Single in 2012

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.

Winnipeg ~ too small/small enough ?

Oh my Winnipeg, I do love you. Mind you I can escape your heavily roped restraints anytime I need. And I do need that flight from home turf.

I chose to stay on the edges, never immersing myself too heavily in a scene where I would then become known. Where the same faces floated about you, old interactions and remembered histories clashing with desire for open clean slates. Chose is not a complete story though. Continuous uprooting meant I didn't settled down for long in a space, leaving town and friendships, schools, groups. Rotating into orbits for a time. A time of discovery, of exploring who I was through new friends and the people around me. 

And I missed, of course, walking into a room knowing tons of people. 

But I didn't. And was enjoying relative anonymity. 

Met fleeing this strangling city this fall an experimental filmmaker, complete in bitter loathing for a city that didn't provide him opportunities or recognize him while York University offered full scholarship for his film master, plus chance to teach and work with idols. I argued Winnipeg provided a good place for lots of artists, those who preferred toiling in obscurity and that we foster a great arts/music scene.  Clearly, not for all. For some the scene is incestually small, adult interactions high school reminiscent. 

And my place became clearer still - though I enjoy knowing people I really enjoy being on the fringes... and not knowing everyone. Because as soon as that happens every action becomes noticed. logged to be judged, somehow, later on. 

Going to a show this Friday brought it out. I get to the Pyramid often enough and usually it's packed, though that also tends to be the shows I choose. This was a local show, 60s spy themed. Not too busy, though the music was great and introduced me to superb local group This Hisses. 

Wow! strands of Portishead and Radiohead, rock surf noir. J'adore. Will be out to see them again. And I knew I remembered one of the members from another lifetime at the Red Herring when we were briefly friends. those who spent late nineties nights hanging out there will know. And I knew the singer of the Rockdoras too. Saw some regular scene faces and even the unrecognizable shared quick histories and one degree separation. Shared partners from the past? Too convenient.

What made this too much, almost too much closeness in Winnipeg, is that I haven't been around this scene in nearly twelve years. And still had way too many connections and recognizables around me.

Next time I search a facebook event instead of checking how many people I know going and sending invites, I'll look for the most anonymous of events. Within the same small list of interesting goings-on... wish me luck!

Occupy the world

My travels east are coming to a close. Though I took eight days for myself, eight days to take the train and whirl through toronto, to explore quebec by car and by foot, days for reflection and walking and trespassing (whoops!), there never seems to be enough time. I could have spent my very full days differently and still been just as busy.

One thread that pulled my trip into cohesion were my stops at occupy movements across the east. I wanted to see how each group had settled and what ideas were being brought forward. I wanted to be part  of a global movement that was drawing citizens of all ages and backgrounds. Saturday in Toronto was huge - visitors swelled with an estimated thousands as the park teemed with plans and ideas and music. It was a beautiful day, one of the limited ones left us, and the theme that day was logistical. Should camp relocate? How could they sustain a spread holding two locations? Strategic planning of camp and safety was paramount. Everyone was constantly at the ready for eventual police action. At the time, Occupy London Ontario had been cleared and clashes were happening through the US. By the time I'd moved onto Quebec city the overnight evictions at Wall Street had taken place and we all partially expected action anytime.

In Canada, government and media have not reproached Occupy regarding their rights of assembly, right to peacefully gather, rights of protest. Instead the attacks, the global conversation, is steered away from what the protestors represent into talks of camp safety, cleanliness, making sure every bylaw is followed exactly and searching for ways and reasons to dismantle. I left occupons quebec yesterday feeling buoyed by their organization and winter preparations despite being denied fire (fairly common - occupons montreal is also perservering without fire). This morning they were served notice to dismantle the common kitchen or the city will enter friday am to remove it. OQ had already rebuilt the structure with metal panels after the city ruled plastic walls were unsafe. Now they were ascerting it was a  permanent structure, and such couldn't remain on site. Here is the live camera faced on Occupons Quebec 24/7. (Structure was dismantled early Friday morning. Nov19)

Seeing all the different ideas and areas set up in each occupy were inspiring. A lending library yurt was well stocked in Toronto. The common kitchen kept busy feeding all those who came. General assemblies, daily educational talks, revolutionist music, a crafting area to make signage, a free store, a devotional area.

With the crackdowns faced as cities become irritated with ongoing public occupation, the aesthetics not pleasing, the conversation uncomfortable to many, the direction of this movement remains unclear. What is clear is the conversation has begun. The revolution begins here, with openness and acceptance of other points of view. The multifaceted support and curiosity regarding ideas is clear on the ground, less so in mainstream media which prefers capitalizing on sensationalistic images.

Solidarity! We support you in change.

heavy heavier

That fall slowing has begun. Feeling stagnant and stale, slowed and heavy. I fought acceptance of depression again for weeks. Still stable enough to hold happy facades, i told myself at least i'm not weeping in the corner. At least I'm still functional. Still able to hold together for family and work, while every task grows mountainous before me.

I don't think knowing that I couldn't handle the mountains in front of me turned me towards acceptance. Though retreating and letting it all slide, all that i could attribute to something else. No, acceptance came with small realizations. Had I really been happy at all the last couple months? Had I pulled enjoyment out of the myriad great experiences and moments I'd had?

That's depression's worst steal - without realizing, you are merely existing. The moments might be the same and you may hold together enough to fool most acquaintances (or simply attribute your dip in mood to stress, life circumstances, illness). But enjoyment, that elusive enjoyment... In moments I feel as though I am enjoying myself, but really the investment isn't there. Whether joy is there or not doesn't seem momentous and of any real importance. The same moment could happen and regardless of outcome I'd watch, mimic, observe.

Ahh, what a bane. Slowly medicating to hopefully regain some balance.


And creatively I'm at impasse. Excess of want and no focus, unable to decide/commit/dedicate myself to anything. What to fill my long Winnipeg winter with? Do I take a writing class to focus my energies, play with photographs without clear ideas or continue learning video on my amazing camera... All things that interest me but require some dedication, which I am incapable of.

Layoff looms imminently, a short summer of hardly working and now the season closing too soon. I can't imagine within a few trips my travels will close for the winter and I'll settle into another season of serving and mothering. Where do i fit within this haphazard life that i've built?

I don't have the energy to rail with frustrations. Moving, moving slowly forwards. Asking the universe to fill my head with ideas and energy.

rabb it up

Ian Rabb. I have been seriously hating this name and person since the last civic election. Didn't know much about the candidate, nor cared to when he pulled the sleazy politician's move of plastering his face fifteen feet high over the sides of buildings his family manages for WinPark Dorchester. Such opportunism profiteering from wide open, likely free, space. Ad space that would usually cost you significant dollars, placed huge at oft traveled corners like Main St and River Ave. You couldn't help but repeatedly see his smiling conservative grin.

Living in an apartment, you can be discouraged from even placing an election sign in your window. I said can, most people are allowed and some do place signs, but depending on your location in the building it often won't even be seen. Who has the right to advertise for one candidate on the sides of multiple people's homes because they own/manage the building? You couldn't even place a sign on a lawn for most apartments and his status allows him to use these buildings as his personal billboards? Living there would feel like having your opinion trampled, facing those obnoxious large signs.

And then! When he didn't win against Jenni Gerbasi, the signs came back long before any election was being talked about. Obviously attempting to brand his name into consciousness, recruiting those conservative voters and being repetitively droned into recognition.

So now he's running in the provincial election for Fort Garry/Riverview. Which means as I strolled Fort Garry visiting the family, feeling conspicuously not part of the neighborhood, I saw blue Rabb signs around me, competing with James Allun orange, just a few Kevin Freedman reds. Pretty typical of political representation at that level. And as I reflected about how much I dislike Rabb, an SUV pulled up in front of me. With yet another Ian Rabb face (sticker, this time) reflected off the door, it was hard to avoid his face looking through the window as well. Interesting timing...

So he actually has an interesting history. Former drug addict, cocaine and ecstasy, former escort (for the ladies) who has even acted in porn (gasp! no word on who he partnered), says his decision making skills were twisted by the addiction he fought his entire life. I admire the addiction rehabilitation centres he's set up and overseen, finding his life's grounding in helping others overcome their own addictions. Regardless, the conservation line and crime views he perpetuates doesn't endear him to me.

Don't avoid the vote. Regardless of my views, everyone should put their mind to paper at election time. If you don't know what's going on lots of people care to inform you. Active civic community involvement creates neighbourhoods, amenities we want, traffic decisions that we agree with. Instead of relying on small numbers to make decisions and moaning afterwards, figure out now what matters to you and who would best represent your thoughts. Isn't that what it's about?

always take the weather with you

The weather has turned, cruelly banishing bathing suits and lack of... it's time for sweaters and heavy socks, cuddling for warmth. There are things I love about this weather - baking sweets with my little helper, teaching measuring and filling, mixing and dumping. Earl Grey tea with heavy cream and honey warming cold fingers. It's always the fingertips... awkward typing with shivering fingertips, only from the knuckles down. Silly winnipeg cold forcing me to turn on the heat. I resisted all day after getting home thinking the days would warm our old house. Sadly no and the heat went today.

 


 Goodbye Toronto beaches, ferrying over to Hanlan for sunshine and sand, climbing trees wandering rare grass quiet not often found in TO. These last few trips will fly by before layoff, perhaps heading westwards once more. New crews to finish off the year with and friends not seen all summer. I enjoyed my summer, though conflicted around liking my crew and half spareboard fill-ins. It felt like hardly working, especially with an entire August off after toe break 2011...

 These last couple trips back have been great. Sunny skies through still green shield, coach and night duty easy trips. I slid among harried crew, smiling offering support. read, watched, edited, looked, hid, conversed. made friends. avoided others. Always dancing, still fresh among all the extra'd non stop working crew. Money money, how can i acquire more?? But I'd rather time at home, time with my boys and to enjoy the heat. Time to stroll Assiniboine Park, swim Pinawa Beach, enjoy Exchange festivals... Winter hides me inside and if I were away all summer? When to enjoy??

 Christel and Joey got married this past weekend after ten years together. The wedding was fantastic, of course, every detail lovingly brought out through friends and family. The support that glues a couple together and holds them. I remember reading a piece a few years back comparing north american divorce statistics with other emerging countries, such as India. Apart from societal expectations put in place around marriage, a key piece to marital happiness revolved around expectations partners had for each other. Here we've been raised to expect that your spouse completes you, your lives revolve around each other and they should fulfill every part of you. Whereas other cultures pride their extended families, sisters, friends and others with filling some of those needs. It's a heavy burden to place on a spouse to fulfill every need singlehandedly, one that can be easily shared when we have good people in our lives. In the end, seeing all the love come together to celebrate these two, who've literally grown up together and decided they still love each other most, was inspiring. I knew I would cry and surely did as she canoed to the beach with her father and sister. I was so glad we could share her day!

Quel septembre. Quel changements de saison, de plus 30 degres a moins 2 dans des jours!
Silly and strange. That's how I like my septembres.

What the?

I've had even less time than I'd thought to keep up with everything this summer. Certainly this blog, friends we haven't seen enough of and family the same. But, it's been a very full summer. full to brimming. Writing comes hard these days even during the few slow moments I've had. Something is brewing, hanging back out of sight... i hope to discover it during my escape eastwards at layoff. Some much needed time alone, mornings to sleep and move through uncharted days.

Working on the road I always feel guilty for the time I'm already away. Though I've needed time away, alone since nearly the spring, it's only now coming together. So I escape (which will likely be read badly, negatively). It will be here before I know, only handfuls of trips left. Hardly anything before I'll head to Quebec City mid november. The plan, to blow through Toronto and nearly completely Montreal to train QC interior. Stop a base in Quebec City, rent a car and drive around for a few days eating well, exploring alone... Ahhh, i can't wait. Somewhere I know nearly no one, though the guilt for not stopping in on family in Montreal has already plagued me. Is this the mother's cliche, guilt for everything always? Sounds so ladies journal.

Some plans will have to slowly come together, searching a good couchsurfing match in the city for one. And finding a car... i wonder if i can avoid rental agencies. all things to figure out.


J'adore le premier jour du retour.
It's the perfect day. i am welcomed by my boys, picked up by 1030. We play, unpack the suitcase and fix lunch. Then it's time to continue routine and put J down for a nap. Never with us, too much a change to his expectations (and he does go down amazingly well as long as it's mostly the same). We've cottaged at different outposts, overnighted at both sides of grandparents, stayed in tents and with large groups. He goes down easily or lays there playing quietly, periodically getting loud and requiring rebuke. That nap is so necessary! I can't understand parents whose kids outgrow naps early. Here's to hoping he naps up to kindergarten.

So we get some quiet time, relax reconnect watch shows or collapse exhaustedly into sleep. If I do, I'll sleep hard. Then afternoon cuddles return, along with usually sending dad off to work. We make dinner, do something fun like baking together and end up strolling to the park in hoodies and him in rubber boots. his choice. It's the perfect day. i get all arranged if it isn't already. Start prep for the week at home. A perfect stay around home recover and time with my little guy uninterrupted.

c'est parfait