I am shunned

Well, not me exactly. A part of me. What a sad feeling to have him turn away from the breast and look his nose down at me derisively "I don't WANT that". I hope this byproduct of sore tummy and sore mouth turns around soon because to say goodbye to our nursing relationship would be sad.... I know it will be sad whenever it leaves, that you are never really ready to stop holding and cuddling and staring into his eyes so many times a day. Never ready to kiss goodbye pudgy hands exploring my lips, mouth, face while filling his belly. Noses an especially large fascination - a finger stretched to touch Mama's nose, Jude's nose, Mama's nose, Jude's nose.

Friday was the first day of real hardcore sickness. He kept trying to nurse but his tummy refused everything that day. No food, no water, no nursing... Saturday he started keeping some things down as the day progressed and he was interested in nursing but as soon as he'd latch he came off in pain. Whether it was mouth pain or pain from sucking I don't know. Sunday the appetite returned and he filled his belly lots during the day. But nursing was still a no go! He tried a few times early in the day before realizing it was bad every time.But once he caught on, there was no getting him interested anymore. He'd turn away from the breast, stopped pawing at my shirt.

**

In the night he was restless and half awake and though I tried to tempt him with a naked breast (usually causing him to squeeze next to me and root for a nipple in the dark, the scent too tempting to refuse) this night his bare arm snaked between my breast and his face, shielding himself from the offending intrusion! Although I know the reason why it felt so offending, so sad... He doesn't want me!!!! Later in his half-asleep doze I fooled him into drinking and was repaid with a sick babe throwing up milk in our bed. Good one, mom.

What to do is a learning curve... not wanting to push, at the same time not willing to allow our nursing relationship to fall away over one sickness. I pumped all summer through days apart, half asleep breast emptying using time set for naps or relaxation to continue this connection with my son. And now, in the winter when things are supposed to be easy, a bump, a hiccup that makes you wonder is it over? I know we'll wait a while before having more children so it could be years before another babe cuddles at the breast, nourishing himself through me...

I was too tired to type this blog last night although it crashed through my head while I should have been sleeping. While I wrote this out in the morning, Jude came to me at the computer. Little blond head tilted back mouth perfectly lined to take a nipple... and willingly nursed at the **! We may be working our way back on track :)