year 2000 rewind

lately I find myself thrown back in time. Everywhere I turn there are folks to reconnect with that I lost touch with a decade ago. It seems even more poignant at this time because these were people who circulated as I was forming myself and immediately before beginning my eleven years with Chris. As we come to a close, it feels bizarre to be randomly tossed back into a scene that I excused myself from years ago.

In retro/intro-spection, I've discovered my pattern for forming intense, short lived connections. Upon disillusionment, drifting apart or  various reasonings, I haven't held on to many people in my life. Felt comfortable ending times with friends once we no longer connected on the level I'd hoped. It's only been recently that I've rediscovered lost friendships from the past (kristy!) and was able to withdraw from the fog of disillusionment to respect and appreciate the things about people that initially drew me to them. Finding the same respect in friendship that I held for intimates.

I hold solidly to reasons for breaking contact, especially because it's as hard to redefine a friendship it is in a relationship. You both have to be invested and willing to have tough conversations - we expect those things from our partners, but not generally from our friends. Fair weather friends. So it's easier to let go of what you had, and mourn that loss, then to talk and each contribute to how and in what way you can continue being friends.

Oh, I've found myself thinking lots about friendships, relationships, how people come in and out of your lives and what they were there to contribute. It's always been a fascination, the watching of how people interact and move together, but now from inner turmoil a new perspective. A universal respect and efforts at love, at openness, at welcoming people for their selves outside of expectations. Of nurturing those which are important to me. And of appreciating the contributions we have, brief or continual, from the people in our lives who love us. Love. 

Am I on the return path, choosing again from the same surroundings? Brought back to a moment in my life where certain people circled me, where a job offer in Rogue's Gallery turned down leads to an equally handed job from the same owner, new establishment. Every turn leads me to another familiar face I haven't seen or thought of in years. I know this is Winnipeg but it's non stop and intense. Not bad necessarily, though I am wondering what I am supposed to learn and contemplate from this. Clearly things are culminating at certain points in my life for a reason. if I am to learn and make better decisions in my future i'll need to understand what choices I made, or didn't make. 

Introspection, baby. It's a gas.