going going gone

I am leaving. All day we spent inside, not venturing further than the garden and a brief look around from the front steps. A cold, miserable, drizzly day was perfect for huddling inside, watching Berenstein Bears (such morally correct learning lessons in every episode! it's a little unrealistic - at least other kid shows show the kids struggling with some moral dilemma or making wrong choices whereas those bears... I'd probably send them home if they were hanging around too long "no miss Sarah, I think we should make a list first") and watching my love finally start taking steps while pushing around his toys. We visited Chantal and Dahlia earlier this week and she is walking already. I think Jude got a little inspired to try something new since he's had no interest whatsoever in walking yet. He would cruise to the edge of whatever he could hold on to and immediately drop to monkey crawl. He's fast, SUPER fast, crawling around on hands and feet. I wasn't concerned, he'll learn when he wants to. But he wouldn't walk holding onto mama's hands, pushing around anything, until today. Suddenly, he decided to pull up on his wooden block cart and start walking behind it. Not the best idea since the cart is awfully tippy and he ended up on knees quite a few times. Switched out with his train and suddenly he was walking like a pro! Now my only concern is that he'll start to take steps while I'm away!!

I packed and I'm sure I'll forget something. Hopefully it's not something important - breast pump, shoes, a brush... although really most everything is important since I only bring essentials, so hopefully I forget nothing. That's not realistic at all. My mind is everywhere these days and today was spent playing and cuddling as much as possible while squeezing in the rest of life's demands.

Tomorrow morning I leave and I think I'm ready and I also think I'm not ready at all. My boys will do fine - Chris is a fantastic dad and I know he can deal with whatever comes his way. He won't do it the same as I would but that's ok. Dads do it different, I was told, and as much as we struggle to accept that at times when Mom's way is the best most efficient definitely correct way, his way is fine. And although I expect Jude will be sad, I also know he'll accept it eventually and adapt. He won't cry for six straight days and once he starts having fun, he'll be even more able to move past his sadness. I, on the other hand, will be a wreck. I'm hoping I can lose myself in work and not think about my loves being so far away. In previous years I haven't missed Chris at all. Not even a bit! I knew I would see him soon, this was my time away and quite frankly I was so busy morning to night that I didn't even really have time to miss him. So I'm hoping that work will consume me enough that I only think of Jude every 15 minutes instead of every second. I'll still have two days to kill in Vancouver so we shall see how much I'm able to cope.

Thanks everyone who's sent love, encouragement, support, stories of your own coping, etc... It's so helpful and wonderful to hear. Once I get this first trip under my belt I'll be able to face anything! See you in a week :)