two - light

 i love the pattern of light on the windowsill this morning... makes me feel underwater

one - self portrait +10

I agreed weeks ago to start this photo challenge and thought about it too many times. It began with 'today would be a good day to start' and I planned to take my self portrait shot infinite times always to abandon consciously, knowing once i started i was undertaking one more thing on my overfilled plate. I enjoy life like this, spilling out of the cracks but agonize also over the excess that pours away, that I can't attend to after I've said yes and that sits in my mind, knowing i can't do it, not procrastination though I've been good at that too when I don't want to do it. These are things and projects that I want to take on but when the list begins to swell i prioritize and they fall away.

So i knew taking that first shot meant each day i would expect of myself to meet the goal and would surely fail to. It's still a journey to allow myself to fail and to be ok with it. So

1) today i thought f*ck it and started anyhow
2) i am wearing our designated family sweater. it joined our family when Chris was heavier. i wore it while pregnant because it fit and was so cozy. when Jude was a baby I'd wrap him to me and cover us with the giant sweater. i can still wrap us both inside though he now wouldn't stand being so confined to mom but thinks it hilarious to come share the hood with me. a shared, family sweater that we all use :)
3) i haven't posted photos because i'm sure they don't reach the standards i've set for myself. which is ridiculous because i know i am learning, but i also know what i want to achieve and don't like to be disappointed in my results.
4) i had a difficult conversation with a friend that was needed to save a friendship from draining away. not fun times but so needed - i was glad to realize i'd grown and wasn't ok with letting things go unsaid and rot away a relationship
5) i miss riding the bus. i miss the time to sit and observe the world, the daily commute of life, the proximity to all different types of people that you miss in a car. i don't miss unheated bus shacks.
6) i am coming close to being back on the train and look forward to the familiar rhythm
7) i have to stop reading maclean's magazines because although i enjoy it, it leaves no time to read anything else. by the time i work through my backlog of magazines the next batch have arrived and it starts again, leaving months without reading a novel
8) watching the sun set late in the day (comparatively!) makes my heart smile bigger each day
9) i feel strongly that i need double the shoes that i currently own
10) this is a happy point of life for me and i couldn't be happier to share all this with my love

dog days of february

these last couple weeks have hardly given us room to breathe, never mind cram all the busyness of life into the corners of our overfilled cup. I have no complaints but ample appreciation for how Chris and I managed to navigate and find ways to talk past our stresses and connect together through these times. We both started new parttime jobs at the same time, essentially going from one parttime position in this household to accommodating a full and parttime job into our lives. Yes, the money is appreciated and much needed, the outside stimulation, meeting new people out of the house is a good thing. But figuring out car usage and babysitters for overlapping shifts, running past each other some days hardly together, frustrations of accepting last minute shifts and scheduled "family time" has forced our family into new arrangements completely and we've all had to adjust. I think things are actually going well now that we've passed the first couple weeks and are getting used to setting aside time for ourselves. Some things neglected hardly seen, others completely forgotten as the priority list balloons. But busy lives are fun, movement and sunshine pushing us towards spring.

We've already spring cleaned and with some gorgeous days behind and currently with us, I've decided it's April. It has been april already for a few weeks and will continue to be until actual april overtakes us. Days spend with Jude who'll grab his boots and place a hand on the door at -30 trying to get outside. When it's nice out we'll walk around the block finding treasures and noticing trucks and birds, or stand shovelling side by side in the yard. We wandered slowly down Corydon this just below freezing day, sidewalks cleared for little booted feet and one piece snowsuit to run mittened hands along doorways, ducking under chains, picking up twigs and investigating them by sniffing, bending, breaking (shock - what happened mama?), destroying a clump of snow with said twig... His days are full of dogs (always a hand out body held at a distance) and trucks, smelling spices which he'll request by standing by the sink inhaling deeply, rides on the computer chair in the upstairs which we discovered today the mom does WAY better than dad when he pushed dad away repeatedly and sat expectantly for me... Reading Corduroy's Day in which he'll flip impatiently to page four, where He played with 4 trucks and his eyes push out, ooh and thrusting the book at us... 4 trucks!! Mama Look!! Four trucks, oooohhhh. Oooh. Excitement :)

Working back in a restaurant is nice, busy bustling kitchen and chefs, especially considering I started a new restaurant jobs during Dine About which brought us many new guests and long nights learning everything. I hate the initial learning curve of starting a new job, having to ask questions for everything and so much to learn. So much less effort to do your job well when you can just focus on the job and not all the stuff that becomes automatic after a while. But a chance to practice my French more, serving in St. Boniface. And Chris, well let's say that he deals in vices. He was already peddling booze at the LC and has added twenty hours a week selling porn and other... enhancements. Too funny and I'm sure the clientele is varied (but likely overlapping, since he serves in the same area for both!). And can I say that he was warned (and which job actually has to verbally state this) that selling yourself to clients was unacceptable. Apparently they'd had this problem before with staff (!!) so it had to be said. oh my... At least it could never be boring!

Aside from these my photography class has been continuing and though I haven't had time to post about it, and a crappy slow computer has stopped me from uploading many images. The next hopeful purchase is a new laptop which every late night goes towards making happen. New laptop!! (this should be sung in a high falsetto)

Last night I had balls of fun out at Park Theatre with Chris and a few friends, watching a Phantom of the Paradise/Rocky Horror double feature. And what could be better than catching both in theatre as virgins (no we did not dress up although Nicole and I have agreed next time we won't back out), at the Park with a bar in the back, drinking gin and t's, kissing in backlanes and thoroughly enjoying a night away together. It was stellar and we'll definitely do it again..

Photos another time. Tonight I'm beat and this'll take hours to upload if I try adding pics now. Bonne nuit

this child of mine

Has a mouthful of teeth, pointy and sharp. The toothy grin changed his whole face and come in useful for fun activities like grinding them together to make cool sounds... prying lids off of containers and boxes... sinking teeth into deliciously fleshy body parts such as my bum... We've been working on no biting for months now, the excitement overwhelming his body and I'm sure it feels good in his mouth. Not so good for us! He'll now cover his head with a blanket or shirt before coming at us, thinking if we don't see him advancing mouth open for a big chomp perhaps he won't get into trouble. I shove a hand between his mouth and my thigh "Don't bite mama!" to head him off before it comes, twist and contort to escape his surprisingly strong grasp. We remind him that it hurts and say Ouch strongly enough to get the message across yet not excitedly enough to make it seem a fun game... He doesn't bite other children or even other people so I know it's an expression of love and excitement with the people he trusts the most. But OUCH! He discovered my bum lately as I stand in the bathroom getting ready for the day I feel little hands tapping at it, pinching it gently, head butting the soft surface and then the mouth comes sneaking in. "Jude No! Don't bite, that hurts me!" His mouth turns into a questioning pout - but I want to mama! Eyes squinting up at me, a standoff between us. Luckily for today a truck distracts until the next time want overwhelms him.

What other things has he been doing lately? Burrowing under blanket like a rabbit. Making funny faces at us and coming up to pull our faces into whatever shape he wants. Snaking an arm up against my face and his other arm alongside papa's face to push us in together for a kiss (that is the sweetest thing in the world!). Playing with his trucks and farm animals by himself, knowing what he wants to do and figuring out how they all work. Reading reading reading and reading (this boy loves his books! We could read for hours each day without getting bored). Robert Munsch and Little Critter and Franklin mixed in with our bedtime favorites Time for Bed and Winken Blinken and Nod. He knows when those come out, the last two stories before bath, his head snuggled back into my arms as familiar words wash over his tired head.

I love bedtime. To hold him as he falls into sleep, complete openness and vulnerability. His face relaxes and tired eyes fight for one last look, his arm wrapped around my neck breath slowing into slumber. When the last vestiges of energy have faded and his mouth sits partly open breathing heavily. I could hold him in sleep for hours, watching.

We made a snow table.... hours of fun

Flannel lingerie

I had the best idea today! Went to Ce Soir lingerie to pick up my altered bras (lovely having to pay over 100$ per bra and still needing alterations!) with my mom. She enticed me to browsing after we found the discount rack with some bras for twenty, leading to rows of valentine's day lingerie. This is pretty and oh, how nice as she lifted silky tops and lacy slips. I said walking out to the car I know nobody who wears lingerie in a long term relationship. That and the winnipeg climate, she reminded me. And I suddenly knew - how cool would flannel lingerie be? A hot corset, boned but with cozy flannel. Over the knee knitted socks. I think we desperately need a line for cold weather sexy. If I sewed and could make them, I'd totally be starting that. One of the too many ideas I have.

I was at Ten Spa at the Fort Garry Hotel for a spa and yoga package with my maman and sisters this weekend! What a restorative, relaxing, rejuvenating, much deserved escape from our usual days. We had two beautiful adjoining rooms, the blue room and the pink room. The first time I'd stayed there although I remembered the ballroom and the club rooms during our wanderings. What a gem of old doors and curtains, chandeliers and soft easy chairs, winding back stairs chilled servant access from days back. I looked over the Via station to the Provencher bridge and the Red River while upstairs, our windows facing mostly brick. Content to keep the blinds closed anyway and forget our winnipeg existence, a separate world from the world outside. We did yoga after checkin and again in the morning in a too cold Club room, changed into our pestemals and robes for an evening hamam at Ten Spa. Hot steam and salt, cool water against heated marble and tiles, in the dark star studded room, continual water relaxation. Between the yoga and hamman, starting off with mint tea ending with a yogurt cucumber drink to rebalance you, I feel very detoxified. And we ate a late supper in the Palm room while my mom and I finished a bottle of wine and we all fiercely debated the saxophone's players age (the younger the guesser, the older they thought he was and vice versa). Then a late brunch this morning in a sunshine filled Broadway room, with fresh omeletters and eggs benedict made to order, my favorite real potato hash (I have strict requirements for hash browns!), croissants and oj and two cups of coffee (a rarity in my world). Such a lovely weekend with such a great group of ladies!

I needed to catch up with them all, too many things happening in our lives and too little time to connect. Breakups and new jobs and a pregnancy! Leona is beginning to show at seventeen weeks and I was totally excited when she shared her potential name with us yesterday. Not sure if she's sharing with the world so we'll leave it at super cute! A little baby belly and a new life working to join us soon. She also has a meeting this week with a midwife so send positive thoughts her way that hopefully it will be a good match and she'll be able to plan the birth, as much as you can, the way she wants it. I remember it clearly now that she's going through it... the thicker hair, the frustration at not being able to sauna or use heat, the excitement of kicks and growing a life inside of you. And so much yet to come. How rarely us girls get together without others around to focus on each other and reconnect. It was over too soon and we know the next time (because there will be a next time!) we should plan an entire weekend away. Perhaps the Moosejaw Temple Gardens?

The weather is turning and we have temperatures supposed to rise to minus four. Though I'll never believe the forecast considering we sit at minus twenty six before windchills tonight I'll keep my hopes up for the week. Tomorrow I'll get April her nursing pictures from the shoot we did at the conservatory last weekend and perhaps we'll all get out for a family walk on a nicer day. Let's hope!

A few cute shots and outtakes from our shoot

This Tuesday feels like a Wednesday

Ran around town all day finishing up all the short errands that pile up during blizzard hibernations, the yard covered in three feet of snow at least. Thinking if I were a kid I'd put on my snow pants, tunnel through the yard making snow angels, building forts. Cheeks reddening brightly while flakes cling to eyelashes and melt on contact. It may not be just the adult part of me that stops from leaping into snowbanks, the -43 temperatures not helping us enjoy these winter days. I've been pushing out to rejoin the world, the retreat from it chosen and forced weighing my feet cast in cement. But we left to visit the lovely Mikaela and Henry who breathed fresh air into our lives (this photo from back in the spring, before the boys were little men running our world)

Hit up the super great Scott Ramos from Berns and Black Salon to refresh my hair and chat ghosts and photography, travels and gifting and how he clones Winnipeggers into his own style (my words, not his!). Spent time at the union executive meeting with some dedicated, activists who tirelessly do the work. Had my third photography class and we showed our pics for the first time. Interesting to see what everyone comes up with, how creative (or not), how when folks shoot what they love it's so apparent in the shot. We missed Jeffrey sitting up front this week, our usual whispered commentary and obvious checking out of the instructor extra spice to help keep awake after we start lagging by breaktime. I realized the first class that these days, I'm usually in pyjamas relaxing in the glow of a computer by 8 most nights, yawning heavily by partway through the our Monday night class. I am in good company though, most of the moms and others copping to tired heads fighting sleep fog descending. I guess we're almost halfway through our eight classes... Have intentions of posting pics from last weeks roadtrip through southern manitoba with Kate getting shots for class but I've worried lately about photo ownership when you post on blogs. I know I won't put my work up on facebook essentially giving them rights to own and sell and use my photos in any way. But here, not sure whether I have protection or should be watermarking stuff... Anyone know?

Busier days for sure and it helps although I work hard to start moving. An object settled in place. The beautiful Amanda who guides us in yoga at Bluemoon started a 30 day photo challenge (see the topics here). I think I might start it, starting the hardest point and then the expectation of needing to keep it up. I might tweak the rules to accommodate what I need, extra time, maybe using pictures I already have? Is that allowed? It is now :)

Starting the hardest point of writing as well.. I opened blogger so many times to let my fingers fly over keys, the words emptying out clearing room behind my heart. But the first sentence didn't pour easily and I couldn't start.



I love this so much... Another project in the wings is a joint music video blog with Chris, since we love checking out new vids and discovering new groups. Too many things waiting for time, and motivation. Photo projects and sewing projects and neverending guilt for not doing enough of them.

I sat alone in Mondragon listening to Anthony Sweet softly croon, catching up on Macleans on ragged comfy chairs, chill from the window not enough to drive me further loving meager sunlight and Winnipeg boots entering briskly for hot vegan soups and hearty eats. I am enjoying this life and stolen moments of self. 

this is exactly how I feel

I just haven't been able to write lately. To sit, and reflect. The very act of living and reconnecting into life requiring any excess energy I have. And the projects on the go these days keep me moving and thinking too much. Caught between a time of slowing down and days of rabid action, I'm loving the connections lately with friends and with family. Add a photo class that is taking me on a journey of admitting to not knowing, fighting against pride that I just want to be good already, knowing my results will disappoint me and the great stuff will come out of practice and learning and failing (that which I am not good at, if you hadn't guessed!). I will work my tail off to take pictures I'm actually proud of and they will be ok. The assignment this week seems HUGE if you want to actually do a decent job of any of the nine different points, most with multiple shots of different subjects to get. During a cold Manitoba winter. I will post my results here, figuring I need to start shooting by Wednesday at least if I want to have time to get them done and printed by class next week.

That and hopefully starting some temp work a couple days a week and a new family membership to the y and starting a thursday night supper club with my sisters and family commitments and playgroups and friends and side projects that never get looked at. No wonder the days aren't enough to contain and decompress and relax into. Oh well, the days are what they are. I need to keep moving and see where it leads. Curiosity for what next brings....