over christmas

So long without writing it all down... some days you drift through every moment melting in your hands, trying to catch the feeling, the stillness. We've had a few moments to breathe, finally.

Pulled into service from standby on the 21st, home on Christmas morn. It was a whirlwind, difficult trip. Constant readjustment everyday, each moment. Oh wait, I'm going on the train. Coffeeshop waitress. That is until a six am knock on the door informed I was working coach instead, my usual preferred job but not where I prepared my head to be. No worries as the busy Christmas coaches brought many travelers heading home for holidays. My passengers stayed up with me all night chatting, which was a blessing after a hardly any sleep night where I found out at six pm that I needed to hit the sack for seven pm and get up at one am. Yes, my service manager is not known for his planning and organizational skills. Marbles rolling aimlessly...

I rose at one am only to help with one busy stop. Exhausted after not nearly enough sleep, headed to bed after quickly picking at a meal and trying to slow down enough to sleep. The dome car full of passengers still having a fun night dwindled as the hours passed until only the diehard all nighters remained. We talked music and school and European race politics and military sympathies, conversation flowing directed by passing thoughts and opinions. Toronto brought chill winds and tired eyes but a gorgeous fifteenth floor hotel room Young Street balcony late afternoon sun fighting buildings and winter heaviness to warm my bed. I couldn't sleep, not nearly enough. Tried laying down but my mind said remember that things will change again tonight. You'll find out your job has changed or your bedtime changed or you need to crash immediately. The wheels creaked as my mind churned relentlessly.

Being at work away from home for Christmas is hard. My first year accepting a Christmas trip and we fought hard to keep a small flame of Christmas spirit alive. I must have expected passengers would be happy to be enjoying a beautiful trip through untouched frozen canadian shield days.. Ontario gifted us heavy hoar frost on every tree the 24th... Each passing window framed postcard as beautiful, not nearly enough time to admire the stillness. But happy entreaties brought hard faces and little interaction. My spirit lagged and I fought to remember Christmas carols and warm alcoholic drinks and snuggles on the couch. The most beautiful twenty month old reminded me too much of home, her toothy grin and crayons tightly gripped in not quite baby hands. How pretty I said and she peered at me, how pretty she parroted, happy to show me she knew. She understood Polish and Romanian and English, her parents were beautiful and intelligent, engaged, open, sweet... They simultaneously saved my sanity and made my core yearn to hold my own miracle child who snakes busy arms around my neck to pull me close. Who tests skin with lips and mouth and finally teeth, a face crumpled in sadness when I cry out. Showing ways to show love. I love you THIS MUCH mama it hurts me from my belly and I have to show you in every way I can.

I am home and have been since a busy Christmas Day. Chris had a birthday yesterday and I made coconut cupcakes. I bought my camera (Canon 60D) and I am so excited to start my class on Monday. I bought a camera bag, returned it, got another bag and am still adding accessories. I worked another standby and luckily got to come home, a Winnipeg winter busride through the ever gorgeous Exchange District. Remembering the pleasure of slow rides home, meandering through skywalks and lobbies, watching always, all things...

solstice welcoming

Just another night sliding snowy roads half conscious movements. Gorgeous film Black Swan in a surprisingly filled grant park theatre late night monday show. Bathroom chats with lovely friend before our nights diverge. One drifts backwards along remembered roads headlights float ahead, a quiet house a soft light pulling you in. Cold screen to take you from reflection to projection, replacing introspection. A rare moment with self.

Oh solstice how i craved you

Beckoning over empty snowscapes early darkness sadness. The days will lengthen. The sun returns. Celebrate a corner turned during years of winter days fallen away in abysses lost. Dec 21st a relief, a smile in my december always. But when they say the first day of winter? That ticks me off. Really? We've been covered in snow for months, sitting in cold cars scraping ice from windshields pushing pulling digging cars out record snowfall immediate cold. REally? Welcome winter. How fucking depressing. I wish we could remove that winter label, seasons differing everywhere not complying to our listed weather plan. Come on, seasons! If you won't listen perhaps we should stop inaccurately labeling you. Oh wait, that applies to so much...

I pondered a Toronto trip too long and missed out. Standby tomorrow night instead, means having to pack my suitcase again although that was going to be needed soon anyway. Getting packed getting ready to the station four hour shift. Of nothing, or hardly anything. Choice of a cold night coming home sans car with a packed suitcase. Or a last minute pulled into work gone to Toronto. Not a lovely thought, but the trip would be good, home Christmas Day.

I will be missing the lunar eclipse tonight, despite it not having happened on the solstice for 372 years. 1638. What a woman I would have been in 1638. A heretic, a healer an outsider definitely. Depends on where I lived and how wealthy I was. Childbirth in the 1600s... wetnurses and slavery and aristocracy vs intellectual society, invention... A different age. I wonder whether a lunar eclipse would have been noticed by most. Definitely charted and expected by astrologers and philosophers, would it have had any significance or superstitions around it. Now a curious piece of trivia most won't observe. An interesting event though.

And those have been Sarah's musings at one am. Tune in next time to see how I am.

Next Christmas

I've felt stresses lift away as I let go of Christmas (immediate Christmas, that is). Seeing it as the beginning of our celebrations instead of the culmination of a bitter month's disappointments. And then tonight, while researching a bit about Ukrainian Christmas traditions I found that festivities actually begin on Christmas Eve and end on the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th. Perfect for what I'm planning. A friends and family potluck might be in the cards for the ones who aren't tapped out. Some holiday baking.

It may seem random to choose Little Christmas to celebrate this year. But I spent growing up years in Dauphin with forty percent of the population claiming Ukrainian roots. Ukrainian immersion elementary stood among the french immersion, english and christian schools. Ukrainian dance and schoolmates claiming extra days off after winter holidays. I grew up seeing that other celebration from afar. I loved Christmas strongly, fiercely. Laying in a dark room under the tree watching string lights reflecting off dark windows. Mind wandering dreaming wondering. I played carols on the piano starting in November til my mom asked "could you please play something else?" We watched classics and read books and made crafts and immersed in Christmassy cheer, learning songs and dance moves for school concerts.

Funny how we get here... our home lives growing up lives so different. You wonder how you never know everything about a person, their inner selves and experiences that led them there. We reach to relate on other things forgetting we are strangers.

So this year, we will have our own Ukrainian, or Little Christmas, or Women's Christmas. We will not have a good Christmas in 2010. But in 2011, we'll get two Christmasses! Start and end the year with Christmas what could be more magical. Should be fun.

genius, i know

So it's not as though I already have way too many things crowding my plate... So much so that after emerging on the other side of the worst sickness you could possibly imagine, which robbed us of nearly an entire month, I recently had the genius idea to forget about Christmas this year. Oh, we'll go to the planned family get-togethers Christmas Eve and Day. But otherwise, the baking and music and gingerbread competition and all the stuff I love about the holiday, giving cards and gifts, sharing drinks, laughs with friends, even shopping for the right gifts and celebrating people.... I was feeling stressed knowing there was no way to do everything. Christmas rushed up on us this year and we really missed most of it. The solution? we celebrate Ukrainian Christmas this year instead. It'll give us a chance to check out related events and celebrate the holiday, time to get everything ready, immersion into another culture... Already looking forward to finding recipes, crafts and events to make our week celebration complete!

So everything has been pushed back. Not to mention I may take a trip on the rails for the extra cash if they call... makes everything quite busy. Busy is good though. Busy keeps moving, busy changes scenery, busy helps.

I've been thinking about why it's so hard to accept help. It relates to what the circumstances are. When Jude was born or when he was hospitalized, I recognized we needed help and had no problem receiving it, even asking feeling completely justified, a situation all could see required extra hands and hearts. But there seems some shame involved in getting help when you feel overwhelmed and can't pin the problem. Lack of understanding, lack of logical reason to back up your inabilities... And the funny thing is that I have no problem offering and giving every support to my loves when they need it. Nor do I judge them for it. But something about getting hands committed to us during regular times, when it just feels like too much on the plate. I felt really touched by the number of people who truly offered help and love when I posted yesterday I was sick of being a mother. Understandings of exactly how normal those feelings are and that I don't love my son any less... the trials of this month too much without a break.

A final disappointment was the cancellation (ok, postponement! but it felt as bad) of our girls spa night at the Fort Garry with my mom and sisters. Didn't want to risk getting the sisters sick and had to cancel with 48hours... I cried through disappointment. But I cut my hair again, and got my nails done with my gorgeous sister Mimi during a night off courtesy of my amazing friend April, and chatted with Celindy and Jason and Alex while watching Corydon traffic meander by their sunroom cuddled under blankets open windows, and joined throngs of not often Osborne shoppers on a Christmas Saturday, and have plans to see Black Swan with Nicole hopefully this week. Oh pack my plate full of people and experiences that make me smile!

Pick your feet up and move another day. Stop. Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile even though they look away (i always wondered why, although i do both ends). Also why do people not want to talk to you in line? In other cities people are starved for contact. Here we huddle in our established groups too comfortable to reach out and be hungry. Be hungry.

These pictures are from 2009 taken by our talented friend, photographer and jewelery designer Christel Lanthier.

not for prudish eyes

I spent a couple nights ago browsing The Bloggess' sex column which resulted in me posting all sorts of weird links to Facebook, including gingerbread ovaries and craigslist ads for mutual jerking partners, no gays need apply. My absolute favorite the guy who wanted to redo Michael Jackson's Beat It says "we will basically play Beat It over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting". Oh boy... at least there's of internet to keep me entertained with when stuck at home.

But this absolutely blew me away. It's gorgeous and strange, an Amauta Lab short film porn of a blind woman in the woods and a lumberjack. And the actors wear full body knitted suits so they look like living dolls. It's completely bizarre but so well done, I just kept wondering who thought up this idea and sold it to their friends, built a soundstage, found actors and lighting and did the work to make this crazy plushie porn so good! You can learn more about them here.

Five am found me crying on the bathroom floor getting sick. I can't even believe how terrible this month has been. Three entire weeks of being sick or caring for sick people, no relief in sight. Brought Jude to visit his Grandma last night so Chris and I could finally finish Christmas shopping, last minute at a mall I don't enjoy frequenting... No way around it having left it too long to hit the independent craft sales and such. And a passing of germs, hers to us and vice versa, our respective illnesses NOW known to be different, since we both were sent back to being sick sick sick. And a cancellation for our girls getaway this Friday. December blows hard this year. Let's just skip over the rest of the month and move on already.

I am working hard every day to keep moving stay positive know there is an end even if the road seems endless. These walls contain us marinated in sick of home.

As I write this Samara is getting naked in my upstairs loft for her Christmas Cherrystems set :) A party with Bing Crosby and drinks and Christmas trees and nudity. My self-imposed exile on the main floor internet glow sipping water determined to stop from pulling anyone else down this rabbit hole of illness. Can't wait to see the pics though!!!

I am shunned

Well, not me exactly. A part of me. What a sad feeling to have him turn away from the breast and look his nose down at me derisively "I don't WANT that". I hope this byproduct of sore tummy and sore mouth turns around soon because to say goodbye to our nursing relationship would be sad.... I know it will be sad whenever it leaves, that you are never really ready to stop holding and cuddling and staring into his eyes so many times a day. Never ready to kiss goodbye pudgy hands exploring my lips, mouth, face while filling his belly. Noses an especially large fascination - a finger stretched to touch Mama's nose, Jude's nose, Mama's nose, Jude's nose.

Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.

**

In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.

What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...

I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)

my house does not smell nice

Oh sick, when will you leave us?

When you arrived on our doorstep in time for my birthday celebration, i knew you were overdue, grimaced and bore it. You dallied between coughs and sleeplessness and aches and sore tummies. You gave us days of reprieve where things seemed to be improving only to throw us back on the mat after one bad night. It's honestly been two and a half weeks of slowly slowly fighting our way back to normal with not an inch gained. Just in time for the busiest time of year. How many plans will I end up canceling over the next few weeks?

The babe threw up all day today, on the rug on the couch on himself on the bed on mom on our clothes. And then he blew out his diaper dripping liquid poo all over the same rug (thank goodness we haven't cleaned it recently!) All the more incentive for a massive cleaning after this is over... A hot mess of arms and legs slept fitfully on my chest all day. We watched obscene amounts of television (thank you Netflix) and tried getting liquids into him bit by bit. The vomitfest required three loads of laundry today. Oh joyous day. At least he slept, at least we cuddled and cared for him as best we could, at least when dad called from work he listened and talked more than ever before, at least when putting him to sleep, bare chest to bare chest, I felt him squirming and prepared for another puke only to be surprised by a sleeping laughing babe, pure laughter falling from tired lips dreaming of happy days. At least he sleeps knowing mama watches and a whimper brings me to his side. I love you my babe.

winter wonderland (partial nudity warning!)

 

A new set for Cherrystems! I had a blast shooting with Darren from Solalta Photo. Although after coming up with the idea on a warm Monday night walk around residential Corydon, blasting Radiohead while watching headlights and houselights feet striding snowy sidewalks, I had some serious reconsiderations... The temperature dropped and I bussed frozen streets icy breath fogging heavy air. It was cold, cold COLD and I wondered what the hell I was thinking going outside for a nude winter shoot. I worried until the morning of and was still undecided as to whether we'd go ahead. And luckily, a BEAUTIFUL day. Drove out to a deserted Labarrier Park,  quickly stripped and together we got a great set. Which goes up Friday Dec 10th on Cherrystems.com. Hope everyone enjoys a little cold weather Winnipeg nudity!

money. and photos. and cold. oh my

oh my, so much accomplished yesterday. We finally (no use putting it off anymore with layoff here and soon to be no proof to the bank of employment) changed our bank loan to cover all the crap we've been accumulating on the credit card, pay off my student loan and have a little left over for photography fun. It means another few years of paying off debt instead of being finished next Christmas like we'd planned... but either way, it was necessary. The accident last fall was a blow to our financial plans... new car, weeks without work, Chris losing his job due to the dick running Fentons (please continue to support our boycott of any Fentons establishments at the Forks - it makes a HUGE difference and his business has certainly suffered due to it. If you're unfamiliar with the story, I'll fill you in... perhaps another blog to remind all...). The upside was we spent ample time together as a family, learning how to work with each other and spending that important first year bonding. But financially... not the best.

So the new plan is to consolidate all debts in one place... conveniently lowering payments at layoff time. Yay! I really only had another 16 months left to pay on my student loan and initially kept it up for the low interest rate and income tax rebate on interest. Now, considering my interest is only about 10$ a month, it doesn't amount to much. So this morning, one lump sum payment and NO MORE STUDENT LOAN!!! :) Excited all by myself in the living room.

And. AND! I signed up for the PrairieView photography 1 course I've been wanting to take for years! It means rushed plans to buy a camera before Jan 3. Evenings learning all the stuff I've tried to soak in from books and on my own, to no avail. Hopefully the classroom setting/asking questions/practice will help. Having a friend along for the ride will be fun too ;)

A crazy day yesterday... playgroups and visits and bank appointments and pickups and lunch with hubby. I was exhausted from the beginning but somehow managed to enjoy myself through everything. The cutest babe in the world contentedly nursing and showing off his new moves after an afternoon away... Sweet.

 This face...

 Checking out Kristy's phone

 I wonder who took a bite out of this chocolate bar.... through the wrapper ;)

 This is what my bag looks like these days

 The best last three letters left in a game of Scrabble

 Helping Dad cook in the kitchen

 This face... warm body pressed to mine... happiness

terror at 567

He became an overnight terror. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Suddenly, all the things he's successfully ignored for months become beacons in a boring indoor cave, he literally runs from area to area causing destruction and constant watchfulness. I let him be pretty independent but now I find needing to check in each minute he's quietly out of my sight. I couldn't leave it for more. How many times I found myself calling out "Jude? Jude?? What are you doing?" from the kitchen. Honestly, probably every minute I didn't hear from him.

This morning he tore more pieces out of the speaker. And for the first time deliberately disobeyed a strong order from me... Oh sure, he's played around before and cheekily tried to get away. But he knows the tone and will usually complain while stopping... Not today's reality. No way. He's got his mind into doing certain things and won't be deterred. Least of all by me!

We did have a lovely day again, lots of errands got done after finally getting the car back. It runs beautifully. But I have to go back since they didn't leave the keys in the glovebox as promised so I'm down to one set of keys. And it's not close!

Chris broke the shovel. I guess that's what happens when you take a few day break from shoveling while others break backs out nightly. It seems to have snowed every day since thursday... We are loving watching the plows and other equipment work the streets and lane. Loud protests each time one moves on. Emotions run high in this household lately. Sick plus cooped up multiplied by toddlerhood... Soon this stage will have passed and I'll remember the days when he watched movies naked cuddled up to dad, then mom, topped with a latenight dance party before crashing out.

I love how the streetlights glow off winter lawns... daylight snow glare makes me want Inuit sun goggles... not sure how I'd fit those over my regular glasses though. I found these great inspired frames at Ijaak Sungoggles

Have I mentioned what I want more than anything? Yes, a Hudson Bay wool jacket. A vintage in good condition would be a nice find but I'd buy new if the style worked. Ultimate winnipeg prairie look. Five months of winter means a good cold weather wardrobe!

 Alright, enough drooling... My next purchases are going to be a camera (EEEeeee! Finally!!!) and hopefully a laptop too. I CAN'T WAIT! Til another time.

S

it was my birthday

Yesterday. 28 years of living, learning, growing, backtracking, failing, falling, trudging, repeat. The cycle goes on, some day highs of joy and contentment and happiness, others plunging to not understood lows. That goes for mood. For temperature. For successes and failures and creativity and the push to actually do something. As you can tell, it was a weird day for me yesterday.

I woke up feeling sad. And sick. Also tired and a little miserable. But it was my birthday. And Chris went to work in the afternoon and I made chicken and coconut rice for the potluck and Jude was sick and miserable as well and he whined at my legs most of the day. Although these sort of sick days also result in a pale red-cheeked baby willing to cuddle for hours while watching videos. Which we do more and more of these cold stuck inside snowing for the last five days. Pyjamas until noon, or more often after naps which could end between one and three (sick routines are not so easy to follow). And it's cold by our giant picture window that we haven't sealed with plastic yet so I crank the heat and leave blankets around everywhere making plans to knit and quilt and buy more from goodwill. Jude wore his slippers for the very FIRST time since he was able to remove items from his feet. At least the cold living room is good for something. But we haven't yet added silicone caulking (yes, that's the plan) to the bottom of the felted wool for grip so he went sliding everytime he hit the linoleum or wood floors in the rest of the house. 1903. This is a cold house.

We had everyone over for a potluck last night. Everyone being all my brothers and sisters and parents who lovingly braved ridiculous roads and traffic to come celebrate in my cozy house. And how lovely that I didn't have to leave the house myself. It was the perfect way to enjoy the snowstorm... I haven't left the house since Monday I think. So far we have everything we need :)

And despite my morning funk and initial frustration at feeling so crummy on my birthday, it turned out perfectly that it was my birthday. All the messages and videos people sent me, all the phone calls and dropins (although I did feel crazy for a while) helped move the day, wine helped, chocolate almonds/blueberries/cherries from Sugar Mountain helped, a cuddly nursing boy helped (and hindered too although always very cutely). It was a busy day and today I have two people dropping in to see us, while tomorrow brings a full day of CAW EI workshop. Then an evening special yoga night for women at Blue Moon Wellness with the fantastic Amanda. I am SO looking forward to "an extension of the vrat (resolution) rituals for women in ancient, medieval, and current day India". And then maybe on Saturday we can actually get the car back.

Things have been busy, since being home. It's a different kind of busy and some days I don't feel like I accomplish a lot, but I still feel really busy.

This was my birthday in pictures.
It snowed. A lot.
Pretending not to be sick and grumpy.
My lovely family.
Jude got bonked on the head and night collapsed into heaving sobs and bedtime.
Chris shoveled. Again.

S.A.D.

I have been self-medicating and some days are better than others. I realized my usage was going up as the days got shorter and sunlight limited. Sometimes at home, in the day even when my son was around me. It pulled me through afternoons of stay home lethargy and gave me energy and initiative to complete stuff I really didn't want to do. It quells my anxious storm thoughts and allows my true self to emerge - calmer, happier, focused and able to sit quietly and relax, take in the moments.

I realized this was happening because I do examine myself often. Why I make certain decisions. What kind of person I want to be. How I can continue being my actual self in face of the various roles I've adopted - mother, wife, friend, partner, sister daughter inlaw. It's a constant balancing act to be enough of each of these and still retain who I started as and who my real self is. I said it often that my train work saves me from falling into patterns and forgetting myself. Days away interacting with passengers and coworkers without child or family around to position you. Days to reclaim your own identity, your jokes and music and interests, people who don't know you as the awesome mom who bakes and colors and adores being a domestic lady. The hard part is marrying that with the independent part who misses walking alone in the snow, watching people move quietly, stopping, seeing... I miss those things which I don't experience anymore with a child. I experience new things that stop my heart with joy. I constantly feel like I'm not giving enough of myself to him because I cling to my own enjoyments and projects and simply time to myself. I constantly feel like I can't apply enough of myself to any of the projects that are so important to me. And then I have even more ideas but seemingly no time to move on them.

I realized I was self-medicating to slow down. Enjoy. Breathe. And feeling sometimes depressed and often anxious/stressed, it was something I already did and it helped. The alternative I know would be to see a doctor and get prescribed more medication. Which I did take while pregnant but which also travels through breastmilk and not all effects of are known. Or find an alternative treatment to seasonal affective and anxiety. I know this happens, every year. Last year an anomaly in that while steadily breastfeeding and the heavy involvement with a new baby, I didn't feel the effects (softened by love hormones coursing through our household, keeping cozy and warm in the streetlight glow off white yards). But every year past for the last number the lowering of depression, the curtain started to strain my relationships my ability to handle the busyness. So it's expected. And so far, this seems to help.

We discussed it, Chris and I. So that he knew I was aware that my usage went up, so he could also watch and tell me if he notices any negative effects. Thus far things have worked. Staying in mostly to avoid the cold and winter roads (we could use visitors! if anyone wants to come play in our newly reclaimed upstairs and stay cozy with us). And many things still to keep busy with.... So perhaps these next months will go by smoothly and the worst hump will be over. It really blows that it coincides with Christmas because I've always enjoyed the season... I just need to remember what I like about it (cider with cinnamon sticks, tobogganning and carols, warm nights in with friends and perhaps a couple nights out!) and avoid the rest. The tree is up although not straightened out yet (yes, one year we will cut down our own but for now we have a mammoth's Michaels tree setup in the suite upstairs). The carpet is gone and wood floors underneath although we'll be looking for a new area rug. Something nice, woven. And while there's more work to do we take minutes to sit and enjoy each other. Make treats and watch Polar Express in pjs on a cold november night.

This is us. I'm doing ok :)

a quiet smile

Things have been good... My piano concert went off really well, I thought. Of course I slipped and to me it was obvious but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It went quickly! For that I wasn't prepared. Once I got started the pieces flew under my fingers. It was all I could do to slow down and enjoy each one fully. My set list was

1)  Lines of Desire - Tarik O’Regan

2)  Lacrymosa - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

3)  Glassworks - Philip Glass

4)  The Heart Asks Pleasure First - Michael Nyman

5)  Hush - Craig Armstrong

6)  Gnossienne no. 3 - Eric Satie

7)  Sur le fils (Amélie) - Yann Tiersen
 ⋞ Intermission (10 mins) ⋟

8)  (You make me feel like) A Natural Woman - Carol King
with Celindy Oige ~ vocals and guitar

9)  Moving Ground - James Whitburn

10)  Winter (3rd Movement) - Antonio Vivaldi

11)  Jewish Town (Schindler’s List) - John Williams

12)  Elegy - Chris Craker

13)  Big My Secret - Michael Nyman

14)  The Quiet Room - Debbie Wiseman

15)  Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven

And we came home to a quiet house. Jude on an overnight visit to Nanny's house, I kept finding myself quietly sneaking down the hall so not to wake him. Although we came home slowly down powdered pembina roads feeling dead tired from the hours weeks months of prep, we still stayed up til two. Collapsing into a baby-free bed for the night (so restful!) waking to a snowed walk down corydon and breads and circuses breakfast.

Today I did nothing. Nothing. I rested, I played, I read, I watched a movie... we dined on KD and weiners... watched Thomas and Rolie Polie Olie on youtube. Chris got to enjoy the best part of going away - reuniting, his happy giddyness at having mom and dad at home palpable. His kisses and hugs, huge mischievous grins... His smiles these days are delicious and sneaky, knowing, tugging at the emotional manipulations "hey, if I do that do they always react the same? Can I get out of it with a giggle and dogged determination?" It's hilarious and often exhausting to keep up - but this is the exhaustion I love, the sweaty blond head stopping to rest at my breast, snuggled into mom's warmth, breathing heavily. What a great decision we made when we decided to have a child. What an amazing, lovely child we have. I'm in love.

A few things I've really enjoyed lately:

Winter's Bone - I wanted to see this film when it came out and is a powerful, intense storyline beautifully shot. Slow moving at times but completely absorbing. That link brings you to the streamed movie, if you want to read more about it go read the CBC writeup here.  

These Roving Eyes continues to rescue me from the no time toddlerhood days with music lists to download that feature usual treats (Sia, Owen Pallet, Fiona Apple, Cat Power, Tegan and Sara, Caribou) and introducing me to new faves (Gentleman Reg, Antony and the Johnsons, Gonzales, Perro). Plus he may be my favorite Toronto man... you'll see why.

How women can participate in Movember kept me laughing the last few days when I needed a quick pick me up. Unfortunately Chris only decided to participate when the month was more than half over. How large does the moustache need to be to count?

Take a look at how lovely my days have been:

 

early one tuesday morn..

Things are coming together! I was so excited to set up my sewing machine and have a space to keep all my crafting stuff! Yarn, fabrics, paper and assorted crafting supplies... My upstairs closet looks amazing! Now all I need is the time to start working on my quilt, finishing up random knitting projects and start whatever else comes to mind. But I have space!

When we moved into this house Chris quickly claimed the basement as his own. He set up a table for his artwork and another to lay out all his toys and model train stuff. Being that I don't really enjoy sitting in a cold, damp, dark basement, I was perfectly happy to let him take it over. And before baby it was fine to pull out a box of crafting stuff although the prep did sometimes drain me of energy for the project. But since Jude's been motoring around I felt progressively squished. There was no room for me to do anything! Now I have a space of my own and I CAN'T WAIT to get in there and accomplish something again!!

In other news, the concert is coming fast and furious. Three more days to finish the assorted preparations, complete desserts and practice practice practice! The positive stuff? I learned Moonlight Sonata in one week after not practicing it at all during the past four months! Not so good is that I decided to switch one of my pieces.... on Sunday night. And am still not totally decided on which piece I'll use instead. And I have to learn it in time... Yikes! I think it'll be such a fun night though. Can't wait to get together with all the people I love and have a lovely evening :)

Had to deal with some friends and family secret drama that seems to have turned out ok. Finally! It's so much better to have things out in the open and move forward. And I've been able to sneak away to yoga while Chris takes Jude to playgroup. Sanity saver! There is still way more left on my to-do list but for now we focus on the concert. Next week I can deal with everything else.

 Halloween night - via uniform and thing 2

 Relaxing with my love

 Bathtime antics

Merrily we roll along...

when does it stop?

The merry go round broke down...

Well, I'm not really broken yet, more cracked and fighting to keep momentum. This time of year has always been difficult for me. I lose patience with family drama and yearn to retreat into myself. Lacking energy to deal with other people and their issues. Working hard to fulfill my own goals and feeling critical of everything. I mean it, everything. It's a time where I feel listless. Although I'm moving just as quickly to finish everything on my plate, that excitement and appeal isn't there. A few months to just plod along until things pick up.

Sorry to be returning to blogland with yet another lament as to how thin I feel stretched and how I continue to pile more on my already overwhelmed plate. Let's bake all the desserts for my piano concert? Sure! Photo shoot this week? Why not! Handywoman assistant to my 8months pregnant, hard core nesting friend? What kind of friend would I be?

Chris and I have been having a lot of great conversations lately. Today we talked about the requirements of being a good friend. When a friend is in need, it usually doesn't happen at a convenient or easy time. And although you can always refuse, a good friend shows up to lend a hand, comes over with soup when you're sick, knows that silence isn't a bad thing. But being a good friend really boils down to showing up. I know I want to teach Jude that it's important to do for others but also how to be a supportive, caring long time friend. I've always thought I treat my friends the way I would like to be treated. If it comes back great! I have received so much love and support over the years...

Things here are wild as usual. Layoff has happened, I'm done for the winter and hurriedly rushing through my to do list. One week til the concert and much practicing has to happen, desserts are partially completed but still lots of planning and setup to complete. It WILL be fun, I keep reminding myself. But for sure I am totally stressed and nervous about screwing up, being stressed the entire evening and not enjoying myself, etc... I wish all the preparations were done and we were just there already! Before I know it....

Haven't had time at all to work on my winter photography project but that should start ramping up soon. After Brent moved out, we've been hurriedly painting trim and cleaning up the upstairs so we can take over the space. I, of course, want this done as quickly as possible so I can have more space for Jude to run around and craft in, not to mention putting up the christmas tree. And I have a birthday coming up in two weeks and nothing to do! Ideas?

Every. single. year. at this time I decided that I don't want to be here for Christmas, the running around and stress not outweighed by my love of carols and hot chocolate and toboganning. Every. Single. Year. I decide that one year, we'll run away to Jamaica for two weeks and spend the holiday listen to island Christmas carols sipping boozy drinks enjoying the sunshine and ignoring the mess at home. I know, I love christmas but the excess and busyness and my frustration with people always overtake the things I love.

Alright, enough depressing musings for one night. On to the next writing exercise

To Do

Paint trim in upstairs room

Clean, clear out carpet, get rid of kitchen stuff

Type and print programs

Photocopy music for concert

Seating arrangements, desserts, supplies needed

Follow up on RSVPs
Practice

Find pt work

Get frozen carrots out of the garden FINALLY!

Make appointment for car

Make massage appointment

Start yoga

Enjoy being at home, laid off and able to focus on everything else

love you forever

Everyone I know knows the book Love You Forever. We've all read it as a child and it's the mandatory gift at baby showers. Luckily we only received one copy so we didn't have to run around returning multiples. Before Jude was a month old I had read it to him and sung the song:
I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be

A couple trips ago I worked the diner for the first time since coming back from mat leave. The first time he entered the dining car I stopped what I was doing and watched, tears hanging back heart swelling. He was tall, fit, in his fifties. Standing behind his mother arms outstretched, supporting her as she inched her way to the table. The trip was a delight, weeks across Canada exploration time together. I can only imagine how hard every movement was, seeing many seniors struggling to get into bed, use the tiny washrooms, even just walk on a moving train heavy doors unusual movement. But she smiled every time I saw her and was the sweetest thing. And every meal he accompanied her, smiling and chatting with each person he saw, clearly enjoying her company and never showing any frustrations at the tiresome pace every single thing took.

She was ninety. Mary and Myles from Maryland (tongue twister much!). The late, accidental baby. The best one, he bragged. I asked whether they knew the book and they didn't. But I had to describe it (poorly) to explain how much my heart burst watching the two of them. What love. Over ages. He doted on her and clearly enjoyed their moments together. I can only wish for half of that relationship when my children are grown!

Last night I read Love You Forever quietly to Jude as he half listened half watched bedtime sesame street. Too long of a book at this age for him to sit through. But the lull of my voice in his ear, the gentle images and cuddles we can take. How different my life was before he came. How much quieter and lazier and sometimes boring. Now, it's never boring, always busy always too much. But cuddles. A head turned for an open kiss. Copy cat sounds. Naked bum shaking in the living room. My heart bursts with love. Amazing how love can only build until you feel you can't take anymore and somehow the heart makes room for more.

a bunch of totally random unrelated things

As I said up there, totally unrelated clips of Sarah's life coming up.

Tomorrow I leave on a dreaded Vancouver trip. Lucky to have worked almost all Toronto this year, this being only the second long trip west this season. Perhaps my last trip, perhaps one more. Even Chris asking "So? Layoffs happening yet?" when the answer is always we don't know! We never know, this time of year loaded with anticipation, nervous to work lots make more money expecting the hatchet to drop anyday. But oh, how I look forward to those glorious first two weeks off. The first two weeks when you revel in being home everyday and get so much done and aren't bored yet with the stillness. First you run out of projects at home and things to clean (the upside is being in a totally organized and clean space) then you start new endeavors, go to groups, get moving get inspired to do something - it's then that you notice the stillness. The lack of movement where things stay the same. The train keeps me moving but when it stops..

I was so lucky this year, a fantastic crew with Sonny, Jen Faith and Andrea, Steve Mickey Kevin, Jeff and Savo... So many memorable trips especially in the coaches with Claudette or as often working takeout. Memorable passengers, a fantastic summer indeed... I missed two trips off my crew, one from a last minute bookoff the other for the union conference. Each missed trip being the worst of the summer! The first train a sixteen-hour-late arrival into Toronto and eight hours late going home, the second train stopped at Capreol behind a derailment, bussed passengers to and from Toronto crew staying late to receive passengers at all hours. Missed out on the worst trains. Lucky indeed.

Jude is into walking backwards now. And spinning in circles. He leads with a waving hand or a head and rarely runs into things. And he spins equally well in either direction. He'll pause to grin at us and wait for us to laugh before continuing. He dances all the time. A shaking bum or spins or clapping, waving hands and jumping. I should film it before that changes. He loves all kinds of music and you know when he likes something because he'll stop what he's doing, run up to the computer and start spinning or dancing. Such a cutie and a little ham. We read the same book all day as he brings it back over and over. Sometimes immediately after finishing I find the same book insistently pushed into hands. In the middle of reading one book Jude complains No, Night Cars. Can I finish this one first? No, ok. And begin reading again. Luckily we and the library have beautiful books that I don't mind reading twenty times a day.

My photoset is now up on Cherrystems!  So totally exciting. I picked Adventuress as model name and now have a great set up. After I finished going through self critically I love the great shots my awesome photographers got. Most of the pictures were done by Christel Lanthier or Sabine Chorley, since Julie returned near the end. And wow! Although the lighting was moody and dark they all made it come through really nicely. Thanks you ladies so much! Now where do I get naked next...

I walked to the park

Then I fell. These new shoes.

 I watched big kids play

 

Now mama READ me a book!

I really don't feel like writing about anything else. I have more, much more and it's crowding my mind but my back hurts from sitting at the computer for too long and I still have another episode of Mad Men to watch before returning to Movie Village. So for tonight that is all. And let me tell you my shitty six year old computer deleted two paragraphs of this blog, parts that didn't save immediately like usual. Lovely evening frustrations but tomorrow I hit the rails.