Single in 2012

What a bizarre way to put this out. I worried about being crass, not just posting heavy emotional stuff but sharing news. News I can't face facing each of the dozens I would need to see. I spent the holiday season facing hard truths, searching for a different path and trying to make the best decision for all of us. Our holidays were heavy with sharing, talking with family members individually which alone amounts to lots of people.

Chris and I decided the week before Christmas to split, though the decision had been brewing for months. It's never easy to make and with us both loving our son entirely, wasn't sure how things would/will progress. We tried hard to enjoy the first Christmas he really started understanding and it was a lovely season, especially where he was concerned. The Night before Christmas was read often as we discussed reindeer and santa, classic lore and ritual. Our first fresh tree bought through fundraiser for Jude's new nursery school. He starts one morning a week mid January and I'm pleased we found a parent-directed coop nearby. Let's hope it keeps to expectations! He revelled in every gift and enjoyed the busy social outings, slept ok and even ate something other than sugar. All in all, a great success despite the adult conversations going on.

Below: Tasting the cookies for Santa
Train yard with Nanny on Christmas morning
Gleeful faces at stocking time

Immediately, we are moving. Hopefully by the end of January. Since we are still friends, still have immense respect and love for each other, we're looking for a large house to accommodate us both with Jude and maybe one more adult. We'll be raising him together for the next little while, just not as a couple.

This has been hard. obviously. Though I know it's the right decision and things will look a lot better in a few months, the immediate dismantling of 11 years together is heavy. Money and debts, housing and tenants, a move, a searching for new housing. It's going to be a crazy next few months trying to rebuild after the implosion. It didn't feel like an exploding at all. The shell there but nothing held the tent in place. a slow settling. I didn't expect to feel sad, having slowly decided the best choice logically, with reason, and let go. But as soon as the choice was made, the discussion had, I really have been grieving this loss. The end of 11 years together. The hopes that we would spend our lives together and share everything. That loss..

Lots will be going on here for the next bit. I'm happy to be laid off and not landed a job yet, so I can focus on packing (need boxes!) and combing housing ads, and stress about whether or not to inform my landlord now in case we don't find the right place this month.

I'll be ok. Things are stressful and strange right now. soon, soon it'll be easier.