where have i been

in my head
in the clouds
in the mountains
in bed
within me a writhing beast churning, driving me through days i can't imagine ending

we ended our nursing relationship this week, the emotions tempered by going through it alone. Took a train ride to jasper getting paid for minimal work, on a nearly all male crew. i craved female companionship, a friend or a coworker or a comforting ear to unload my concerns and worries onto. a fellow mama or even a male who would listen to me rail about my rock hard boobs (and not sexy large tits... although they did look pretty appealing i must say!). And the loveliness of wearing cabbage leaves in my bra to help dry my milk and soothe my inflamed tatas... of searching jasper for sage tea and sharing my woes with the cashier, if only because she was a she and friendly and told me she'd weaned her son too... it was time alone, forced time to myself to wander darkened mountain streets and overhear small town conversations, to drink wine out of regular hotel room glasses while i immersed my body in water - first bath, then shower, then rooftop hottub and back to the bath, back to the hottub... my breasts ached at me, my camera weighed against them and was left in the room often, they elicited admiring glances and even a comment (after i invited it by mentioning my predicament) that she'd noticed a change in size between days... which says a lot, in our baggy work uniform. Which meant working on a male crew i had to work that much harder not to invite attention/comments/advances....

for those who care and who have been there, i pumped when they became excruciating.... i likely could have pumped earlier but withheld, hoping we had dropped enough feeds and gone many lengths without nursing before that my body would adapt without pumping at all. Not the case and I finally gave in when my boulders hardly floated in the water. And I gave in last night and allowed Jude to nurse in the night, though i was worried of telling my body to produce more but figured enough time had passed that allowing him a sleepy nighttime feed would be alright. And he asks for Na, but not as often as I thought he would. And he pulls at my shirt but last night pressed his hand to my breast and just left it there for comfort. I love his face as I put him to bed and leave the room to a little blond head, eyes peeking out from under his giant comforter. Such intense love, love love love love. And my breasts will belong to me again soon :)