well well, hello valentines

The future is open, wide open, and who knows where it'll lead. I thought more about valentines day and love this year than in any other. Others when you are loved and held by someone you expect will be beside you for years. There is so much love to show - valentines to be made for children and friends, garlands of hearts and baking cookies to warm the house (and round the belly!). Thank goodness there are multiple feet through this house to keep the tin emptying.

We acquired a roommate, a university student who pads around the house in african kaftans. though we pass mostly during busy days, we stop to discuss cultural beliefs and dating, polygamy, ghosts and which farm most Caribbean and African winnipeg families buy their whole, bone in meat from. Yes our new household is unconventional but so far it is coming along. I can't wait to finish unpacking the final boxes. can't wait to get the final pieces of furniture to fill out this huge space. I can't wait for spring, these tantalizing glimpses of late afternoon sunlight filtering through the kitchen window reminds me of what summer nights will feel like, bbqing off the back steps growing herbs along patches of lit earth. We may have another roommate by then and the rotating cast of characters will hopefully only add to the interesting family quilt we are building. The other day I was reminded of couchsurfing and of finally having the space available to host travellers again. Maybe our friends close by will realize they are always welcome to knock on the door, come share a glass of wine or sparkling water and be always in our lives.

It is mid february and before I know it the trains will start chugging along again for me. two months before live shifts again. for now the shift is working easy work, pop soda's coffeehouse and never knowing what atmosphere I'll step into - folk afternoon music. confrontational slam poetry. wild queer dance party. family art day. The clientele is everyone, the atmosphere always welcoming. It's rare to want to hang out in your workplace when not required to be there. So far the work isn't ruining the enjoyment of it.

Some days are still roaring and busy, but others are freeing. This adjustment into "parttime" parenting is strange. though we live together still so we can all see each other as often as possible, it's not comfortable to spend all spare moments together. So I've decided to spend some days away from the home, filling hours with yoga and special friends, connecting with family alone without needing to rush around after my busy bean.

And he is doing well - nursery school is always exciting and such a small class size means he gets lots of close attention there too. He spends days following after his nanny, walking to safeway to explore and buy treats. We make crafts and he helps with cooking and cleaning. He is charming and squeals of "mama! MAMA!" with long arms flung around me, eyes flashing love, joy in the moment. He is growing bigger every day and he is absorbing the world, our interactions, making decisions about how things work or how things should work. So smart.

Check off another day

I guess i could be writing every day, tracking my up and down days. No, my up and down life! But without the time to process everything, I'm back to existing mainly in my head. Those perfectionist tendencies stopping the flow, waiting until I have an answer, a clear path, before speaking. I realize that I haven't been open in conversation for a long time. Only stepping in once I'm sure of what I have to say, refusing to be wrong and not trying anything unless I'm already good. What terrible traits to carry and (hopefully not) pass on. Perfect holds you to high standard but doesn't allow for effort if you don't reach the sky. And I've grown up holding that standard, vacillating only between high accomplishment and complete failure. 

There is no path here, existing in a dead house. The holding pattern keeps us here until moving day. Kept in an unnatural situation that carries a lot of stress! We are doing all we can to move through the days, step around each other and give space, make agreements about household life, avoid falling into old relationship patterns and anger. It's hard! Hard, definitely. It was expected to be and I have to continually remind myself of this. This is the hardest part. The days run the gamut of emotions that never include comfort or ease. 

BUT! the medications are working well at holding my mood. Certain things are actually coming together and when everything lines up well, my faith is buoyed up. And then when it lines up too perfectly, it helps to believe that all our decisions led to this moment. That even before we were decided events were aligning for this. 

And I count myself lucky for having special friends, those who continue to reach out and support me. Who don't mind listening to the angst rolling around in my head, no ground to spill it into. Who suggest outings, distractions and escapes. Who show up alcohol in hand. Who reach out to touch and hold me, considering the significant loss of touch I have in my life. We had been best friends, before. And things are just so constantly uncomfortable now, it's hard to have lost that.   

year 2000 rewind

lately I find myself thrown back in time. Everywhere I turn there are folks to reconnect with that I lost touch with a decade ago. It seems even more poignant at this time because these were people who circulated as I was forming myself and immediately before beginning my eleven years with Chris. As we come to a close, it feels bizarre to be randomly tossed back into a scene that I excused myself from years ago.

In retro/intro-spection, I've discovered my pattern for forming intense, short lived connections. Upon disillusionment, drifting apart or  various reasonings, I haven't held on to many people in my life. Felt comfortable ending times with friends once we no longer connected on the level I'd hoped. It's only been recently that I've rediscovered lost friendships from the past (kristy!) and was able to withdraw from the fog of disillusionment to respect and appreciate the things about people that initially drew me to them. Finding the same respect in friendship that I held for intimates.

I hold solidly to reasons for breaking contact, especially because it's as hard to redefine a friendship it is in a relationship. You both have to be invested and willing to have tough conversations - we expect those things from our partners, but not generally from our friends. Fair weather friends. So it's easier to let go of what you had, and mourn that loss, then to talk and each contribute to how and in what way you can continue being friends.

Oh, I've found myself thinking lots about friendships, relationships, how people come in and out of your lives and what they were there to contribute. It's always been a fascination, the watching of how people interact and move together, but now from inner turmoil a new perspective. A universal respect and efforts at love, at openness, at welcoming people for their selves outside of expectations. Of nurturing those which are important to me. And of appreciating the contributions we have, brief or continual, from the people in our lives who love us. Love. 

Am I on the return path, choosing again from the same surroundings? Brought back to a moment in my life where certain people circled me, where a job offer in Rogue's Gallery turned down leads to an equally handed job from the same owner, new establishment. Every turn leads me to another familiar face I haven't seen or thought of in years. I know this is Winnipeg but it's non stop and intense. Not bad necessarily, though I am wondering what I am supposed to learn and contemplate from this. Clearly things are culminating at certain points in my life for a reason. if I am to learn and make better decisions in my future i'll need to understand what choices I made, or didn't make. 

Introspection, baby. It's a gas. 

Single in 2012

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.

Winnipeg ~ too small/small enough ?

Oh my Winnipeg, I do love you. Mind you I can escape your heavily roped restraints anytime I need. And I do need that flight from home turf.

I chose to stay on the edges, never immersing myself too heavily in a scene where I would then become known. Where the same faces floated about you, old interactions and remembered histories clashing with desire for open clean slates. Chose is not a complete story though. Continuous uprooting meant I didn't settled down for long in a space, leaving town and friendships, schools, groups. Rotating into orbits for a time. A time of discovery, of exploring who I was through new friends and the people around me. 

And I missed, of course, walking into a room knowing tons of people. 

But I didn't. And was enjoying relative anonymity. 

Met fleeing this strangling city this fall an experimental filmmaker, complete in bitter loathing for a city that didn't provide him opportunities or recognize him while York University offered full scholarship for his film master, plus chance to teach and work with idols. I argued Winnipeg provided a good place for lots of artists, those who preferred toiling in obscurity and that we foster a great arts/music scene.  Clearly, not for all. For some the scene is incestually small, adult interactions high school reminiscent. 

And my place became clearer still - though I enjoy knowing people I really enjoy being on the fringes... and not knowing everyone. Because as soon as that happens every action becomes noticed. logged to be judged, somehow, later on. 

Going to a show this Friday brought it out. I get to the Pyramid often enough and usually it's packed, though that also tends to be the shows I choose. This was a local show, 60s spy themed. Not too busy, though the music was great and introduced me to superb local group This Hisses. 

Wow! strands of Portishead and Radiohead, rock surf noir. J'adore. Will be out to see them again. And I knew I remembered one of the members from another lifetime at the Red Herring when we were briefly friends. those who spent late nineties nights hanging out there will know. And I knew the singer of the Rockdoras too. Saw some regular scene faces and even the unrecognizable shared quick histories and one degree separation. Shared partners from the past? Too convenient.

What made this too much, almost too much closeness in Winnipeg, is that I haven't been around this scene in nearly twelve years. And still had way too many connections and recognizables around me.

Next time I search a facebook event instead of checking how many people I know going and sending invites, I'll look for the most anonymous of events. Within the same small list of interesting goings-on... wish me luck!

Occupy the world

My travels east are coming to a close. Though I took eight days for myself, eight days to take the train and whirl through toronto, to explore quebec by car and by foot, days for reflection and walking and trespassing (whoops!), there never seems to be enough time. I could have spent my very full days differently and still been just as busy.

One thread that pulled my trip into cohesion were my stops at occupy movements across the east. I wanted to see how each group had settled and what ideas were being brought forward. I wanted to be part  of a global movement that was drawing citizens of all ages and backgrounds. Saturday in Toronto was huge - visitors swelled with an estimated thousands as the park teemed with plans and ideas and music. It was a beautiful day, one of the limited ones left us, and the theme that day was logistical. Should camp relocate? How could they sustain a spread holding two locations? Strategic planning of camp and safety was paramount. Everyone was constantly at the ready for eventual police action. At the time, Occupy London Ontario had been cleared and clashes were happening through the US. By the time I'd moved onto Quebec city the overnight evictions at Wall Street had taken place and we all partially expected action anytime.

In Canada, government and media have not reproached Occupy regarding their rights of assembly, right to peacefully gather, rights of protest. Instead the attacks, the global conversation, is steered away from what the protestors represent into talks of camp safety, cleanliness, making sure every bylaw is followed exactly and searching for ways and reasons to dismantle. I left occupons quebec yesterday feeling buoyed by their organization and winter preparations despite being denied fire (fairly common - occupons montreal is also perservering without fire). This morning they were served notice to dismantle the common kitchen or the city will enter friday am to remove it. OQ had already rebuilt the structure with metal panels after the city ruled plastic walls were unsafe. Now they were ascerting it was a  permanent structure, and such couldn't remain on site. Here is the live camera faced on Occupons Quebec 24/7. (Structure was dismantled early Friday morning. Nov19)

Seeing all the different ideas and areas set up in each occupy were inspiring. A lending library yurt was well stocked in Toronto. The common kitchen kept busy feeding all those who came. General assemblies, daily educational talks, revolutionist music, a crafting area to make signage, a free store, a devotional area.

With the crackdowns faced as cities become irritated with ongoing public occupation, the aesthetics not pleasing, the conversation uncomfortable to many, the direction of this movement remains unclear. What is clear is the conversation has begun. The revolution begins here, with openness and acceptance of other points of view. The multifaceted support and curiosity regarding ideas is clear on the ground, less so in mainstream media which prefers capitalizing on sensationalistic images.

Solidarity! We support you in change.

heavy heavier

That fall slowing has begun. Feeling stagnant and stale, slowed and heavy. I fought acceptance of depression again for weeks. Still stable enough to hold happy facades, i told myself at least i'm not weeping in the corner. At least I'm still functional. Still able to hold together for family and work, while every task grows mountainous before me.

I don't think knowing that I couldn't handle the mountains in front of me turned me towards acceptance. Though retreating and letting it all slide, all that i could attribute to something else. No, acceptance came with small realizations. Had I really been happy at all the last couple months? Had I pulled enjoyment out of the myriad great experiences and moments I'd had?

That's depression's worst steal - without realizing, you are merely existing. The moments might be the same and you may hold together enough to fool most acquaintances (or simply attribute your dip in mood to stress, life circumstances, illness). But enjoyment, that elusive enjoyment... In moments I feel as though I am enjoying myself, but really the investment isn't there. Whether joy is there or not doesn't seem momentous and of any real importance. The same moment could happen and regardless of outcome I'd watch, mimic, observe.

Ahh, what a bane. Slowly medicating to hopefully regain some balance.


And creatively I'm at impasse. Excess of want and no focus, unable to decide/commit/dedicate myself to anything. What to fill my long Winnipeg winter with? Do I take a writing class to focus my energies, play with photographs without clear ideas or continue learning video on my amazing camera... All things that interest me but require some dedication, which I am incapable of.

Layoff looms imminently, a short summer of hardly working and now the season closing too soon. I can't imagine within a few trips my travels will close for the winter and I'll settle into another season of serving and mothering. Where do i fit within this haphazard life that i've built?

I don't have the energy to rail with frustrations. Moving, moving slowly forwards. Asking the universe to fill my head with ideas and energy.