facebook and changing memories...

i went through my facebook profile photos yesterday... looking back at the way I chose to remember and represent myself the past few years. remembering moments and what I was doing then. facebook has starting including every email you've ever wrote someone when you message them. which is strange to see communications over years, some long some simply recurring... a record of the contacts and histories you have with someone.

facebook will change the way my son knows me. he'll see the photos of him I've posted and the loving, exasperated non stop appreciations of his being. i feel torn about posting photos and stories to the world then simply want to explore more. the catharsis of figuring things out while writing them, the weighing in from friends and others about issues, the understanding of our lives others have without being in constant contact. Then there's the ability to look back and see your feelings at that moment. But these things my son will read which weighs in. Hmmm, secret diary open to the world. Living a life of honesty, free and open. What will it bring?

(my facebook photo today. mon amour et Rabbity)

spring!

getting home greenery crowded from all sides. It's lush and overgrown, an explosion from before we left. Though we'd just cut the grass it needed it again. The front window framed in green that were only buds one week ago. now I need the hot heat that lush yards should bring. The rain has left everything damp indoors but cool, our 1903 home always good at staying cool despite large windows... i feel i live in savannah when our yard drips tendrils and pinecones, apple trees blossoms and crabgrass that won't be annihilated. the garage falling down slowly reclaimed by trees and rabbits... a mishmash firepit, random stepping stones half sunk in mossy carpet. I love our yard despite overturned earthworm ground that always feels rough underfoot, dandelion garden competing grass and clover underfoot. I love our giant pine sheltering robins and jays and little boys running underneath... the left behind dog house a perfect two year old size as they hide and giggle inside. soon the garden will flourish and the evening rays will smell of basil and mint once more.

We spend as much time as we can outside though the heat hasn't appeared again... my bean is exploding in cuddles and happiness at our time together, washing dishes side by side, checking construction and trucks at the corner, running circles around a mama maypole body tense with energy. I know it'll be busy, fitting visits and yardwork and housework and shows... but each moment will be fun and worth the craziness :)

my end of the world

follows as any other day. A rainy vancouver long weekend where I actually stayed in for hours resting as I should most layovers. The allure of the city draws me out to wander and explore. I stayed in bed for hours after arriving late to non stop drizzle through bright skies. Time to work, time to catch up on emails never sent and union work sitting in my lap for months. Time to reconnect with old friends, time to lay my head down while saturday drains away from me. Enjoying restful afternoon in my 9th floor hotel room watching pigeons court the dames.

Tonight I'll hit the town with a friend from Van and see where the night leads. Today I rested my soul and took time. 

Those VIA lads and ladies who left recently will miss the sunny afternoons in the baggage car, doors slid wide as valleys and mountains slide past and the air rushes in. Disheveled return to coach hair askew smelling of smoke and mountain winds. They'll miss random nighttime conversations when you sit listening to traveler tales. I sat in the dark hearing Tyson Kerr's compositions after seeing him transcribe music across the prairies. The world slid past as you pause.

S

whoa

WHOA!

too much this April! I call quits. Can we fast forward to June?

It's not that things aren't fantastic. They are. To look at how much we are doing and how much fun we're having, it's insanely good. My life is pretty darn wonderful. Except all that work to get to wonderful, the minutia of every day drowning me in lists and must-do's, with looming deadlines nonetheless!! Taxes which haven't been done yet (along with last years... shhh! Christ i really really need to get on it). The garden sits waiting to be tended and raked and prepared for another fruitful year. Warming weather shopping pressure reminds you of all the preparations before we can really enjoy the pending summer. Add preps for back on the train that have hovered all month in anticipation of changes and mama's head feels full of rolling marbles all day and night.

I finally hit up the doctors after months of family concern over my stomach issues and losing weight (definitely a good side benefit, but the feeling sick and hardly eating sure doesn't do much for my health and ability to weather). So the rounds of blood tests and gastroentorologist appts begin anew... Last time I went through this I had high expectations of finding out the reason and making changes to be healthy again. That fell flat after months of rounds and hopes to only be told "you have (insert catch all digestive syndrome here). We don't know what causes it. There is nothing to do except wait out an attack, which can last weeks to months to years. We don't know what can cause a relapse. There is nothing you can do". As you can tell, my hopes are not high for a different outcome this time!!!

However, to rule out ovarian cancer and upper GI infections and on and on we shall begin anew. Here are my recommendations as we wait for results: 

1. low carb diet. Fairly easy to uphold since I don't really feel like eating anything. although I have been trying to eat carbs to maintain my current weight. Hopefully that doesn't plummet as I start limiting my already limited diet, especially since I've already borrowed all my sisters' skinny clothes! I need three full wardrobes, i think. One for my heavy weight, my usual weight and my skinny weight. About 40lbs worth of difference means if you want to actually look good in your clothes you need stuff that actually fits no matter your size.
2. 20 mins of exercise daily. brisk walk, bike ride, intense sexual activity??? I think that counts!! lol. Sticking to this one is fairly easy considering the amount of running after a wild toddler I do.
3. lay off the weed for a month. hmmm, that should be interesting to see how it turns out. My family doctor has heard all and isn't judgmental which is great when it comes to disclosing lifestyle information. So when I explained my usual eating habits - nothing in the morning unless I can force down a smoothie, perhaps a bit of snacking during the day and usually feeling full until dinnertime. But at night I can eat my only full meal of the day. And when I smoke in the evening, munchies guarantee I'll get at least 2/3 of the calories I should take in. Now without that extra push, we'll see if I can manage to eat at all. This should be an interesting May...

So that's where that is.  Let the fun begin?

snuggle monster pictures

train, oh train, where are you

I'm ready. so ready to return to the click clack rumble tracks, pressed blue uniforms still waiting for the sizes that fit this year. And I haven't gotten my letter calling me back to the board though i miss by few numbers... I wait, i wait. And my suitcase sits half packed body taut awaiting calls each day.... the string tightening preparing for change and changing uncertainties. how will the now nearly two year old react to mom's absences? since we ended nursing in the past four weeks he has become a snuggly monster, crawling into laps wrapping strong arms around necks to pull us close, breathe us in and cover our face with wet open mouthed kisses. I feel him approach from behind and climb my back to hold onto me.

His existence is physical. Without words his body radiates, shakes with laughter as the face delights, eyebrows wide face expansive capturing each movement. He leaps and gallops, spins circles and walks a silly wide-gait stride. He touches and pushes and scratches and pulls. His fingers glide on my skin, cupping my face and pressing until it hurts. Nuzzling noses an extreme sport only for those who don't wear glasses or mind bruised faces. When Jude hurts or is shocked and unhappy, his face turns down, arms lash out towards mom or dad. i don't like this his entire body says. Such strong emotions and not being understood to handle at not yet two.

And then he curls on my lap bringing purposeful books (Just me and my Mom), wriggles down to run into the other room and fetch baby bear. His focus surprises me every time. Most other friends his age hardly sit through one story book while Jude could hear twenty long stories without boredom. What a joy reading books with my child.

I'm anxious to go knowing all will change so shortly preferring to start that journey now and GET STARTED ALREADY

Anxious much?

past halfway April

April flies past us every year! expectations of work coming back keeps you on toes, trying to enjoy and prepare. the to-do list insanely long getting longer, searching for breaks and days of non-stop energy to get everything done. My to-do list will have to be separated, prioritized. A house list, a for work, child, summer, etc....

then i set it aside. the lists sits idle buried on the desk while we make snowmen in the yard early Saturday when the sticky late night downfall rolled perfect instant snowballs, my boy munching carrots and getting dirty in the mucky wet yard. We've been ricocheted to family birthday party with usual undercurrents of frustration, an overtired but appreciated visit with my midwife Kat who hadn't been seen since Jude was two months, goodbye tears with my youngest Mimi who flew to Hong Kong Friday but got stuck in Calgary for a day and now roams buddhist temples and crowded marketplaces. then we added insane reconnection time for our three man family. How lovely to manage so much time together despite a friday and saturday and monday that rivalled insanity in things to get done.

But we did everything we'd hoped, including an incredible show with Flying Fox and the Hunter Gatherers. Everytime I catch them live the energy catches me, how each moves and dances with abandon, completely embracing the project and whatever they need to do. I can't imagine any egos onstage going I don't sing/dance maniacally/drum garbagecans/wear an improbable huge costume while trumpetting (or even more improbably but insanely impressive, tromboning!!!).  

The songs intricately crafted, his melodic theatrical mesmerizing voice commanding above it. Each has their moments though, as the bass player throws his frame around the stage dueling drums or piano or voice. I got some great shots of the show a few months ago and were i not shy of walking in front i'd have more. Still, who can't love six hot trained musicians that make folk mythic music that coils inside and rocks you end to end. Winnipeg grown too - this is the stuff I love to find! 

Chris and I kicked ourselves hard for not seeing them perform the Where the Wild Things Are rock opus they wrote in the past couple years. When the second act brought three songs each perfectly encompassed of the story we all know (and as he wails "i'll EAT you up" and growls I'll eat you up and moans "i'll eat. You. up.", he is the boy in the wolf suit). then the wild rumpus began and I couldn't believe how we'd missed seeing it once at the Park Theatre and again during fringe fest last year where we didn't attend any shows, again.... We won't make that mistake again. this a show we have to make it to!

It was so worth going. Ended far too soon as music like this should continue late into the night, drinks in hand and rocking dance floor romances forming as bodies move to old time tunes. the kitchen parties and music that continues while players float in and out and forms on its own.

Since it ended early we made it to an east kildonan prairie social where 420 tickets sold along traditional 50/50 and auction tickets. the train and non-train friends were both great to see as we trolled dressed to nines in suspender shorts and bowties. Not your usual social attire  but of course our priorities lay in looking good for the show ;) obviously. I didn't win (obviously, because i never do unless the prize of alcohol is useless to me in pregnancy). But great to catch up with those we often don't see and enjoy our night out together to the ends. Then we came home and tangled the sheets... another pro to moving out of the family bed last month when he'd be 21months. As much as i miss sleeping with a warm, cuddly snugglebug.... i am loving the freedom of bedtime when we choose and playtime when we want, extra space in our queen size without our 5ft toddler taking up half the room. We can chat in bed without worrying about waking him. And he sleeps through the night almost every night, waking between 4-7a.m. but leaning to the latter most days. Oh it's been heavenly!

And now, adieu.