terror at 567

He became an overnight terror. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Suddenly, all the things he's successfully ignored for months become beacons in a boring indoor cave, he literally runs from area to area causing destruction and constant watchfulness. I let him be pretty independent but now I find needing to check in each minute he's quietly out of my sight. I couldn't leave it for more. How many times I found myself calling out "Jude? Jude?? What are you doing?" from the kitchen. Honestly, probably every minute I didn't hear from him.

This morning he tore more pieces out of the speaker. And for the first time deliberately disobeyed a strong order from me... Oh sure, he's played around before and cheekily tried to get away. But he knows the tone and will usually complain while stopping... Not today's reality. No way. He's got his mind into doing certain things and won't be deterred. Least of all by me!

We did have a lovely day again, lots of errands got done after finally getting the car back. It runs beautifully. But I have to go back since they didn't leave the keys in the glovebox as promised so I'm down to one set of keys. And it's not close!

Chris broke the shovel. I guess that's what happens when you take a few day break from shoveling while others break backs out nightly. It seems to have snowed every day since thursday... We are loving watching the plows and other equipment work the streets and lane. Loud protests each time one moves on. Emotions run high in this household lately. Sick plus cooped up multiplied by toddlerhood... Soon this stage will have passed and I'll remember the days when he watched movies naked cuddled up to dad, then mom, topped with a latenight dance party before crashing out.

I love how the streetlights glow off winter lawns... daylight snow glare makes me want Inuit sun goggles... not sure how I'd fit those over my regular glasses though. I found these great inspired frames at Ijaak Sungoggles

Have I mentioned what I want more than anything? Yes, a Hudson Bay wool jacket. A vintage in good condition would be a nice find but I'd buy new if the style worked. Ultimate winnipeg prairie look. Five months of winter means a good cold weather wardrobe!

 Alright, enough drooling... My next purchases are going to be a camera (EEEeeee! Finally!!!) and hopefully a laptop too. I CAN'T WAIT! Til another time.

S

it was my birthday

Yesterday. 28 years of living, learning, growing, backtracking, failing, falling, trudging, repeat. The cycle goes on, some day highs of joy and contentment and happiness, others plunging to not understood lows. That goes for mood. For temperature. For successes and failures and creativity and the push to actually do something. As you can tell, it was a weird day for me yesterday.

I woke up feeling sad. And sick. Also tired and a little miserable. But it was my birthday. And Chris went to work in the afternoon and I made chicken and coconut rice for the potluck and Jude was sick and miserable as well and he whined at my legs most of the day. Although these sort of sick days also result in a pale red-cheeked baby willing to cuddle for hours while watching videos. Which we do more and more of these cold stuck inside snowing for the last five days. Pyjamas until noon, or more often after naps which could end between one and three (sick routines are not so easy to follow). And it's cold by our giant picture window that we haven't sealed with plastic yet so I crank the heat and leave blankets around everywhere making plans to knit and quilt and buy more from goodwill. Jude wore his slippers for the very FIRST time since he was able to remove items from his feet. At least the cold living room is good for something. But we haven't yet added silicone caulking (yes, that's the plan) to the bottom of the felted wool for grip so he went sliding everytime he hit the linoleum or wood floors in the rest of the house. 1903. This is a cold house.

We had everyone over for a potluck last night. Everyone being all my brothers and sisters and parents who lovingly braved ridiculous roads and traffic to come celebrate in my cozy house. And how lovely that I didn't have to leave the house myself. It was the perfect way to enjoy the snowstorm... I haven't left the house since Monday I think. So far we have everything we need :)

And despite my morning funk and initial frustration at feeling so crummy on my birthday, it turned out perfectly that it was my birthday. All the messages and videos people sent me, all the phone calls and dropins (although I did feel crazy for a while) helped move the day, wine helped, chocolate almonds/blueberries/cherries from Sugar Mountain helped, a cuddly nursing boy helped (and hindered too although always very cutely). It was a busy day and today I have two people dropping in to see us, while tomorrow brings a full day of CAW EI workshop. Then an evening special yoga night for women at Blue Moon Wellness with the fantastic Amanda. I am SO looking forward to "an extension of the vrat (resolution) rituals for women in ancient, medieval, and current day India". And then maybe on Saturday we can actually get the car back.

Things have been busy, since being home. It's a different kind of busy and some days I don't feel like I accomplish a lot, but I still feel really busy.

This was my birthday in pictures.
It snowed. A lot.
Pretending not to be sick and grumpy.
My lovely family.
Jude got bonked on the head and night collapsed into heaving sobs and bedtime.
Chris shoveled. Again.

S.A.D.

I have been self-medicating and some days are better than others. I realized my usage was going up as the days got shorter and sunlight limited. Sometimes at home, in the day even when my son was around me. It pulled me through afternoons of stay home lethargy and gave me energy and initiative to complete stuff I really didn't want to do. It quells my anxious storm thoughts and allows my true self to emerge - calmer, happier, focused and able to sit quietly and relax, take in the moments.

I realized this was happening because I do examine myself often. Why I make certain decisions. What kind of person I want to be. How I can continue being my actual self in face of the various roles I've adopted - mother, wife, friend, partner, sister daughter inlaw. It's a constant balancing act to be enough of each of these and still retain who I started as and who my real self is. I said it often that my train work saves me from falling into patterns and forgetting myself. Days away interacting with passengers and coworkers without child or family around to position you. Days to reclaim your own identity, your jokes and music and interests, people who don't know you as the awesome mom who bakes and colors and adores being a domestic lady. The hard part is marrying that with the independent part who misses walking alone in the snow, watching people move quietly, stopping, seeing... I miss those things which I don't experience anymore with a child. I experience new things that stop my heart with joy. I constantly feel like I'm not giving enough of myself to him because I cling to my own enjoyments and projects and simply time to myself. I constantly feel like I can't apply enough of myself to any of the projects that are so important to me. And then I have even more ideas but seemingly no time to move on them.

I realized I was self-medicating to slow down. Enjoy. Breathe. And feeling sometimes depressed and often anxious/stressed, it was something I already did and it helped. The alternative I know would be to see a doctor and get prescribed more medication. Which I did take while pregnant but which also travels through breastmilk and not all effects of are known. Or find an alternative treatment to seasonal affective and anxiety. I know this happens, every year. Last year an anomaly in that while steadily breastfeeding and the heavy involvement with a new baby, I didn't feel the effects (softened by love hormones coursing through our household, keeping cozy and warm in the streetlight glow off white yards). But every year past for the last number the lowering of depression, the curtain started to strain my relationships my ability to handle the busyness. So it's expected. And so far, this seems to help.

We discussed it, Chris and I. So that he knew I was aware that my usage went up, so he could also watch and tell me if he notices any negative effects. Thus far things have worked. Staying in mostly to avoid the cold and winter roads (we could use visitors! if anyone wants to come play in our newly reclaimed upstairs and stay cozy with us). And many things still to keep busy with.... So perhaps these next months will go by smoothly and the worst hump will be over. It really blows that it coincides with Christmas because I've always enjoyed the season... I just need to remember what I like about it (cider with cinnamon sticks, tobogganning and carols, warm nights in with friends and perhaps a couple nights out!) and avoid the rest. The tree is up although not straightened out yet (yes, one year we will cut down our own but for now we have a mammoth's Michaels tree setup in the suite upstairs). The carpet is gone and wood floors underneath although we'll be looking for a new area rug. Something nice, woven. And while there's more work to do we take minutes to sit and enjoy each other. Make treats and watch Polar Express in pjs on a cold november night.

This is us. I'm doing ok :)

a quiet smile

Things have been good... My piano concert went off really well, I thought. Of course I slipped and to me it was obvious but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It went quickly! For that I wasn't prepared. Once I got started the pieces flew under my fingers. It was all I could do to slow down and enjoy each one fully. My set list was

1)  Lines of Desire - Tarik O’Regan

2)  Lacrymosa - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

3)  Glassworks - Philip Glass

4)  The Heart Asks Pleasure First - Michael Nyman

5)  Hush - Craig Armstrong

6)  Gnossienne no. 3 - Eric Satie

7)  Sur le fils (Amélie) - Yann Tiersen
 ⋞ Intermission (10 mins) ⋟

8)  (You make me feel like) A Natural Woman - Carol King
with Celindy Oige ~ vocals and guitar

9)  Moving Ground - James Whitburn

10)  Winter (3rd Movement) - Antonio Vivaldi

11)  Jewish Town (Schindler’s List) - John Williams

12)  Elegy - Chris Craker

13)  Big My Secret - Michael Nyman

14)  The Quiet Room - Debbie Wiseman

15)  Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven

And we came home to a quiet house. Jude on an overnight visit to Nanny's house, I kept finding myself quietly sneaking down the hall so not to wake him. Although we came home slowly down powdered pembina roads feeling dead tired from the hours weeks months of prep, we still stayed up til two. Collapsing into a baby-free bed for the night (so restful!) waking to a snowed walk down corydon and breads and circuses breakfast.

Today I did nothing. Nothing. I rested, I played, I read, I watched a movie... we dined on KD and weiners... watched Thomas and Rolie Polie Olie on youtube. Chris got to enjoy the best part of going away - reuniting, his happy giddyness at having mom and dad at home palpable. His kisses and hugs, huge mischievous grins... His smiles these days are delicious and sneaky, knowing, tugging at the emotional manipulations "hey, if I do that do they always react the same? Can I get out of it with a giggle and dogged determination?" It's hilarious and often exhausting to keep up - but this is the exhaustion I love, the sweaty blond head stopping to rest at my breast, snuggled into mom's warmth, breathing heavily. What a great decision we made when we decided to have a child. What an amazing, lovely child we have. I'm in love.

A few things I've really enjoyed lately:

Winter's Bone - I wanted to see this film when it came out and is a powerful, intense storyline beautifully shot. Slow moving at times but completely absorbing. That link brings you to the streamed movie, if you want to read more about it go read the CBC writeup here.  

These Roving Eyes continues to rescue me from the no time toddlerhood days with music lists to download that feature usual treats (Sia, Owen Pallet, Fiona Apple, Cat Power, Tegan and Sara, Caribou) and introducing me to new faves (Gentleman Reg, Antony and the Johnsons, Gonzales, Perro). Plus he may be my favorite Toronto man... you'll see why.

How women can participate in Movember kept me laughing the last few days when I needed a quick pick me up. Unfortunately Chris only decided to participate when the month was more than half over. How large does the moustache need to be to count?

Take a look at how lovely my days have been:

 

early one tuesday morn..

Things are coming together! I was so excited to set up my sewing machine and have a space to keep all my crafting stuff! Yarn, fabrics, paper and assorted crafting supplies... My upstairs closet looks amazing! Now all I need is the time to start working on my quilt, finishing up random knitting projects and start whatever else comes to mind. But I have space!

When we moved into this house Chris quickly claimed the basement as his own. He set up a table for his artwork and another to lay out all his toys and model train stuff. Being that I don't really enjoy sitting in a cold, damp, dark basement, I was perfectly happy to let him take it over. And before baby it was fine to pull out a box of crafting stuff although the prep did sometimes drain me of energy for the project. But since Jude's been motoring around I felt progressively squished. There was no room for me to do anything! Now I have a space of my own and I CAN'T WAIT to get in there and accomplish something again!!

In other news, the concert is coming fast and furious. Three more days to finish the assorted preparations, complete desserts and practice practice practice! The positive stuff? I learned Moonlight Sonata in one week after not practicing it at all during the past four months! Not so good is that I decided to switch one of my pieces.... on Sunday night. And am still not totally decided on which piece I'll use instead. And I have to learn it in time... Yikes! I think it'll be such a fun night though. Can't wait to get together with all the people I love and have a lovely evening :)

Had to deal with some friends and family secret drama that seems to have turned out ok. Finally! It's so much better to have things out in the open and move forward. And I've been able to sneak away to yoga while Chris takes Jude to playgroup. Sanity saver! There is still way more left on my to-do list but for now we focus on the concert. Next week I can deal with everything else.

 Halloween night - via uniform and thing 2

 Relaxing with my love

 Bathtime antics

Merrily we roll along...

when does it stop?

The merry go round broke down...

Well, I'm not really broken yet, more cracked and fighting to keep momentum. This time of year has always been difficult for me. I lose patience with family drama and yearn to retreat into myself. Lacking energy to deal with other people and their issues. Working hard to fulfill my own goals and feeling critical of everything. I mean it, everything. It's a time where I feel listless. Although I'm moving just as quickly to finish everything on my plate, that excitement and appeal isn't there. A few months to just plod along until things pick up.

Sorry to be returning to blogland with yet another lament as to how thin I feel stretched and how I continue to pile more on my already overwhelmed plate. Let's bake all the desserts for my piano concert? Sure! Photo shoot this week? Why not! Handywoman assistant to my 8months pregnant, hard core nesting friend? What kind of friend would I be?

Chris and I have been having a lot of great conversations lately. Today we talked about the requirements of being a good friend. When a friend is in need, it usually doesn't happen at a convenient or easy time. And although you can always refuse, a good friend shows up to lend a hand, comes over with soup when you're sick, knows that silence isn't a bad thing. But being a good friend really boils down to showing up. I know I want to teach Jude that it's important to do for others but also how to be a supportive, caring long time friend. I've always thought I treat my friends the way I would like to be treated. If it comes back great! I have received so much love and support over the years...

Things here are wild as usual. Layoff has happened, I'm done for the winter and hurriedly rushing through my to do list. One week til the concert and much practicing has to happen, desserts are partially completed but still lots of planning and setup to complete. It WILL be fun, I keep reminding myself. But for sure I am totally stressed and nervous about screwing up, being stressed the entire evening and not enjoying myself, etc... I wish all the preparations were done and we were just there already! Before I know it....

Haven't had time at all to work on my winter photography project but that should start ramping up soon. After Brent moved out, we've been hurriedly painting trim and cleaning up the upstairs so we can take over the space. I, of course, want this done as quickly as possible so I can have more space for Jude to run around and craft in, not to mention putting up the christmas tree. And I have a birthday coming up in two weeks and nothing to do! Ideas?

Every. single. year. at this time I decided that I don't want to be here for Christmas, the running around and stress not outweighed by my love of carols and hot chocolate and toboganning. Every. Single. Year. I decide that one year, we'll run away to Jamaica for two weeks and spend the holiday listen to island Christmas carols sipping boozy drinks enjoying the sunshine and ignoring the mess at home. I know, I love christmas but the excess and busyness and my frustration with people always overtake the things I love.

Alright, enough depressing musings for one night. On to the next writing exercise

To Do

Paint trim in upstairs room

Clean, clear out carpet, get rid of kitchen stuff

Type and print programs

Photocopy music for concert

Seating arrangements, desserts, supplies needed

Follow up on RSVPs
Practice

Find pt work

Get frozen carrots out of the garden FINALLY!

Make appointment for car

Make massage appointment

Start yoga

Enjoy being at home, laid off and able to focus on everything else