whoa

WHOA!

too much this April! I call quits. Can we fast forward to June?

It's not that things aren't fantastic. They are. To look at how much we are doing and how much fun we're having, it's insanely good. My life is pretty darn wonderful. Except all that work to get to wonderful, the minutia of every day drowning me in lists and must-do's, with looming deadlines nonetheless!! Taxes which haven't been done yet (along with last years... shhh! Christ i really really need to get on it). The garden sits waiting to be tended and raked and prepared for another fruitful year. Warming weather shopping pressure reminds you of all the preparations before we can really enjoy the pending summer. Add preps for back on the train that have hovered all month in anticipation of changes and mama's head feels full of rolling marbles all day and night.

I finally hit up the doctors after months of family concern over my stomach issues and losing weight (definitely a good side benefit, but the feeling sick and hardly eating sure doesn't do much for my health and ability to weather). So the rounds of blood tests and gastroentorologist appts begin anew... Last time I went through this I had high expectations of finding out the reason and making changes to be healthy again. That fell flat after months of rounds and hopes to only be told "you have (insert catch all digestive syndrome here). We don't know what causes it. There is nothing to do except wait out an attack, which can last weeks to months to years. We don't know what can cause a relapse. There is nothing you can do". As you can tell, my hopes are not high for a different outcome this time!!!

However, to rule out ovarian cancer and upper GI infections and on and on we shall begin anew. Here are my recommendations as we wait for results: 

1. low carb diet. Fairly easy to uphold since I don't really feel like eating anything. although I have been trying to eat carbs to maintain my current weight. Hopefully that doesn't plummet as I start limiting my already limited diet, especially since I've already borrowed all my sisters' skinny clothes! I need three full wardrobes, i think. One for my heavy weight, my usual weight and my skinny weight. About 40lbs worth of difference means if you want to actually look good in your clothes you need stuff that actually fits no matter your size.
2. 20 mins of exercise daily. brisk walk, bike ride, intense sexual activity??? I think that counts!! lol. Sticking to this one is fairly easy considering the amount of running after a wild toddler I do.
3. lay off the weed for a month. hmmm, that should be interesting to see how it turns out. My family doctor has heard all and isn't judgmental which is great when it comes to disclosing lifestyle information. So when I explained my usual eating habits - nothing in the morning unless I can force down a smoothie, perhaps a bit of snacking during the day and usually feeling full until dinnertime. But at night I can eat my only full meal of the day. And when I smoke in the evening, munchies guarantee I'll get at least 2/3 of the calories I should take in. Now without that extra push, we'll see if I can manage to eat at all. This should be an interesting May...

So that's where that is.  Let the fun begin?

snuggle monster pictures

train, oh train, where are you

I'm ready. so ready to return to the click clack rumble tracks, pressed blue uniforms still waiting for the sizes that fit this year. And I haven't gotten my letter calling me back to the board though i miss by few numbers... I wait, i wait. And my suitcase sits half packed body taut awaiting calls each day.... the string tightening preparing for change and changing uncertainties. how will the now nearly two year old react to mom's absences? since we ended nursing in the past four weeks he has become a snuggly monster, crawling into laps wrapping strong arms around necks to pull us close, breathe us in and cover our face with wet open mouthed kisses. I feel him approach from behind and climb my back to hold onto me.

His existence is physical. Without words his body radiates, shakes with laughter as the face delights, eyebrows wide face expansive capturing each movement. He leaps and gallops, spins circles and walks a silly wide-gait stride. He touches and pushes and scratches and pulls. His fingers glide on my skin, cupping my face and pressing until it hurts. Nuzzling noses an extreme sport only for those who don't wear glasses or mind bruised faces. When Jude hurts or is shocked and unhappy, his face turns down, arms lash out towards mom or dad. i don't like this his entire body says. Such strong emotions and not being understood to handle at not yet two.

And then he curls on my lap bringing purposeful books (Just me and my Mom), wriggles down to run into the other room and fetch baby bear. His focus surprises me every time. Most other friends his age hardly sit through one story book while Jude could hear twenty long stories without boredom. What a joy reading books with my child.

I'm anxious to go knowing all will change so shortly preferring to start that journey now and GET STARTED ALREADY

Anxious much?

past halfway April

April flies past us every year! expectations of work coming back keeps you on toes, trying to enjoy and prepare. the to-do list insanely long getting longer, searching for breaks and days of non-stop energy to get everything done. My to-do list will have to be separated, prioritized. A house list, a for work, child, summer, etc....

then i set it aside. the lists sits idle buried on the desk while we make snowmen in the yard early Saturday when the sticky late night downfall rolled perfect instant snowballs, my boy munching carrots and getting dirty in the mucky wet yard. We've been ricocheted to family birthday party with usual undercurrents of frustration, an overtired but appreciated visit with my midwife Kat who hadn't been seen since Jude was two months, goodbye tears with my youngest Mimi who flew to Hong Kong Friday but got stuck in Calgary for a day and now roams buddhist temples and crowded marketplaces. then we added insane reconnection time for our three man family. How lovely to manage so much time together despite a friday and saturday and monday that rivalled insanity in things to get done.

But we did everything we'd hoped, including an incredible show with Flying Fox and the Hunter Gatherers. Everytime I catch them live the energy catches me, how each moves and dances with abandon, completely embracing the project and whatever they need to do. I can't imagine any egos onstage going I don't sing/dance maniacally/drum garbagecans/wear an improbable huge costume while trumpetting (or even more improbably but insanely impressive, tromboning!!!).  

The songs intricately crafted, his melodic theatrical mesmerizing voice commanding above it. Each has their moments though, as the bass player throws his frame around the stage dueling drums or piano or voice. I got some great shots of the show a few months ago and were i not shy of walking in front i'd have more. Still, who can't love six hot trained musicians that make folk mythic music that coils inside and rocks you end to end. Winnipeg grown too - this is the stuff I love to find! 

Chris and I kicked ourselves hard for not seeing them perform the Where the Wild Things Are rock opus they wrote in the past couple years. When the second act brought three songs each perfectly encompassed of the story we all know (and as he wails "i'll EAT you up" and growls I'll eat you up and moans "i'll eat. You. up.", he is the boy in the wolf suit). then the wild rumpus began and I couldn't believe how we'd missed seeing it once at the Park Theatre and again during fringe fest last year where we didn't attend any shows, again.... We won't make that mistake again. this a show we have to make it to!

It was so worth going. Ended far too soon as music like this should continue late into the night, drinks in hand and rocking dance floor romances forming as bodies move to old time tunes. the kitchen parties and music that continues while players float in and out and forms on its own.

Since it ended early we made it to an east kildonan prairie social where 420 tickets sold along traditional 50/50 and auction tickets. the train and non-train friends were both great to see as we trolled dressed to nines in suspender shorts and bowties. Not your usual social attire  but of course our priorities lay in looking good for the show ;) obviously. I didn't win (obviously, because i never do unless the prize of alcohol is useless to me in pregnancy). But great to catch up with those we often don't see and enjoy our night out together to the ends. Then we came home and tangled the sheets... another pro to moving out of the family bed last month when he'd be 21months. As much as i miss sleeping with a warm, cuddly snugglebug.... i am loving the freedom of bedtime when we choose and playtime when we want, extra space in our queen size without our 5ft toddler taking up half the room. We can chat in bed without worrying about waking him. And he sleeps through the night almost every night, waking between 4-7a.m. but leaning to the latter most days. Oh it's been heavenly!

And now, adieu. 

spring transitions

she lays naked on the couch, grey sweater silhouetting curves barely. languid from bathing heat rising from skin, smooth air dried skin still slightly dry emerging from hidden winter hideout. these days are warm enough that winnipeggers steal every possible moment outside. on walks we see life in yards on porches, strolling the village still sporting tired winter fashions, matted hairs and not needed layers we can't quite put away. the students frantically study celebrating each exam knocked down anticipating summer drinking cabin visits time...

i know better, i know no extra time exists. it doesn't stop me yearning for the return to rails with long blocks in between, the escape and excitement of new experiences, the rhythm. Long summer eves with friends and wine, being self learning more, stimulation.  I can't wait to escape city bounds, bring my boy to the country to roam fields and trails, wander and see where it leads. His smile fills his entire face, every corner filled with grins and light.

my littlest sister leaves for adventure on friday and excitement for her fights with seeing her struggle to make this huge change. my mimi is forever three years old, pudgy hand reaching for mine, forming identity within a huge brood of five strong personalities. Mature beyond her years and serious (at times!), compartmentalizing parts of her life and allowing different parts to come out with every group. And now, she'll wander the world with her closest friend to discover herself. The nerves, the worries and before we know friday morning boarding flights to asia begins. The sisters and mom feted her at lunch and the first goodbyes ached my heart, knowing when she returns everything will be the same except one. She is due to return after leona's due date, although we do birth late babies. chances are no baby will arrive and she'll anxiously rush home hoping... Such changes, such transitions... i can't wait to see her come home to us, be changed and energized for wherever life leads next

these days....

cuteness update

between coming home from work today and getting ready to meet a friend Chris took a nap upstairs. Jude has been somewhat unwell the last while, lots of runny noses and leaking eyes tired sore tummy babe. He must have thought Chris was sick too and kept coming over to take care of him. Lay down beside him, pull up blankets, give kisses, bring water...  he even took a piece of toilet paper to wipe dad's nose while he lay there... Do you think he's ingrained this piece of taking care of already?

So loving and such a sweet, caring boy

dance time

We've been rocking out to some crazy tunes lately... though i look like a crazy animal maniacally dancing through the house, my bean loves it and collapses into giggles. That is when he isn't spinning leaping bum shaking floor wiggling non stop dance partying right along with me

I know our neighbours in the apartments across get plenty to see when they look through our front window. I'm sure they have some very interesting ideas about us! We decided early on not to worry about them... our blinds are sheer and when the light shines through at night they'll see everything we do anyway. As much as I am myself in public, in my home i unwind. relax. don't care whether we look good. spend ample amounts of undressed. If someone gets a thrill peeking through our windows i hope it's a good one.

My three favorite videos/songs of the moment are all dance focused. I love watching people dance! Especially when they're talented and stir emotions from the gut. That's one skill I'd love to have, to be able to dance well! I dance, at home, when drunk or when the music gets in my bones and I can't help moving. But it's far from a pretty sight and I certainly couldn't go up and confidently shake my moves with someone else :) Though I'd be sorely tempted.

These are the three in my head all the time these days... which made me start thinking of my favorite dance videos of all time. I think a compilation is in order.

Love love love love... each in it's own way. Still struggling with staying home all of april. I was hoping to get away and still harbour faint hopes of booking a last minute ticket and taking off. for where? who knows. to do what? whatever it brings

So, all time favorite dance videos
Weapon of Choice- Fatboy Slim
Yes please to Christopher Walken breaking it down as only he can
Days go by - Dirty Vegas

I'm taking suggestions for further additions so please do add in :)

to family

i saw my sister tonight bright and glowing, hair curling (not a usual thing for those who know the lovely Le, who began straightening her hair at fourteen and doesn't often let it flow). A gorgeous glowing mane of curls welcomed us in from chill april air to a brightly lit living room, full curved baby growing self standing there. She just looked so relaxed, fresh faced and happy in a house space with her man, getting things ready for the babe to come. And in a large, now snug tee she looked so full and gorgeously round already you wonder how big she will be in three months!

i will become an aunty through her, a different experience than being aunty to chris' niece and nephews... Especially through a sister and one who although we cycle in and out of close contact have always had an important connection and ability to talk about anything. And a close cousin for jude. Her original due date had been his same birthday plus two years! We do have an interesting habit of clustering birthdays in my family...

I am Nov 24 and my mom Nov 25
Le and my dad share a Feb 10
Marc and Mimi obviously are twinned on July 26

My bro Gabe the only one without a birthday partner... and born on a friday the 13th no less! We would tease him for it, the bad luck birthday and all alone as well while secretly craving a birthday that didn't always result in shared cake and attention. My mother early in my lifetime decided one year to celebrate hers in september so as to actually receive a celebration that was about her. But birthdays were always an important thing at home.

My parents - usually my mom - baked personalized cakes. A guitar for my dad, a burger, a train and a castle and bunny rabbits, a cat with licorice whiskers... My most amazing cake came during my Beatles obsession, oddly coinciding with a Marily Manson phase which may have been influenced by a lot of Circus and Hit Parader. Oh the 90s music mags, i miss them... I digress. my walls were covered with Nirvana and MM competing for space with my prior tween crush magazine photos, an entire outside wall with my favorite liverpool boys. The year my dad photocopied the Abbey Road cover, cut out and laminated each beatle then walked them across my birthday cake. Definitely the best cake i got. My brother wanted pies to the face one silly fourth grade or so year. he absolutely got his wish.

and soon we will have a new wish join us and create a family of it's own. A little family watching Labyrinth lounging one quiet friday night at home, unsorted baby clothes waiting and changes rushing them slowly...