one year

Today I am lost in time, swimming in memories...

Let me tell you about how you came into this world, i said today. Last year on this day, you were still in my belly growing big and strong. It was just another regular day although we knew you might join us at any moment. I spent the afternoon at a wedding shower for my cousin Laura and everyone kept commenting about the baby still hanging out in my belly. You see I was five days past my due date and everyone was anxious to meet you. I knew you would come when you were good and ready. My mom, your grandma, had four pregnancies and five children and went a week past her due date with every one! Even when she was carrying twins!

I was so ready to meet you but still nervous about the labour. What would it feel like? I couldn't imagine something that had no relation to anything I had ever done before. So we waited, knowing that soon enough the time would be on us.

I remember coming home that day and taking a nap on the couch for two hours. Something told me "just in case" the baby comes tonight I had better be rested. The night before I had felt contractions for an hour in the evening and then they stopped. So I told your papa maybe tomorrow we would have a baby. Your Aunty Mimi also told me she thought you would come out that night. The rest of the night was uneventful, relaxing and reading. At 11pm I started having contractions again. Tightening and releasing, tightening and releasing... I thought this might be it but decided to wait an hour before calling Kat in case they stopped again.

It was only 45 minutes later that I knew this would not stop and we needed to call Kat NOW! Chris got her on the phone and she packed up and started driving from Dauphin immediately. Then he rested on the couch for a couple hours while Mama worked hard to help you come out. We laid in the bath, resting on the purple ball and breathing hard through each contraction. I was happy it was dark and quiet outside and I remember dreading the sunrise when the world would wake up and intrude upon my quiet cocoon.

Kat arrived around 4am just around when your Dad came in to help out. Everything was calm and quiet in the bathroom and she drifted in quietly, not to disturb the space around me. I tried to eat some cantaloupe that papa cut up for me but I couldn't manage it. My contractions were so hard in my lower back and for hours I needed someone to push HARD on my back every time a contraction came over me. All my worries about sunshine didn't matter since by the time the sun started rising I was too involved in my work to notice.

At 10:30, my water broke in the tub. After a bit I got up to try and move around (not good!) or lay down (also not good!) so I finally ended up in the living room on all fours. I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed for so long I thought you would never come out. Papa supported me while I stood and pushed and held me while I knelt and pushed. I was sure you would never come out and I would push forever.  And then, in one moment, your head was out! It was such a relief and I remember saying "what do I do now???" and we waited for the next contraction to come. Minutes later you were out and I was holding you in my arms, purple and slippery and new, looking up into my face with those dark eyes. You latched on right away and began nursing while Kat checked you over and marked your Apgar score. You were beautiful and incredible.

As much as I wanted to cuddle you to bits, mama still had some work to do so after a while papa held you while I worked to get the placenta out. With each (mild) contraction Kat would urge me to push and I would bear down with no success. I was hardly feeling any contractions but was hemorrhaging since the placenta had not come out. You were so quiet cuddled with your papa. We tried this for quite a while until finally we decided to go to the hospital. I was sad since I had tried to avoid going in but I knew the hardest part was over and we had birthed you at home ourselves! So we called an ambulance to come get me as I had lost a fair bit of blood.

Soon the ambulance arrived and many, many young attendants and firefighters piled into our living room. They checked me out and loaded me onto a stretcher. I chose to leave you at home with Kat since I was worried about what would happen to you in the nursery without mama or papa watching over you - and also in the ambulance ride without a car seat! silly mama, already worrying about you. Papa came along to fill out the paperwork and Mama was whisked into a delivery room where the doctors gave me laughing gas and manually removed the placenta that had not detached.

Soon afterwards, Kat and Grandma brought you to the hospital. Your clothes were all too big and you were wearing so many layers even though it was summer! Grandma had bathed you gently and cuddled you while I couldn't. Soon you were nursing again and being checked over by the hospital staff. We had to stay two days in the hospital since I had lost a lot of blood and they needed to make sure I had my strength up. That was very hard on your papa since he couldn't stay overnight in the hospital. He drove back and forth, visiting, bringing me things from home since I had no clothes, shoes, toiletries or anything. You stayed with me all the time, sleeping sneakily in my bed since I couldn't stand to have you sleeping in the bassinet.  We had lots of family visitors those first few days. Grandma and Grandpa cried when they held you. Soon we were pushing to go home - I was in a room with three other mamas because papa had forgotten we had medical coverage for a semi-private room. One baby cried and cried all night and I knew we would get more rest at home. So finally they allowed us to go home. And then, on Canada Day July 1st, 2009, we brought you home.

Tomorrow is your birthday. You're already one year old! What a journey this past year has been. I can't wait to know you even more and watch you grow into a boy and a man. I love you more than anything sweetness. Happy birthday!

summer beach days

We had a list of things to get done in the yard yesterday. Take down the tent which was knocked down during the last torrential downpour (3 weeks ago... procrastination much?), weed the garden that grew by leaps and bounds while I was away, fix the clothesline which fell under the weight of too much laundry....

But as I was driving home from my chiropractor's appointment, the sun felt so nice through the window and the hot muggy air sent other plans my way. What's one more day of waiting to get stuff done anyway? So we quickly threw our things together and headed out to the beach. When Jude was last at the beach in the Bahamas, he didn't like the sand, didn't like the water and definitely did not like the waves. Of course there are no waves at Bird's Hill but what a successful outing! Digging, piling, splashing around... sampling the sand and trying out his steps some more. I'm sort of sad to see him moving on from crawling and to think I won't see his awesome monkey crawl again. He was getting so fast!

Apart from the horrible, bloodsucking monsters lurking in the grass (who swarmed us when the sun went away) we had such a fabulous time. Going away has made me appreciate the time at home so much more. I'll sooner put off doing the chores and household work to jump on spending a moment with my son.

(The last monkey crawl?)

My son who has decided lately that he wants to be up by six am. We've been diligent about staying in bed until seven his entire life because anything earlier is just ungodly. The last time he decided to switch his time to get up, we conveniently adjusted his bedtime an hour later during daylight savings time change. Instead of a 7pm bedtime he would go down for 8, and get up at 7am. But lately, meaning this entire past week, he wants to be up at 6. Or even earlier. I'm not sure what to do since he doesn't need a later bedtime and he usually only naps once midday for two hours. Since we cosleep most of the night, we're all awake when he is and leaving him to cry or play in his crib is not an option. Any ideas???

So this morning Chris and I had a disagreement about who was to get up. I asked him to since it was my turn to stay in bed and he kept me up til one am the night before. He asked me to since he was so tired and was finally having a good sleep. I said no, stated my case again, and after getting nowhere with the sleeping lump, got up with Jude. Oh frustration!

But we ended up having a nice morning - early breakfast, drove to St. Norbert Farmer's Market where he had a ball. Roosters, chickens, goats, more people and children and dogs than you could imagine. I made sure to only bring 20$ since I could easily spend so much more. That forced me to really contemplate what I wanted - fresh local pasta, clover honey, cucumbers, carrots, calendula flowers (for making bum salve) and a ginger flax cookie. Yum! Had to pass on the saskatoon pie (my ABSOLUTE favorite! like my grandma used to make) but there's all summer yet.

The countdown:
1 more day til we strike or come to an agreement with the corporation
3 more days til Jude's first birthday
3 more days til I maybe leave town again for my next trip

oh so much up in the air. breathe. relax. stay grounded. and pack!

we have a walker!

Steps steps steps.

The first one was on my last day on the train. Chris was so excited to share and I was just as excited for him. Couldn't be too disappointed since the next day he gave me two distinct steps! But then the babe decided to move onto other things for a while, such as the 180 degree quick turnaround, even attempting a 360 with hands and feet.

Today Mikki and Kingsley came over for a visit and the giggles were on! He hammed it up the whole time, showing off his skills and toys until finally he decided to pull out the big guns. "look at me!" it said as he started stepping across the living room. First five in a row, then a few more, then seven steps all the way to the futon! Yay big dude :) there's no going back now.... What fun!

I've noticed he's a lot more serious since I've come back. Still has lots of happy and goofy moments, but when he's concentrating or learning something he looks so serious. I'm sure it's affected him emotionally, my being away. But the connection forged with Papa is already much stronger. I noticed a number of times when Chris wasn't around that Jude would go searching for him. Last night Jude was in the middle of the bed when we joined him. When he started stirring, he shuffled over to dad and cuddled him instead! How sweet :) Love love love my boys.

We've been busy as bees this week from a visit to the Red River Ex, swimming at Pan Am with April and Kort (where he learned to toss the ball back and forth), playgroups and playdates galore... Not to mention our first bike ride! Can't wait to get out again, he had such fun zooming around down the side streets, ringing the bell and kicking the handlebars.

Another exciting note: I got a temporary vacancy to Toronto! As much as I loved my crew to Vancouver, it was just too long away for the boys so I jumped to bid these openings. Now I leave on Tuesday the 29th, Jude's first birthday. But we'll have the entire day together and I'll be home after three days. Exciting!!! Of course, that's only if the strike doesn't happen. We shall see. I'm not getting myself too worried since each time we've gotten to this point we reach an agreement at the last second. But of course, there's always the possibility that we hit the picket line on Sunday. So I'm watching and waiting, hoping to leave Tuesday as planned but preparing for the worst. What bad timing for a strike (not that there's ever a good time really). But especially bad for me since my mat leave ran out last month, waiting a 6 weeks before a via paycheck, Chris cut shifts to stay and watch Jude and we're already behind on all our bills. Oh well, no use worrying about it. Things always have a way of working out.

My mama's super cool scooter

On a blog you always have to wonder how much is too much information. I share lots about our life, plans, stresses, etc... And I'm never quite sure who's reading since it's wide open to all my facebook friends, most of whom don't subscribe or leave comments. But every now and then someone will mention that they follow along and know all about what I've been doing, which is nice to know people are interested.

I had a totally sexy dream last night, not about my hubby but about some guy that I don't even know. We've never spoken, I don't have a crush on him and apart from the fact that he's a good looking guy, I have no idea what would attract me. But somehow my subconscious decided to cast him in a role and start sending me absurdly fun dreams... Not that I'm complaining, I certainly don't mind those dreams. Just wondering what triggered that. Who wants to share dreams? Lol!!!

back in da peg

I'm home! Haven't gotten my cuddles yet as the babe was sleeping. So hard not to barge in the door and  wake him up but best to let him wake up on his own. waiting 
waiting

Saw this video

Guillaume Nery base jumping at Dean's Blue Hole @ Yahoo! Video

  called Free Fall from a friend's page. It's a short film made by the world champion freediver, filmed by the French freediver Julie Gauthier, and it's incredible. It was not done in one breath but was done completely without the use of tanks and is meant to show another side of freediving. "For me freediving means to be in harmony with the elements, it means freedom, it means exploring the unknown. We tried to express this feeling in one video," says Guillaume Nery.
Never have I given so much thought to the experiences and discoveries of swimming underwater without a tank. I've peripherally heard of freediving before not thinking much about it, but this film puts it as poetry... Amazing.

Work went well. Surprisingly. Difficult, as expected. Sad but also enjoying the work, the people. And then, somewhat guilty for actually enjoying being away at the same time missing my boys terribly and knowing they were dealing at home. Hmmm, tough emotions. But it went by and then today, suddenly seeming quick although the days seemed long, we're home. Already? This going back to work thing will speed up the days for sure. While I'll be more present and savor every moment the summer will fly by.

Gonna go savor my quiet time tonight. Love being home!

going going gone

I am leaving. All day we spent inside, not venturing further than the garden and a brief look around from the front steps. A cold, miserable, drizzly day was perfect for huddling inside, watching Berenstein Bears (such morally correct learning lessons in every episode! it's a little unrealistic - at least other kid shows show the kids struggling with some moral dilemma or making wrong choices whereas those bears... I'd probably send them home if they were hanging around too long "no miss Sarah, I think we should make a list first") and watching my love finally start taking steps while pushing around his toys. We visited Chantal and Dahlia earlier this week and she is walking already. I think Jude got a little inspired to try something new since he's had no interest whatsoever in walking yet. He would cruise to the edge of whatever he could hold on to and immediately drop to monkey crawl. He's fast, SUPER fast, crawling around on hands and feet. I wasn't concerned, he'll learn when he wants to. But he wouldn't walk holding onto mama's hands, pushing around anything, until today. Suddenly, he decided to pull up on his wooden block cart and start walking behind it. Not the best idea since the cart is awfully tippy and he ended up on knees quite a few times. Switched out with his train and suddenly he was walking like a pro! Now my only concern is that he'll start to take steps while I'm away!!

I packed and I'm sure I'll forget something. Hopefully it's not something important - breast pump, shoes, a brush... although really most everything is important since I only bring essentials, so hopefully I forget nothing. That's not realistic at all. My mind is everywhere these days and today was spent playing and cuddling as much as possible while squeezing in the rest of life's demands.

Tomorrow morning I leave and I think I'm ready and I also think I'm not ready at all. My boys will do fine - Chris is a fantastic dad and I know he can deal with whatever comes his way. He won't do it the same as I would but that's ok. Dads do it different, I was told, and as much as we struggle to accept that at times when Mom's way is the best most efficient definitely correct way, his way is fine. And although I expect Jude will be sad, I also know he'll accept it eventually and adapt. He won't cry for six straight days and once he starts having fun, he'll be even more able to move past his sadness. I, on the other hand, will be a wreck. I'm hoping I can lose myself in work and not think about my loves being so far away. In previous years I haven't missed Chris at all. Not even a bit! I knew I would see him soon, this was my time away and quite frankly I was so busy morning to night that I didn't even really have time to miss him. So I'm hoping that work will consume me enough that I only think of Jude every 15 minutes instead of every second. I'll still have two days to kill in Vancouver so we shall see how much I'm able to cope.

Thanks everyone who's sent love, encouragement, support, stories of your own coping, etc... It's so helpful and wonderful to hear. Once I get this first trip under my belt I'll be able to face anything! See you in a week :)

sarah's terrible horrible no-good very bad day

Yesterday was a terrible day. From morning to night, everything that could go wrong did. If I really want to complain I could point out that things started to go bad the night before when I received an email from my yoga teacher telling me that the postnatal class that I adore is being canceled during the summer. But really, let's stick to yesterday.

Jude woke up at 6:30 am. I refuse to get out of bed until 7 but yesterday was extra bad since Chris and I stayed up late playing board games and watching Zombieland the night before. He worked until 9pm so I ordered Thai, made mojitos and was stocked with plenty of snacks so I could give him a relaxing night before I go back to work and leave him alone with Jude. That night was a success - unexpected and very appreciated. But we didn't get to bed until nearly 2am, so when Jude started stirring neither of us were ready to get up.

I was just about ready to get up at 6:55 but apparently took too long as the babe suddenly took a flying leap over mama - and fell out of bed on his head. We jumped into action and although he was stunned and hardly crying, I knew it was a terrible way to start the day. After a couple hours of playing, books and breakfast, spent the next hour attempting naps. Finally Chris took Jude out to play and left mama having a nap. So far, not too horrible right? What else could happen on my terrible horrible no-good very bad day?

1) Bath #1 - babe peed all over himself as I was changing his morning poop. Much easier to strip off and dunk in the tub than attempt to clean with a washcloth.

2) Papa fed the babe Tempra (Tylenol) to help with his awful teething pain and forgot to screw the lid back on. So the babe spilled the entire pink-dyed contents on the ground and himself. Bath #2.

3) Babe was out of sorts all day, signing to me that his head was hurting (he uses the sign for milk around whatever hurts... it's cute but also a great way to know what's going on). Whether from the major teething or the morning head bonk or (my worry) something else that we won't know about til we go to the doctor, he was miserable, hardly eating anything and crying most of the day.

4) Was bumped from my Toronto crew with Celindy. This was particularly hard to swallow since I expected to leave Tuesday and have been working to prepare myself for that. I was finally feeling emotionally ready to be away for 3.5 days, was mostly packed, had switched Chris' shifts, etc etc etc... and now I can't hold Toronto and have to go bump into a Vancouver crew which means I'll be gone 6 days. I knew this was a possibility but I wasn't going to prepare myself for that until I had to... which now I do.

I was so upset, I cried and moped around for the rest of the day. Chris was an awesome support, following me around with hugs and encouragement even though it also means a longer single-parenthood for him. I go in today to bump in.

Clearly that colored my day - everything was bad after that. But it was, it all felt like a horrible, awful no-good day.

I will be gone on the train for my son's first birthday if I bump onto the crew I want. I stepped in a giant puddle on the bathroom floors just before bed. I dropped chocolate ice cream on my white skirt. A glass of water slipped through my fingers and spilled all over Chris and me. IT'S ALL TERRIBLE!!!!

This is how I feel - hug me!

early june reflections

We went to Great Woods for a couple family days together. So nice to get away and forget the list left at home and it was rejuvenating. Although the babe has continued his cycle of popping a new tooth every few days he was in good spirits. Apart from a split lip on the wood deck after he stood up without support but oddly lost his balance coming down, he played in the sandbox exploring freely into grass sampling mud holes and noticing all every bug. Thursday brought ice cream at Beausejour Ice Cream parlour sampling Orange-dipped Vanilla soft serve (Creamsicle anyone?) and chocolate-dipped rolled toasted coconut Twist cone (which was a second choice, as they sadly no longer have coconut dip). Jude loved the cold ice cream on his sore gums and kept looking at Papa for more, open mouth big eyes.

Tonight we're home, while Chris and Jamie play Magic in dim light, hearing "what I'm gonna do it to tap these 10, target player puts x cards from his library into his graveyard and I gain that much life. Ha, I killed the Solarium before it's even out. and, I'm done!" "that's ok, I have more than one Solarium you know" while listening to Final Fantasy - Many Lives. The fantastic thing is when I looked up that link to add in here the first version that came up was from the concert Christel and I attended in Halifax! We were sitting on the ground in front of the first pews and how fantastic was that concert. Heard another great artist, Ken Reaume, there although I haven't heard of him doing other things.

Owen Pallett - Final Fantasy

We saw great musiciens on that trip... went to Baba's with my couchsurfer friend Vanessa on a whim and caught a couple really greats sets there too with dressed up Charlottetown hipsters tearing up the tiny dancefloor attic room bar no more than 60 ppl max could pack in. Reminded me vaguely of the old Osborne Village Red Herring though in what way I couldn't say... the giant wall painting, tiny smoking patio out the back door, sneaking downstairs to light up so the smell wouldn't tip off. We came to see the main act but first walked in to this I See Rowboats wild violining, energetic rush at the front of the room - no stage, just all gear piled at the front of the room.

I caught them a few days later on their home turf of Halifax - couldn't catch a ride with the band since I needed to be there a day earlier than they'd arrive after pulling another show in New Brunswick. Traded that possible adventure for getting stuck at Confederation Bridge with high winds preventing the large bus from crossing. Caught a ride in the shuttle van to the parking lot on the other side and had to hitchhike out of the empty parking lot with nothing around that is the New Brunswick side dropoff. 

We had such a great trip. I'll write down some more remembrances another time along with pictures.

For now we're home nestled down with our definite uncool selves.