That fall slowing has begun. Feeling stagnant and stale, slowed and heavy. I fought acceptance of depression again for weeks. Still stable enough to hold happy facades, i told myself at least i'm not weeping in the corner. At least I'm still functional. Still able to hold together for family and work, while every task grows mountainous before me.
I don't think knowing that I couldn't handle the mountains in front of me turned me towards acceptance. Though retreating and letting it all slide, all that i could attribute to something else. No, acceptance came with small realizations. Had I really been happy at all the last couple months? Had I pulled enjoyment out of the myriad great experiences and moments I'd had?
That's depression's worst steal - without realizing, you are merely existing. The moments might be the same and you may hold together enough to fool most acquaintances (or simply attribute your dip in mood to stress, life circumstances, illness). But enjoyment, that elusive enjoyment... In moments I feel as though I am enjoying myself, but really the investment isn't there. Whether joy is there or not doesn't seem momentous and of any real importance. The same moment could happen and regardless of outcome I'd watch, mimic, observe.
Ahh, what a bane. Slowly medicating to hopefully regain some balance.
And creatively I'm at impasse. Excess of want and no focus, unable to decide/commit/dedicate myself to anything. What to fill my long Winnipeg winter with? Do I take a writing class to focus my energies, play with photographs without clear ideas or continue learning video on my amazing camera... All things that interest me but require some dedication, which I am incapable of.
Layoff looms imminently, a short summer of hardly working and now the season closing too soon. I can't imagine within a few trips my travels will close for the winter and I'll settle into another season of serving and mothering. Where do i fit within this haphazard life that i've built?
I don't have the energy to rail with frustrations. Moving, moving slowly forwards. Asking the universe to fill my head with ideas and energy.
