S.A.D.

I have been self-medicating and some days are better than others. I realized my usage was going up as the days got shorter and sunlight limited. Sometimes at home, in the day even when my son was around me. It pulled me through afternoons of stay home lethargy and gave me energy and initiative to complete stuff I really didn't want to do. It quells my anxious storm thoughts and allows my true self to emerge - calmer, happier, focused and able to sit quietly and relax, take in the moments.

I realized this was happening because I do examine myself often. Why I make certain decisions. What kind of person I want to be. How I can continue being my actual self in face of the various roles I've adopted - mother, wife, friend, partner, sister daughter inlaw. It's a constant balancing act to be enough of each of these and still retain who I started as and who my real self is. I said it often that my train work saves me from falling into patterns and forgetting myself. Days away interacting with passengers and coworkers without child or family around to position you. Days to reclaim your own identity, your jokes and music and interests, people who don't know you as the awesome mom who bakes and colors and adores being a domestic lady. The hard part is marrying that with the independent part who misses walking alone in the snow, watching people move quietly, stopping, seeing... I miss those things which I don't experience anymore with a child. I experience new things that stop my heart with joy. I constantly feel like I'm not giving enough of myself to him because I cling to my own enjoyments and projects and simply time to myself. I constantly feel like I can't apply enough of myself to any of the projects that are so important to me. And then I have even more ideas but seemingly no time to move on them.

I realized I was self-medicating to slow down. Enjoy. Breathe. And feeling sometimes depressed and often anxious/stressed, it was something I already did and it helped. The alternative I know would be to see a doctor and get prescribed more medication. Which I did take while pregnant but which also travels through breastmilk and not all effects of are known. Or find an alternative treatment to seasonal affective and anxiety. I know this happens, every year. Last year an anomaly in that while steadily breastfeeding and the heavy involvement with a new baby, I didn't feel the effects (softened by love hormones coursing through our household, keeping cozy and warm in the streetlight glow off white yards). But every year past for the last number the lowering of depression, the curtain started to strain my relationships my ability to handle the busyness. So it's expected. And so far, this seems to help.

We discussed it, Chris and I. So that he knew I was aware that my usage went up, so he could also watch and tell me if he notices any negative effects. Thus far things have worked. Staying in mostly to avoid the cold and winter roads (we could use visitors! if anyone wants to come play in our newly reclaimed upstairs and stay cozy with us). And many things still to keep busy with.... So perhaps these next months will go by smoothly and the worst hump will be over. It really blows that it coincides with Christmas because I've always enjoyed the season... I just need to remember what I like about it (cider with cinnamon sticks, tobogganning and carols, warm nights in with friends and perhaps a couple nights out!) and avoid the rest. The tree is up although not straightened out yet (yes, one year we will cut down our own but for now we have a mammoth's Michaels tree setup in the suite upstairs). The carpet is gone and wood floors underneath although we'll be looking for a new area rug. Something nice, woven. And while there's more work to do we take minutes to sit and enjoy each other. Make treats and watch Polar Express in pjs on a cold november night.

This is us. I'm doing ok :)