting briefly lost on the mountain, new intense friendships. elephants, scooters, beaches at night. What more could you ask than an emergence into new worlds. I wish she could stay months more and in same I'll be anxiously awaiting her figure down the stairs!

This is gonna be a summertime of fun. We're planning a second birthday party for the end of month... then there's :
Teddy Bear's picnic (check)
Kildonan Park's Art in the Park (check)
Pride Weekend (? i leave sunday night, possibly with the boys in tow! hope to get down during the day) KidsFest (coming up!)
Reopening of the Children's Museum
and so much more... that only brings us to next week! It's going to be a busy full summer and i can't wait. Sunshine and family, patio drinks and nighttime hours, music in the air, giggles and reddened cheeks. I can't wait. My new thrift store sundresses made me happy yesterday, thanks Sew Dandee! So did running in the fields with the cutest blond head and flashing smile while my hat flapped in the wind. Blowing dandelions all over the city.

Quoi d'autre... we have borrowed a cat, again, to get rid of our mouse problem, again. The windows stay open every night and the thunderstorm crashing through our loft bedroom was a rare treat. I can't wait to experience this month and i wish it could slow dow n