on the road, again

Tomorrow we leave again. I am away almost more than I am home these days. It's not a bad thing, these days are necessary and finite. At times difficult, sometimes rejuvenating, clarifying... I think my job saves my sanity sometimes. I keep moving, it's always different and changing. When I stood static I yearned, and longed every  day to move and observe. I held myself back from running away, stared into clouds of planes jetting to places mundane and exotic, fought my nature to stay and root, connect and form a relationship. I wanted it and the sacrifice was worth it (although necessary? Of that I'm not sure).

Sometimes I meet travelers, nomads from faraway lands moving through landscapes and people and I scramble to connect with the fragments of me who are them.

But I am moving, my landscapes are changing too, I arrive in a new city with anonymity and open eyes, roaming alleys and parks and eats, ready to engage and content to watch. Someone speaks to me each time. Someone ready to engage, happy to find another to create moments, fleeting connections, what if immediate friendships.

Last time I met Rei, a japanese photographer selling images taken in India, raising messages of western indulgence and inability to process relate to utter poverty. Every time someone new. And I see too many actors from Degrassi TNG that I think I must watch too much tv.

The invitations are completed and most are sent out. If you are named Celindy or Christel, or are a sibling, your invitations are safe on my computer desk until I can fit in dropping them off. Don't they look pretty? 5 hours of work later... but hand made and all different is worth it, i think.

 We cleaned the yard. The following set of pictures is Jude, within less than a minute.. Hard to get such a busy guy to be still for an instant. That second one is my fave monster pose... He is actually happy, deliriously so.

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow we leave for Halifax, another whirlwind I must seek out or how could our lives be this full? It's a good full and I'm not quite sure how things have gotten here... but it's good? I think so. I think so.

secrets

 I discovered SecretTweets.com tonight and it's the most fascinating, heartbreaking look into people's secret hearts. Remember the installation PostSecret where people mailed in postcards, homemade, bought or plain with just a secret on it? I saw it at the Winnipeg Art Gallery a few years ago and remember being captivated by the short, static summary of a secret each was carrying around. Some were funny, some insanely serious, but essentially it was such a peekhole into the recesses of their minds...

Secrettweets is a site where people can post a secret to twitter anonymously. Now I am not a fan of Twitter (despite hearing about it ad nauseam and hearing both sides often) but the first page caught me immediately with:  

I want to finish work but I don't want to go home as he'll be there to mentally bully me. It would be easier if I didn't love him. 

 Whoa. Then:  

I fear more than anything that my racial thoughts and tendencies will prevent me from being a good teacher. 

You asked if I was having an affair with your husband. I lied.

I feel loneliest on the bus home from work as I know an empty apartment awaits me. I often have to choke back the tears.

My husband rarely talks to me. So when he's sleeping I look through his phone, his car & his clothes to see how his day went. 

All these thoughts... feelings... secrets that they don't share with anyone. We're all walking around leading secret lives, our outer exposed composure a different face then the one we hide inside, apart from even our loves and closest friends. How sad. You can leave comments too.. Then the seriousness is broken up by

Going in for a vasectomy tomorrow, the doc says "bring an ipod". If there was ever a harder playlist to come up with... 

My coworker and I got high together. I cant help but wonder if she wanted to have wild crazy sex with me as much as I wanted with her 

I put tabasco in your pie. Thats why it tasted so bad. 

It's consuming reading these and addictive. To have such a clear view past the mask and see the true thoughts... How many secrets can you keep before the fractured pieces don't hold together anymore? And the "tweeting rules" of only using so many characters keep things strangely concise. 

This tore at my stomach:

This yr I am going to tell u that the reason I cldnt be your maid of honor or in the wedding ws bc your dad raped me 6 six yrs ago.  

If you check it out, I'd love to know what you think about it. 

colds and flus

I am coming down with something. Perhaps it's just the beginning and I can catch it early and head it off with ginger and honey and lemon and booze (just kidding. but, not really. a little booze can help with the sore throat.). According to Chatelaine, here are 10 Ways to Stay Flu Free. See if you can spot my problemssssss...

1. Get the latest vaccine - I have never been vaccinated in my life. I believe in allowing your body to create an immunity by exposure and healthy living, not by introducing an outside virus loaded with preservatives and other nasty stuff in hopes of creating an immunity. So, NO!
2. Wash your hands - Good one, Chatelaine! I do this often but a reminder is always helpful.
3. Take Time to Breathe - also good, relating to stress and how when you are stressed it sends your immune system out of whack. Although in the info, they state it "can impair how well your body responds to the vaccine." You've seen my thoughts on that. And who has time to breathe when you're stressed!! AAAHhhh
4. Stock up on Sanitizers - Well..... I do have a natural sanitizer. Which Chatelaine tells me is basically useless because unless the alcohol content is 1000% (jk) it's useless. And I believe my sanitizer is alcohol-free. So, balls. 
5. Clean Surfaces - like doorknobs. Or, with a toddler, like the entire house from eye-level down. Hmmm, not gonna happen.
6. Eat Well - true, there has been a lot of bread lately. And premade meals to give me time to get everything else done...
7. Take Vitamin D - I'm heading to the store today! Definitely lacking.
8. Sleep Tight - Um, no. We maybe got 4.5 hours last night. Maybe. And then I woke up with a scratchy throat. It's bad when you look forward to going to work because 5 hours on a noisy train is better than home sleep.
9. Steer clear of coughing coworkers - HEAR THAT? All you sickies, stay home. Oh wait, that's me. And I need the money. So, how about.... you steer clear of me?? sorry.
10. Walk Every Day - I generally do, and am still sick. Some things you  can't avoid.

Today I want to stay in my pjs all day. Doesn't matter that I have to go to the grocery store. I'm gonna be that mom, in her fuzzy pajama bottoms and hair sticking straight up, barking at her kids cuz she's stressed and sick, the one who everyone looks at and thinks "pull it together!" and then quietly looks away. And then, I'm gonna come home and drink cheap red wine still in last night's pajamas and avoid the to-do list which tells me everything that ABSOLUTELY MUST BE DONE RIGHT NOW and pretend like it's ok that I spent naptime taking a bath and reading magazines on the couch. It's ok, right? We're all entitled to days like this, aren't we? Does this mean I should start taking my meds again or am I just in a little stress/sick/busy funk?

the lows...

How can one day be so high and the next such an awful day? I felt out of sorts all day yesterday and on top of that seem to finally be catching the colds I've (somewhat) avoided until now. Dommage because Jude's cold is finally abating. I know this because yesterday I only wiped his nose periodically instead of the ten thousand times daily we've been running at. Should I stop kissing him now that I'm sick? Is it likely the same strain which he's probably immune to or are we going to have a month of sickness in this household. And we leave for f'n Halifax in just over a week. The PLAN was to be done with colds since both Chris and Jude were sick and I definitely did not want to fly with a sick baby who's ears might kill him the entire time! And I leave for Toronto tomorrow night. And I only have three days at home before leaving for Halifax. And I need to pack everything. So much to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even going to yoga didn't snap me out of my funk. Usually I feel great after yoga and a slow, early morning Sunday class with only three others should have left me stretched, relaxed and happy. Instead I returned to a baby who refused to nap for an hour and twenty minutes, when we were trying to get him down early so we could go to a friend's first birthday party. Instead he fell asleep 40 minutes before the party started. An attempt at waking (which I usually would never consider) was fruitless anyhow and we decided to let him sleep. Missed the party. I grumped around angry and frustrated - at Jude, at Chris, at life. Did my day get better from here?

A BIRD DIED IN MY FUCKING HANDS!!!!!!!!!! How's that for a terrible day? Just like the day before around 4pm a bird flew into our window - I heard it and ran outside to see if we could rescue it. There isn't much we can do, it seems the sun hits the window a certain way at that time of day. Unlike yesterday where we took cute pictures and the bird flew away, this one was not doing well. I held him as he gasped for breath and kept him warm. Then he died. And we buried him. Poor guy.

Then came playing in the yard and dinner, playing in the living room. I was exhausted and sore and just wanted to go to bed. But I had made plans for Marie-Lynn to come over and help me make the invitations for my piano concert. We had been trying for weeks to find a time that worked for us both but this was the deadline - I needed to get the invitations made and sent before I leave town tuesday night. So as much as I was tired I knew I had to push through it and just do it. I put Jude down for another difficult bedtime and came out at 8:30. I worked for two and a half hours and have a total completed count of 11 invites. We need 18. So I still have another couple hours to put in tonight. While Mimi stayed for one hour, completed three invites and left because the boyfriend made plans for them to see a movie. I have to say, I tried really hard not to be ticked off but I failed. I was pretty mad last night. Why? Because I waited for weeks to do this because I knew it would be a big job and when I asked Mims for her help she seemed happy to help. Three invitations out of twenty was not the help I was expecting. I could have started these any other night but I didn't because I thought we were doing it together. I want to say here that Mimi does do a heck of a lot for us. She's our go-to babysitter who comes over often to help out and watch Jude, she's a super great auntie and a great friend too. Last night was not a great night, however. When your boyfriend makes last minute plans (literally, an hour before she was to come over and help) and you already have someone counting on you , TELL HIM YOU CAN'T GO! It's not that difficult.

I have to tell you, yesterday, the entire day, was a shit day. I had to get this out upon waking this morning otherwise I'll carry it around all day. I sure hope today is better.

an autumn day

(The face when you tell him no...)

I had the most fantastic fall (not fall) day today!! Since technically it's still September 18th and autumn doesn't start for another few days. We've had the misfortune of cold, autumn weather since late August. Weeks of cold rain left us with chill winds and nearly frost every night for the last couple weeks. Such a surprise after the great summer we had, and the expectation that September would be beautiful too... I didn't get nearly as many beach days and weekends at the trailer that I'd expected. I haven't even made it out to the cottage my parents purchased in August! Oh well, you can't foresee the weather.

I have already mourned those lost days of summer - we've had rubber boots and sweaters and scarves and layers on for weeks now. So today, after I got to sleep in (yay!) til 9, Jude and I got ready and headed out to the farmer's market. The cold morning air was just lifting by the time we arrived just after 10. The stands were full of vendors selling gourds, pumpkins, squash, potatoes, beets, preserves, mittens, fall flowers, fresh baking, etc etc. Not knowing whether I would get out again this year we picked up beets, bread, borage honey, crabapple jam, pepper jelly, Manitoba wool slippers for Jude, wooden animals, chicken pot pie, free range veal! (more on that later) and donuts. Mmmm, fresh homemade Hutterite donuts...Yum!

I almost prefer the farmer's market in the fall, I think. During the summer the aisles are jam packed with people, while this time there was room to breathe, shorter lines for everything, the produce and goods were just as delicious... You appreciate having somewhere to go in autumn since your choices are limited, whereas during the summer the multitudes of events going on make it hard to choose. We had lunch: pork buns, fries and juice, dancing in the grass to fiddler's music, chasing dogs and making friends at every turn.

 (His favorite thing in the world - reading books!)

I ran into Jenna, the mom who organized a nurse in at Pan Am Pool after she was told by a staff member not to nurse her daughter at the poolside. Jude and I attended the nurse in back in the spring. Her daughter Ocean is the same age but seems a quiet little miss. Quite the difference from my man who was running away in every direction! On my last trip I had the idea of doing a photo spread entitled "Portrait of a Working Mom", finding a photographer to collaborate with me on the two images I already know of, hearing ideas from other moms and staging beautiful shots to illustrate the reality of nursing and nursing in the workplace. Then maybe we could exhibit it somewhere and get some media exposure... A stroke of luck to run into her and exchange information so we can maybe work on this together during the winter! If any of you are interested in participating or have ideas, please let me know.

Anyway, we left around noon and all the fresh air and running around must have just exhausted my man. Although he's been battling a cold this last week and sleep has been elusive, he passed out in the car within minutes and slept through a stop at my parents. Three hour nap! I was so excited for him and also for me to have some time during the day to get things done. After he woke up, we snacked and spent a few minutes with Dad before he left for work. Rescued a bird who flew into our window, who just needed some time and warmth to get his bearings back. Walked the village, shopping and running into friends, played at the park and chased each other around the field. Rosy cheeked and runny nosed we came home to play some more in the yard before a soaking wet bath during which Jude threw cups full of water at me and laughed til he choked. Such a fantastic wonderful happy exciting day. So full of love! I hope your days have been equally joy filled.

piano stuff

I am getting close to sending out invitations for the concert I'm putting on in November. The last couple months I've had ups and downs, there has been picking the set list, practicing, not liking the second set and changing the list, practicing, doubts, arrangements for piano tuning and guest lists, excitement, more doubts, still waiting for the book I ordered 6 weeks ago to arrive from the UK (luckily I photocopied nearly the entire book from the library in anticipation of this) and so on...

I knew it would involve lots of work to get myself good enough to play in front of an audience. Some pieces are easier than others and there are still a few that will require some intense work to get them up to par. The interesting thing is that my mistakes are more noticeable now that I am better. Chris mentioned that the other night while I went through and did a fantastic job on one of my favorite pieces. I was gloating afterwards and telling myself what a great job I did (positive reinforcement is always the way to go!) and he pointed out that my mistakes were quite obvious. Of course they are! When the whole piece sounded a little shoddy and thrown together, it was easy to gloss over slips. But when the whole piece sounds beautiful, one wrong note or missed note or unexpected pause sounds terribly obvious. At least overall I'm improving and I hope to have most of these corrected before the show. My non-musical friends will likely not notice and my musical ones... will hopefully forgive me!!

All said, I'm super excited to be able to put this on. There's still a fair bit of work to do but it's coming together. Yay!

photoshoots

I did a shoot! It was exciting, I don't have any photos yet as proof but it was a barrel of fun. As I've mentioned a few times on here, my friend Kate began a website of nude photography called Cherrystems, mostly as a place to show regular people rocking their naked. I was kind of interested from the first time she told me about the site.... two plus years ago! But with life and other things in the way it never came together until now.

When Kate told me to come up with a theme I blanked immediately and wanted to ask her to give me a list of possible themes. I know, totally lame. Why was it so difficult to figure out what I wanted to show about myself? It didn't take long at all for me to go through my interests. Number one - books. Hey, sexy librarian? Perfect! Next I hit up my friends for suggestions of where to shoot and possible setups. Mikaela was fantastic at coming up with ideas and settings. What a creative mind! Before I could start looking for a place to shoot, Kate had already set things up with Kelly from Aqua Books so we could shoot in the upstairs. My good friend Christel Lanthier was on board to photograph from the start and we started arranging things from there. And although things were iffy right until the day before it finally all came together!

I can't wait to show you a *small* piece of the final project although if you would like to see the entire set you'll need to join Cherrystems. It's a worthwhile project to be involved in. A not-for-profit where any profits will be donated to organizations that provide counseling in the areas of self esteem, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, suicide prevention and crisis counseling, STI/AIDS testing, and more. Nudie sites for healthy communities! Yay!

In the end we had a blast. Nicole Pielou from Angles Hair on Lilac did my hair and makeup. Christel, Julie and Sabine shot the set (I know, I was not expecting three photographers either!! Until hours before I though it would be only Christel and I). Things were super relaxed though and they quickly put me at ease. Kelly at Aqua was fantastic about letting us move furniture around, mess up his lawyers periodicals and play around in the upstairs of his store. We drank wine (Dan Aykroyd wine - so tasty, and I love Dan Aykroyd to pieces), sometimes out of a straw for me as to not mess up my lipstick, listened to Robbie Williams, Fiona Apple and the C.R.A.Z.Y. soundtrack, stripped off clothes, strategically positioned books, laughed, had crazy good times.... Thanks to all who were involved and made it a fantastic time! I can't wait to get the shots back and see what we created. Excited!!!