over christmas

So long without writing it all down... some days you drift through every moment melting in your hands, trying to catch the feeling, the stillness. We've had a few moments to breathe, finally.

Pulled into service from standby on the 21st, home on Christmas morn. It was a whirlwind, difficult trip. Constant readjustment everyday, each moment. Oh wait, I'm going on the train. Coffeeshop waitress. That is until a six am knock on the door informed I was working coach instead, my usual preferred job but not where I prepared my head to be. No worries as the busy Christmas coaches brought many travelers heading home for holidays. My passengers stayed up with me all night chatting, which was a blessing after a hardly any sleep night where I found out at six pm that I needed to hit the sack for seven pm and get up at one am. Yes, my service manager is not known for his planning and organizational skills. Marbles rolling aimlessly...

I rose at one am only to help with one busy stop. Exhausted after not nearly enough sleep, headed to bed after quickly picking at a meal and trying to slow down enough to sleep. The dome car full of passengers still having a fun night dwindled as the hours passed until only the diehard all nighters remained. We talked music and school and European race politics and military sympathies, conversation flowing directed by passing thoughts and opinions. Toronto brought chill winds and tired eyes but a gorgeous fifteenth floor hotel room Young Street balcony late afternoon sun fighting buildings and winter heaviness to warm my bed. I couldn't sleep, not nearly enough. Tried laying down but my mind said remember that things will change again tonight. You'll find out your job has changed or your bedtime changed or you need to crash immediately. The wheels creaked as my mind churned relentlessly.

Being at work away from home for Christmas is hard. My first year accepting a Christmas trip and we fought hard to keep a small flame of Christmas spirit alive. I must have expected passengers would be happy to be enjoying a beautiful trip through untouched frozen canadian shield days.. Ontario gifted us heavy hoar frost on every tree the 24th... Each passing window framed postcard as beautiful, not nearly enough time to admire the stillness. But happy entreaties brought hard faces and little interaction. My spirit lagged and I fought to remember Christmas carols and warm alcoholic drinks and snuggles on the couch. The most beautiful twenty month old reminded me too much of home, her toothy grin and crayons tightly gripped in not quite baby hands. How pretty I said and she peered at me, how pretty she parroted, happy to show me she knew. She understood Polish and Romanian and English, her parents were beautiful and intelligent, engaged, open, sweet... They simultaneously saved my sanity and made my core yearn to hold my own miracle child who snakes busy arms around my neck to pull me close. Who tests skin with lips and mouth and finally teeth, a face crumpled in sadness when I cry out. Showing ways to show love. I love you THIS MUCH mama it hurts me from my belly and I have to show you in every way I can.

I am home and have been since a busy Christmas Day. Chris had a birthday yesterday and I made coconut cupcakes. I bought my camera (Canon 60D) and I am so excited to start my class on Monday. I bought a camera bag, returned it, got another bag and am still adding accessories. I worked another standby and luckily got to come home, a Winnipeg winter busride through the ever gorgeous Exchange District. Remembering the pleasure of slow rides home, meandering through skywalks and lobbies, watching always, all things...