in my head
in the clouds
in the mountains
in bed
within me a writhing beast churning, driving me through days i can't imagine ending
we ended our nursing relationship this week, the emotions tempered by going through it alone. Took a train ride to jasper getting paid for minimal work, on a nearly all male crew. i craved female companionship, a friend or a coworker or a comforting ear to unload my concerns and worries onto. a fellow mama or even a male who would listen to me rail about my rock hard boobs (and not sexy large tits... although they did look pretty appealing i must say!). And the loveliness of wearing cabbage leaves in my bra to help dry my milk and soothe my inflamed tatas... of searching jasper for sage tea and sharing my woes with the cashier, if only because she was a she and friendly and told me she'd weaned her son too... it was time alone, forced time to myself to wander darkened mountain streets and overhear small town conversations, to drink wine out of regular hotel room glasses while i immersed my body in water - first bath, then shower, then rooftop hottub and back to the bath, back to the hottub... my breasts ached at me, my camera weighed against them and was left in the room often, they elicited admiring glances and even a comment (after i invited it by mentioning my predicament) that she'd noticed a change in size between days... which says a lot, in our baggy work uniform. Which meant working on a male crew i had to work that much harder not to invite attention/comments/advances....
for those who care and who have been there, i pumped when they became excruciating.... i likely could have pumped earlier but withheld, hoping we had dropped enough feeds and gone many lengths without nursing before that my body would adapt without pumping at all. Not the case and I finally gave in when my boulders hardly floated in the water. And I gave in last night and allowed Jude to nurse in the night, though i was worried of telling my body to produce more but figured enough time had passed that allowing him a sleepy nighttime feed would be alright. And he asks for Na, but not as often as I thought he would. And he pulls at my shirt but last night pressed his hand to my breast and just left it there for comfort. I love his face as I put him to bed and leave the room to a little blond head, eyes peeking out from under his giant comforter. Such intense love, love love love love. And my breasts will belong to me again soon :)
March 27, 2011
March 7, 2011
eight to twelve
eight - family
my boys sweetly interacting over books
nine- sweetness
what could be sweeter than this face
ten- something that is easy for me
shopping is fun, browsing checking out fashions trying new ideas and looks. i don't enjoy shopping purposefully when i need to find something or am being specific. slowly making your way through crowded stores, eyes open to what finds you, draws you. i look always and buy when i love it.
eleven- something that is hard for me
not being critical of my body, no matter what size I am. this winter i lost at least twenty pounds off my usual frame, effects of digestive problems that arise every few years. although it's not good to go through, there's nothing to do but wait out the months of little appetite and sluggishness. the one good thing is losing weight easily, not that am usually unhappy with my size. but for a while i get to enjoy being thin without effort knowing that soon enough my body will return to normal and i don't have the self control or interest in working to maintain a thinner frame.
but no matter what my body looks like, i will always find a criticism when i look at my film. a part of the catharsis in posting photos online and overcoming the self-criticism, knowing in twenty years i'll look back longingly at the body i had in my twenties.
twelve- cold
no explanation needed
my boys sweetly interacting over books
nine- sweetness
what could be sweeter than this face
ten- something that is easy for me
shopping is fun, browsing checking out fashions trying new ideas and looks. i don't enjoy shopping purposefully when i need to find something or am being specific. slowly making your way through crowded stores, eyes open to what finds you, draws you. i look always and buy when i love it.
eleven- something that is hard for menot being critical of my body, no matter what size I am. this winter i lost at least twenty pounds off my usual frame, effects of digestive problems that arise every few years. although it's not good to go through, there's nothing to do but wait out the months of little appetite and sluggishness. the one good thing is losing weight easily, not that am usually unhappy with my size. but for a while i get to enjoy being thin without effort knowing that soon enough my body will return to normal and i don't have the self control or interest in working to maintain a thinner frame.
but no matter what my body looks like, i will always find a criticism when i look at my film. a part of the catharsis in posting photos online and overcoming the self-criticism, knowing in twenty years i'll look back longingly at the body i had in my twenties.
twelve- cold
no explanation needed
March 6, 2011
time is on my mind
time time time time
never enough, always lamenting the rush of life and trying to add more. But I went to yoga on Friday morning, a beautiful grounding moon salutations that had my legs trembling with exertion but stilled my vibrating soul for a spell. I am needing these moments to ground and reconnect with myself as life flashes by, an epileptic episode of moments exciting and mind-numbingly dull.
I am excited to hit the rails again soon... took a trip to vancouver that was a blast despite working a frozen car with non-working toilets or shower, fighting my way through sprays of hot water from a burst pipe at 5am and working night duty both nights. But i got lots of sleep and worked with a fantastic crew, met amazing people including a videographer for Point Blank Creative - check out the faux-trailer for Archie that they just posted online, made with a hundred craigslist volunteers from the vancouver film community. LOVE it! They were working on a short film based on a poem David Pritchett wrote during a rail journey in 2008, a twenty-three minute poem titled I will not shoot buffalo from this train. Looking forward to seeing the finished product in the fall sometime.
Not only that, i sat with Brian for ages discussing cameras and filming. I'd shot a short clip of Jude before leaving to watch when i missed his face... and i couldn't figure out how to focus properly as he ran around the living room in and out of focus (auto 3.5, that's why!!). We talked gear and lenses for a while then he played around and got her set up on manual filming, and filled me in on why shutter speed plays a part of film. Good times talking shop :)
and oh, vancouver was a trip. a too fast brimming day, a little much booze and definitely not enough sleep before rising rockstar at six, hair out of place tight jeans and shades in the still dark morning to catch a flight home. thankfully i dozed in and out on the flight to be awake at home with my favorite boys and an emotional reunion for a toddler dealing with new levels of feeling now that mom goes away. He was a right mess between manically excited dancing to collapsing in tears at every slight. It's a hard age to be feeling everything so intensely and have little control over what goes on. We snuggled and kept close, and nursed (that is the next transition - weaning before back on the train!) while watching Thomas just being together. And the day passed, and his first round of antibiotics is nearly done. This life makes me smile wide.
never enough, always lamenting the rush of life and trying to add more. But I went to yoga on Friday morning, a beautiful grounding moon salutations that had my legs trembling with exertion but stilled my vibrating soul for a spell. I am needing these moments to ground and reconnect with myself as life flashes by, an epileptic episode of moments exciting and mind-numbingly dull.
I am excited to hit the rails again soon... took a trip to vancouver that was a blast despite working a frozen car with non-working toilets or shower, fighting my way through sprays of hot water from a burst pipe at 5am and working night duty both nights. But i got lots of sleep and worked with a fantastic crew, met amazing people including a videographer for Point Blank Creative - check out the faux-trailer for Archie that they just posted online, made with a hundred craigslist volunteers from the vancouver film community. LOVE it! They were working on a short film based on a poem David Pritchett wrote during a rail journey in 2008, a twenty-three minute poem titled I will not shoot buffalo from this train. Looking forward to seeing the finished product in the fall sometime.
Not only that, i sat with Brian for ages discussing cameras and filming. I'd shot a short clip of Jude before leaving to watch when i missed his face... and i couldn't figure out how to focus properly as he ran around the living room in and out of focus (auto 3.5, that's why!!). We talked gear and lenses for a while then he played around and got her set up on manual filming, and filled me in on why shutter speed plays a part of film. Good times talking shop :)
and oh, vancouver was a trip. a too fast brimming day, a little much booze and definitely not enough sleep before rising rockstar at six, hair out of place tight jeans and shades in the still dark morning to catch a flight home. thankfully i dozed in and out on the flight to be awake at home with my favorite boys and an emotional reunion for a toddler dealing with new levels of feeling now that mom goes away. He was a right mess between manically excited dancing to collapsing in tears at every slight. It's a hard age to be feeling everything so intensely and have little control over what goes on. We snuggled and kept close, and nursed (that is the next transition - weaning before back on the train!) while watching Thomas just being together. And the day passed, and his first round of antibiotics is nearly done. This life makes me smile wide.
March 3, 2011
three to seven
i took my camera with me on this trip to vancouver. Left saturday morning, turning my six day work stretch into a nine day odyssey. A great trip, however.
three - best friend and five reasons why
Chris is my absolute best friend. Apart from spending the last ten years entrenched in each others lives separately and together, he still smiles at me from his heart and we grow together to accommodate how each other changes. He is an amazing dad, a great friend and he won't allow me to watch Gossip Girl or America's Next Top Model without him, can debate fashion merits as easily as politics, is smart and interested in new ideas and encourages me to be the most amazing person i can. I feel pretty lucky to have found such a good match so early in life. I love you my closest friend :) on the day i took this we hadn't seen each other for 24 hours already and i left on the train in the morning while he was away for a 15 hour day...
four - romance
I think the train is romance. the movement and clatter of wheels on tracks, rolling past corners of canada and through people's lives smoothly. the stories i hear. the inspiration of the rail life, the music and connections forged through travels and discussion. it lifts you above the mundane to notice intimate moments, to share important times with others.
five - something that scares me
the dark. i used to read horror and horrifically detailed true crime novel. I'd soak it up reading voraciously, learning about the human mind as it's most base instincts and flawed actions. then i'd worry about someone lurking around the corner, unseen under cover of darkness. I'd worry when there was empty space behind me (as in now, at the computer with my back to the room. Damn it!). a continuation of believing in monsters under my bed as a child, leaping from the bed at least three feet out when I had to get out in the night, sleeping back against the wall, more space between me and the edge of the bed... I don't watch scary movies much anymore and avoid the csi and law and order type shows that make me hardened.
six - freedom
freedom here is anonymity. big city life roaming alleys and skies, unchained by scheduling or life expectations, being open to seeing the world just as it is. i couldn't decide between two pictures from my wanderings.
seven - a favorite place
how i love finding nature misplaced in the city. surrounded by concrete and little sunshine a healthy evergreen. discovering little quiet corners within the vast rushing city is what i seek.
three - best friend and five reasons why
Chris is my absolute best friend. Apart from spending the last ten years entrenched in each others lives separately and together, he still smiles at me from his heart and we grow together to accommodate how each other changes. He is an amazing dad, a great friend and he won't allow me to watch Gossip Girl or America's Next Top Model without him, can debate fashion merits as easily as politics, is smart and interested in new ideas and encourages me to be the most amazing person i can. I feel pretty lucky to have found such a good match so early in life. I love you my closest friend :) on the day i took this we hadn't seen each other for 24 hours already and i left on the train in the morning while he was away for a 15 hour day...
four - romance
I think the train is romance. the movement and clatter of wheels on tracks, rolling past corners of canada and through people's lives smoothly. the stories i hear. the inspiration of the rail life, the music and connections forged through travels and discussion. it lifts you above the mundane to notice intimate moments, to share important times with others.
five - something that scares me
the dark. i used to read horror and horrifically detailed true crime novel. I'd soak it up reading voraciously, learning about the human mind as it's most base instincts and flawed actions. then i'd worry about someone lurking around the corner, unseen under cover of darkness. I'd worry when there was empty space behind me (as in now, at the computer with my back to the room. Damn it!). a continuation of believing in monsters under my bed as a child, leaping from the bed at least three feet out when I had to get out in the night, sleeping back against the wall, more space between me and the edge of the bed... I don't watch scary movies much anymore and avoid the csi and law and order type shows that make me hardened.
six - freedom
freedom here is anonymity. big city life roaming alleys and skies, unchained by scheduling or life expectations, being open to seeing the world just as it is. i couldn't decide between two pictures from my wanderings.
seven - a favorite place
how i love finding nature misplaced in the city. surrounded by concrete and little sunshine a healthy evergreen. discovering little quiet corners within the vast rushing city is what i seek.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)