year 2000 rewind

lately I find myself thrown back in time. Everywhere I turn there are folks to reconnect with that I lost touch with a decade ago. It seems even more poignant at this time because these were people who circulated as I was forming myself and immediately before beginning my eleven years with Chris. As we come to a close, it feels bizarre to be randomly tossed back into a scene that I excused myself from years ago.

In retro/intro-spection, I've discovered my pattern for forming intense, short lived connections. Upon disillusionment, drifting apart or  various reasonings, I haven't held on to many people in my life. Felt comfortable ending times with friends once we no longer connected on the level I'd hoped. It's only been recently that I've rediscovered lost friendships from the past (kristy!) and was able to withdraw from the fog of disillusionment to respect and appreciate the things about people that initially drew me to them. Finding the same respect in friendship that I held for intimates.

I hold solidly to reasons for breaking contact, especially because it's as hard to redefine a friendship it is in a relationship. You both have to be invested and willing to have tough conversations - we expect those things from our partners, but not generally from our friends. Fair weather friends. So it's easier to let go of what you had, and mourn that loss, then to talk and each contribute to how and in what way you can continue being friends.

Oh, I've found myself thinking lots about friendships, relationships, how people come in and out of your lives and what they were there to contribute. It's always been a fascination, the watching of how people interact and move together, but now from inner turmoil a new perspective. A universal respect and efforts at love, at openness, at welcoming people for their selves outside of expectations. Of nurturing those which are important to me. And of appreciating the contributions we have, brief or continual, from the people in our lives who love us. Love. 

Am I on the return path, choosing again from the same surroundings? Brought back to a moment in my life where certain people circled me, where a job offer in Rogue's Gallery turned down leads to an equally handed job from the same owner, new establishment. Every turn leads me to another familiar face I haven't seen or thought of in years. I know this is Winnipeg but it's non stop and intense. Not bad necessarily, though I am wondering what I am supposed to learn and contemplate from this. Clearly things are culminating at certain points in my life for a reason. if I am to learn and make better decisions in my future i'll need to understand what choices I made, or didn't make. 

Introspection, baby. It's a gas. 

Single in 2012

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.

Winnipeg ~ too small/small enough ?

Oh my Winnipeg, I do love you. Mind you I can escape your heavily roped restraints anytime I need. And I do need that flight from home turf.

I chose to stay on the edges, never immersing myself too heavily in a scene where I would then become known. Where the same faces floated about you, old interactions and remembered histories clashing with desire for open clean slates. Chose is not a complete story though. Continuous uprooting meant I didn't settled down for long in a space, leaving town and friendships, schools, groups. Rotating into orbits for a time. A time of discovery, of exploring who I was through new friends and the people around me. 

And I missed, of course, walking into a room knowing tons of people. 

But I didn't. And was enjoying relative anonymity. 

Met fleeing this strangling city this fall an experimental filmmaker, complete in bitter loathing for a city that didn't provide him opportunities or recognize him while York University offered full scholarship for his film master, plus chance to teach and work with idols. I argued Winnipeg provided a good place for lots of artists, those who preferred toiling in obscurity and that we foster a great arts/music scene.  Clearly, not for all. For some the scene is incestually small, adult interactions high school reminiscent. 

And my place became clearer still - though I enjoy knowing people I really enjoy being on the fringes... and not knowing everyone. Because as soon as that happens every action becomes noticed. logged to be judged, somehow, later on. 

Going to a show this Friday brought it out. I get to the Pyramid often enough and usually it's packed, though that also tends to be the shows I choose. This was a local show, 60s spy themed. Not too busy, though the music was great and introduced me to superb local group This Hisses. 

Wow! strands of Portishead and Radiohead, rock surf noir. J'adore. Will be out to see them again. And I knew I remembered one of the members from another lifetime at the Red Herring when we were briefly friends. those who spent late nineties nights hanging out there will know. And I knew the singer of the Rockdoras too. Saw some regular scene faces and even the unrecognizable shared quick histories and one degree separation. Shared partners from the past? Too convenient.

What made this too much, almost too much closeness in Winnipeg, is that I haven't been around this scene in nearly twelve years. And still had way too many connections and recognizables around me.

Next time I search a facebook event instead of checking how many people I know going and sending invites, I'll look for the most anonymous of events. Within the same small list of interesting goings-on... wish me luck!