sarah's terrible horrible no-good very bad day

Yesterday was a terrible day. From morning to night, everything that could go wrong did. If I really want to complain I could point out that things started to go bad the night before when I received an email from my yoga teacher telling me that the postnatal class that I adore is being canceled during the summer. But really, let's stick to yesterday.

Jude woke up at 6:30 am. I refuse to get out of bed until 7 but yesterday was extra bad since Chris and I stayed up late playing board games and watching Zombieland the night before. He worked until 9pm so I ordered Thai, made mojitos and was stocked with plenty of snacks so I could give him a relaxing night before I go back to work and leave him alone with Jude. That night was a success - unexpected and very appreciated. But we didn't get to bed until nearly 2am, so when Jude started stirring neither of us were ready to get up.

I was just about ready to get up at 6:55 but apparently took too long as the babe suddenly took a flying leap over mama - and fell out of bed on his head. We jumped into action and although he was stunned and hardly crying, I knew it was a terrible way to start the day. After a couple hours of playing, books and breakfast, spent the next hour attempting naps. Finally Chris took Jude out to play and left mama having a nap. So far, not too horrible right? What else could happen on my terrible horrible no-good very bad day?

1) Bath #1 - babe peed all over himself as I was changing his morning poop. Much easier to strip off and dunk in the tub than attempt to clean with a washcloth.

2) Papa fed the babe Tempra (Tylenol) to help with his awful teething pain and forgot to screw the lid back on. So the babe spilled the entire pink-dyed contents on the ground and himself. Bath #2.

3) Babe was out of sorts all day, signing to me that his head was hurting (he uses the sign for milk around whatever hurts... it's cute but also a great way to know what's going on). Whether from the major teething or the morning head bonk or (my worry) something else that we won't know about til we go to the doctor, he was miserable, hardly eating anything and crying most of the day.

4) Was bumped from my Toronto crew with Celindy. This was particularly hard to swallow since I expected to leave Tuesday and have been working to prepare myself for that. I was finally feeling emotionally ready to be away for 3.5 days, was mostly packed, had switched Chris' shifts, etc etc etc... and now I can't hold Toronto and have to go bump into a Vancouver crew which means I'll be gone 6 days. I knew this was a possibility but I wasn't going to prepare myself for that until I had to... which now I do.

I was so upset, I cried and moped around for the rest of the day. Chris was an awesome support, following me around with hugs and encouragement even though it also means a longer single-parenthood for him. I go in today to bump in.

Clearly that colored my day - everything was bad after that. But it was, it all felt like a horrible, awful no-good day.

I will be gone on the train for my son's first birthday if I bump onto the crew I want. I stepped in a giant puddle on the bathroom floors just before bed. I dropped chocolate ice cream on my white skirt. A glass of water slipped through my fingers and spilled all over Chris and me. IT'S ALL TERRIBLE!!!!

This is how I feel - hug me!

early june reflections

We went to Great Woods for a couple family days together. So nice to get away and forget the list left at home and it was rejuvenating. Although the babe has continued his cycle of popping a new tooth every few days he was in good spirits. Apart from a split lip on the wood deck after he stood up without support but oddly lost his balance coming down, he played in the sandbox exploring freely into grass sampling mud holes and noticing all every bug. Thursday brought ice cream at Beausejour Ice Cream parlour sampling Orange-dipped Vanilla soft serve (Creamsicle anyone?) and chocolate-dipped rolled toasted coconut Twist cone (which was a second choice, as they sadly no longer have coconut dip). Jude loved the cold ice cream on his sore gums and kept looking at Papa for more, open mouth big eyes.

Tonight we're home, while Chris and Jamie play Magic in dim light, hearing "what I'm gonna do it to tap these 10, target player puts x cards from his library into his graveyard and I gain that much life. Ha, I killed the Solarium before it's even out. and, I'm done!" "that's ok, I have more than one Solarium you know" while listening to Final Fantasy - Many Lives. The fantastic thing is when I looked up that link to add in here the first version that came up was from the concert Christel and I attended in Halifax! We were sitting on the ground in front of the first pews and how fantastic was that concert. Heard another great artist, Ken Reaume, there although I haven't heard of him doing other things.

Owen Pallett - Final Fantasy

We saw great musiciens on that trip... went to Baba's with my couchsurfer friend Vanessa on a whim and caught a couple really greats sets there too with dressed up Charlottetown hipsters tearing up the tiny dancefloor attic room bar no more than 60 ppl max could pack in. Reminded me vaguely of the old Osborne Village Red Herring though in what way I couldn't say... the giant wall painting, tiny smoking patio out the back door, sneaking downstairs to light up so the smell wouldn't tip off. We came to see the main act but first walked in to this I See Rowboats wild violining, energetic rush at the front of the room - no stage, just all gear piled at the front of the room.

I caught them a few days later on their home turf of Halifax - couldn't catch a ride with the band since I needed to be there a day earlier than they'd arrive after pulling another show in New Brunswick. Traded that possible adventure for getting stuck at Confederation Bridge with high winds preventing the large bus from crossing. Caught a ride in the shuttle van to the parking lot on the other side and had to hitchhike out of the empty parking lot with nothing around that is the New Brunswick side dropoff. 

We had such a great trip. I'll write down some more remembrances another time along with pictures.

For now we're home nestled down with our definite uncool selves.

location location location

Two years ago Chris and I did something that has affected our lives so completely, and I'm only just now realizing this. No, not conceiving a baby. We moved! I lived in St. Boniface for at least five years and had a tough time deciding to leave and settle into a new community. But we had a small one bedroom crammed full of stuff after Chris moved in with me. After dealing with that for over a year, we couldn't hold off any longer and started looking for another rental. I loved StB so much, the small shops, corner movie store, hearing families speaking French in the supermarket or on the streets.... We wanted a house with a yard on a limited budget and just couldn't find one in the area although I looked and looked. Spent months combing the classifieds and kijiji, checking out properties and finding perfect homes that rented for more than we could afford. I was looking at other central areas as well - walking distance is important to me and I can't see myself living in the suburbs, forced to drive for everything.

our old apartment

Can you tell I was in love with the balcony?

Finally, I was delighted to find this little house on Jessie Avenue - massive yard, minutes from Confusion Corner, easy bus routes and in the centre of shopping, bars, grocery stores. Not to mention the fantastic 50s-style kitchen with breakfast nook and the option of sub-renting the upstairs to a tenant of our choosing! It was PERFECT!

The only problem - I missed the community, the sense of knowing neighbors and shop owners that I felt in St. Boniface. Corydon and Osborne seemed populated with young, hipsters who thought they were so cool to live here, crowding out the remaining elders and families who mainly kept to themselves.

I was sad for over a year, grudgingly admitting the nice things about my neighborhood while picking out all the negatives. I wanted the Safeway cashiers to recognize me when I shopped, I wanted people to smile at me on the streets. Oh, I'm sure there were more that I can't even remember now.

Something came to me today. A revelation of how much my life has changed in these past years. I had a baby, which naturally includes me into different groups and gave me opportunities to meet lots of people I would have never otherwise. And I have met amazing people who are great friends and sources of support, information, resources. I feel so incredibly blessed to know people who inspire me to do more and have such strengths that they are willing to share. I've learned how to bake bread (thanks Christel) and been inspired to do it alone with a baby (Cindy!). I am planting a garden despite killing houseplants and couldn't do it without all the tips and help from Kate, James, Christel and likely many more. I attended the nurse-in at Pan Am Pool last Friday and was surprised how many moms there were women I had only met in recent months, all from this area and holding similar viewpoints and open to activism if needed (Mikki, Erin and April stand out, although I know there were more). Mikaela has encouraged me to play the piano more publicly and use my strengths while through yoga with Amanda I've learned so many grounding and releasing techniques that I use every single day without being conscious of it.

While I've been growing and changing inwardly, the people I've met and befriended lately all have ties to this area of the city. I chose a yoga studio based on closeness and cost and in it found an amazing group of women and a leader who always knows what we need to stretch and release depending on season, moon cycle and just a general intuition. I have attended the mom and baby group since Jude was 6 weeks old and have met further fantastic women through this. I feel like many of the connections made this past year will continue on for a lifetime and were I not living here, at this time, that connection may not have been forged at all.

I guess I'm torn between feeling that the path we tread is so tenuous and such a small decision can have a major, unknown impact on your life, or considering that our path is loosely foretold and in all my possible lives I would find myself here in this place. I'll be pondering that for a while I'm sure. Regardless I really couldn't be happier. I say that knowing that my life is not perfect and I am far from a perfect partner or mother myself, that I have days where everything seems to go wrong and days where everything feels terrible. And yet, my life is perfect. I have everything I could want and am terribly terribly blessed.

THANK YOU

trying

 I am trying
Trying hard, to stay in the moment to escape getting lost in the future. Looking towards my return to work which creeps closer every day, too easy to get buried with lists of must-dos and preparations. I've slowed down each day. Stayed home instead of running from group to swimming to playdates like usual. Enjoying each moment, attending to the house, the garden, the weeding, the laundry, reading books, eating flowers, dancing wildly, snuggling thoroughly.

I am fighting to stay grounded in this moment, not ignoring what's coming but rather acknowledging it's eventuality but refusing to let it affect my time left at home. I am waiting to bump in near the beginning of June and will try to leave June 8th on Celindy (and hopefully my) crew.

We aren't waiting, we're living. Each day new wonders - our crab apple tree was in full bloom as we returned, spilling fragrant petals into the yard. Lazing in sunlit kiddie pools, laundry to hang on the line, summer has arrived.

It was great to watch Jude's face when we got home. All smiles for papa, grasping onto his hand and chattering away in the car. When we entered the house his eyes widened, taking in familiar sights, recognizing his home, his toys, feeling completely at ease. He has been happy with both of us these last few days but when we are all together as a family, his joy practically explodes out of him. We could be doing nothing, just laying on the floor watching him play and he will crawl over to touch and grin at us, joyous to have both his parents together loving him.

Tomorrow the soil gets delivered and planting will take place this week. Hope for nice weather :)

montreal

Yet another travel to log in for Jude's first year. He's travelled by plane, train and automobile (ha) and proudly bears a passport. Without going into the ridiculous, he doesn't have many modes of travel left to try other than boat. We did come up with submarine, hot air balloon and kite board.... who knows he may become a daredevil traveler later on in life!

Was a great trip by train, using my via connections to get on the train early and put Jude to bed. Regardless he woke up at 10 and was just too excited to go back to sleep. A new place, new sounds and grandpa here? What's this all about?? Dad and I shared a bottle of red wine to toast our departure and once we started moving, we turned off the lights and cuddled bebe as the lights of the city retreated. He became heavier and heavier until finally we moved back and drifted off together.

This new (or new to me) train schedule means we really only spend one day on the train so it passed so quickly. Including a two hour nap in the afternoon, I felt like we ate all day and spent the rest exploring the train and visiting with friends. My super good friend Celindy was serving the dining car - even though we were supposed to eat in the front we switched to her diner once we got on.

A quick transfer to the Montreal train and first class meant free booze and meals. Initially we weren't sat together for lack of seats - I thought it wouldn't be a problem to switch aisle for aisle seat until we got on and I found out that I had been sat in a four seater, with three young poker playing boozers. Great! What a match. Before we had even pulled out from the station they were pooring vodka into their juices under the table. Thank goodness there were no-shows and the SM moved us into some better seats.

Soon we pulled into Montreal station and my dad's cousin was ready to pick us up. In the last four days we've hit up the metro every day to visit my grandpa, uncle and aunt, play in the park, walk Rue St-Catherines, shop Eaton's Centre, eat at Dilallo's Burgers and La Banquise (poutine mecca), stroll my dad's old neighbourhood and take in the Bodies Exhibition.

Bodies was incredible, fascinating, informative and unexpected. No cameras allowed and part of that allows you to be totally surprised by what they show you (why I don't want to say too much). But my dad, at 54 years old, said he learned so much about our bodies that he never knew and I can admit the same.

Tomorrow we will go to Vieux Montreal and see Totem, the newest Cirque du Soleil show. All the Montrealers are raving about it which tells me something, since they are always able to take in shows. It's not like Winnipeg where we've only started to host the traveling shows and are easily impressed. Hopefully Jude will have a good nap during the day, and not be too scared by the noise.

A demain!

on our way

Montreal here we come... I'm mostly packed with the essentials (holy cow there are so many!) for me and the babe and now we wait for the train to come in tomorrow night and whisk us off onto adventure.

Thank goodness my dad is coming along for the trip. I really wanted company, not relishing the thought of traveling alone with baby, switching trains and handling luggage/stroller/baby by myself. Now we've decided not to bring a stroller at all since my cousin Diane has one for us in Montreal. That'll leave me stroller-less in Toronto for three days but when I considered trying to navigate the subway with a roller suitcase and a stroller I balked. We'll make do with a mei-tei wrap (thanks Mikki!) and a ring sling (thanks April!).

We've been really using our mom connections lately to avoid buying more stuff that'll only be used for a few months. Such a great way to share and consume less, as well as a money saver.

Anyhow, this'll be a short post. I still have things to pack and double check, have been dealing with lots of emotions around my return to work this past week and I seemed to be on edge with everything (and everyone. Sorry my loves). I need to relax and just enjoy these next few weeks without worry, stroll the streets and snack on delicious lebanese food and poutine, show off my perfect adorable child and breathe.

Wish me luck!

too much

These last few days I've been alternatively running around like crazy getting things done and laying horizontal staring depressingly around, no energy to complete the simplest task. Something like manic-depression but not as extreme and on a much quicker scale (think hours instead of days).

Three more days until we leave for Montreal. Apart from the gigantic to-do list involving everything from packing and organizing to soil ordering and taxes, I'm struggling to deal with my last month on maternity leave. Decided to finally calculate how many weeks I have left last night and then spent the evening in tears after realizing I have one week less than I thought.

I know, one week. It's not the end of the world, logically. And yet. It feels like such an abrupt ending to my time at home. I expected to return from Montreal and have three weeks left before returning to work and now I find out I only have two.

Now this means I'll have to start weaning while we're away because two weeks to cut out 4-5 feeds daily is not enough. But I'm mostly just upset that this year is over already and I have to work at all. I'm not ready, although I don't know when I'll ever be ready. Logically I know going back to VIA is the best thing and the way I'll get to spend the most time with my baby. But the heart doesn't work logically and traveling away from him goes against every part of my being.

I remember asking moms' who had gone back on the train how they did it and never receiving a clear answer. Last night I realized there is no way to do it. You just do. You force one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

I will be a wreck. The only question is for how long. Will it last one trip, two or perhaps all season? Last night I bawled into Chris' shoulder all night and today was hardly better, moping around stuffing my face with chocolate, candy and potato wedges. I hope I can distance myself from all this worry and actually enjoy the time I have left with my babe.

I'll leave you with some yummy strawberry eating shots :)

And my other love

Goof    :)