over christmas

So long without writing it all down... some days you drift through every moment melting in your hands, trying to catch the feeling, the stillness. We've had a few moments to breathe, finally.

Pulled into service from standby on the 21st, home on Christmas morn. It was a whirlwind, difficult trip. Constant readjustment everyday, each moment. Oh wait, I'm going on the train. Coffeeshop waitress. That is until a six am knock on the door informed I was working coach instead, my usual preferred job but not where I prepared my head to be. No worries as the busy Christmas coaches brought many travelers heading home for holidays. My passengers stayed up with me all night chatting, which was a blessing after a hardly any sleep night where I found out at six pm that I needed to hit the sack for seven pm and get up at one am. Yes, my service manager is not known for his planning and organizational skills. Marbles rolling aimlessly...

I rose at one am only to help with one busy stop. Exhausted after not nearly enough sleep, headed to bed after quickly picking at a meal and trying to slow down enough to sleep. The dome car full of passengers still having a fun night dwindled as the hours passed until only the diehard all nighters remained. We talked music and school and European race politics and military sympathies, conversation flowing directed by passing thoughts and opinions. Toronto brought chill winds and tired eyes but a gorgeous fifteenth floor hotel room Young Street balcony late afternoon sun fighting buildings and winter heaviness to warm my bed. I couldn't sleep, not nearly enough. Tried laying down but my mind said remember that things will change again tonight. You'll find out your job has changed or your bedtime changed or you need to crash immediately. The wheels creaked as my mind churned relentlessly.

Being at work away from home for Christmas is hard. My first year accepting a Christmas trip and we fought hard to keep a small flame of Christmas spirit alive. I must have expected passengers would be happy to be enjoying a beautiful trip through untouched frozen canadian shield days.. Ontario gifted us heavy hoar frost on every tree the 24th... Each passing window framed postcard as beautiful, not nearly enough time to admire the stillness. But happy entreaties brought hard faces and little interaction. My spirit lagged and I fought to remember Christmas carols and warm alcoholic drinks and snuggles on the couch. The most beautiful twenty month old reminded me too much of home, her toothy grin and crayons tightly gripped in not quite baby hands. How pretty I said and she peered at me, how pretty she parroted, happy to show me she knew. She understood Polish and Romanian and English, her parents were beautiful and intelligent, engaged, open, sweet... They simultaneously saved my sanity and made my core yearn to hold my own miracle child who snakes busy arms around my neck to pull me close. Who tests skin with lips and mouth and finally teeth, a face crumpled in sadness when I cry out. Showing ways to show love. I love you THIS MUCH mama it hurts me from my belly and I have to show you in every way I can.

I am home and have been since a busy Christmas Day. Chris had a birthday yesterday and I made coconut cupcakes. I bought my camera (Canon 60D) and I am so excited to start my class on Monday. I bought a camera bag, returned it, got another bag and am still adding accessories. I worked another standby and luckily got to come home, a Winnipeg winter busride through the ever gorgeous Exchange District. Remembering the pleasure of slow rides home, meandering through skywalks and lobbies, watching always, all things...

solstice welcoming

Just another night sliding snowy roads half conscious movements. Gorgeous film Black Swan in a surprisingly filled grant park theatre late night monday show. Bathroom chats with lovely friend before our nights diverge. One drifts backwards along remembered roads headlights float ahead, a quiet house a soft light pulling you in. Cold screen to take you from reflection to projection, replacing introspection. A rare moment with self.

Oh solstice how i craved you

Beckoning over empty snowscapes early darkness sadness. The days will lengthen. The sun returns. Celebrate a corner turned during years of winter days fallen away in abysses lost. Dec 21st a relief, a smile in my december always. But when they say the first day of winter? That ticks me off. Really? We've been covered in snow for months, sitting in cold cars scraping ice from windshields pushing pulling digging cars out record snowfall immediate cold. REally? Welcome winter. How fucking depressing. I wish we could remove that winter label, seasons differing everywhere not complying to our listed weather plan. Come on, seasons! If you won't listen perhaps we should stop inaccurately labeling you. Oh wait, that applies to so much...

I pondered a Toronto trip too long and missed out. Standby tomorrow night instead, means having to pack my suitcase again although that was going to be needed soon anyway. Getting packed getting ready to the station four hour shift. Of nothing, or hardly anything. Choice of a cold night coming home sans car with a packed suitcase. Or a last minute pulled into work gone to Toronto. Not a lovely thought, but the trip would be good, home Christmas Day.

I will be missing the lunar eclipse tonight, despite it not having happened on the solstice for 372 years. 1638. What a woman I would have been in 1638. A heretic, a healer an outsider definitely. Depends on where I lived and how wealthy I was. Childbirth in the 1600s... wetnurses and slavery and aristocracy vs intellectual society, invention... A different age. I wonder whether a lunar eclipse would have been noticed by most. Definitely charted and expected by astrologers and philosophers, would it have had any significance or superstitions around it. Now a curious piece of trivia most won't observe. An interesting event though.

And those have been Sarah's musings at one am. Tune in next time to see how I am.

Next Christmas

I've felt stresses lift away as I let go of Christmas (immediate Christmas, that is). Seeing it as the beginning of our celebrations instead of the culmination of a bitter month's disappointments. And then tonight, while researching a bit about Ukrainian Christmas traditions I found that festivities actually begin on Christmas Eve and end on the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th. Perfect for what I'm planning. A friends and family potluck might be in the cards for the ones who aren't tapped out. Some holiday baking.

It may seem random to choose Little Christmas to celebrate this year. But I spent growing up years in Dauphin with forty percent of the population claiming Ukrainian roots. Ukrainian immersion elementary stood among the french immersion, english and christian schools. Ukrainian dance and schoolmates claiming extra days off after winter holidays. I grew up seeing that other celebration from afar. I loved Christmas strongly, fiercely. Laying in a dark room under the tree watching string lights reflecting off dark windows. Mind wandering dreaming wondering. I played carols on the piano starting in November til my mom asked "could you please play something else?" We watched classics and read books and made crafts and immersed in Christmassy cheer, learning songs and dance moves for school concerts.

Funny how we get here... our home lives growing up lives so different. You wonder how you never know everything about a person, their inner selves and experiences that led them there. We reach to relate on other things forgetting we are strangers.

So this year, we will have our own Ukrainian, or Little Christmas, or Women's Christmas. We will not have a good Christmas in 2010. But in 2011, we'll get two Christmasses! Start and end the year with Christmas what could be more magical. Should be fun.

genius, i know

So it's not as though I already have way too many things crowding my plate... So much so that after emerging on the other side of the worst sickness you could possibly imagine, which robbed us of nearly an entire month, I recently had the genius idea to forget about Christmas this year. Oh, we'll go to the planned family get-togethers Christmas Eve and Day. But otherwise, the baking and music and gingerbread competition and all the stuff I love about the holiday, giving cards and gifts, sharing drinks, laughs with friends, even shopping for the right gifts and celebrating people.... I was feeling stressed knowing there was no way to do everything. Christmas rushed up on us this year and we really missed most of it. The solution? we celebrate Ukrainian Christmas this year instead. It'll give us a chance to check out related events and celebrate the holiday, time to get everything ready, immersion into another culture... Already looking forward to finding recipes, crafts and events to make our week celebration complete!

So everything has been pushed back. Not to mention I may take a trip on the rails for the extra cash if they call... makes everything quite busy. Busy is good though. Busy keeps moving, busy changes scenery, busy helps.

I've been thinking about why it's so hard to accept help. It relates to what the circumstances are. When Jude was born or when he was hospitalized, I recognized we needed help and had no problem receiving it, even asking feeling completely justified, a situation all could see required extra hands and hearts. But there seems some shame involved in getting help when you feel overwhelmed and can't pin the problem. Lack of understanding, lack of logical reason to back up your inabilities... And the funny thing is that I have no problem offering and giving every support to my loves when they need it. Nor do I judge them for it. But something about getting hands committed to us during regular times, when it just feels like too much on the plate. I felt really touched by the number of people who truly offered help and love when I posted yesterday I was sick of being a mother. Understandings of exactly how normal those feelings are and that I don't love my son any less... the trials of this month too much without a break.

A final disappointment was the cancellation (ok, postponement! but it felt as bad) of our girls spa night at the Fort Garry with my mom and sisters. Didn't want to risk getting the sisters sick and had to cancel with 48hours... I cried through disappointment. But I cut my hair again, and got my nails done with my gorgeous sister Mimi during a night off courtesy of my amazing friend April, and chatted with Celindy and Jason and Alex while watching Corydon traffic meander by their sunroom cuddled under blankets open windows, and joined throngs of not often Osborne shoppers on a Christmas Saturday, and have plans to see Black Swan with Nicole hopefully this week. Oh pack my plate full of people and experiences that make me smile!

Pick your feet up and move another day. Stop. Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile even though they look away (i always wondered why, although i do both ends). Also why do people not want to talk to you in line? In other cities people are starved for contact. Here we huddle in our established groups too comfortable to reach out and be hungry. Be hungry.

These pictures are from 2009 taken by our talented friend, photographer and jewelery designer Christel Lanthier.

not for prudish eyes

I spent a couple nights ago browsing The Bloggess' sex column which resulted in me posting all sorts of weird links to Facebook, including gingerbread ovaries and craigslist ads for mutual jerking partners, no gays need apply. My absolute favorite the guy who wanted to redo Michael Jackson's Beat It says "we will basically play Beat It over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting". Oh boy... at least there's of internet to keep me entertained with when stuck at home.

But this absolutely blew me away. It's gorgeous and strange, an Amauta Lab short film porn of a blind woman in the woods and a lumberjack. And the actors wear full body knitted suits so they look like living dolls. It's completely bizarre but so well done, I just kept wondering who thought up this idea and sold it to their friends, built a soundstage, found actors and lighting and did the work to make this crazy plushie porn so good! You can learn more about them here.

Five am found me crying on the bathroom floor getting sick. I can't even believe how terrible this month has been. Three entire weeks of being sick or caring for sick people, no relief in sight. Brought Jude to visit his Grandma last night so Chris and I could finally finish Christmas shopping, last minute at a mall I don't enjoy frequenting... No way around it having left it too long to hit the independent craft sales and such. And a passing of germs, hers to us and vice versa, our respective illnesses NOW known to be different, since we both were sent back to being sick sick sick. And a cancellation for our girls getaway this Friday. December blows hard this year. Let's just skip over the rest of the month and move on already.

I am working hard every day to keep moving stay positive know there is an end even if the road seems endless. These walls contain us marinated in sick of home.

As I write this Samara is getting naked in my upstairs loft for her Christmas Cherrystems set :) A party with Bing Crosby and drinks and Christmas trees and nudity. My self-imposed exile on the main floor internet glow sipping water determined to stop from pulling anyone else down this rabbit hole of illness. Can't wait to see the pics though!!!

I am shunned

Well, not me exactly. A part of me. What a sad feeling to have him turn away from the breast and look his nose down at me derisively "I don't WANT that". I hope this byproduct of sore tummy and sore mouth turns around soon because to say goodbye to our nursing relationship would be sad.... I know it will be sad whenever it leaves, that you are never really ready to stop holding and cuddling and staring into his eyes so many times a day. Never ready to kiss goodbye pudgy hands exploring my lips, mouth, face while filling his belly. Noses an especially large fascination - a finger stretched to touch Mama's nose, Jude's nose, Mama's nose, Jude's nose.

Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.

**

In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.

What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...

I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)

my house does not smell nice

Oh sick, when will you leave us?

When you arrived on our doorstep in time for my birthday celebration, i knew you were overdue, grimaced and bore it. You dallied between coughs and sleeplessness and aches and sore tummies. You gave us days of reprieve where things seemed to be improving only to throw us back on the mat after one bad night. It's honestly been two and a half weeks of slowly slowly fighting our way back to normal with not an inch gained. Just in time for the busiest time of year. How many plans will I end up canceling over the next few weeks?

The babe threw up all day today, on the rug on the couch on himself on the bed on mom on our clothes. And then he blew out his diaper dripping liquid poo all over the same rug (thank goodness we haven't cleaned it recently!) All the more incentive for a massive cleaning after this is over... A hot mess of arms and legs slept fitfully on my chest all day. We watched obscene amounts of television (thank you Netflix) and tried getting liquids into him bit by bit. The vomitfest required three loads of laundry today. Oh joyous day. At least he slept, at least we cuddled and cared for him as best we could, at least when dad called from work he listened and talked more than ever before, at least when putting him to sleep, bare chest to bare chest, I felt him squirming and prepared for another puke only to be surprised by a sleeping laughing babe, pure laughter falling from tired lips dreaming of happy days. At least he sleeps knowing mama watches and a whimper brings me to his side. I love you my babe.

winter wonderland (partial nudity warning!)

 

A new set for Cherrystems! I had a blast shooting with Darren from Solalta Photo. Although after coming up with the idea on a warm Monday night walk around residential Corydon, blasting Radiohead while watching headlights and houselights feet striding snowy sidewalks, I had some serious reconsiderations... The temperature dropped and I bussed frozen streets icy breath fogging heavy air. It was cold, cold COLD and I wondered what the hell I was thinking going outside for a nude winter shoot. I worried until the morning of and was still undecided as to whether we'd go ahead. And luckily, a BEAUTIFUL day. Drove out to a deserted Labarrier Park,  quickly stripped and together we got a great set. Which goes up Friday Dec 10th on Cherrystems.com. Hope everyone enjoys a little cold weather Winnipeg nudity!

money. and photos. and cold. oh my

oh my, so much accomplished yesterday. We finally (no use putting it off anymore with layoff here and soon to be no proof to the bank of employment) changed our bank loan to cover all the crap we've been accumulating on the credit card, pay off my student loan and have a little left over for photography fun. It means another few years of paying off debt instead of being finished next Christmas like we'd planned... but either way, it was necessary. The accident last fall was a blow to our financial plans... new car, weeks without work, Chris losing his job due to the dick running Fentons (please continue to support our boycott of any Fentons establishments at the Forks - it makes a HUGE difference and his business has certainly suffered due to it. If you're unfamiliar with the story, I'll fill you in... perhaps another blog to remind all...). The upside was we spent ample time together as a family, learning how to work with each other and spending that important first year bonding. But financially... not the best.

So the new plan is to consolidate all debts in one place... conveniently lowering payments at layoff time. Yay! I really only had another 16 months left to pay on my student loan and initially kept it up for the low interest rate and income tax rebate on interest. Now, considering my interest is only about 10$ a month, it doesn't amount to much. So this morning, one lump sum payment and NO MORE STUDENT LOAN!!! :) Excited all by myself in the living room.

And. AND! I signed up for the PrairieView photography 1 course I've been wanting to take for years! It means rushed plans to buy a camera before Jan 3. Evenings learning all the stuff I've tried to soak in from books and on my own, to no avail. Hopefully the classroom setting/asking questions/practice will help. Having a friend along for the ride will be fun too ;)

A crazy day yesterday... playgroups and visits and bank appointments and pickups and lunch with hubby. I was exhausted from the beginning but somehow managed to enjoy myself through everything. The cutest babe in the world contentedly nursing and showing off his new moves after an afternoon away... Sweet.

 This face...

 Checking out Kristy's phone

 I wonder who took a bite out of this chocolate bar.... through the wrapper ;)

 This is what my bag looks like these days

 The best last three letters left in a game of Scrabble

 Helping Dad cook in the kitchen

 This face... warm body pressed to mine... happiness